My sanity is coming back and I am screening my calls and I am again focusing on me and the kids......and I'm HEARING things.<P>My H and I have been living separately since Feb. He has never said "im in love" with OP, I'm "not" in love with you. All he said was the lack of connection with me and the kids......(though he says this is the way he has been prior to the 10 day trip overseas with OP and my kids and I just watched a video of him in the summer and I can tell you he was a very loving and devoted dad)<P>Anyway, early in the fantasy (which was quite grandiose I must say....) he did tell me he wanted to explore a relatinship with her and in his "possessed voice" he told me how she was there for him at work...she has shown him things......she understands how stressful his job is.......<P>Now I heard all of those things and apologized for my part and all and told him I wanted to try to work on our relationship and improve it etc.<P>Now, since he has returned fromthis trip to asia (it was a mission trip---she grew up in this location and could show him a lot about the culture etc.) he has become very into meditation, eastern philosophy, asian artifacts, living like a monk , saying "what do I need money for" Mind you this from gadget man....believe me....he does know how to enjoy spending money...he just feels guilty for it.<P>Along comes OP portraying herself as a very altruistic daughter of a missionary...taking my H to work in asia where people wait years to be seen by a dr. and they thank you profusely pay you with chickens or a home cooked meal......and he comes back here and we have so much......so we need so much.....no......and he has to deal with the stupid stresses of work here.<P>ANd there is OP who has been portraying herself the victim in her own life with her mean h who doesn't have a job and is not really very educated (her words).....<P>and she has been so supportive of my H, even when she has been throwing up all night she comes it the next day to do all of the work until late at night...never complaining.<P>And at work they can be doing "important" stuff.....work they are "intended" to do.<P>I can hear it now......."I don't want a relationship with OP...I just like to work with her....she has shown me a lot of things..I need to be giving back to society the talents I have....What's the point in making money if you can't use it to help others......" <P>Op has been filling his head with how she can help him accomplish this....she can make it happen....she can be the one to show him the way to the higher calling....<P><BR>Forget about taking care of your children...raising them, teaching them about how to do the "hard" things. <P>The lesson Of walking out when things get too tough....is one of the worst lessons we can teach our children....and yet...it's ok<BR>if it is because you are doing it for the betterment of the world....(that's why this seemed so "cosmic" to me at first)<P>This is how he is rationalizing it....he is probably convincing himself (as well as some members of his family) that he enjoys working with her...that he can get a lot done with her (one of his complaints when he left was that he couldn't get anything done here....)<P>All they talk about is the wonderful mission trip they will go on next and how wonderful it will be to see yourself do these wonderful things to help people.<P>Before you start bashing me...I waant you to know I have always been very accomodating to my H's educational quests....probably too so.<P>He went to Europe for a long trip when we were moving and I had to do all the moving and get power of attorney etc. <P>He went looking to start a practice (not even an interview) the day after our son was born....<P>He has gone away for a week of skiing when it was our anniversary....<P>He always had some new hobby, new interest which I supported....<P>The asia mission trip I can't even compete with and I am not going to try...he and I had even talked about doing a mission thing together....<P>But I think s.harley was right....our love banks were probably almost even keel...he wasn't protecting himself here because he didn't know any better and he and Op were friends....and then bam....he went on this trip...it appealed to his sense of guilt regarding the overindulgences we have in this american society.....and there we have it.<P><BR>He is clouded in his thinking re: me and the kids.......he has no real memories.......(he even told me he didn't remember making love to me, when we couldn;t even get out of the house without a quickie...even the week prior to the trip......)<P>because she has appealed to his altruistic sense of making his mark on the world.<P>I think, and have always thought that it is wonderful to DO for others, especially when you are given an abundance ....of any gift.<P>I have always supported his efforts....and would continue to do so...I know he knows that some where in side....<P>But you know....this is my husband....always looking so far away from himself to find true happiness....when it is right infront of his nose.<P><BR>You know...Op cannot keep it up...yes, he may have to figure it out the hard way....<P>I hope I am able to be there when he realizes that "there Is no place like home"<P>He has a big empty hole inside of him...that he has always been trying to filll.....he is so close......<P>she is not the problem.....but he will never figure it out while he is in this fantasy with her.....I just don't know what it will take to make him see that....I know I can't do it for him...I can only be me....maybe a better me....<P>I'm getting somewhere...<p>[This message has been edited by tootrusting (edited May 23, 2000).]

Way to go too, I hope one day I can say i am getting there. I'm off to bed now just wanted to check in with you. <P>If you get the chance read my post titled "Think h and OW had a blow out tonight" Let me know what you think.

I'm proud and happy for you...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>she(OW) is not the problem.....but he(H) will never figure it out while he is in this fantasy with her.....I just don't know what it will take to make him see that....I know I can't do it for him...I can only be me....maybe a better me....<P>I'm getting somewhere...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You most certainly are... <P>Jim<BR>

Wow, you sound great. I keep struggling with this concept. I will understand it, but putting it into practice when he is here and pushing my buttons is a whole other thing.<P> Now that we have it, how do we truely understand it in all situations and avoid reacting when times are stressful?<BR>Lora