My wife and I have been married 4 years. We have a 3 year old son who is extremely important to us both. We married because she was pregnant. I never felt that I truly loved her, though she did truly love me. She has been, up until 2 months ago, the perfect wife and mother. I had no complaints. I on the other hand, was quite imperfect. Even though I never abused physically, I expressed the fact that I felt trapped in the marriage by always making her feel less important to me than she should have been. I rarely made time for her, treated intimacy like a joke, and demanded sex whenever I wanted it, giving her hell if I didn't get it. I was a good father, but that's probably it on the positive side for me. Anyway, 2 months ago, she'd had enough. She couldn't leave me though, so she initiated an affair with a guy at work. The affair, for the most part, was made up of secret meetings made up predominately of talking. The whole affair lasted a month. One week before I found out, they kissed passionately for the first time. There had been two peck kisses on the lips in the week prior to that, and hugs and kisses on the cheeks in the weeks prior to that. The passionate kisses came after she and I had had a huge fight, and I told her I couldn't live without her, and would die if she divorced me. She said she felt trapped, feeling like she could never leave what she thought was, on part, a loveless marriage.<BR>A week later, someone (nobody knows who) left me an anonymous typed letter which said she was leaving me for this guy. She swears she never talked about this with anyone, and that she never spoke about leaving me, so I'm still unsure who left the note, and how much more about it they know. But anyway. The night I found out, I confronted her. I was very upset. I told her to leave. She did, and then called from a payphone, asking me if I wanted her to come home. I did, but in the meantime, I had found a poem she'd written him which hinted at a desire to become physical (at this point she had lied and said there had been no physical contact). So, I told her no, don't come home. . .we are done. She claims she felt horrible, and couldn't be alone, so she went and picked him up. They talked for awhile, and then became more intimate than they had been. They kissed, she rubbed his penis over his pants, then climbed astride him in my car, where they made out, and he sucked on one of her breasts. She claims she never wanted a physical relationship with him, that she had needed emotional help, and had gone to him, and that she got intimate that night purely because she thought she and I were done, and she felt like she'd never even have to tell me about this, because we were done. She also, and this is a real problem for me, had a miscarriage that day. So, not only was she pregnant (in the early stages) when she was carrying on with him, but she also says her hormones were extremely messed up on the night she and he did their last big thing. I'd like a woman's perspective on that. . .I'm not sure how much credit to give it.<P>Ok, there's the story. In the aftermath, I've admitted my faults. I've admitted that I was a poor husband. What's more, she has done everything to get me to give her another chance. She's begged me to stay, told me it was her unrequited love for me that drove her to this. She's told me she can't see what she saw in him (and I believe that, he's a grade A loser), and that she regrets everything. But here's my problem: I can't go anywhere in this town, or be in my car, or look at her, or do . . .anything, without picturing the two of them together. It's been 3 weeks now, and to be honest, I'm not feeling better AT ALL. I know I love her, and I know that I've been taking her for granted. And for once in our marriage, she actually believes me, saying the fact that I didn't leave proves to her that the love I professed to her in word for 4 years is now actually true. But in spite of that love, I can't seem to feel ANY better. Every day all I do is think about things, and ask question after question concerning the smallest details of the relationship. And doing that just makes me feel worse, but I can't help it. What I need is some sort of time-frame for healing. Am I going to feel like this indefinitely? Because if I am, despite the fact that I don't want a divorce at all, and neither does she. . .I will get one. What can I do to stop obsessing? To stop the almost unconscious rebuffs of her almost constant displays of affection and kindness towards me? I'm nearing the end of my rope.<P>Please help.<BR>

