In the last week my whole life has crumbled. Actually it has been a gradual happening over 2-3 months. Just before Christman my Husband met a woman on line who happend to live only 5 house down the road on the opposite side of the street. And just as conviently she has a daughter in my youngest daughters class. Well, to make a long story short, my children and my husband now adore this woman, who can afford to pay for gymnastics, fuel oil, food, has a brand new truck and cell phone. My husband has told me that he doesn't want me any more and demanded that I leave our home. I have no money and no where to go that I could take and keep my kids for any amount of time. He changed his attitude and moved in with his so called friend. He says he has special feelings for her, but that they are only friends. He has taken my children to her house and spent the night there on his nights off. He says that I deserted him at a very important time in his life. I do not feel that I ever deserted him, but if in his mind I did, it was purely unintentional. The pain, rejection, betrayal and heartache that he has inflicted upon me in the last 2-3 week was very intentional. I am so lost without him. I try to pretend to not let it hurt me, but I just can't keep it in sometimes. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to leave my home either. But if I don't then he will always be there. He can't seem to stand the sight of me. I just don't understand how a very devoted husband could so totally turn on his wife. I can't believe that he ever loved me. And I feel so foolish that after all that he has put me through trying to get me to leave, I would still take him back in a heartbeat. But unfortunately, I do not believe that will ever happen. I can't stand the pain. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't have any insurance, so I am having trouble getting some counseling and the HELP line was not helpful in the least.<BR>Any advice?

My heart goes out to you!!!! I am glad you did not leave your home, tho. There are folks here who can offer better advice than I, I'm still fairly new here. But, please know that you will be in my prayers tonight. <BR>You may need legal advice...can you call Legal Aid tomorrow?<P>Many folks on these boards have seen spouses "fall" for someone else and become a different person overnight. Not always, but often, the affair will fail of its own accord after months, giving a chance for reconciliation. You need to decide if you really do want the marriage, and if so, is it for the right reasons. If you do, there is a lot of info here on "plan A" your should read...Some of it is on the home page of this site under "what is plan A and Plan B". <P>My thoughts and prayers are with you tonite.<BR>Kathi

lost,<P>affairs are tough. I know how you must be feeling. The thing that will help you get through this right now is to concentrate on you, as hard as that will be. When a spouse gets involved in an affair, they do alot of things that don't make any sense. Don't make yourself crazy trying to figure out why your husband is doing what he is doing. Try to get some books and read about affairs. A good one to start with is "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahm Springs or "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Remeber that what you are feeling is normal for what you are going through. Eat, rest, sleep when you can and take care of you. Don't worry about your husband.<P>Be strong, you can get through this, most folks here have and you can too. Take things day by day and minuit by minuit.<P>Tim J

First of all let me say that one of the biggest fights you can have is with yourself. I kicked myself daily not understanding how I could love such a cruel and vindictive man. Stop hating yourself for loving him. It is one of those unexplainable things and you are like many of the others here that would reconsider and take back the spouse. You are not alone on that feeling.<P>You are so strong. You will make it. I am living proof. I thought nothing could ever be worse than when I found out about my H affair. I spiraled into a very severe depression and got myself so caught up in his lies that I saw no happiness.....no way out....I attempted suicide. I knew I didn't want to die....I just wanted to live...have my life back....but it seemed gone,dead. Well let me tell you.....it has really gone down hill from that point and I am still alive....smiling.....laughing....enjoying this "so-called" life. Some days are not always that great...but there are far more happy ones than sad ones. I take each day as it comes. I took baby steps at first. I could only handle "today" and couldn't get myself to think about tomorrow. Guess what!!!!!I can now think about tomorrow...next week....next month. It takes a while....seems like it will never come. I remember waking up every morning with that heavy feeling in my heart. Well one morning I woke up and it was gone. Months ago no one could have ever told me I could feel this way again. No, I am not 100%, but hot da*n I am getting closer. So will you.<BR>Nancy

Hello,<P>Me again. Well, things aren't any better, but I didn't wake up crying today. Although I did find out that my H has been intamit with his new friend this morning. We talked, and need to do more talking, but I think that he is regretting the things he has done. <P>Don't get me wrong. I don't trust him, or his motives. He knows that I am going to see a lawyer this morning. I don't want his change of heart to be because he is afraid of what I will do. And honestly he hasn't really had a change of heart, he is just realizing that his general reason for giving up on us was not what he thought. So he has to rethink things. <P>I'm not holding my breath, but, I can hope. I need to find myself. I need to feel worth something. <P>Thanks for the replies. I would type more but I have to leave soon and my hair is still wet. <P>Will keep you all updates.<BR>Thanks again.

