Thanks for replying to my post last night. I hate those anxiety attacks. I'm trying to work on them, but so hard, since I have always been a worrier.<P>Here's my update:<P>My H called me at 11pm. He went out driving around to think, and then went to a friend's (male co-worker) house to visit & chat.<P>He said that for months, he has been feeling that I don't love him enough....that old saying...That I love him, but I'm NOT romantically in love with him.<P>He said that he feels guilt-ridden and it is eating him up inside. He can't stop thinking about the terrible things that he did to me.<P>He said that he can't imagine life without me and will keep proving how sorry he is.<P>He feels that I am only staying because of "obligation," and not because I love him.<P>He kept asking me to tell him that I love him....really love him.<P>Folks...I've been doing Plan A (well..trying my best to) and he thinks that I am just doing the motions...but that I don't really mean what I am doing.<P>What am I supposed to do now? How do I do a better Plan A when I think I'm doing the best that I can right now?

It seems like a normal reaction on his part as well.<BR>Once more, I am a bit in a hurry, but I'll try to be brief ( If you ever read my posts, you'll realize that's a difficult task LOL )<BR>When they finally "wake up" the reality hits back big time. What they did was hurtfull a nd shelfish. It is natural to feel kind of "how can he/she still love me after all I did?" The best way to deal with it, I think, is to understand this and communicate. Talk about what you fell and felt, be supportive, be open about what your anxieties are and what he can do to help.Recovery takes time, too, but communication is essential.DOn't forget the small things that say "I love you" so well, and surprise him with a card or a letter from you sometimes . Show him you enjoy spending time with him even when he's watching the hockey game ( bad example I love hockey )or fixing the pipes. Plan time together, write love notes and hide them in his lunchbox. Make sure that you tell him about what you need from him. For instance it migh be a good idea to explain to him that he could have called you earlier, it would have saved a lot of anxiety. It's a job for 2 people, as you work together , both of you will feel more secure and your marriage will get stronger.<BR>Hugs<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

{{{{{{{{NT}}}}}}}}}}<P>Well, here I am, again. <P>My MIL told me at one point, about 2 mos ago that this was the way my H felt also. I'm afraid that I don't have any words of wisdom for you because I didn't know what to do about it either. I have tried and tried, and cried....<P>I guess you just need to look him in the eye and keep on trying to let him know how you feel. I hope that your H can be honest with you, at least <B>he</B> is the one who told you how he was feeling. I only heard it thru my MIL. Ask him to help in getting that "being in love" feeling back for both of you - it <B>does take two</B>.<P>Oh, how I wish my H would talk to me about how he is feeling. He is such a clam. You know how much you love your H, he <BR><B>will</B> know if he lets himself see through his own guilt. <P>Best wishes for a grand day. The sun is shining in Seattle, I'll hold on to that for now. Where did I last see those darn sunglasses anyway?

Kat & RCoaster: Thanks for replying. Thing is that I tell my H about 2 times a day that I love him (and vice versa). When we watch TV, we always have our arms around each other. I watch tv with him, even if I don't like the show, etc. When we go to bed, we always fall asleep holding each other.<P>But, he feels that my love for him isn't "genuine." He says that he doesn't get that vibe of me truly meaning anything that I say or do.<P>Then, he says..."That's okay. After what I've done to you, I don't deserve for you to even love me, but I will continue to love you until you leave me. I won't ever leave you."<P>I think that he is so guilt-ridden that he is blocking out any kind of love that I show him. I don't think he loves himself or is allowing me to get to him. Does that make sense?<P>RCoaster..it sounds like our husband are "conflict-avoiders." I know my H is. Hey...you can borrow my sunglasses!<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited February 13, 2000).]

NT,<P>Definitely a conflict avoider....I think that is part of the reason that OW still contacts him. She knows he won't just tell her to leave us alone so she can then feel that she still has a hold on his affections.<BR>I have also enabled this so take my part in the blame for the way our relationship is going.<P>Yes, I think his guilt is what is talking...perhaps the same for my H, because he knows how much it hurts to know that OW is still lurking in the shadows. They don't feel deserving and maybe there is nothing for us to do but to let them get through it with as much help from us as <B>they</B> will allow.

