He knows that it's a real thorn in my side for him to be gone from 7am - 9pm but it doesn't seem to sink in (either that or the gym is a bigger priority right now).<P>This is the problem I had, also. She ran ultras and the training took time away from me. So as retaliation I hung out throwing darts after finishing the chores at home which I did during the training. I managed to get them done before she returned. She eventually noticed my absence and asked that I be home when she got there. I wish I had done so then. <P>Eventually, that passed as I embraced <BR>her accomplishments. I even participated in the training. (We/she did a few runs near Huntsville) <P>But she had developed an EA. Now it may be too late, but I keep hope and a prayer that it is not. I doubt this helps you though. <P>She did things on her own, in retaliation, and came home when she felt like it. More communication problems!! <P>Not talking is what sank us. We would not bring up these issues because of the arguements that resulted. Therefore, I avoided being around her on Saturday. She worked late. Any clue why the marriage deteriorated??<P>rrunrr<P>(nothing wrong with a ramble now and then)<BR>

removed<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 05, 2000).]

Thought this might be an interesting post to bring back up. How about a 5 month afterwards update? <P>We're still doing good. Communication has gotten much better, and I am losing much of that take several deep breaths before approaching a delicate subject with him. We are planning a future together, and I am newly astounded at how on the same page we seem to be about so much stuff. Well the whole rediscovery process in itself is fascinating to me. So this is what it feels like to be on a team? Life still has its down moments, but when I stop wallowing, and put things in perspective the road we are on seems so far away from where we've been. (The scenery is much prettier too. )

Beth28, glad it's good news.<P>My life with the STBX is pretty much the same. He's still delusional an still with the OW. The OW is much more blatantly ruling things these days. She's taken over my role with the H and I am definitely out. <P>This does not bother me however, because my point of view about the whole thing has changed. Now I believe my STBX is affected by being an adult child of an alcoholic and that he is a sex addict. Unless and until he gets help for these things, he will continue to think and act the way he does. That isn't an attractive prospect for me. I have no regrets about not trying more or not giving more or that it hasn't worked out.<P>He was here two days ago and I just wanted him to get out. I felt like he was invading my space and threatening my privacy. I felt like he didn't belong here. I don't want him back.<P>My life is peaceful and good and moving in positive directions. I still think about things, but they don't affect me like they used to. I have pretty much stopped caring about what he's doing and what he's feeling.<P>We're STILL not divorced and not sure when that is going to happen. I am basically letting him pay for that. It's the least he can do. So, when he gets around to it, that is when it will happen.

OK, I'll bite. Not much posting lately, because things are quite good. I've found a balance between hobbies and spouse; Dragon Lady is, if not out of the picture, mostly out of it. I know she has a new job where she's not dealing with H, so I suspect it's just e-mail jokes every now and then.<P>H seems happy with the attention he's getting. I'm going up to my folks' mid-month (probably to see my stepdad for the last time); and I'm cool with leaving H at home alone -- no anxiety at all.<P>AND, I start a new job when I get back.<P>My therapist has helped me A LOT. Those of you considering counseling, please keep in mind that those who make YOU DO THE WORK are far more effective.<P>I was luckier than many people here in that I recognize the problem very early on, took quick action, and got quick results.<P>The techniques we know about from here are not magic bullets, and they do not always work, but they are HIGHLY EFFECTIVE.

My update: <P>I've joined Club Med (zoloft 50 mg daily; xanax on marriage counseling days only, just before leaving the house)<P>Keeps me from going ballistic when H says something totally outrageous. [mostly] <P>However in session about 3 weeks ago he accused me of resenting any of his outside interests and activities, even his playing basketball on Saturday mornings. Even the xanas and zoloft didn't stop me. <P>I shouted at him that it was a total lie. Once out in the hall he admitted that he was wrong about that. [I even re-arrange my own schedule, cancelling my own appointments, so that he can play.] <P>He needed to see me as a controlling witch to justify his own *** behavior.<P>Let's see, other progress:<P>He has said "I love you" to me in session without the qualifier ("just not the way you want me to.") <P>He has decided that the problem is probably merely a matter of semantics. (How's that for weasling?)<P>Our counselor gives us homework which we both are doing.<P>He kissed me twice on the cheek this week. With puckered lips! Yes, his lips touched my cheek. No Hollywood kiss. It's definite progress (I'm not being facetious; this is the truth.)<P>Sometimes he looks right at me, and I can see the color of his eyes. Last counseling session, they were turquoise, instead of gray. Though we were disagreeing, and he was complaining about the fact that we were even talking about kissing (on the cheek, yet) he was being genuine. He said it makes him uncomfortable to talk about "sex" (he equates a kiss on the cheek with "sex") I know that as controlled as he is, his eyes and skin color are his "lie detectors".<P>On my side, I feel less connected, and actually wish he WOULD stay out longer with the dog talking to OW on the phone. My heart feels cold a lot, literally. <P>If I know he's not coming home for dinner, I feel lighter, and my S and I enjoy dinner more. He's so dour, so critical, always telling our S he's taking too big a bite, not to let his teeth make noise on the fork, to sit up straight, etc. Any meal without him has a lighter feel to it.<P>My H sits at the head of the table, I'm at the right, S at his left. I've moved the dining room chairs slightly toward the foot of the table, because when our S sat closer to my H he swung his feet and sometimes caught his Dad in the leg. [The same thing can happen to me and I don't even notice.]<P>Our S likes to put his feet up on my lap after dinner while we sit and talk. Now he can swing them up unnoticed without accidently kicking his Dad or being criticized for putting his feet on my knees.<P>I'm not in love any more. I'm committed, but am looking at our marriage from another angle. There's been a lot of damage done, and I accept my part in allowing it to happen and for my own actions and cruelties.<P>I think Harley is right. You can't repair while the OP is still in contact with the WS. After awhile the BS gets cold.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Oh and one more big tidbit. (Well actually I think getting smaller would be more appropo.)<P>I've lost 34 pounds since D-Day. See there is silver in that gray cloud. <P>I see a bit of a rainbow...

