I have recently bought a book (in addition to SAA) called "After an affair" (Janis Abrahms Spring). The first 105 pages are very good at describing the way the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse thinks (author is psychologist) after an affair has started. For example:<P>- How perceptual distortion takes place when you fall in love where you idealize the other person assigning to that person more positive attributes than a person can actually possess to that. At the same time the betrayed spouse is painted in equally distorted but negative terms.<P>- How the body of a wayward spouse in love is going through chemical changes producing aphetamine-like chemicals and endorphins that affects your body and decisions.<P>Other favourites from these first 105 pages is the list of unrealistic expectations the wayward spouse has which can be the reason for an affair. E.g:<P>- "I shouldn't have to work for love."<P>- "Love is a feeling that can't be forced or manufactured. It either exist or it doesn't" (My favourite since this is alomst exactly what my wife said when I introduced her to Harley).<P>My problem is that I don't know if it will be a Love buster to ask her to read these pages?<P>Status: She seems to have decided to leave me and has started to live with her parents more or less permanently now. It seems to be difficult to turn her around now, but she's obviously having problems doing this since she's going about it quite slow. She seems to be going through withdrawal from me since she has been cold and distant for some time. It's also quite difficult to PLAN A under these circumstances.<P>Any ideas appreciated!

scandinavian,<P>In general "educating your spouse" is usually a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>... because it is a form of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>.<P>If you can get someone else...<BR>...a friend ...a family member she trusts... to make the suggestion... it is better!<P>If your not sure it's a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>... it probably is.<P>Are long distance <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>s hard... you bet.<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

If she's not ASKING for information, like Jim said, it's most likely a lb!! With Robert, I couldn't talk about us, marriage, nothing. Forget asking him to READ anything!<P>And a long distance Plan A IS hard, but NOT impossible. I did it, with VERY limited contact, heck, not even having an address or phone # for Robert for a while.<P>But, like I said, it IS possible. And has more of an affect that it appears at the time. After months of living apart (he lived w/ PT), we're recovering nicely.<P>Good luck.<P>Lori