Why do I allow myself to be set up for disaster. I thought my H's change in behavior might be a sign he realize what he would be losing but I guess I was wrong. HE only realized it was time to go to court.<P>The first thing he asked when he came home tonight was what happened today (meaning in court) I said I didn't know. He asked me didn't I have to be there and I said no. He thought it was tomorrow and didn't call his lawyer. Then I got upset about the whole thing and told him I didn't know what he wanted that his sudden change in behavior led me to believe he might want to work on things. He said he cares about me but doesn't feel the same as he used to.<P>Then of course he launched into the old broken record discussion about how it was bad for years how I did or didn't do this that or the other thing and how the OW doesnt' have anything to do with our problems. Well I replied telling him I am not perfect I have made mistakes people learn from their mistakes and I felt that the OW is in the middle now and there is no way we can work on things with her there.<P>He still says he doesn't know what he wants for sure and I said that I would at least know that we tried to work on things and if it didn't work out I might be able to take it better. Well he isn't sure he cares about me and what happens to me but doesn't feel the same anymore. How could he when the OW strokes his ego and tells him how bad a marriage he has with me.<P>So then he asks me to find out tomorrow from my lawyer what happened in court. Why doesn't he just call his lawyer? He says we can work it out between us and doesn't want to do the paperwork. I told him that I have tried to be patient and he has had a year and still nothing so I took the next step.<P>Then of course he tells me that he will be left with nothing to show for all the years we had together and be lucky to get his truck and be broke. Well he should have thought about that before he found the OW or found one that has money and not three kids and two ex husbands. I told him that with her there are no strings no day to day problems every time they see each other it is great and with me we are married with bills to pay house to clean and everyday life to deal with. Of course she looks better although a bit bigger than me.<P>Then before he left to go work on his race car he said that half his problem is he gets half drunk doesn't care about anything and just does what he wants. Why doesn't he listen to what he is saying. His drinking is a big problem. Guess he doesn't want to. The OW thinks it is great to drink in a bar all night and then stroke his ego too. Does she really expect him to do that for the rest of his life sooner or later it will catch up to him and then she will wonder why the bar scene was so fun. It is ok when you are chasing the man but when you get him the rules change.<P>I bet dollars to donuts he goes and cries on her shoulder tonight and doesn't come home. He can't deal with things here guess that is conflict avoidance. <P>I know Iknow I should have not gotten my hopes up only to have my heart ripped out once again.

Bc, don't beat yourself up...<P>Remember he is STILL under her spell...<P>If he is still contacting her, then THAT is still a big problem. <BR>If you're both working on getting a divorce then why is he still living at home.<BR>Maybe a plan B should go into affect. To let him see the consequenses of what he is doing and let the reality bite him on the "b***.<BR>It will also help you from LB , and keep your Love bank from being emptied. <P>I told my H, if that is the kind of life you want with OW go for it....Even though I love him with all my heart, It's not the life I would want and not the life he had with me, so if that is what he REALLY wanted fine....but no more contact with me....<BR>Well since he is facing reality, divorce, finances, seperation from our son, etc. the grass all of a sudden doesn't look so green on the other side. <BR>Have you tried going to Alanon? Maybe his drinking is the biggest factor but you can't change that he has too. Maybe they can help you deal with it....<BR>Hang in there....Don't blame yourself...This is a wild rollercoaster we are on!!!

Yes I have gone to Alanon and yes I can't change him or his behavior and he will only change if and when he hits rock bottom. <P>I have also asked him to leave if he wants to be with the OW. He said why would he leave if he did it would be abandonment and he would lose everything. Well I guess he didn't ask his lawyer what his rights are because seeing we don't have any kids my lawyer said if I wanted to leave then I would forfit nothing I would just still be responsible for my part of the debt. <P>I don't want to leave because I fear he would have us in financial ruin. I just wanted so much to believe he had finally woke up but I guess he didn't just got a bit un nerved and now he wants me to tell him what happened.<P>He should call his own lawyer. I am not his mother. I have beat myself up over and over each time he launches into why the marriage was bad and what I did or didn't do. Then he says maybe it was all his fault. We are both to blame but I am ready to learn from my mistakes and he just wants to throw his away and start with someone else. <P>Maybe hitting rock bottom will be this next step legally. I am sure the OW is loving the conflict it is causing between us seeing she keeps reminding him that it isn't his fault and that I am childish etc. How the H*** does she know me and what I am like. We have never even spoken face to face.