Hi, there are too many M*** states for my to keep track of, is MI Michigan? One of my favorites, most lighthouses of any. Enough<BR>chit-chat.<P>Do not do anything rashly, think, think, and think again before you act. Whatever you do you will live with the rest of your life.<P>Everybody here knows what you are going through, most have felt the pain you are feeling. There are some success stories, but even the "failures" are successes in that the people who lived through them are stronger. <P>I am hoping to post my success here someday, maybe you will too.<P>Good luck, take care.<BR>

Welcome <B>lostinMI</B>...<P>Before I give you the post of a general welcome I would like to share a few thoughts with you... <P><B>DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE!<BR>DON'T LEAVE THE kIDS!</B><P>This is a <B>very</B> stressful time for you!<BR>You need to catch your breath and take an assessemnt. <P>Read all you can on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> through the suggested posts...<P><B>Now</B> for the post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>Additioanlly</B>...<BR>Do start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Do get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<P>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... <BR><B>I include in that getting a restraining order to have your H stop taking the kids overnight with OW</B>... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><B>This is not to START a divorce!</B><BR>But to let yourself find out in your state what is allowed to protect your children! The restraining order may not be given under all conditions... I got one that lasted about 6 months only... but I am still gald I got it!<P>Contacting an attorney is <B>NOT</B> a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A> if you do it to protect you and the kids!<P>I hope it doesn't come to this...<BR>If possible before you think of filing for divorce... think <B>separation</B> first!<P>Prayers for a thoughtful decision. <P>Jim

Hello<P>LostinMI again<P>Yes Mi is Michigan.<P>But to get right down to it, It is all over but the divorce now. I can't go on with this. My whole life has lost any meaning. My H has got my car, my children, their love, another woman. I just can't do this anymore. I am soooooooooooooo lost. I just can't understand what I did that was so bad that I had to lose everything that meant anything to me. <P>Until last night, I thought my H and I could work things out. He even acted like he was considering the possibility. But then I had to go pick up a friend and her ex and go to the bar. I only had 4 shots. Over a period of 3 hrs. But things got a little carried away and I felt uncomfortable so I called my H and he came and got me. But in the stupid state of mind that I am in, I walked right back to the bar, where the bartender told me that my friend had started beating on my H and he hit her back and her ex stepped in and then they all left together. She then ended up beating on her ex and they dropped her off down the road about 5 miles away. My H took her ex home and went back to his womens. While that was happening I called home and got a ride back home, when I got here my friend was already here and trashing my house. Needless to say, she got her *ss beat.<P>Now my H says everything that he was considering is off. He doesn't love me enough anymore to want to try. My children want to be at his new house constantly. They don't understand that I am the adult and that things aren't necessarily going to go their way. I cant sit and listen anymore to my children worring about being able to spend the night with Daddy at his new girlfriends house. <P>I am sooooo discouraged. I am ready to give it all up. The kids, him, my home, my everything. I just can't do it anymore. I hate everything that is happening, and I just can't stop it.<P>Talk again someday.

{{{{{{{{{lostinMI}}}}}}}}},<P>I'm sorry things are going so rough for you...<BR>Please don't give up hope!<P>One suggestion right off the bat...<B>NO MORE ALOCOHOL</B>!<BR>You will lose the kids over this!<BR>You will only hurt yourself with this!<P>I'm praying for you for a better day soon...<BR>...do contact the a lawyer the way I suggested earlier!<P> <P>Jim

Thank you for the quick reply.<P>I am no longer going to be drinking.<BR>I know that it doesn't solve anything, it just makes it worse. I didn't feel like drinking in the first place. I just couldn't set home alone anymore. It is so lonely here. He constantly has my kids, and when I do have them they are whining that they don't have anything to do.<P>I tell them they don't have to be playing all the time. But they have so much fun where their dad is that it shows me that I am not worth anything to them.<P>I can't live with this anymore. It is killing me.

lostinMI,<P>What is your H doing that is <B>SO MUCH FUN</B>?<P>I'm sure you can do something with them as well... miseums, parks, plays...<P>How old are your kids? How many?<P>Jim

My children are 9 and 13 both girls.<P>I have no money and no real urge to do -<P>ANYTHING!!!!<P>My daughter can't stand to see me cry. She doesn't understand I need to cry to heal. It just doesn't matter anymore. I really am lost in hopelessness. My house is full of people that don't want me here. I didn't invite them he did, then left. He says he will come home if I leave. I have no where to go with my kids. No body wants to see me or hear me when I am crying, but they won't leave and my kids can't leave soon enough.<P>At their dads friends house there is another kid to play with, they are always going out to eat. I am broke. I don't have a friend to buy me and my children. I don't want one either.