Just killing some time and saw some old names here. I hope everyone is doing well.<P>My update: today is my 10th month divorce anniversary. Kids are doing well, I doing pretty good too. X is Tampa this weekend getting married to om.<P>Thats about all I have!<P>God Bless to all!!!!

hi all!<BR>Belle? It does sound better, but still talking to ow? Ouch. <BR>RWD?! Nice to see your name! I usually have to go to the other forum to read abt you. Glad you and the kids are doing fine. Going to Nville? <BR>Beth, the affair diet is a killer-be careful not to lose too much weight adn stay healthy.<BR>Deb, where is your update? Waiting.....impatiently! <BR>FOr me, I am doing fine. Still wondering when the love comes back totally. I want it ALL! Know that feeling? <BR>Aloha, cl<p>[This message has been edited by cl (edited December 01, 2000).]

All right I'll post one but only because cl forced me to ! Let go of my arm now please . <P>Thing here are things, what can I tell you . The latest battle is over a web cam. <P>Mike went to the computer store to buy a new something or other, and saw a web cam (probably used) on sale for $20.00, he bought it. Then without discussing it with me, installed it. Then I found where he was looking into web cam chats. This whole thing has made me very uncomfortable, and I protested. I got the * do I have to have your approval on everything I do to the computer , and it's no big deal, I'm not doing anything * bs again. :: I don't like it, and who knows what he will do when/if he starts doing web-cam chats. Remember the ICQ battles.<P>(I was already upset that he brought home a new kitten, that he didn't ask me about, and kept, knowing I didn't want it, sorry but the dog and cat we had already are old and don't go knocking everything off table, counters and shelves daily, and he won't clean up after this kitten, so I pick things up only to have kitten make a mess again) <P>So at this point I will say it stinks to be me. Maybe one day I will get the guts to walk, I think that's what he wants. If I leave he isn't the bad guy.<P>Yes, I am feeling sorry for Deb again.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

FYI, folks:<P>Petunia and I are closing in on two years since D-Day -- only 3 more months. Hard to believe it was that long ago.<P>Things are great, and have been for a while. I'm sorry I don't post much anymore, but I do lurk, and I have to say that the new folks are getting some GREAT advice and help from everyone here.<P>Glad to see people like K and cl and Lor and D&C (and I'm sure there are others I'm forgetting) are still around to provide their wisdom.<P>Love to you all, and I wish you speedy recoveries.<BR><P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Hey All,<P> I don't post much,either,but still stop by from time to time.Sad to see so many new faces here,and on the Divorce Forum. <BR> <BR> I'm divorced now,and living on my own.I'm still in our house,where I'll probably stay for some time.I just get out and try to meet new people,but staying out of serious relationships for now.Too much emotional baggage!Still pretty angry at my ex,too.So,I'm dealing with that,but trying to set some goals for myself,and getting on with my life.I also find that I'm growing more independant,and slowly gaining my self-esteem back.Wouldn't THAT be nice? <P> I sure would like to thank everyone who's helped me get through this mess.I've tried to keep my sense of humor,and put some of that in my posts,too.I dare anyone to beat our record number of posts on the Megathread over on the divorce board! <P> Thanks again,folks<BR> You're a great bunch of people!<P> ~~Murph

