Over the weekend, I attended a wedding of a relative. One guest, who happens to be another relative (through marriage) attended alone. His W of 8 years (and their 2 kids) recently separated from him because he is a serial adulterer for the 8 or so years that they have been married. He is also very emotionally & mentally abusive as well as physically abusive. I have actually witnessed his mental abuse.<P>His W accidentally found out that he has 2 OC from 2 different OW. There have been many OW inbetween also. Being separated hasn't slowed him down. He doesn't even seem to be remorseful for it.<P>This relative is oblivious and thinks that no one is aware about it. He was partying and dancing with multiple women at the wedding reception.<P>His parents have bad-mouthed their DIL because they won't accept the reason why the couple has separated. They are in denial, although deep down they really know. They are also guilty of mentally abusing their DIL. I have witnessed this also.<P>Here's my dilemma: I am the betrayed (H & I have been in successful recovery for over a year). When I saw that relative at the reception, and knowing about his horrible behavior...just looking at him disgusted me. He was dancing with anyone that was female and had 2 legs. He is the type of person who is very self-centered, rude, arrogant, a know-it-all, braggart...I can't stand him!<P>As I said earlier, just looking at him made me sick. So, I ignored him. He totally disgusts me and I didn't want to say "hi" so I didn't. I intentionally stayed out of his way, just as he stayed out of mine.<P>Now...I don't know how to act diplomatic in this situation. I don't approve of his behavior and I don't even like him as a person (I never have....he's my relative through marriage). My heart breaks for his wife.<P>How am I supposed to treat him when he totally disgusts me? I'm sure that I will be seeing him at another future family party. How am I supposed to act?? Any advice??<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Survivor [aka_NoTrust] (edited June 20, 2000).]

Gosh, this man sure sounds like a real beauty. When I read this immediately, it brought to mind in me an excerpt from the book the HIDING PLACE. The author talks about enountering one of the SS guards who had stood guard at the shower room door...a man who had mocked and abused the innocent during the war. This was many years after the war when she saw him. She related how every angry and vengeful thought boiled through her. Somehow she was struck with the sin of that thought...Jesus had died for this man; should she ask for more? She prayed to ask Jesus to help her forgive him...she said she could not...rather she receieved HIS forgiveness. It is NOT on our forgiveness anymore than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on HIS.<BR>When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.<BR>My answer although seemingly impractical...is to pray for this man. He may not change, but your attitude toward him will...try it.....

Mathteacher, thanks for replying. Even if I prayed for this guy, I don't think it would be possible for my attitude would change towards him. He's just so darned arrogant & rude. Fortunately, I only see him a few times a year.

Hi Survivor!<P>Sorry it's taken me this long to get back to you, been really busy ever since I got back. Ugh!<P>Anyways, does your H know how you feel? It's his family right?<P>I noticed you said that you only see this guy a couple of times each year. It's not like you have to socialize with him more than that, right?<P>Hmmm.... my personal suggestion (because this is what I do with my H's family that I'm not too fond of) is just ignore them as much as possible. If he comes up to you and wants to have a conversation, I'd just be as pleasant, but as short as possible with him. Take any opportunity to leave the situation as quickly as possible.<P>I think you did just fine, ignoring is the best solution. There's no reason for you to talk with him so I wouldn't. If he gets in your face, then I'd say it's time to give a little back to him. Just be "nice" about it. I'm trying to find another word in my head, besides nice. Cordial? <P>Does he know what you and your H went through? If so, that might be the reason he's staying away - which is a good thing.<P>Kinda sounds like you almost want to "pick a fight" with him just so you can tell him what's on your mind. I don't blame you. There's a few I'd like to do that to also. But I think you're better off just ignoring him as much as you can and have fun when you're at these family functions. <P>Just pretend he's not there. I know it's hard when you see his arrogance flying all over the place, but I'd ignore him.<P>Well...that's my 2 cents. It's exactly what I've done and what I intend to still do. If they don't like it, they can go fly a kite.<P>I'm going to enjoy myself, and enjoy the people that surround me with good vibes. Screw the other ones. Okay, not literally, but I have a feeling you know what I mean! <P>BTW, how was your weekend? Great, I'm hoping!<P>--purplemag

Hi Purplemag,<P>Thanks for replying. I liked your response. Thank goodness that I see this cousin (by marriage) only a few times per year.<P>I think that most of the reason why I can't stand him is that he used to belittle my H until my H got a better job than he did. He would openly put my H down and I resent him for it.<P>But as I said earlier, he is an arrogant, inconsiderate jerk. He even yells at his mother and belittles her in front of us. It is so sickening.<P>He reminds me of Bif (that jerk guy from Back to the Future). In fact, he sort of looks like him!<P>No, this cousin doesn't know what my H & I went through. Not many people know.<P>I will take your advice and just ignore him. I'll mind my own business as long as when I do see him, he doesn't get into mine.<P>Hey, by the way...I live in upstate NY. Did you say that you live in PA or NJ?

Hi Survivor!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Hey, by the way...I live in upstate NY. Did you say that you live in PA or NJ?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>In PA. We'll have to meet in the middle somewhere sometime! It would be great to meet you! I think you have a wonderful idea with your other post. It is neat to see that people are actually meeting one another!<P>We can bring our H's and they can compare non-alcoholic beverages. <P>Glad you're gonna stick to ignoring the fella. For a little fun, if he ever does get in your face, just give it right back. I bet he wouldn't know what hit him! <P>--purplemag<P>

Hi Purplemag,<P>Yeah....our H's can compare notes about non-alcoholic beverages....hahahaha. It would be great to meet you, face-to-face someday.<P>This Thursday, I will be leaving on vacation for California. I won't be back until beginning of August. However, I'll still have internet access so I'll definitely be posting/replying on this forum.<P>There is another wedding in August so I'm sure that I will see that cousin (by marriage). I'm just going to ignore him. If he says "hi" to me, I will say "hi" back, but that will be the extent of it.<P>Well, have to get more packing done and ready for my trip!