This has a long history. If you don’t have time to read it all jump the last two paragraphs. <P>We have been married for 4 years. We have three kids age’s 2,3 and 5. My wife is a stay at home Mom at the age of 25. I am a computer programmer at the age of 25 also. <P>Things have not been right for a long time. I noticed problems early in 1999. We have never been able to talk about these problems, at least not then. So what ever the problems were and still they have not been talked about. <P>Infidelity started about mid year in 1999. I noticed my wife spending a lot of recreational time with her girl friend. They would go to clubs and on several occasions she came home with no ring on her finger. I lots of business cards in her pockets when I checked. After one such occasion she came home with no ring and on the next day she had to tell me she lost it. Every time I found these clues, when I asked her about it she denied any wrong doing and accused me of not trusting her. <P>I did not trust her at all nor did I believe her stories but I did not know what to do about it. I moved my office into our home so I could watch her. In November, a few weeks from Thanksgiving I was ease dropping on the phone while I was suppose to be working. I caught her talking to a guy that she had met the night before at a club. They talked about dancing together and kissing. I was floored and upset that I have heard for myself. I left that night out of anger. When I came home she said she wanted divorce. <P>This divorce theme went on for a few weeks as we planned how we would break it to our family. Each time we talked about it I would be so upset I could not help crying. I kept asking her to stay and let us work on the problem. She was not willing. She admitted it was not me, nothing I did. She said it was something missing from her and she was very confused. One day she broke down as a result from me being so upset. She agreed to try but made no promises. We went to counseling for three weeks and canceled the fourth appointment when she again made up he mind to divorce. The divorce never materialized because she was a stay at home Mom with no job skills, no money, no drivers license, basically she had no means to live on her own.<P>She pretended to be ok, but earlier this year she began spending more recreational time at her girl friends house. She would stay there for days often for three days or more during the week. When she would come home she would talk to her friend in private and/or speaking in code. Kept asking things like ‘Has anyone came over’, ‘Did you talk to your neighbor today’, and sometimes she would slip and ask ‘Has he called today’. These were all clues to me and when I would ask about them she denied any wrong doing and again attacked me for accusing such things of her. Even though she denied it I knew there was serious trouble in our marriage. When I tried to talk to her to find out what was wrong at home she would close up and not talk to me. At this point I felt like divorce was the only solution. Before I would make that step I had to have proof for myself that she was really having an affair so I place a recording device on our phone line. In no time at all I had plenty of proof that she had a complete relationship with a neighbor of her friend. She talked about how she loved him and even talked about some of there intimate moments. I still could not come to terms with divorce and I felt that I would rather commit suicide, and I was not far from that. Then something happen, the lover was also involved with a pregnant girl friend. When that baby was born my wife relationship had sort of a natural break up. I felt like this was my chance. I worked very had to win her love back. I wrote poems, bought gifts, cards and flowers. I did the house work and could never tell her no to anything she asked. All of this was wasted, she would take my poems and leave them on the floor for the kids to color on. The flowers and cards went unmentioned. When ever I tried to talk about our problems she would still close up. One day she was spending time over there and on her second day she mentioned seeing her lover. I don’t know in what capacity it was in but I was still resentful. I called her up and I told her I knew about the affair. She still denied it. Later that day when went to pick her up at the regular time she asked why I thought she had an affair. I told her I was ease dropping. She did not deny it anymore, but she still closed up when I tried to talk about our problems. About this time Barb was placed on Prozac after speaking to her doctor. We blamed her depression for her actions and we all tried to go on with our life.