H and I and the kids had a "date" last night. I was so happy, I thought he was rethinking his decision about getting a divorce. As it turns out, he wants the happy family together when he feels like it, but not the wife. He told me his decision to divorce still stands. I had a really hard time enjoying the rest of the evening. We went to his mom and dad's to grill hamburgers. It was surreal. It felt like old times, joking around, having fun, the kids running around. H kept staring at me, winking at me, etc. But his decision is the same. I know he's still seeing the OW because she paged him several times last night while we were together. What is going on here? He loves me but is not "in love" with me. I am getting so many mixed signals. He says he will always care for me, he just doesn't want to be married to ME anymore. I am so confused and sick at heart. This is the most convoluted mess I have ever had to deal with. Does anyone have any insight??? HELP!<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen7,<P>Your H is having a hard time deciding what he wants. He is still in the cloud of the infactuation of the affair.<P>This is the toughest part for you, but I do think there is plenty to be hopeful for.<P>Do not push him. Do not LB. Try not to dwell on your realtionship everytime you get together. Make home a place he wants to come home to.<P>Let him see that you have changed, and are working hard on yourself.<P>I know this is hard, but it is the only way right now.<P>I am in a similar sit. My ex and I had a great conversation yesterday. The first probably ever in our realtionship and the first time we have spoken in 6 weeks.<P>But I know whe will be seeing him tonight. It hurts a lot. I am probably getting my hopes up too much, and since we had such a nice converstion, I am dying to pick up the phone just to say hi.<P>But I know I can't right now.<P>I will pray for you. Hang tough.

keridwen, don't lose hope.<BR>During an affair, nothing seems to sink in, the confusion on the betrayer's side is huge. They think they know what they want, but they still enjoy moments with us as a famliky and that send more mixed messages that they can't really understand at the moment.<BR>Me and my H's also haad great "dates" while the affair was going on. At the begining I would see them as a sign that maybe things were starting to get better. It felt so much like old days , where everything was great. HOwever the next day nothing had changed. <BR>After a while I was starting to feel like "what's the point?" this is not going to work. But, there actually was a point, those times together were registering although not on a conscious level, and when the pull of the affair became weaker, all memories helped his decision to stay with us.<BR>In all affairs ( or at least the big majority) the "I love you but I'm not in love wit you" comes up at some point ( in my case I didn't even get that, I got the "I don't love you, I probably never did" one )and I came to believe it's just one of those things created to justify the affair ( although at the time they feel it as a reality ) and shouldn't really be taken as an inquestionable truth.<BR>If you are in plan A, please keep it if you can, and try to think about the positive - after all, even if not perfect the get together was a pleasant time wiht you and the kids and something that he will remember later.<BR>Mixed signs are a commom trademark of affairs, and if she paged him so many times, that shows that she isn't as confident about it as all that. My H's ow, found out when we started counselling and would page him time and time again while we were there.. It didn't help as she thought, though, it just got him mad, and ending up leaving the pager home for days.<BR>Hang in there, it's not over until... you know the rest. Keep your goals in mind and try not to get sidetreacked with misex signals.<BR>I went trough that and we are now enjoying the best time of our lives and in a marriage strong enough to minimize the risk of something like this happening again. And believe me, unlike yours, my H's decided not only he didn't love me, but couldn't care less about my feelings or if he was hurting me or not. He was feeling no guilt and felt no remorse, at least untill he came back from fantasy land. <BR>Take care<BR>Kat

JJ & Kat,<P>Thanks for your advice. I really needed to hear that my situation is not unique. It gives me some measure of hope. I gave him a small V-day gift last night (I am leaving on a business trip tomorrow) and today he dropped by to see ME (not the kids) to give me one. He gave me a teddy bear, a white rose, two boxes of chocolates. I think maybe it was just a guilt gift. But maybe it means something good. He stayed for dinner with me & the kids. I had made a homemade chicken pot pie. He really enjoyed it. I was in a good mood and he hugged me goodbye. I don't know. I hope I'm not setting myself up for a big fall. That's the hardest part. But he avoids any discussion of the divorce in practical ways (like telling the kids or going over finances). He is still paying "his" portion of the bills and I'm paying mine. Part of me wants to protect myself, but I know if I do that I will shut myself off. I think I'll try to focus on going back to school (been wanting that for a long time). Keep your fingers crossed for us. I will for you guys. <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com