I guess I just want to know some opinions. This may tend to lean toward "once a cheater, always a cheater." This last affair I found out about only opened up memories where I realized, "hey, I've seen this behavior before" - and then found evidence that he'd been fooling around from the beginning of our marriage (probably even before when we were living together).<P>My question: if this is his style of normal operation, is there any chance in hell that a marriage can be saved with a man (or woman) like that? He tried really hard after discovery to cover it back up and convince me it was over and that things were back to normal again around here (which they weren't and I knew it). He wanted to continue with the legitimate family part of his life and still have the dangerous other life on the side also.<P>I've come to the conclusion that someone like this (who never showed an ounce of remorse) is just not going to stop. Is it true that people with sex addictions (I guess that would be the word for his behavior) will not change. Isn't that why they make pedifiles register in communities now?<P>He's become a middle-aged joke. He met us at my son's baseball game the other night, with his IBM shirt on (his old flame happens to work for IBM in Texas now, and even tho he's always hated IBM - he now thinks it's the best thing, dah!). He was dripping in some awful stenching cologne, like he's this old guy out hot for the babes now. I really feel sorry for him. He's become the kind of guy who, when I was in my early twenties, I thought were gross when they actually had the audacity to hit on me and thought they actually had a chance!! This is what my balding middle-aged husband has become (nothing against balding men, it never bothered me and I loved him anyway, but as a younger woman those guys made me sick).<P>I guess I'm pretty set on the fact that the D train isn't stopping - but has anyone had a spouse like this that actually came back to reality?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by weirded out:<BR><B> Is it true that people with sex addictions (I guess that would be the word for his behavior) will not change. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Personally I am not buying into that whole "sexual addiction" stuff. I think it is a bad coping strategy that people use to cover up their lack of self-control, inability to face adversity, poor communication skills, low self image, and a host of other flaws. Strong, self assured people just don't do this. They consider the consequences, other people's feelings, and finish their business with the first relationship so they can have something honest and real in the next. Yes, people get weak and it can happen to anybody, but I think learning to see those urges for the underlying things that they are helps to discourage that choice as a way out. <P>But you asked can a person change? According to "Men Who Can't Be Faithful" By Carol Botwin, in order to change, a man must:<P>* place a value on the relationship and be committed to it<P>* feel that there are things you share that bond you together as people besides legal and financial things or obligation<P>* be willing to change<P>* value monogamy even if he hasn't always practiced it<P>* be willing to see things from another perspective<P>* be capable of admitting he is wrong<P>* be willing to listen<P>* be willing to self examine<P>* be willing to communicate or learn to communicate<P>* not be a chronic liar<P>* be willing to see that the infidelity may be the result of a mutual problem<P>* be willing to give up his lovers<P>* be willing to pass up immediate gratification for long term goals<P>* be willing to work on the relationship<P>* be willing to give up control<P>* be willing to allow you to change<P>* be willing to give up drugs or alcohol if they contribute to the problem<P>Personally, I think that infidelity isn't the problem, but a symptom of the problem. If you can successful tackle your issues, it won't be a problem any more. Maybe I am optimistic?

Thank you, Popeye, for your insight and wisdom and for sharing this list by Botwin. I, for one, am printing this one up.<P>catnip =^^=

Wow! What a great analysis. I think you've hit a lot of things right on. He does have an incredibly low self image and terrible communication skills (I guess maybe it takes two on that one, huh). It's just hard to realize that half of my life was a lie - I was one of those people who before October would have sworn my H NEVER EVER cheated, he was a true blue boyscout. All my friends and relatives would have thought the same thing. Only to find out he did, from the very beginning of our marriage, CONSTANTLY throughout, and was a very good liar for 14 years - and seems to only want to continue on with it now. He has no remorse. I'm so sad, for us both and for our children.