good evening one and all<P>Deut told me today that he will 'leave MB to me'.....as a place for me to vent....<P>He says he now feels embarassed and humiliated.....<P>NOT about what I posted about the poverty, joblessness, or seemingly hopelessness of our situation right now, but rather, by one line of my previous post....<P>the line about him being back to playing online games for 6 hours a day.....<P>by this, I mean, a few hours in the morning, maybe a game in the afternoon, and a long one in the evening until the wee hours....<P>he feels I inferred that he was playing EVERY day for a block of 6 hours at a time......<P>Well, did this not start the world's stupidest argument.....he said he now feels like he will be judged here (as if ever....) as some sort of game playing loser who does nothing else all day.....(which is not true)<P>the worst part for me, was that I asked him specifically NOT to read my post, as I was venting....just letting a little of my despair out...I was actually insulted and upset that he could not, or would not respect my request....and that he went ahead, behind my back and read it anyway.....he has not even visited the boards for a few days....<P>the end result was ALOT of hurt feelings, and he DELETED the game from the computer...saying that if it was a trigger, or that if it was going to be this big an issue in our relationship, he would just forget about it...even though he feels it is a hobby, and a greatly needed one at that....<P>i responded that it was a jealously issue for me....if he could spend from 10 pm until 1 or 2 am playing this game (with me going to bed alone most nights), why could he not pay equal amount of attention to me, and to our son??? (we are surrounded by stress on a constant basis, and I would just like some time for us)<P>It IS also a trigger for me, as spending well over 6 hours a day on it during his affair (I know, when the heck did he have time for the affair????) was the norm...he played to avoid me, to avoid looking at me, and facing what he was doing to me, to the marriage, and generally hiding from his life.....(and if he is starting to 'hide' from his life again...I fear...can another OW be far away???...unreasonable, I know, but still a fear)<P>well. I'm frikken sorry, but.....I do not begrudge him his hobby....just the amount of time allocated to it...however, I do feel the game is too important, yet feel guilty now, that he deleted it, as I should just be happy his hobby is here at home and no longer a blonde!!!, as well as the fact that it does give him pleasure....<P>I even attempted a compromise...maybe weekend evenings only???...nope, only deleting it in a big 'show' in front of me would do....then i made the stupid comment about how playing as often as he does is fine......if you are a teenage boy living at home with your parents with no bloody responsibilities....<P><BR>could someone help me get my foot out of the back of my head????<P>I would like to state for the record, that no, it has not been everyday.....and not for 6 hours in a stretch.....but it is nightly...on an almost daily basis.....<P>am I nuts here???....maybe PMS rearing it's ugly hormonal head???.....he was really truly upset about this....<P>I think he was upset about everything....overwhelmed, and held onto that.....but I mean, what a dumb argument, and he is now serious about not being able to 'face' all of you....<P><BR>sorry if this is disjointed and rambling...not up to my usual posting standards, (well, it is in length) but I am really confused as to what I did that was so horrible and wrong...<P><BR>Dylan

ps:<P>no, Bill, it was not Rogue Spear....<P>LOL<P>Dylan

No Sweetie, you're not nuts.<P>David won't come here either, for the same reasons... sadly, there has been some bashing of him, but in a way that is meant to support me since I am the main poster of the two of us... <P>I've never felt that Deut was bashed, and I didn't think a thing about his playing games for six hours since he's unemployed... now, if he were employed for 8-9 hours a day and then played games for another 6, I'd be worried. Otherwise, nah, not a big deal... just my opinion. <P>But the fact that it bothered YOU matters a lot... <P>oh, heck, you guys are under mega-stress...who the heck knows what's what when you're struggling so... I just feel for you guys!<P>Much love, Sheryl<BR>

