The never ending roller coaster call marital turmoil has started to move back up in a positive direction. Maybe it's me, but here'<BR>s some ideas...<P>Since V-Day, my W has apparently taken on a whole new outlook on our relationship. She'd never cop to it, but she's changed in a positive manner.<P>She actually thanked me for flowers that I had sent to her on V-day. I didn't want to LB, so I didn't push it with roses. I did sent a great arrangement of tullips. Knocked her socks off! She was so happy, she sounded like she was gonna cry!<P>Ditto on the V-Day card. Nothing romantic -- humor only. No romantic or sappy kind of phrase or poem. Simply, "Happy Valentine's Day, Love, *"<P>She and the kids went out to V-Day dinner with her best friend, bf's H (the "OM") and their kids. Wasn't intentional that the OM was there. She came to me, unprovoked, and told me about him being there. She told me it was trully an accident, she was uncomfortable, and she wanted me to know. Wow! Bonus points to my W!!!<P>Yesterday, she actually called me at work to invite me to join her friends for dinner and a drink to celebrate one of their b-days. This in itself is remarkable since she has excluded me on ALL occasions with this group, except once. That one time was h**l, and I felt she was making a point of ignoring me and making me feel like an outcast. I wasn't able to make it to dinner since I was working late, but the invitation sounded genuine.<P>In general, she's sounded much more up and happy -- both on the phone, and in person. Still, we aren't talking alot like the old days (before marriage problems), but it's a big step in the right direction.<P>So, here's the theory: The last few weeks, I've been worrying about myself. Forget her, just me. And, of course the kids. I'm going to the gym religiously. I'm doing my own stuff, and taking care of my own issues. I never felt that I treated her like my mother, but now I wasn't going to even give her the slight thought of feeling that way.<P>I've ben doing my own grocery shopping -- asking her if she wants me to get anything for her -- but still doing my own. Even sewed on a button last night that came off some clothes. I cannot think of any errand or favor I've asked her to do (even though I'm working 14-16 hours/day) these last few weeks.<P>My newfound confidence and independance may actually be rattling her. Perhaps she's thinking that I don't need her anymore. Perhaps the reality is setting in -- in reverse.<P>She was the betrayer (EA). By having the affair, she was saying (subconsciously or not) -- "I don't need you (keystone)anymore". Well, guess what? I still need/want her. I'm just not going to pine away on the bench waiting for her to come along. If she wants me, she'll have to pursue me a little. Prove that she's worth the effort, since I'm done going out of my way to prove that I'm worthy of her.<P>Maybe it's a short term thing. I'm proceeding at my own risk, but I'm certainly doing so under my own power and confidence. What a difference it makes!<P>--keystone

Hi Keystone,<P> WOW that's great...and it seems to happen over and over.. The one pursuing lets go and stops the pursuit and the other one gets panicky and comes around. There is alot of this kind of thing on the DivorceBusting forums. I say, keep it up, !!! An independent strong person is so much more attractive than a needy ,devastated person, don't you think? Lu

Worked for me too! When H said he wanted to separate to figure out if he still wanted to be married, I refused to grovel at his feet and let him go. I let him see my tears and know I was hurt,but didn't make a scene. I told him if I was going to parent 3 kids alone I needed support and proceeded to go to a meeting of Parents Without Partners. He watched the kids that night. Later he asked how it went at the meeting and I let him know it was pretty much a social gathering and that three men had asked me if I dated. He immediately became concerned and asked if I planned on going back there and wanted to know what I told these men. I told him I let them know I wasn't ready to date and that I didn't think I would be going back to another meeting anytime soon,that I loved him and wanted to work things out. Well low and behold it wasn't but about a week later that he decided he was going to come home. My counselor told me it is very common for your spouse to look more attractive when you see someone else just might want them. Kind of like a kid with a toy that has been discarded for ages and then as soon as another child finds that toy fun and interesting,suddenly it's like "Hey, that's MY toy". Seems silly,but it definitely works if you're willing to take the risk and can assure your spouse that what you REALLY want is them!

To Keystone, thats great! Do you feel you appreciate W a little more now that yes, you can shop and sow, but isn't it nice to know she did those things for you? <P>To motherhubbard (is that your name?),<BR>I think you are right too. <P>I am going to try and pull myself up and be strong too. I will hope my doing this will give me some positive results as well. Thanks guys!

I applaud you confidence, I can't seem to find it, I tell him everyday I love/need him. All I ever wanted was for him to come home, but he didn't come back emotional and tells me e doesn't want to touch me, not even hold my hand, he just wants to be friends and I want us back. If I act like I don't need him, maybe he will leave again and I can't take thatkind of pain again, what should I do?

lonelymom --<P>Don't get me wrong. I've always been quite capable, and more than willing and able to handle my own affairs. I've always contributed in affairs at home, shopping, the kids, etc. But, I guess now I am going out of my way to make a point of it. Perhaps now my W sees that I'm essentially moving away from her and more toward "doing my own thing". That may scare her, or it may have simply jarred her into reality.<P>And, I AM ready to move on. Until late, I've been waiting until spring to tell her about my intentions to seek a separation. Waiting for her to commit to rebuilding our marriage has been painful. Waiting for her to break off from the other-sex friendships, and the OM, etc. She's been almost totally non-responsive. Counseling was a total waste of time since she was simply going through the motions. <P>Regina --<P>My W doesn't want physical contact right now either. When I touched her on the shoulder shortly after discovery, she said it "replused her". Touching, hugging, kissing -- it's almost all off limits. (We did kiss on V-Day night, though. Almost forgot what it was like!)<P>But, I've come to a mental state that I'm not going to get preoccupied with the lack of physical contact. I'm not going to waste away waiting for conversations. I've taken the approach that I'll have to get my emotional needs met elsewhere, in some other fashion. I'm ready to move on with my life. If she wants to be my partner, then she'll have to speak up!<P>All of a sudden, she's turned around. It's all dawning on her. She could lose me. It's no just the loss of the income provider, it's the loss of her husband!<BR>I'm convinced that my newfound (or re-found) independance and confidence is doing the trick.<P>--keystone

Keystone-<P>Sorry to be so late in replying, just now finding time to do a little catching up. Spent last nite replying to Arik's post.<P>Sounds like things might be looking up for you, I hope so. Isn't that how we as humans do in many aspects of life? You know... we aren't interested until it becomes a bit of a challenge?<P>The thrill of the chase thing or something. Anyway, I am really happy but will continue keeping you guys in our prayers.