I don't know what's wrong with me. I have the most wonderful wife in the world, and a beautiful baby boy, and yet I still let myself get caught up in the sordid game if internet "relationships."<P>How's that for an introduction?<P>I've done it all, and I feel like I'm in a pit that I can't climb out. From the beginning, my wife is my best friend, and the one person who I most admire. Yet, I find it so easy to chat and flirt online and on the phone. It's as if there's some sort of affirmation that I receive from some person I don't know, and in all likelihood will never meet, giving me their phone number and flirting back. It fulfills some need that I have, I suppose. As does the phone sex and the lurid email.<P>But I DON'T WANT IT TO! The only thing I can think of when I am at work is coming home to my wife and son. But it's so easy to respond to those emails and chat requests. <P>Last night my wife found a series of messages on my ICQ acount and was hurt beyond belief. It's not the first time. It's probably the third or fourth. And each time I swear that I'll never do it again. And each time I mean it. And each time I fall back into the same pattern.<P>I was relieved, thankful, that she found them, can you imagine that? It was like she had cauterized the wound that I was too weak to heal.<P>I don't want any of the people I chat with - I just want the "fix" I get when I am wanted. And I want to stop wanting that. All I want to be is a good husband and father.<P>Help.<P>WTI

WTI,<P>You are in danger of LOSING your W and son that you seem to care so much about. Try to truly see this through your W's eyes. <P>1. The chats and emails are the equivalent of infidelity - you are being emotionally unfaithful. <I>This is electronic adultery.</I><P>2. But worse than #1 is the lying. You are proving to her that she cannot trust you. She probably is unsure now if ANYTHING you say is true.<P>Your behavior is eating away at the very foundation of your relationship.<P>IMO the only way to repair extraordinary damage is with extraordinary efforts. If you are serious about saving your marriage, you must be prepared to do whatever it takes (no matter how painful or embarrassing). <P>Volunteer for counseling - don't wait to be asked. Cancel your internet connection, or at least volunteer to have your wife put filtering and monitoring software on your PC. Taking the lead in dealing with your problem will go a long way toward demonstrating your sincerity and contrition. That MAY be enough to convince your W to give you another chance.<P>Be prepared to be totally accountable. Don't wait for her to ask you. Tell her regularly if you have been "clean" and admit if you fail.<P>You are wise to recognize the severity of your situation. I hope you will be able to overcome this. Spend some time reading posts here and try to take in the emotional damage infidelity causes. And don't make the mistake of thinking that your case is different because you never met these women - that you were not unfaithful because there was no real sex. In your W's eyes the damage is VERY real.<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

My 2c worth. If you haven't yet, you need to go look at <A HREF="http://www.netaddiction.com." TARGET=_blank>www.netaddiction.com.</A> Those folks helped me through some tough times with my wife's net addiction. Believe me you need to accept the fact that you have a problem and get some professional help. You are walking a very very thin line with this net stuff. You sound like you want to get caught. If you do step over that line, for whatever your reasons, the pain you will feel and the pain you will give to those innocent people in your life will be intense. And trust me you will regret it for the rest of you life. Get some help NOW.<BR>

Get your wife involved in this too. <P>You both probably can come up with alot of ideas for shaving the opportunities to flirt online.<P>It's going to mean being accountable for every moment of your time. <P>Some ideas to get you started. (Because I'm one of those betrayed by spouse flirting online with OW types, so I have tons of them.)<P>1. Go online only with your wife. Make sure she is right there with you.<P>2. Change your ISP to AOL or some other ISP that will record when you have been online.<P>3. Get a keylogger program that will monitor what you are saying.<P>4. Buy a filter that will filter out chat and porno sites. (these aren't perfect, but they will get a large majority of them.)<P>Spend at least 15 hours interactively with your wife only. (no TV, somewhere open for alot of conversation and few distractions.) This is happening because you are longing for something that your wife can and wants to provide. Spend those 15 hours concentrating on the big 4 needs...recreation, conversation, sexual fulfillment, affection. Chances are you will hit both of each other's main needs.<P>Well that's enough. Think of others...Get your wife to think of some too. You can do this.