<P>So things have been stale. We are in finical trouble because I was spending more time spying on her and drowning in my misery than working. I moved my office back to HQ after I receiving an ultimatum from my boss. I began trying to work on our finical problems, that was the only thing I could do for my family and make any progress from it. That drew lots of love units from a already bankrupt marriage. I hit a weekend where between work and helping my wife’s grandmother move I was away from home for about three days. My wife was miserable the whole time and she let me know that I was ignoring her. I was stubborn and I just thought she would get over it. When I got home on Saturday night she demanded I take her to her friends house so she could relax away from the kids. After taking her, at home I checked the computer where I discovered she had placed a personal ad looking for a discrete relationship. One of the replies mentioned how he enjoyed talking to her on the phone. There were lots of replies. I also found she has been searching for a former boyfriend using popular people search engines looking all over the country for him. After I found this stuff she called and said she had been looking for a job and wanted to know if she let a phone number for such purpose on the table. I found the number and the name on it matched one of the replies to her personal ad. I told her I found the ad. She said that I had been ignoring her and that she was just talking to someone because that is what she needed. She also asked for a trial separation. <P>This is where I am now. I made a decision that I would not work 60 hours a week anymore, that I would put in my 40 and that was it. To make that decision I have to accept some finical consequences I know I will receive from my debtors. This is when I found your web site. I have found so much text here that has opened my eyes greatly. I gave my wife the ‘Emotional Needs Questionnaire’ and asked her it fill it out when she had a free moment. I would like her to read around your site because I think it could help her understand why she is so confused. She keeps saying none of this is my fault, that infidelity is just built in her. I still am having trouble talking about these problems. When I bring it up, I usually get the negative response, ‘You want to talk about this now’ as if I had picked the worst time and/or the worst topic. The ad is still there, I could delete it if I want to but I would rather she do it. I do get on and delete the replies daily.<P>I am sorry to write so much history. My question is how do I get her to open up to me? Why is she so reluctant to talk about it? She has said that she does not want counseling. This has hurt her, me and our extended family. Everyone in the extended family knows about the infidelity or at least some part of it. Because of these problems her own father has shunned us. The only person my wife is comfortable talking to is her girl friend. <P>One fact I find strange in all of this is our sexual relationship has gotten better during all of this. I am hopping she completes the ‘Emotional Needs Questionnaire’ so I might know what other needs I can address. I feel like at this point any effort I make will be wasted because she is still closing me out. I feel like the first move is to get her to talk but I don’t know how.<P>Rodney<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by rodneyworkman:<BR><B>My question is how do I get her to open up to me? Why is she so reluctant to talk about it? She has said that she does not want counseling. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Whew! Sounds like you have really tried. I thought I was trying too. Doing all the kind of stuff you were doing, but those weren't the things that were lacking in my relationship and it sounds like that is the same for you. And how do you fix it if you don't know what it is? (sigh)<P>I really feel for you. <P>If she doesn't want to go to counseling, you can't make her, but you can go yourself. I was in your situation too and didn't know what was going on. I went to counseling a few times then dropped it when my H woudn't join me. I wish now that I had stayed. I feel I could have been much further along if I had.<P>Every counselor I have ever seen has said, "They won't change if they don't want to change." I know that is true. So, all I can say is during this time is, take care of yourself. Be there for her and hope that she comes around, but don't lose yourself.

Rodney, I hate to go out on a limb here, but may I advise you to do some reading on sexual addiction.<P>It is a harsh and unpleasant term and not a nice thought, but I really think you just might find some insight.<P>One thing to keep in mind is that from what I have read *most* persons with a sexual addiction (as with any addiction) have a VERY difficult time admitting it. I don't yet have a lot of information on the subject, but if you look into it you might find some help.<P>The very best wishes for you and your wife in this heartbreaking struggle.

I think she would love to work the problems because she is miserable. There is just some kind of a road block. I am afraid that there was a window about a month ago where we could have done something but I missed it and/or ignored it. I think she does not believe anything can help now, as if she was in too deep. Somewhere yesterday I found a quote, 'A man who forgets to show love to his wife because he is "as busy as a bee"- may one day find his honey gone.' My honey bee is not completely gone, but there is just a few love units in the bank. Ever since we have been married she has complained about my putting work in front of our marriage. I think she was right, I thought money would make the world go around. Then we started having these problems now we are finicaly bankrupt. If I could just find out what her hesitation is, I think we could still save our marriage.