Hi there,<P>first thing is, you cannot make a good decision in the midst of this mess. emotions are riding too high. <P>unfortunelty, i am the betrayer, so I may not be much help here.<P>Although, i do have experience in the "pregnant with no love' situation. <BR>When a woman is pregnant everything seems emotionally crazy. Everything seems out of whack, but, the reason for getting together with him probably had nothing to do with actual pregnancy. it had to do with you. <P>Unfortunelty, when emotional needs are not met and you look else where for these needs, physical relationships happen. Even if you never intended for that to happen, it is like a natural ending to such intense feelings. <P>When did you decide that you loved her? before or after her admission? It may not really matter, but after this all simmers down, feelings again may change.<P>Have you read any of the MB stuff? Read posts here, there is so much support here. I am sorry you are here, but glad you found us.<P>In my humble opinion, she was at the end of her rope. Tired of feeling unloved, uncared for, tired of being taken for granted and she reached out to anyone who would listen and comfort. Give her a chance to get toknow you, the lover, giver, husband, father she needs right now. It will take time for the images to fade, but time will heal. If neither of you want a divorce, work on the relationship, as she gets to know you, the good man, she will learn to trust and respect you, and in turn you will do the same. <P>Imagine if she had done to you what you did to her? How would you feel? Alone, unloved, taken for granted? Take in to consideration what she has been through to walk out that door. Besides, there is a little boy who NEEDS BOTH HIS PARENTS. Loving parents.<P>I know that by the time i finally walked into the arms of another man, in my mind, my marriage was over. There was a man to hold me, talk to me, he made me feel special, he made me feel like I was someone. My H didn't. I was taken for granted, what should have been given in love and trust and respect was taken, i was made to feel unjust to live. The OM, was there. As a matter of fact I didn't realize how far i had fallen until it was too late.<P>Time heals, God heals, <BR>Time, Love, Patience, commitment, is what i was told. <P>Mercy

Welcome <B>ActusReus</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>You...my friend... are in a very enviable position...<P>First of all...<BR>... you have much of the guilt that a wayward would normally feel...<BR>...that's not uncommon...<BR>...you've even admited your faults...<P>What you haven't done is learned about forgiveness...<BR>Check out ===> <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A> and <A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A>.<P>Until you can forgive yourself <B>and</B> your wife...<BR>...you will have these feeling last a long time...<P>I'd suggest you seek out a "good" counselor...<BR>...this can be a <B>very</B> hard thing to do... since so many counselors are so "poor" in addressing your needs...<P>If you are a Christian... check out ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001889.html" TARGET=_blank>Christian Counseling</A>... and see a minister<P>If you are Catholic... see a priest...<BR>...consider the sacrament of reconciliation...<P>If you are neither...<BR>...search out your faith values...<BR>...and realize... maybe it's time for your 3 year old son to learn how dad is going to handle <I>forgiveness</I>... so your son will have the best example in the world... for a father... and the husband of his mother!<P>Being a faithful spouse(FS) is quite often harder in the beginning than being a wayward spouse(WS)... those difficulties may change if you head toward recovery... and your job will still be a hard one.<P>Is it worth it...<BR>...count the names of people who are trying to rebuild here...<BR>...and realize (by many estimates) there are 10-20 times as many people who come to MB and lurk... but never post!<P>Yes... it is worth it... and so much more...<P>You are not alone in your situation...<BR>You are not alone in your feelings...<P>Stay here... post... ask... and read!<P>Start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<P> <P>Jim

I am so sorry to hear your pain. I know it hurts. My H had an affair with a younger woman who was a mutual friend and a coworker while I was pregnant and while my son was very young. I found out about the affair in January, but there are still days when it seems like it was just yesterday.<P>I, like you, could not get the picture of the two of them out of my mind. To make matters worse (everyone has something to make matters worse) the OW (Other Woman) was renting my old condo from me. I kept thinking about It in My Home. I couldn't stop thinking about the two of them.<P>Three weeks is not a huge amount of time, though I'm betting your W doesn't want to rehash the details any more (my H got frustrated with my obsession with the affair long before I did).<P>Time will help, but you also have to do some work to get this out of your mind. Next time you start to think of your wife and OM, stop yourself and consciously try to think of something good in your lives together. Think of a trip together, or something your little boy has done--anything that gives you happy thoughts about your W. It won't be easy--the first few times you will think I'm nuts for even suggesting this.<P>It is really hard to get over this. And it is really hard to realize what might have let your spouse justify to him/herself that the affair was okay. (I've had a real tough time looking myself in the eye at times.) <P>But you can confront the problems in your marriage and make it work. You already have one big advantage--your wife wants to come back. If you both want to, you can make your marriage better than before.<P>Best wishes to you. Hang in there! --HBC