Hi All,<P>I need to purge and hope this is a healthy thing to do. I want to list all the things that are driving me crazy about my H and things he has done and said in this FOG. <P>* Telling me he feels he's betraying the OW when he sleeps w/me. And I'm talking strictly "sleep".<P>* Telling me we never had any good times and this whole 15 yr marriage has been a farce. [20 yrs total]<P>* Telling me I never loved him.<P>* Telling me he felt like a guest in his own home.<P>* Telling me there are things I don't know about him as a H [meaning OW does].<P>* Telling me I'm responsible for his non-participation in his OCs lives their first 6 yrs.<P>* Telling me I would never make a good mother.<P>* Telling me he respects OW. [this could be a post of it's own, I could give you 101 reasons why he shouldn't, but boils down to she isn't someone you'd proudly take home to mom]<P>* Telling me I don't care about him.<P>* Telling me I'm an inconvenience [when I was sick].<P>* Telling me I make his skin crawl.<P>* Telling me it may be too late for us.<P>* Telling me he loves me and misses me [since seperation].<P>* Telling me he cannot be committed to the marriage b/c he's seeing someone else.<P>* Telling me he doesn't want to get into ANY serious relationship [better tell that to OW]<P>* Telling me you can only keep a promise for so long.<P>* Telling me it's my fault there are 2 OC.<P>* Telling me it's my fault he is promiscious.<P>* Telling me it's my fault he has a bad back.<P>* Telling me it's my fault he's not famous.<P>* Telling me it's my fault he's 45 yo and doesn't know what he's going to do with his life.<P>* Telling me I never went on the road w/him.<P>* Telling me he doesn't want a divorce but doesn't want to be married.<P>* Telling me he is sleeping in OW's spare room when he was staying w/her.<P>* Telling me he's only going to counseling to help counselor help me.<P>* Telling me there's nothing wrong w/him. [but weeks bef said he was a sick sick man and needs help]<P>* Telling me he felt obligated to come back aft first separation.<P>* Telling me he's always been a loaner [James Dean syndrome?]<P>* Telling me he wants to do what single ppl do.<P>* Telling me OW broke one of his rules by calling and harrassing me [didn't know there's rules for being a adulteror]<P>* Telling me this affair in diff from the first affair. [but it mimics it to the tee]<P>* Telling me OW is sick but she's able to bar hop every night and run Kareoke.<P>* Telling me it's my fault he lies b/c he can't tell me the truth, b/c if he did I'd act like a wife.<P>* Telling me I've never been his friend.<P>* Telling me if he left he's be sneaking over here to see me [bef separation].<P>* Telling me I've never really cared about him.<P>* Telling me if I'd act happy maybe he could make up his mind.<P>* Telling me it's okay OW harrasses me b/c she's angry and I'd do the same thing.<P>* Telling me the marriage is over on our 14th anniversary day and then says we should cook up an anniversary dinner.<P>* Telling me it's okay OW goes to bars every night, I'd do the same thing if I were single. NOT! [OW is 43 yo and has 4 kids, 2 very young ones]<P>* Telling me we as a couple never accomplished anything.<P>* Telling me he can't do ANYTHING in this marriage.<P>* Telling me he feels guilty living in our home when he knows how they live. [OW and clan are welfare recipients, guess I should feel guilty for working the last 25 yrs of my life]<P>* Telling me I'm not a good musicians wife.<P>* Telling me he feels like he's living in that movie "Jacob's Ladder" [this was the one that set off an alarm for me]<P>* Telling me I never supported any of his choices.<P>* Telling me I never laugh at his jokes or let him finish his sentences.<P>* Telling me he can't have "friends" uh hum, and be married.<P>I've had to take a hard look at this list and think about what it's saying to me. I feel some of it I should sit up and take notice, but the bulk of it is Blame and Guilt to justify.<P>Okay, I think that's it. Thanks for enduring and reading this thread guys. Sorry, I just had to get it off my chest.<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR><BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak that will snap in the wind"

Just wanted to let you know that none of that crap has anything to do with you. I heard so much of that myself. My personal favorite was my H's "fidelity" pact he had with his whore while he was married and living with me. What a crock! Of course, he was lying to her (big shocker, he lies). <P>Anyway, just wanted to give you some support and tell you not to get down and take all that too personally. Does he blame you for the rain too????? I don't even know you but, there is no way any human being is responsible for all of THAT he says. You know that, right? <P>I know how it hurts. Even now when all that my H said has been recanted "post-fog", so to speak, the pain of it still echos in my heart. I'm glad your H is in counseling, under whatever guise. Maybe that will be the key that wakes him up.

Hi Daisy,<BR> Don't feel alone in this.I heard a lot of that,too.My stbx blamed me for everything but global-warming,but I think she's working on that.They probably read"The Cheaters Book of Justifications".<BR> Being married over 20 years like you,if I had cheated on her,I know I could of come up with 20 years of garbage on her,too.I'm sure your H wasn't a saint,either,right? <BR> The only way your H(and my W)keep from feeling quilty,is to be angry with us.It's all OUR fault they fell in-love with someone else.I was probably just as vulnerable as her,but I couldn't have done THAT to her.<BR> Try not to take it too personal,it's just a bunch of BS.<BR> By the way,just how do you define"a good musician's wife"?<BR> You DO laugh at my jokes,right.....RIGHT??!<P> --Murph

Hola MelMurphWill,<P>Don't know what defines a good wife for a musician. Still looking for the handbook.<P>I just had to release that stuff this morning. H called and left a few msgs, real sad sounding. Made me sad, then mad and brought back all the things he's said.<P>Feel bad for him, I know he's in a crisis but he needs to work it out himself. I want to be there for him but it hurts too much.<P>Yup Murph, you are definitely pretty funny. Laugh at all your jokes. Your sense of humor reminds me of H. [that's a compliment, honest]<P>Your monster thread is in the mid-500, think you should shoot for 1K. I'll be lurking and posting tonight, let shoot for 700, always good to have a goal.<P>Jo

Hi Jo:<P>Talk about contradiction...your husband is classic. This sounds like it could have written by any one of us here about the WS.<P>What he's really saying is "Leave me alone, I want to do what I want to do." But he can't say that, it sounds too selfish and childish. So, to justify himself he has to find fault in you. Like pulling strings in a marionette show...all he has to do is pull the right string to get the reaction he wants. And by now he knows which of your strings to pull.<P>We need to cut some of those strings...don't let them manipulate us...we know where the fault lies in this matter...don't let them throw it on us.<P>I think the first thing we do wrong is even trying to talk to them...you can't reason with them...to themselves they're right..what is there to discuss...so to get you to let them alone they turn the focus on you and your mistakes...usually works too because it can inflict much hurt..real conversation ender.<P>And then there's the times we get out of control...attention is need here to get us back in line...so we get it for a while until we're dancing as usual...all ours strings untangled and in sync...until the next time.<P>Oh for a pair of clippers and the strength to cut the strings.<P>Buffy<P><BR> <P>