NoTrust,<P>The first thing you need to do is tell him you are NOT there with him out of obligation, or for the kids sake,(how are they btw?)or for anyother reason than that you love him. <P>When he cheated he broke any obligation you had to stay with him. UNTIL you forgave him and decided to stay. <P>Tell him what you have told us, write it in a letter if you need to. <P>I agree that the problem may be guilt, and maybe him thinking about what he MIGHT have done if the tables had been turned, and you had been the one who cheated.<P>Just hang in there recovery isn't easy , it is it's own rollercoaster ride and can be every bit as scary as the "discovery" and the "what do I do now" rides.<P>But hey at least on this ride we have a picture of the end of the ride. And it will be worth it all when we arrive.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

First let me say, I'm happy that he came home. And secondly, it's good he's talking about how he feels.<P><B>I think that he is so guilt-ridden that he is blocking out any kind of love that I show him. I don't think he loves himself or is allowing me to get to him. Does that make sense?</B><P><BR>Makes perfect sense. It's how I felt and I ended up driving H nuts. <P>Your doing everything you can, this is something he's gonna have to get over for himself. But you are helping, just keep on doin what ya' doing!<P>I'm praying for you both!<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

RCoaster: The conflict avoiding can drive me nuts. My H holds everything inside for months...and then it all comes out like an explosion. It throws me off guard because I think things are going smoothly. Then, when he acts like this, I don't know how to react to his behavior.<P>I wish OW would leave your H alone. But it seems with "conflict avoiders," is that they are afraid to be blunt & to the point with OW. They are too afraid of being mean to them.....and then it gives the OW a false hope that he will be back.<P>Deb: Hi there. Kids are doing fine, but they were wondering why he wasn't home early yesterday.<P>My H's behavior reminds me of the fact that people who have strayed, hurt just as much as the people who were betrayed.<P>I wish the rollercoaster ride would end now. I want to get off.<P>Jamie-Lee: I'll keep doing what I'm doing and hope that it will be enough. I do agree...that the guilt is something that he will have to address himself. It is something that is going on inside of him. By the way, did you get my e-mail to you?

My problem with his not avoiding contact with the OW is that <B>I don't know if it IS a false hope that he is giving the OW</B>.<P>Sometimes I feel that he has just been here because of monetary conflicts. I have some, she doesn't. <P>Thanks for your views on the conflict avoidance tho.

hey you. see I told you not to jump to any thing, but I am glad you feel a bit better nad you just need to keep letting him know you love him, it will sink in soon, if you need to talk ya know how to get a hold of me.<BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> lms20ish@jobe.net

NT,<P>Hope you don't mind I am joining in (my name wasn't in title). I am new here, for about two weeks now.<P>A few weeks ago, when I was Plan A'ing (didn't know it, was basically killing him with kindness), he said he felt bad, like I was coming to accept this and just avoiding it. he was living with OW and we talked every day for 3 hours a day about everything like nothing happened. But each night he went home to her. I began to live around these phone calls. I realized he was getting a need filled by me so that was good. <P>I didn't understand it, but reading your story, I think it sounds normal enough. Probably a reaction to guilt. You can only try your best and you are doing a good job by the sounds of it. You can not be held responsible for his guilt, that is his responsibility, you have had enough burden of your own.<P>I agree, its good you are talking, its good he is there with you, all good things, good for you. You are in my prayers, I will try and read your story next time before I answer so I can give a better reply.<BR>

(((((((((Notrust)))))))))<P>my turn to apologize for being late..!!<P>the words said by your H, I must admit, left me feeling cold....they are the words used by Deut to justify his whole affair...<P>they know we 'love' them, but they don't feel that we are 'IN LOVE'....that we are simply 'going through the motions'.....I don't know how to help you, my friend....we cannot convince them, it would seem, of the true fact of the matter, that we would have left way before now if we did not think we were in love, or that at least, the 'in love' feelings would return...<P>Deut has thought for months that I am biding my time, and that my ultimate revenge will be to wait until he is comfortable, then BAM!!!! I will leave him....<P>sweetie, keep up your plan a, and do whatever you have been....his insecurities are that...his...you can only do what you think he needs to see, hear, feel, etc...to prove his feelings wrong...<P><BR>Dylan

Soulloss & Lonelymom:<P>Thank you for responding. I'll keep up with my Plan A behavior. I just hope that my H realizes that I didn't stay out of obligation.<P>I realize that only he can overcome his guilt. I think that his self-esteem is at a low point because of the guilt he is feeling.<P>Thanks again for your support.