Hi Just_me's husband,<P>I wanted to start a new thread and address it to your attention. Just in case you didn't get back to the other thread. Maybe I am up for a discussion or debate? Hard to say? <P>I will be looking forward to your reply.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>just_me<BR>Junior Member posted March 28, 2000 07:38 PM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Ok let me give this a try. First let me say that this is the husband of just_me. <BR>1: Im not sure anyone can say they think that another person realy knows how they feel.<BR>2: Again I dont think anyone can descibe how they feel, especially when it comes to love. Some people can never tell when they are and arnt in love. Thats why many people say they love but arnt in love.....what is that<BR>3:I believe that one can understand the pain of giving up the OP but surely could not feel it with us. I dont think we can expect them to feel it with us.<BR>4:I dont think it is a case of us not thinking they can handle it but more not wanting to put them in the pain of it all.<BR>5:details suck. why do we as people insist on having the details? Details will only do two things. First it will make him re-live the whole thing and is that what you really want? Second it will plant the pictures in your mind that will never go away. For you to have details will not help you get past any of this. I have found myself on both sides of the coin and I am telling you that the details dont help.<BR>6:This one I am not sure on. I am in the early stage of recovery myself and I have not yet gotten past all of this. He will have those feelings now and then but I dont think it is something to worry about. Im not sure if he should be left to deal with it on his own or if you should try to help him with it.<BR>7: yes yes yes. I cant tell you how important it is to let it go. Again dont make him re-live it over and over. This is what I ask of you, Do you forgive him for what he did? if you did then answer this other question. If you asked god to forgive you for something you did would you expect to have to continue to explain it over and over to him? or would you expect him to forgive you and never think of it again? The reason I say this is because you truly have to forgive if you want to move on. this is for both you and him. We always say how it is one thing to forgive and another to forget, wrong! If we truly forgive then we can forget. When I was on the other side of the coin I loved the person that would become my wife and I wanted to forgive her. It wasnt tell about seven years of everyday pain that I realized that I had truly forgiven her. I told myself that day that I did forgive her and I would never think of it again. I have not had the feeling of my heart being torn out of my chest since that day. My wife just told me how you forget in time. Its like I just told her. to forgive is to forget, no ifs ands or buts about it. when god forgives, he forgets. the slate is clean at that time and you have to do the same. Sorry so much on this but I am trying to save you the seven years of pain I had before I realized what I was doing wrong. What I did to myself was much worst then what my wife had done to me. dont do it to yourself like I did. I know its hard to understand but one day you will.<BR>8: same as 7<BR>9: same as 7<BR>10: I think he is simply trying to put it behind him and in that case I point back to 7 yet again.<BR>11: ok know this one I am much like your husband as to how I feel. It isnt just in this matter but in all things. counseling can only help the one who wants it. if it is forced on him it will only push him forther into himself. I dont think anyone can tell me what I am or was thinking at anytime. I think that talking about things can help but only when you reach the point that you can let it out. my wife and I went from month to month with me leaving and coming home again and again. nothing could have changed that. I needed the time and the experience that I had this last time to make me see clear. At that time the blinders had been removed from my eyes and I could then start to fix things in my life with my wife.<BR>12: ok at first glance I find this one funny. I can see what you are looking for in this though. One learns from what they see, but I wouldnt search much further than the ones that raise us.<BR>I hope some of this helps and I hope you look back at number 7 <BR> <P>A blessed Samantha<BR>Member posted March 28, 2000 08:49 PM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Just-me's husband<BR>I don't have a lot of time to reply as usual. I was truly surprised to see this thread resurrected. I thought it had died with pretty much little interest a few weeks ago.<P>The dynamics of our relationship here are unique as all of ours are. The basic fact is that Husband still is in love with OW after over a year past discovery. His blinders have not been removed and I don't think at this point they ever will be. Maybe they aren't blinders at all? Maybe she is/was the love of his life? Needless to say I am confused on this one today.<P>He wants to bury this all and just move on. I don't know if you understand what I am trying to say but, you can't bury an open would. It will merely heal over on top and fester inside. Then in will turn possibly into gangrene and spread to the bloodstream. Without proper medical attention the person (here the relationship) will die. That infection will eventually hit the heart. <P>I may have to live with how he feels for the rest of my life. That appears to be an extreme possibility. Am I willing to do this? My heart is willing but, I am not sure years of this will keep my heart in the place it is now.<P>In reference to number 7. Everything you say about God is right on the money. He does forgive with true repentance and never remembers the offense again. <P>True repentance is one of the keys here. Hubby is not truly repentant. He is sorry that is true. He believes however that the affair and his choice to have one is 99 & 9/10% my fault. That the demise of the marriage is my fault nearly solely. That is not true repentance. He is sorry he hurt me but, he feels entirely justified in what happened.<P>I must add here too that the secret friendship (When she reacquainted herself to him. They knew of each other in high school. They did not know one another but of one another. They said hello in the halls. She had a crush on him then and evidently continued to harbor that crush for some 20 years later.) he never came home and told me he had run into and old friend/aquantance from school. This is very unlike my husband. <P>The full blown affair went on for the last year and a half if not a little longer before discovery.<P>Now back to the rest of your point in number 7. I am not God. I strive to be more Christlike everyday. I will never reach the goal of being Christlike nor will any other human being here on earth. <P>Also God has this remarkable ability to forgive and forget because he is God. He has infinite wisdom. He knows all and sees all. He understand even the most minuet detail of every thing conceivable and those we can't even conceive. I could never be like God even if I wanted to be. I am human and don't have the capacity that he does. Even with the wonderful gifts he has given me.<P>He knows what I am thinking, what my husband is thinking and feeling. He knows it all. He does not need questions answered because he already knows the answers without having to ask. I on the other hand do not know what my husband is thinking or feeling.<P>So please don't bring God and his forgiving and forgetting into this. The analogy falls way short.<P>Yes, I have forgiven my husband. Until she is no longer in his heart and mind, I won't be able to forget. Until he truly forgets how can any betrayer ask the wounded spouse to forget?<P>I probably have fallen short in explaining all my thoughts here. Hopefully you will get the just of it though.<P>I am looking forward to you response.<P>Until then have a great night/day, which ever applies. Oh yeah, thanks for responding to my thread. That was very kind of you. I really appreciate your reply even if our opinions differ.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <BR> <P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>