First, 2sad4words has it nailed. You are at risk of losing the thing most precious to you. Get help and get it now. Confess everything to your wife. In your case, total complete honesty is necessary. From what you posted I think there must be alot of love between you two. Show her how much you need her, ask for her help in kicking this addiction. Which is what it is. Let her see how much you value her and she will see you in a different light. Does she know of this powerful need for admiration and affirmation. My husband didn't tell me about his needs, after a year of unhappiness, we separated for a month, now he is home again with me and our 1 yr. old son. He also has a strong need for admiration and affection and it led to him having female friends, supposedly not sexual, but it really hurt me that he called them and talked to them about our marriage. He realized while he was gone that he had everything he wanted and needed at home. We are really trying to rebuild our marriage. Don't let yours get to this point. If my husband had come to me with a problem like yours I would not reject him. I would try to help fulfill that need, like I am doing now. I would see his strength and love for me. I think your wife would do the same. DO NOT BLOW IT. I think you are at a good place with acknowledging your problem, but you have to do something about it. Just a note- my sister and best friend are divorcing right now due to their husband's internet relationships. It is very serious. It destroys lives and marriages and think what this would do to your child. I will pray for you and your family. If you lost your wife, I am willing to bet you would also lose your interest in this internet-e-mail thing. Be honest, ask for her help, tell her how much you love her. <P>Cindy

WorkingThroughIt:<P>These suggestions are all very good; although I have a logical issue of treating internet addiction by logging onto <A HREF="http://www.netaddiction.com" TARGET=_blank>netaddiction</A> <P>I would strongly urge you to give Steve Harley a call here at MarriageBuilders (888-639-1639). I think that you would benefit from some (brief) marriagecounseling, and I think Steve is terrific.<P>I'd strongly suggest that you give up the computer, completely. No internet. No email. Nothing. I believe that people used to survive OK without this tool---you'll be fine.<P>But before you throw the computer away, take some time to read everything on this site: the concepts, the Q&A's, the articles, "food for thought". Get familiar with this material, and see if it makes sense. If it does, please follow up on my suggestion of counseling with Steve; he'll get you pointed in the right direction. And now is a great time: you're in good shape to quickly build your marriage to where you want it. Most of us here have had to deal with the situation at a much more advanced state, and if you let this go, it's going to get harder.

I have an idea! Why don't you and your wife look at this website-mb together. I think that would really help you both and you can still have fun on the computer, but together. I'm sure in your job you cannot give up the computer completely. But you can still use it in a beneficial way not one detrimental to your marriage. Also it seems from your post that your wife hasn't really expressed to you how this has affected her. I know you know that she is hurt, but it must go alot deeper than that. REALLY talk to her. It seems as though this started as a result of unmet needs. You both need to express those needs to another, and work on meeting them. I can guarantee you this, your wife is deeply troubled by this, it has probably affected her self-esteem, her value as a woman-your wife- and her feelings of love for you and don't forget trust-which is oh so important, believe me. I was affected that same way. <P>OK, here is a boost for your ego. I, someone you don't even know, am very proud of you for realizing and admitting your problem. You are on your way to recovery. It takes a strong man to admit his weakness and faults. There is a place here for internet infidelity, read it. You will soon find that the people you talk and e-mail with are not real- your wife and son are real. Please let her know how much you need admiration, flirting etc. I know from experience that a baby can take alot of time from his mother. You may feel a little left out. Seek every possible solution to overcoming this addiction. No one can love you and fill this need for affirmation any better than your wife. She loves you and needs you. Seek help from every possible avenue, christian counseling or visit your pastor if you go to church. I think the most important thing is you do everything with your wife. Don't leave her out of this, and don't try to solve it on your own. I wish you happiness and peace and a successful marriage. May God bless you and your wife and child. <P>All the best for you and yours.<P>Cindy