Dylan,<P>I saw your other post, but never got a chance to reply. Sorry you guys have so much to contend with right now. <P>You and Deut have the biggest platter of stresses that I have ever seen! Of course you two are fighting, honey...it is how you can relieve some stress and tension.<P>Ok...how do you eat an elephant???? One bite at a time, of course! LOL!<P>Now, you have a whole list of "opportunities" here. You two sit down and pick the eaisest thing you can fix or improve...and go for that one. Do something about the mortgage, no matter how high or low on the list. If nothing else, send then soemthing on the payment...maybe enought to cover the interest part of the note only, if you can??<P>This is the time in your life you need your family and friends. Here are all of us...all willing to pitch in and help and we have never met. Don't feel ashamed or too proud to go to your resources (family and friends) and tell them of your immediate situation. Truthfully, many people have experienced what you guys are going through at one time or another in their lives. There is no shame in falling upon hard times. The shame is in not reaching out for the extended helping hands. You know, at some point in the future, life will give YOU the opportunity to "pay" someone back for helping you now. Please do call and ask for the help you guys need...<P>My prayers for you both and both sons!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

If only I could spend that much time doing what I love to do. I know what its like to have a grand passion for something the rest of the world thinks is a little "off". When I worked part-time I had more time for it and I absolutely LOVED it. But, like Sheryl says, now that I'm working fulltime I just don't have the time (but I still miss it). <P>Perhaps its timing - right now its a combination of you feeling a bit more insecure than usual, and him being a bit more sensitive. Can you agree to leave the argument til tomorrow and discuss it then with the intention of both of you thinking out your reasoning to put forth then? Kind of like a brainstorming project. <P>Works best for us - by the time we have the "meeting" you've put so much thought into what the other person is going to say that you find you are thinking more alike than not.

Dylan,<P>Whew....I thought I was being a bad influence to a bad situation....<P>First thing eliminate all <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A><P>Secind thing negotiate the implimentation of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>....<P>And lastly I'm guilty fo this but you <B>MUST</B> place a filter between your brain and your mouth...<P>Also like I saud before <B>EVERYTIME</B> I acted on feelings I didn't think I was ever going to remove my foot...<P>I Love You Guys,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Dylan,<P>So sorry that the two of you are going through all this.<P>I never once looked at your post and judge Duet and I doubt that anyone else did either. So, you tell him for me that he'd better get his butt back on to these boards or one of us will just have to personally come over there and do some major butt busting. <P>Not much else to say except that of course I will be lighting that candle and pray for you both.<P><B>((((((((((((((((((((((DYLAN & DUET))))))))))))))))))))))</B><P>You guys are under so much stress! Arguments are usually stupid. Seems to be the nature of them. Maybe it is a blessing that my hubby doesn't post here or read in disguise? Got to count my silver linings huh? <P>Tomorrow will be a new day! Everything is always a little better in the fresh mornings light.<P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't loose. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>

