I don't know what i'm doing anymore. A friend of mine told me tonight that I have been emotionally abused. Do I really want things to work out?? I DON'T KNOW WHY!!<BR> <BR>When BrokenButNotCrushed posted to me he said he felt that my H was on the rebound when we got together. My H has said the same thing. I've got to realize the truth in this.<P>I am going to tell you what has happened to me since knowing my H. First he's an alcoholic. 2nd hes a gambler. He moved into MY house. It is now in his name also. We have a 2nd on the house for 45,000. We have at least another 20,000 in credit card debt. His car payment is 509, the other car is 356. He pays alimony to the x of 600.00 month. He lost his position where he was working because of this. He was a manager, now just sales. <P>I had ZERO debt when I met him, except for the house. ZERO ZERO ZERO. I don't see how he will be able to afford paying for anything anymore. Hes doing ok but.... I see no other way than to file bankruptcy, and I will have to suffer through that also. I will probably end up losing this house. I've been here since 94. He moved in, in 96. <P>Tonight we were supposed to go to a car show. He called didn't want to go. I said me and my d are going. He called back and said he was going to go out and have a few beers after work. Still says "I love you" when hanging up. Well I can imagine where he is now, at a bar no, at her house yes. <P>When he comes home (probably in the am), I'm going to tell him to pack his stuff and move out. I CANNOT continue to do this to my kids or myself. <P>I do love him. I thought he was the one. Love is NOT supposed to cause heartache like this. Am I co-dependant, YUP. Do I seak "thrill seekers" YUP. What happens to me?? I have trusted so.... many people, and because I am so.... naive/nice have gotten burned over and over again. <P>Well I am 36 years old, 37 in May, and I pray that I have learned SOMETHING. feel very lonely, very insecure (I used to feel on top of the world).<P>I've got to remember that hes done this before, he will do it again. WHY in the H*LL would I love someone like this. I feel shattered, my heart has been ripped out, and he keeps twisting it over and over by telling me he loves me. <P>What scares me is that if he came back and said I want to make this work I would say ok. I think of his x-wife, she did this for 20 years!!! The stories i've heard about her, well no wonder!!!<P>Thanks for letting me vent!!!!<P>t

t--<P>I can feel your hopelessness...keep venting, I know it helps somewhat. I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. I guess all I can say is that it WILL get better, and it's up to you to pick which path you will travel.<P>Have you consulted with a debt consolidation company? Explore every avenue before you decide on bankruptcy. Perhaps an appointment with an attorney (first consultation typically free) to see what options are available THAT way. You'd be best served by a bankruptcy/finance specialist.<P>We had to file bankruptcy. My Ex filed (ooooh, I was upset) which started a debt domino effect--who did those bill collectors come after then? Didn't matter that these things had been decided in our divorce settlement agreement. That, plus my H's prior divorce debts and HIS Ex running up our attorney bill with constant child custody issues. Still ongoing. We had so many issues our attorney(s)--note the plural--all finally agreed bankruptcy was the only option.<P>Non-legal standpoint, just grapevine AT the law firm where I work, but I don't think you'd lose your house if you both file bankruptcy. Ask an attorney for advice.<P>If you're at the juncture when you simply can't Plan A any more...maybe it IS time to consider Plan B. I think of Plan B as more for your personal emotional protection--when pleasant, argument-free time together is no longer possible under the circumstances.<P>Maybe you should hold off for a bit. Do some finance homework on your own, with debt consolidation and attorneys. Then schedule a talk with your H. A calm, as non-threatening as possible talk about ALL of your options. Really listen to his responses to your concerns. Try to accept what he says--hopefully your attitude will open HIM up and you'll be able to get to the bottom of the whole situation. Tell him things, for you, just can't continue this way, and obviously, if he's having an affair, he has unhappy issues of his own. Ask him for his input: will you work out all the issues, together? or separately? What DOES he want...and tell him what you want. <P>And btw, if you ask him to leave this morning, you can still schedule such a talk. Nothing is written in concrete at this point. But I will say...if you have strong feelings of wishing to work things out in order to stay together, you may want to stay in at least a modified Plan A for awhile longer. If/when you force him out the door there's a VERY strong chance it will push him into the arms of the OW even tighter. <P>Consider carefully. Let us know how you're doing. Warm, WARM thoughts coming your way!

I think most folks who are willing to go through all the heartache of plan A, then B, etc. are those who believe their h was a good man and is acting totally out of character.<P>In your profile you mention that you began a relationship when he was married, in other words an affair. I have known people and heard story after story like this. Are you so surprised he would cheat on you too?<P>I don't mean to be harsh, only to make you think. There are no guarantees in recovery, though there are some stunning successes. But all you said about him, sounds like he is very irresponsible, hardly the person to bring up your children.<P>You are right, it is not your problem that he is the way he is. I had to decide I wanted this marriage for ME. Not just 'cause I'm already in it or for the kids. I looked back at the wonderful man he was, and realized if we both started living by Harley's plan we had hope of constructing something wonderful. <P>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited March 12, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited March 12, 2000).]