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 12:38 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hi workingthroughit.<P>Iam so glad that you found this site and are posting.I dont know if you have posted before but welcome.You will find alot of support and advice.<P>Iam the betrayed of a internet affair and porn addiction. This has effected my marriage and hurt myself,and my children. my purpose in telling you that is to let you know how serious this addiction is.<P>WE are here for you.keep posting. my prayers to you.bethn

I've been reading your replies over and over, and calling my wife every few minutes. While I can't give up the computer due to the nature of my business, I have taken heart from your responses. I *WILL* beat this thing!!!<P>The only real people are my wife and son, as you've all pointed out. I have a problem, and once recognized, problems can be fixed. So, I'm going to close this unhappy chapter. From now on, my wife gets to see whatever she wants to see, and there will be nothing there that shouldn't be there.<P>I'm going to make special efforts to show her that she is the one and only in my life. <P>And I'm not going to give up ICQ - but the only one I'm going to chat with is my wife!!!!<P>And I'm not going to give up cyber-sex - but the only one I'm going to have cyber-sex with is my wife!<P>And I'm not going to give up phone-sex - but the only one I'm going to have phone sex with is my wife!<P>And when I have a passionate affair with a mysterious, sexy woman . . .you guessed it, my wife is going to be that woman.<P>Thank you all so much for helping me realize and vocalize that everything I want and need are at home!!!<P>WTI

I just checked out the net addiction site. It has some very useful information specific to all kinds of net addiction. The only thing I didn't like about it was that it was a bit salesy. If you've got the money to spend on their books it might be worth checking out. There's not alot of specific info posted directly there. (A drawback, and that's why I like this site. It has usable info that you don't have to pay for. A little bit of a soapbox, but that's what the internet was originally designed for to begin with. To be a source of information not a sales platform. Ahhhh capitalism.) It also has a forum. (Which I found kind of funny because there was a reporter over there looking for a recovered net addict. Part of the recovery process is to limit if not eliminate net use. Guess she'll be waiting awhile. ) <P>Anyway, my humble opinion.

WTI,<P>Great!! That is <B>exactly</B> the kind of resolve you need to solve this problem. <P>Accountability is key - keep it all above board. I'm sure your wife will also take heart from your resolve and give you the benefit of the doubt. Now you just have to earn trust back by being consistent. Don't expect to earn it back right away just because your intentions are good. Give her time.<P>Good luck. Keep us informed. <P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

I admire your courage, Working. I hope my H can do what you want to do.<P>It won't be easy for either you or your wife. I know she is hurting. You have resolve, but have you come up with a plan?<P>What does your wife want? After 3 or 4 discoveries, how does she feel? How will you keep from hiding things from her again, and how will she know? How will you prove to her that she wants to be married to you?<P>I don't say these things to hurt you, Working. I just want you to think of what you're going to do. In my personal experience, I have found that actions speak louder than words. You have a great start of seeing a problem and knowing you want to fix it, but you need to think about what you can do to make this fix "take." <P>Good luck to you, Working. I'm pulling for you. --HBC

I didn't want this one to slip off the first page. (I re-read my response and found it rather gruff. Here's my attempt at a re-write...)<P>In light of things that have recently happened in my life, I'm really interested in this topic.<P>I'd really like to know what your plan is. I'm trying to understand my husband and help my marriage.<P>Thanks.--HBC<p>[This message has been edited by HurtButCoping (edited April 30, 2000).]

Dr Kimberly Young of the net addicition website did what she did for me and my wife without charge. And for the last two years she has seen fit to stay in touch with me. Makes me think that maybe just maybe her motive isn't entirely money.<BR>Take a look, it doesn't cost anything to look at the site.

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>