My weight loss is a good thing. Infidelity diet broke me about 15 pounds a year , and 3 months ago. Lost another 20 on the Atkins diet. (My husband went on it, and so I went on it too to support him.) I gained 15 of it back when the pasta cravings hit. Finally decided to lose weight for me, and have been on weight watchers since September. Lost 18 pounds on that program to date. I'm also eating much healthier than I ever did, and experiencing the joy of my cookbooks instead of making the same old things. Sadly to say, I had the 34 pounds to lose (and a bit more) but now I'm starting to see my beautiful curves come back. (As opposed to the more rounded ones.)<P>The weight was the first piece of homework my therapist gave me post D-day. I was a little taken aback at first because I wanted to feel better, and certainly telling me I was portly wouldn't do it. I see the wisdom of it now. The little bit of pain at hearing those you should think about dieting is well worth the self-esteem benefits after you've accomplished a significant weight loss. It also focused me off of my misery and onto something I had control of.<P>NSR? what's going on with you? I see you are posting infrequently, and you have been in my prayers.

Sorry wrong thread.<p>[This message has been edited by gentle (edited December 02, 2000).]

Hi All,<BR>Nice to see so many familar names! Happy Holidays to all.<BR>Deb, the tone of your note concerns me. First the kitten....this is just a little thing is the big scheme of things. So you being upset by it leads me to believe there are a lot of things you are holding in and not feeling so good about? There are underlying issues? <BR>The webcam....WOW. I can see why this concerns you given the history. What is up with the defensive posture from bozo regarding 'your approval on everything'? What does he plan to use it for? Do you have close friends and family that you chat with? <BR>Personally I hate those things, so maybe I am projecting my feelings? I usually am online in my robe, hair mussed, drinking coffee (like now), so would never want a cam around! <BR>Where is the POJA?! <BR>hugs, cl<P>

After 2 1/2 years there has been almost 4 months with no contact with ow! He has seen her from a distance twice and told me each time. He gives me his check and is very accountable to me and we are getting able to talk through things most of the time.<P>We just bought a new travel trailer and we are planning trip to Alaska next summer.<P>I'm finding the holdays are giving me lots of bad triggers and I am struggling with my emotions right now.<P>I'm finding I still have to be patient, but I know recovery takes time like everything else.<P>------------------<BR>Lilly

cl,<BR>No, I won't be going to Nashville as I will have no money at that time. Beside my son's birthday and Christmas this month, I also have my homeowner's insurance due($400) and my property taxes($900) will be due some time in Jan. I haven't figured out how I'll pay for them yet. So a trip to Nashville is out of the question at this time.<P>Murph,<BR>Good to hear from you. Know the feeling!

Hi All,<P>I finally have a few minutes to sit at the computer. Working 55 hrs a week and being a single mom to three teenagers,3 dogs one who is 3 mos old, a cockatiel, 2 parakeets, 2 aquariums of fish and one loan guppy in a bowel takes up most of my time. <P>I'm doing pretty well. My divorce from H will be final Dec 11th. It kind of makes me sad but I'm actually doing ok. I'm off the prozac and just taking St. Johns wort and my mood had been pretty upbeat. I just celebrated my 36th b-day on Thanksgiving. The first b-day I have celebrated without my H for 17 years. He did call to wish me a happy b-day and a nice thanksgiving for what that is worth. H is still living with OW2 and her kids in our home which is hard on my kids but they are adjusting fairly well. H says he still isn't happy and that he misses us but I don't see him doing anything about calling off his relationship to her so the divorce will go on as scheduled. <P>Nice to read all the posts and to see that so many of you are doing so well. I do believe that MB does work for most but sometimes there is only so much one can do.<P>Take Care,<P>Jill

I don't thnk i posted this on this forum, but to those of you who didn't know, I gave birth to my secon child, a baby boy on the 14th of this month..... Doing okay adjusting to being a mother of two. Two year old is doing great. She loves 'her' baby, so she calls him. <P>STBX, visited for the leave the military gave him. it was weird him being here. Since he's left and we are being cordial. He is not seeing anyone at this time, but its not going well with us either. I think that last thing he told me as far as how he felt for me was...that he loved and cared for me in a platonic (sp?) way. Whatever!!<P>I'm okay, besides fighting a little depression. I know I should be happy with the new baby and all, but I feel so down...I love both of my babies and they give me strength, however.<P>That's all!!<P>------------------<BR><B>Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

cl,<P>The kitten is a big deal, because I have been very clear for the last several months that I don't want anymore animals in the house. I don't hate animals, but I get tired of having to take care of them when he drags them up. And because he didn't even take how I felt about it into account. He just did it, without so much as talking to me about it first.<P> The deeper issues are that as far as Mike is concerned, POJA doesn't exist. And I have had a belly full of of it. Sorry, I know that isn't MB thinking, but it's true. <P>He uses the *approval on everything* line because he knows it has made me feel bad in the past. I rarely chat, and when I do it is in the chat room for another messageboard we both post on (unrelated) .