OK. So, I'm tryine to understand all of this. I know it's not possible to know what a WS is thinking, but I have come to understand it all in some way or another, but the whole unprotected sex thing. What is THAT!?!? Maybe some of you wanderers or others who have contemplated this can help me in some way. My H and I have 3 young children together, so to me, he put all of us at risk. Not only is this OW pregnant, but my H has herpes and I probably do to. Still waiting for results. Luckily, everything else is negative, but my God, he could have given his children's mother a death sentence. Forget that we all know where baby's come from and you should have known better. I just can't wrap my head around what he was thinking. I mean obviously he wasn't thinking about anyone but himself, but... Are these people beyond irresponsible?? It makes me question the character and mental capacity of my husband, not just his judgement. Any thoughts? [LIST] [LIST] [LIST]

d

<small>[ November 28, 2004, 05:35 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

Generally speaking, during the A, the WS is not thinking at all! It's the fog and fantasy of the thing. Unfortunately, in today's society, sex is no longer for just a husband and wife, but it's perfectly normal for teenagers to have sex as well. I don't see anything changing if the schools teach that using a condom is safe sex, as there is NOTHING that is safe by having mulitple partners or having sex before marriage! So, if we want to figure things out, we first need to start at home with our own children and teach that abstinence is a MUST and that sex is to be strictly between a husband and a wife! I know that things are hard, especially right after D-day, but if your H is willing to rebuild what he has torn down, then work with him on that instead of dwelling on the negative. Especially if the test for yourself comes back negative, work on your M BEFORE the OC is born and build that strong untied front TOGETHER!

What all have you read from this site up to now? Are you both in PRO-marriage counseling? What books have you read? Other than the thread question, is there anything else we can help you with? And, last but not least, you have come to the right place if you want to save your M! Welcome to Marriage Builders!

Tigger

collday....

I completely understand your frustration.. I have no answers for that, as I dont really think there is one. Selfishness beyond the point of my reasoning.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I have said the same thing to H even way after d-day-- like AIDS.. HELLO???? Herpes you will have to live w/forever if you have it but you WILL live a healthy normal life after. I am so sorry for this additional horrid thing to discover EVEN ADDITIONALLY to OC. Ugh....

I do think this is one of the most enraging and confusing part of an A... NO BIRTH CONTROL.. it takes over a lot of your brain and your ability to come to terms with the A. I stumbled and stumbled again over this point. It hurts and takes you over the edge of feeling like your life mattered NOT.

I can say, however, that my brain has gotten past it, and I can chalk it up to disgusting selfish wantan behavior that I will never understand, but that I must forgive and leave it to God.

I am in a healthy state w/my H now and you CAN AND WILL get over the nasty little details, all of them. Just hang in there and don't try to figure it out, you won't and can't.

Hugs sweetie and good luck w/the doctors. I pray you are ok, and if not, come on and VENT AWAY here, please. Hoping the BEST outcome for you dear.

Gio

COLD,
I too had a hard time grasping this concept! I'm so glad that someone else had/has those feelings too. Protection from either partner isn't a priority when your having an A. The only thing that matters is a quick fix and usually protection is an after thought. Its GROSS! To know that he had unprotected sex with her and then with me!! Major yuck!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Now you could be facing an STD for the rest of your life! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I think that would piss me off more than having an OC!
My only encouragement to offer is that your H wasn't THINKING about anything but himself and his needs. PERIOD! I know it hurts to know that he wasn't thinking about you because you love him but any person in an A isn't thinking of their spouse at the time much less that the OP their with could have an STD.
An A isn't an honest relationship where real issues like pregnancy and STD are discussed. Honestly is usually absent in an A.
I'm very sorry and I hope your results are negative.

Well said, Gwenie.....

An A is seen from the fow and fmm as "soul mate" crap every time it seems!! Why? Because it is not real.. it is a fantasy ... even long term A's are a fantasty. Birth control and pregnancy is what JETS them out of the fantasy, because THOSE THINGS are not what dreams are made of......

And hence the no birth control many times..... He was NOT trying to hurt you directly or HARM your body... but the utter degree of selfishness and fantasyland and teenage like behavior LEFT US feeling that way, justifiably.

After dday I could not find ANY word that sufficiently relayed my feelings in describing H's complete and utter lack of care of my BODY and MY HEALTH, let alone MY SOUL....

They don't usually do this to "us" to hurt "us"... "we" were not in their minds at all during the nasty deed at all- we were completely blocked out of the FANTASY WORLD, CAUSE WE ARE REAL !!!!!!

I urge any of you that are in this situation (or at risk) to please get tested for STD's. I am ritualistic about getting my Pap smears done and thought they would show up on that. They can, but not necessarily! (In my case it did not!) You have to ask to be tested for them specifically. When I was pregnant I found out I had an STD becuase they check you when you're pregnant. XOW had her baby 7 months ago. She knew that she had this, and never bothered to tell H. H and I have been treated (luckily ours was treatable.) In anycase, if you haven't gotten yourself tested, please do so. Some STD's don't exhibit symptoms. We didn't know we'd been infected. For us it opened up a little more resentment. I was furious I was having to be treated during pregnancy, and it reiterates the fact XOW is trash and can't be trusted. I'm just trying to urge anyone that may be as naive as I was to get tested!

AMEN Wife30--

I get tested for EVERTHING, at every yearly exam. I will always do that - and maybe forever.

Part of taking your H back and rebuilding is to TRUST but WATCH YOUR BACK. I don't care how blissfully happy I am for the rest of my life-- after all I have endured -- I have a whole new set of backups-and protections-and the naive stuff is gone. Doesn't take anything away from learning to trust again and love-- but there just isn't enough TRUST in the world to make me ever allow the chance of my body being harmed unknowingly again.

I never understood how women would open up their body to a guy who is sleeping with his wife or a single guy/with other girls-- sure if we dont know about it, its bad enough-- but willingly sharing the jewels of our guy-- eeew

In my situation, XOW had an abortion w/my H's baby in September, then turned right around and got P again in Nov/Dec. Obviously having to have an abortion didn't phase her or my husband because they turned right around and did it again, even with me being "freshly" pregnant. You are all right, it was nothing more that a selfish act happening in the fantasy land that they had created in their twisted minds. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Husband just got snipped a couple of weeks ago so no more babies for him!! As far as STD's, I was shocked that I haven't been exposed to many of them, especially 'cause my H had numerous A's throughout our marriage/courtship with some really not so clean people. I've been checked for all and am clean, thank God!