weeee-elllll,<BR>I'm back... well, I never really left... just got a little into lurk mode...<P>RMA, I loved that line about eating one elephant at a time... lol... (I know that's not what you wrote, but hey, I'm allowed to modify things a little, aren't I?)<P>First off, I wnat to apologize to my lovely room-mate/wife/partner/co-parent/etc Dylan, for reading her post. She did specifically ask me not to read it... and truth is, I wouldn't have... I hadn't been to 'the boards' in a couple of days and was so tired last night that I probably wouldn't have even thought to read... except that she asked me not to... Anyway, it was rude and unfair of me to ignore her request and go in and read it. Something had been making her short tempered and surly over the last few days and I felt like I was being 'left out of the loop', so to speak. I just wanted some insight... I definately chose the wrong way to go about getting it! <BR>Yeah, there is some major stress happening here, and I have to admit it doesn't take an engineering degree to figure out what could be making her so unhappy, still, for me, emotions are pretty 'transparent'. <BR>I was upset about the 'gaming' thing because I really felt like I had been trying to minimize the time spent on it. In the past, I freely admit I would play excessively, but a few weeks ago, I made a decision to seriously cut back. It is an escape for me, and I feel a much needed one.<BR>Since then I've made a concious and (I feel successful) effort to limit myself to one game per day, after the kids have been put to bed. I even, a few nights per week, told my on-line buddies that "no, I could not play tonight as I had plans to spend the eve with my wife." I even made a point of checking with Dylan before each game to see if it was 'ok' (my married friend and I have a running joke about it... ('got clearance?' 'yep, you?' 'yep') <BR>Anyway, I felt, upon reading her post that my efforts were in vain and also that I was being portrayed VERY unfairly. <BR>All those who have been reading our posts/replies and know our story, I value you your opinion of me a GREAT deal, and while I know you would never judge... well, I guess, if I were to read a post about someone who played for 6 hours each and every day, I would be thinking 'hey, dude, you have a family there...' <BR>Anyway, Dylan sent me out to the store, and while driving, it just hit me that it wasn't worth it... I play to escape from the stress, to stretch my brain in a challenging and exciting manner (game of choice is a historically based real-time-strategy) and if this frikken game is going to trigger such chaos in our marriage, then it's just not worth it. I lent out the disc on 'indefinately' so it's not like I can just reinstall it... (at least I still have Rogue Spear) <BR>Anyway I just can't stand the fighting... nothing is worth that. I was raised in a household by my Mom alone, and we didn't fight. I can count on one hand the number of times she even raised her voice. Kind of cool in that I'm a very non-violent, easy going, guy who, when stressed does not usually pursue pointless fights with my spouse just to work off frustrations (which i have been reassured by profesionals is relatively normal) but on the down side, I don't have the defenses neccessary to deal with it when it's done to me. In real life, I go out of my way to avoid conflict, unless it's in the ring. And even then, punches,kicks and sword slashes are never thrown in anger. <BR>Anyway, I'm rambling like heck here. I think I have strayed very far from the point... sorry...<P>So, before I crash, a little update...<BR>-The mortgage is almost covered, about 80 percent...<BR>-Friends are out, as they are mostly broker than we are...<BR>-Family is out. My [censored] father recomends that I 'back-off' from the situation with my son, to 'get my life in order'. Ya well, that's what he did. And guess what- now he's off to Hawaii with his OW-Whure (whose's wearing a very expensive ring) so he's got his life in order all right, but meanwhile both his kids grew up without a father and mostly without a mother, as she had to work 2 jobs to keep us clothed, fed and housed. My bro is not much further ahead in his life than me... I think there are lessons that parents are OBLIGED to teach their children... lessons that cannot be taught if there's no-one around to teach them! (Anybody sensing a little bit of resentment here?) <BR>-Dylan and I aren't arguing anymore. We've kissed and made up... <BR>-Work is trickling in... there are a few prospects on my end that, if they pan out, will be very good, but then again, we will see. No good placing to much faith on something that 'may' happen, regardless of the likelyhood. This is definately the 'off' season for renovations, I'd be lucky and blessed to get work at all.<P>In anycase, with the fight over, I'm feeling much better. This thing with my son and ex, gawd it is so bad... I'm so so so so at the end of my rope about that alone, and I really need my Dylan on my side, if you get my meaning... <P>To ensure that she is, I'd better get up there and give her a warm butt to cuddle up next to or.... <P>Thanks for 'listening',<BR>Deut

Yayyyyy!!!! You guys always come through and make me feel good!!! (Sigh...)<P>Still pulling for you and praying for you. With a plate that full, stress IS high and filters don't work, emotions are raw and you guys HANDLED it!!! Knew you could!<P>Have fun cuddling!<P>Lori

Hi Soulloss and Duet,<P>good on you both. Well done. With your stress levels so high, you need to hug and be with each other. You will get each other through. But you need to stick together.<P>Duet, I never for a minute judged you, or assumed that it was 6 hours per day that you played. My H used to play whatever on the computer a couple of times per week, and it drove me nuts,... until I came to my senses. Just because playing a computer game wasn't my idea of relaxing, who was I to say what he should find relaxing ??<P>You know when you are so stressed, that everying, and I mean everything is going wrong, whatever anybody say's is the wrong thing.... We all get so sensitive when we're stressed. We read things into what is said, when that is not the meaning at all.<P>I'm just glad you both worked through it - together. That is what marriage means to me, ie, The good times are easy to share, but it's the hard times, when you really pull together, that make for a wonderful marriage. You have shared something hard, worked at it, and solved it. Now look forward to the good times, even if at the moment it may be short and sweet.<P>Is any of this making any sense at all ?? I feel as though I am rambling big time.....<P>anyway, I just wanted to post and say well done, you are both great.<P>Take care of each other, and remember, most of us wish for our spouse's warm butt with us !!! You two appreciate each other, and what you've got, OK !!!<P>Jo <BR>

