I don't know, I was having the greatest day emotionally. I thought to myself "Hey, i wish I could feel like this everyday", and then we had to discuss the kids and then reality of the break-up hits me. I am not really hurt or angry, just disappointed. So disappointed in him, and I am really starting to understand that my life would be better off without someone like him in it. I know this will be the scariest thing I have ever gone through so far in my life, but the feeling sucks! I guess my ego, wants him to beg me to come back, that he will try ANYTHING. I don't want him to be over me! I don't want him to have it so easy! I don't want him to have all the material things that I don't. AND MOST OF ALL I DON'T WANT TO BE BITTER! I am hoping that I am not fooling myself into thinking that I will be okay and that I don't want him anymore. I say it, but then I get scared thinking, maybe I am trying to make myself believe it. He doesn't deserve me, I know that, I just don't want to hurt! Thanks for letting me vent!

Oh sorry,<BR>Sounds like me months ago and even like me sometimes now. The process of grief seems so weird. You get so strong....feel like a million bucks...convince yourself that you can do it and you deserve better....then you crash. A song, a phone call from him or even a memory of some great time and then reality sets in again. A reality that makes you understand that you still love him......you want your old life back.....you will do anything....been there....done that....and after 10 months of seperation....still doing it. He seems to have gotten on with his life and I am still getting caught in the mud, so to speak. It gets better, it gets easier. I, like you, wanted him to fight for me....I mean, he was the betrayer, he should have worked like h*ll to make things right. It was just too hard for him...running was easier. No one wants to hurt. But I feel alot like you...Why is it so easy for them? Everything he seems to touch comes out smelling like a rose....but me??????? I have to believe Chicken Little.....the sky is falling!<BR>Nancy

I totally understand Mental! I guess it is going to come and go. I just pick myself, dust myself up, and say F&CK HIM!

I'm in the same boat with ya'll!!! I don't know how to swim either or I would just jump out! I can't stand this up(one day) and down the next. I get so blue and feel so worthless, then I feel " I can do this, I am strong! " then back to blue again. I finally will see the Doctor about medication on Mon. See a Marriage Counciler on Tues.(insurance pays, thank the Lord for small favors.) I know H won't go with me, he is suppose to be looking for a place to live. Just thought I'd cumiserate with you, your posts hit home. Why do we have to go thru this? I've said many a time I wish I could HATE him, then I would be glad he's going!!! <P>------------------<BR>Peg

trying2_4give<P>I know how you feel, and it really stinks to feel the way we do sometimes.<P>One thing is don't sell yourself or your marriage so short. <P>On the outside he may appear to be the happy go lucky guy, that he wants to believe he is.<P>On the inside other things are most likely brewing.<P>I really doubt he is *over you*.<P>Most marriages that end on paper don't end emotionally untill YEARS later. This is the number one reasons most affairs that contribute to the breakdown of the marriage don't end in matrimony. It is also a reason why 2nd marriages, in general, have such a poor rate of survival. If one doesn't grieve the ending of the first marriage before the next realtionship begins (and in affairs we know this is not the case) the first spouse is still in them emotionally. And as we all know there is not room in any marriage for 3 people.<P>So he may act like he is through with you and only needs to speak to you about the children and legal matters. On the inside he has memories and a history that he can't erase that easily. Even though he may try to, or convince you he has.<P>My 16 year old put it best when she told me, she wanted revenge on her dad and when I told her revenge isn't healthy for the mind, body or soul she then said, "No Mom, not evil revenge, our revenge will be going on with our lives and doing awesome inspite of Dad not because of Dad." From the mouths of babes (or actually teens )........<P>Fingers Crossed

THANKS FINGERS CROSSED! Your post meant so much to me. I guess when you are in the predicament it is hard to see clearly. He still hasn't moved all of his stuff out yet. I thought about asking him when he was going to do it, but then I changed my mind. Impatience is a downfall for me. I want things settled quickly and I usually end up doing the wrong thing just to get some sort of reaction out of him. I am just going to let this roll naturally, without any words from me. I do have my breaking point though, but I have been reading Harleys Books and hopefully I will learn not to let my mouth and bitter actions get the best of me. I am not Plan A'ing like the book says, but I am not going to LOVEBUST either. I think that will shock him, no reaction/or actions from me onto him. It is hard though.

You go girl!!!!!!<BR>I wished I had read his book months ago. Too late though. When I try to be nice to him he just gets angry and verbally abusive with me. It almost seems the nastier I am the more he calls. Wierd but true.<BR>Nancy

Mental, did you ever think that the fact that he calls you when you are nasty to him, is because he can't handle you being nice to him due to his guilt. He probably feels better about what he has done if you are nasty to him, because he feels he deserves it. When you are nice, the guilt of how he could do something so painful to you is all too much for him to handle so he feels better when you beat up on him emotionally!

T24G,<BR>Don't ask your H to move his stuff out. My H actually let our home in December and most of his stuff is still here. He only took some of his clothes and his tools for work. In a way, it hurts to see his stuff here but I am also comforted in the fact that he didn't take his whole life to the OW's house. I'm thinking he is confused about where he belongs. <P>He also gets angry alot at me. I believe that is guilt. But like I've told my MIL, I'm gonna kill him with kindness. I'll be so nice he won't know what to expect next.(He expects me to be angry with him.)<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Thanks for the advice Mitzi! I am going to do what I DON'T NORMALLY do, and be patient, don't rush anything, or let my actions control me. I usually try to get a rise out of him just so that I can get a reaction or some sense of what is going to happen next. But I am going to sit back and relax and enjoy me! I must say, I am sleeping so much better now that he is gone. Before I would take cold medicine to put me to sleep FAST so I won't think about things with him lying next to me. Now that he is gone, I fall asleep naturally and I sleep WELL! I guess the not walking on egg shells or not expecting disappointment because there is no contact to be disappointed from is what is happening.