Hi BC -<P>Sorry that you are disappointed, I know that we always look for the least sign that he is coming around....and then - BAMMO!!! They're not!!!<P>It is our own doing though......you know that it took a long time for him to get this way and it certainly is going to take a heck of a lot more time than a couple of days to change back!!!<P>Be realistic, BC.......you are looking for a quick turnaround and it IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN LIKE THAT!!!!!!<P>Not only when affairs are the culprit do things take a while.....but don't forget that you are dealing with alcoholism!!!!<P>It will take a plan on your part (Plan A, understanding what you are dealing with - affair; drinking, emotional stablity, stating firmly that you love him - what you want - and then sticking to it!!!!<P>You have to stop bouncing around and worrying about OW......how do you know all these things that she supposedly says about you or your marriage? Are you assuming? Did he tell you? If he told you, did you not realize (and verbalize) that of course she would be saying these things because she has a vested interest in your split?<P>It bothers me that he is telling you semi-specifics about what he didn't like of your behaviors of the past....and all you seem to do with that valuable information is internalize it and say that we make mistakes and can get better.<P>That's lip service, BC......the whole point of Plan A is to demonstrate HOW you have changed it!!!!!<P>You seem to just be waiting for him to miraculously sober up and drop OW....<P>Why would he do that? Have you shown him these great changes that you keep telling him can happen? Have you given him new reason to believe that things with you can be wonderful?<P>I know that when my H was into the laydies and they were trying to stay in my face......I couldn't be Miss Wonderful if I kept thinking about them.<P>I had to forget they existed!!! They were like cocaine as far as I looked at it!!!! THAT THINKING allowed me to stop moping around worrying about what I could not control and get my butt in gear with what I could!!!!!<P>You have to change your focus, BC!!!<P>You have the power to do it....you are not taking it.....why?<P>THink for a minute....everytime he is home...or talks with you - it always gets down to what is "bad" that he is doing....<P>That sucks!!!! (sorry, but for lack of a better word.....)<P>How dreary and scolding that must seem to him.....I wouldn't want to hear that all the time. It certainly wouldn't make me want to be there.....<P>You can change it!!!! Go back to that thread we did a couple months ago on that Saturday......reread it and start to do the changes we talked about.<P>This is like the 3rd time I am telling you this, I know.....but honestly, BC - I really think that your doing so will be a major help!!!!!<P>You are wasting time.......<P>And no, I wouldn't worry about his part of legalities......your lawyer should be calling you to let you know what took place. Whether he does or if you end up calling him......let H know that he can contact his lawyer and find out about his own case!!!!<P>Do you want to feel better or not? You have been riding this long enough and NO PLAN B is not what you need!!!!!<P>My H never gave me reasons for how he felt.....you at least have an inkling, even if you don't know all the contributing factors to this in his brain......USE THAT INFORMATION!!!!<P>C'mon BC.....what is holding you back?<P>Talk to me!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

I don't know what to say anymore. I just wanted to tell you I share your pain.<P>I'm in the same boat as you sans alcohol. But his drug is just as deadly... And he has close contact with it every day for about 8-10 hours... and then some now that there's PA! <P>I have found plan A to be easier to do when there seems no hope at all. My H is going to file. It seems like he will end up with the OW and her two kids. But... I will keep moving forward with my life and be nice. Even if we get D... if I'm nice ,,,it will just be more to keep him up at night! <P>I can certainly attest to the fact that focusing on OP and/or reacting...does not work. It just got me to do the dirty work as in take the responsibility of telling the kids. Now that that load is off him he seems less "possessed"<P>Plan A is about yourself and even having said that...I have a hard time with the occasional histrionics because I am still shell-shocked.<P>We can't make their choices, only our own.<BR>Keep coming here.

I have shown my H some changes. I didn't dwell or say anything last week about the OW or the divorce etc. I went out with him Saturday night and tried my darndest to be social with his friends. I thought I did a pretty good job under the circumstances with everyone knowing about the OW. <P>I have tried to set boundaries so I don't get hurt and this is hard. Last night I didn't yell or scream at him I just tried to talk. He did come home even though it wasn't till 1am. <P>Then this morning he got up and made coffee and then came and got back in bed for 10 minutes and wanted to hug me. I just don't understand. One minute he tells me he doesn't feel the same as he used to and the next he wants to hug and cuddle. Of course I did and I wished we could have stayed there all morning. He said he wished he didn't have to go to work too.

bc,<P>Have you read SamH's threads under "In Recovery" from a month or two ago? He went through a lot of what you're describing. His wife would tell him one day that they had to divorce and the next she would be cuddling up with him and holding him tight. This wnet on for a long time. A lot of back and forth. He didn't know which end was up. The advice he got was to continue with Plan A and that is exactly what he did. The back and forth stuff started happing on a more frequent basis until finally she made up her mind to stay. <P>When I read your post about your H's behavior starting to turn around and how you were behaving I thought, "Wow. She seems to be getting stronger and it's working." A while ago I would have told you to just give up (I think I did actually, not having much faith in alocoholics from my own past experiences). But what I'm seeing here looks like it could be positive if you follow Sheba's advice. She's right. It will not happen overnight. He's confused and will continue to have conflicting thoughts. His behavior will drive you crazy for a while longer. But you can do this!<P>Stay strong and Plan A!<BR>