my partener of 13 years had what he calls a fling with a girl half his age, he's 40 she's 21 just gone, he claims he slept with her once and she got pregnant, we have had the on off period over the last 12 months and in August he told me affair was finished and she was out of his life, i found out in Jaunary that she had given him a new cell phone in August and not only was he still seeing her he had gone labour with her and put his name on the birth certificate, i asked him to move out early Jaunary and he did to be with her, he called me daily asking me to come home and just after valentines day i took him back, he said that his girlfriend would find a new guy and that the child would grow up calling someone else daddy that he was no longer infautaed with her and found it hard to feel anything for the child, we agreed that money would be sent to support the boy and i tried once again to pick up the pieces, last weekend he announced his son was getting baptised and he wanted to attend for the day and would return home that night, his attitde was like i'm going and f you and i totaly flipped, mad women bunny boiler, kathy bates eat your heart out, anyways a week later he is back again telling me he loves me and i am his whole life, i am deverstated, depressed, on roller coaster of emotion, i am attending councellor but one day a week is'nt enough to get me over my crisis, it's like he knows when i am low and he picks away, i love him with all my heart, am very hurt and angry and please any one who has or is going same road please get in touch, my email is irishfemale@hotmail.com

Hello-

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. You'll find plenty of people who have gone and are going through similar situations. This is the place to come for support and advice. Have you discussed with your partner the circumstances that may have led to his fling? He said he was "infatuated" but not anymore. It's important to discover why he felt that way about an OW and heal the issues, otherwise it could happen again. Have you take the emotional needs questionnaire? That's a start.

Another thing jumps out at me from your post: He said he found it tough to feel anything for the OC. I guess I could easily fall into a lecture here. I won't other than to say, do you really want to be with someone who not only cheats on you because he's "infatuated," but who can also easily just cast away his own child - because he doesn't "feel" anything for the OC? He sounds like a guy who's very dictated by his emotions. What about what's right?

Are you married to him???
IF not I would just tell you to run, as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
IT sounds like he is still in the affair. He has you and the OW . He is going back and forth. That is what is called a cakeman.
Can you go to counceling for often? it takes along time to get over infedility. IT can be done.
Your relationship can be healed but it doesnt sound like your partner wants it to. Sounds like he is happy the way things are.
As long as you let him go back and forth he isnt going to change. You need to be strong.
Also I think you should go to the Dr. and get checked for STD's.
I am sorry you have to go thru this.

Have you had counseling? Have you read plan a and plan b?

SOunds like he is confused about what to do and what to think and what to say. You need to find out just what it is he wants.

Does he want the marriage and contact with the child? If so, discuss it.

Don't be upset if he feels nothing for the oc. He is projecting his shame and embarrassment onto the child..it is his confusion running amuck. He may feel that telling you that will help you take him back.

You two need couseling and to find out exactly what each other are feeling, need and want out of your lives. Simple. All the cards need to be put up on the table in a calm, matter of fact way. Get to the bottom of what it is you and he both want and start from there.

thank all :-)
we have had the period of on off/in and out... yes he gave me std and i had lining of my womb removed last year due to cervical cancer and he left me wide open to anything and did'nt give a sh about me, my gut instint is telling me run and don't look back but then i have the moral cristening upbringing of while we may have not been married we still have 13 years together, business and 2 beautiful children, we got held up last xmas 12 month by gun point for xmas pay roll and as result of this he entered into his affiar, with in weeks she claimed she was pregnant and its been see saws and roundabouts ever since
my partner is recovering alcholcic and my councellor is telling me that addicts switch one addiction for another and i am try to hear what he's saying and be patiant but i am sinking into depression and can't see woods for the trees anymore
also he is holding buisness over my head, while i want to sell and run split every thing 50/50 he's not willing to do this which will bring me down road of lawyers which will lead to custody and i really don't know if i have strenght to do all this just now
he has asked me to meet him today to disucuss options, i have laid them on table as best i can where i need time apart from him and for as long as he is living with her i am not prepared to discuss 'us' logicaly, i have offered to rent him house or apartment to give him space to figure out what it is he wants and not close the door for all my other reasons, i think i am being fair he says i'm controling and spitful
i have told him that i would support him if he decided to look for custody/or our home vistations, i don't blame the child just the perents but i just could'nt put myself the heartache of knowing he is up with her and wondering what the heck they are doing
i feel like i have to cover all ground before i can get clouser and i thank you all for your support on here
excuse the spellings and typos :-)
hugs

yes he gave me std and i had lining of my womb removed last year due to cervical cancer and he left me wide open to anything and did'nt give a sh about me

Um, OK...But still...Depending on which STD it is, it could kill you. Hate to be so direct but, that's the truth. Was the cervical cancer caused by the STD?

Come on, IrishFemale, please please take care of yourself. This guy won't. You want to be around - and healthy - for your kids, right?

we got held up last xmas 12 month by gun point for xmas pay roll and as result of this he entered into his affiar,

That sounds too cut and dried. I'm sure he was stressed, but so were you, no? You didn't have an A.

my gut instint is telling me run and don't look back but then i have the moral cristening upbringing of while we may have not been married we still have 13 years together

Sorry, dear, but that's an oxymoron: "moral cristening...not been married." Yeah, I now everyone's morals differ in this department. But staying with someone like this isn't "moral cristening," it's dependency. Might you also be addicted to him? Follow your gut. If you don't, you'll kick yourself later.

i have offered to rent him house or apartment

Don't spend another dime [euro? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ] on him.

Last pt: Don't be upset if he feels nothing for the oc. He is projecting his shame and embarrassment onto the child..it is his confusion running amuck.

Maybe so, but his actions on the whole don't reflect a great deal of concern for his own kids. That tells me something about him and it worries me.

Sorry for the point-counterpoint. But I felt compelled to respond.

Best,

Too

I tried to post a reply already, but my network is messing up. I'm going to try agian.

I see a lot of similarities in your situation and mine. My H and I have been married almost 5 years, but together almost 14 years. In the begining my H was not sure if he wanted contact. He was very nervous about being a father as we did not have children yet. I actually encouraged him to have contanct because I did not feel the child should be punished for her parents mistakes. I was concerned that H did not seem very interested in the baby. I later learned H had been seeing the baby behind my back because he thought it was too difficult for me. The affair was rekindled.

H had also wanted to attend the Baptism, but told OW that I would also be there. We both went together.

It seems like your partner is very confused as my H is. He doesn't seem to know what he wants and you are caught in the middle. You are the one that will continue to be hurt.

I am in the same position like I said except that I am pregnant, so in my situation there is not a lot I can do legally(I can't file until after the baby is born). I think I am protected legally as much as I can be. I would suggest you do the same. H and I never had a joint account. The only thing we had together basically was the house. Since you do have a business together I do reccomend you do something to be sure you are protected legally as far as your business goes. Is he providing for your children while he is out of the house? I would make sure they are protected as well.

I know it is scary to think about, but one thing I had to consider was did I really want OW to be able to influence H's decisions as far as my baby is concerned? As long as she's in the picture I can't gurantee H will make the right decisions for our baby. I would like to think that he would, but I can't count on it.