Since October 1998 until May 1999, I was exactly where all of you are now. There was no hope. He detested me. He wanted out of the marriage-he wanted to be rid of me. Out of the clear blue. He was verbally abusive, cruel and cold. Every action of his was a rejection of me. He acted like he couldn't get away from me fast enough. This was the man who called me the love of his life for 20 years; his once in a lifetime. He loved me so completely and so deeply, it took my breath away. He made me feel like I was the most interesting, most beautiful and most devastating creature on the face of the earth. Then, he began drinking after almost 18 years of sobriety. He felt that he was "missing" something. He began acting like a big shot; spending money we didn't have on clothes, working out every day at the gym. Then he told me he wanted out of the marriage. That I had gotten old. His statements knocked the wind out of me and sent me reeling. This was the man who told me for twenty years that every time we made love it was like brand new. I was so devastated, I refused to go to a party with him because I was so heartsick at what he had said to me.<BR>He met the OW at the party. He flew to see her over three weekends in November 1998. The last weekend they were together, she got pregnant. He filed for divorce a week before she got pregnant, so he really hated me and wanted to be rid of me. I started Plan A-ing my husband without knowing anything about Plan A because I didn't find the forum until May 1999. I did not know about the pregnancy until the first week of January. He did ask to come home on 1-1-99. I was the walking wounded but I was thrilled. <BR>I found out about the pregnancy 1-7-99, after spending a week reconnecting with my husband. It was horrible beyond words. He was a jerk to me-flipping between hating me and loving me, wanting me, wanting her, calling her on the sly until 1-17-99. Then he went into treatment and stopped drinking. After his 30 days in treatment, he came home and we went into Retrouvaille. things were tenuous and shaky. He would soemtimes desire to be close to me and other times reject me. Up down inside out. I never knew what to expect.<P>In mid May I couldn't stand the rejection and sadness one more minute. I slammed my hands flat sown on the coffee table and said, "That's it. Pack your bags; go to NY to be with Miss Unremarkable and her screaching brat-you deserve each other-you sure don't deserve me." I meant it. I meant every word. I then packed my bags and took off for the weekend while leaving a letter I posted here last May called "My Once In A Lifetime". He read it, and the impact was profound. I felt so good getting everything down on paper, regardless whether or not he read it. But, he did read it, and while I was gone I had several voicemails on my cell phone and when I got back, everything had changed-everything. The 'withdrawal' was over and he has spent the past nine months fighting for me, for us, constantly reassuring me of his love for me, focusing on me and us, instead of himself. He couldn't be more loving and involved. The kindness he shows me and the care he shows me is like before only much deeper and meaningful, because he means it, and he is painfully aware of the massive destruction he caused in such a remarkably short period of time that has changed our lives forever.<P>Last week, he was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder. He was going to commit suicide. Three professionals told me that they had never seen anyone so profoundly committed to ending their life. He told me he couldn't bear the pain of my pain for what he had done anymore. He said it was too much-the deep remorse and regret had become debilitating. He is sick with grief for what he did and is in a great deal of pain.<P>Even though I have forgiven him, I am still in pain myselfm], and probably will be for a very, very long time. But I don't let it get in the way of our pleasure in rediscovering each other. Ironically, this tragedy has brought us closer than either of us can believe. He thought if he killed himself, it would protect me from 'her'. But that was alcoholic sick thinking. Today, he is dry and in treatment again to be followed with a halfway house. Today he does not want to die. Today he thanks me over and over again for staying with him and not giving up on him. In fact, his only desire is to fix this, to repair the damage as much as possible. He realizes now that the grass wasn't greener and that whatever that was last year with that other person, it could never compare to what we had and especially to what we have now. He says he'll spend the rest of his life making it up to me.<P>The consequences of his actions have changed my life and his life forever. I miss our sexual exclusivity that used to be so important to both of us. I have to go through the rest of my life knowing that some stranger had my husband's child, and that I never will; I cannot. It's very tragic. Yet, the joy I feel sometimes overwhelms me and I am trying to be grateful he came home inspite of what we have to deal with. <BR>A year ago I had serious doubts that we would ever reach anything like where we are today. He is committed to getting well. I really think he might make it this time. I will need prayers. In spite of his illness, his heart is pure and willing and he is so wonderful to me; so completely involved again and reconnected.<P>My purpose of this post reply is to give you hope that no matter how rejecting, cold, nasty and hurtful things can get or how mean and spiteful they can be, God can change their hearts. I prayed to God to change his heart, to make him see. My prayers were answered. <P>My prayer and hope for you is that God will soften their hearts and lift the fog from their eyes so they can see; see the reality and that it isn't better away from home. And I hope and pray that none of you will have to face devastating consequences like I did. Warmest wishes. C

Thanks Catnip! That was a real inspiration. It is scary though, because I hate to get my hopes up and then when H does something or says something negative, it's as if I am heartbroken all over again. So that is why I do minimal contact. An email here and there asking a question about household things, kids, etc. No lovebusting, just flat out necessary questions.