I'm a little late here, but just wanted to add that I took Dylan's vent for just that... a vent. Can't imagine judging about the 6 hours on-line a day (esp. since I seem to be a MB addict). And, [QUOTE]it was rude and unfair of me to ignore her request and go in and read it.[/UNQUOTE]<BR>Yeah, too true... And if my S had asked me not to read a certain post, would I have had the ability to NOT read it? H*LL no...<p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited February 08, 2000).]

Hey you two Francophones!!!!!J/K<P>I am glad to hear that you have patched things up. Life is so much better when you are both playing on the same side!!!<P>It looks like things are picking up for you a little, I am glad to hear that ALL is not gloom and doom. I will still keep you guys in my prayers though, especially that son of yours Deut. I hate to hear of a child in a bad situation. I hope everything will turn out for the best for him. <P>Dylan, keep me posted as to new developements okay? I'd love to hear from you.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

*<p>[This message has been edited by Being a better Arik (edited February 21, 2000).]

Thanks guys...<BR>It sure feels good to have so many caring souls rooting for us...<BR>Actually, I think that (and I won't even call it an argument) stress filled morn was more about all-the-everything that was going on... not about the game... <BR>Also, when I posted, I was dead tired, and never re-read before I clicked that submit button... upon rereading, I noticed that I may have unwittingly given the impression that Dyaln flies off the handle sometimes... which is totally false!!! In actual fact, we don't fight... ever. In fact, sometimes I think that may be one of our 'problems'. There was one time that we had a heated argument that resulted in raised voices... most of the time though, it's a matter of each of us 'bottling'. Dylan gets sarcastic and I withdraw- not neccesarily in that order, lol.<BR>Thanks to you guys and a select few of Harley's principles (as well as others) we are getting better at this relationship thing. Both of us come from one parent families so we've kind of had to start from scratch if you know what I mean.<BR>Anyway, things are way cool. We worked together today (I was doing reno's at her place of employment) so we snuck off together for the odd smoke, with the youngun running back and forth between us... lol though mostly with Mom. He just loves working with tools, but the minute I fire up a drill or other power tool, he gets scared and runs for the hills... lololol<BR>Thanks again folks,<BR>Deut<BR>ps: Arik, s'ok about the email thing... but write soon... tell me what you do for stress relief (if you live in BC I bet I can guess, lol) since I haven't got my game installed, I'm in the market for new outlets, .

Duet,<P>You are a really good person who is just going through some really rough times right now. You and Dylan make such a great team! I know if you two guys work TOGETHER you can face all these problems and work through them one at a time! If you look at them all collectively, it is just so overwhelming! Take things easy and work on them systematically.<P>You have the prayers and support of everyone on this forum!!!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Soulloss<BR>I get extremely jealous about the amount of time that my h spends online too. No matter how much or how little(he is making an effort to limit his time too). It drives me nuts! The only thing that I can come up with is this, according to Harley, couples need to spend 15 hrs of uninterupted time together each week. We don't even come close to that so I consider the time he spends online as time that is being taken away from me. Fairly or not, this is how I feel. My h and I have had arguments about this issue too. He always feels that I am trying to control his life. From Deuts response here, he is willing to do whatever it takes. You are very fortunate! I am sure that you are very stressed right now. One of a womans major emotional needs is for financial security. That need is not being met right now, and your lovebank has been drained by everything else that has been going on. I'm sure that with your h being self-employed, there have been slow times before and it was just a bump in the road. Right now it is a major issue because of everything else. Try to remember how you got through these slow times before and realize that you can make it through. Just Plan A to the max! No your needs will not be met right now, but at least it is not the blonde!! Remember that God is faithful and he will provide. It would always be easier if it were in our time though