I’m still feeling all the feelings of anger, hurt and betrayal and I’m still where I was 3 days ago. But a lot of the responses have made me think. How do I know what I want? My H and I had many discussions about betrayal pre- marriage and per-affair. I always said, “ If you ever betray me I will leave you. Mark my words.” Yet here I sit. I still can’t believe I’m doing this. ) Someone said something that struck me. My H has put me in a position to question my very existence in life, how I thought I would exist, and the type of world I had made for myself to exist in, and all the people who share it with me. Since all that has changed, am I ready to accept the changes, work with the new mold, and fight for my family and marriage? Do I have the strength? Here are both sides.<P>SIDE A: I love my H. I can’t imagine my life without him, (although in the past weeks the thought has crossed my mind, usually at the times of despair.) I look at him at night, sleeping, and realize this. I smell his scent in the closet and can’t see it not being there. I need him when he is gone. I am scared and miss him. When he gets home I want to just be with him, send the kids away and waste the night away just having him hold me. I want to forgive and believe this was just about sex. I want our family together.<BR>SIDE B: I’m afraid to be alone. I don’t want to miss half my kid’s life because of visitation. In this side, I look at him sleeping and wonder “HOW COULD HE?!?” I wonder if I can ever look at him with the same adoration and admiration that I did before (although he feels that those feelings left pre-affair). Lastly, will I ever be able to let him touch me again, without being reminded of this mess and seeing her? (Every time he does even a tender touch I freeze. This morning he says “You know I love you.” And gives me these little pecks on the cheek before he leaves. And all I begin thinking is, did you kiss her that way to? Of course he did, he slept with her! Oh, but the jealousy.)<BR> <BR>Okay, those are the sides. I feel strongly about both, yet side A gets more thought. I begin to think about side B in my down times. (by the way, I have not, by any means given up on the fight. I'm just trying to work thru the doubts.) What really scares me is that when I ask myself the questions of if I can do this, and why am I trying my answer is “I don’t know.” He is trying. She is not a threat to me. She doesn’t stalk, call, and he doesn’t see her. They have only been in contact a few times because of the baby. He says he never loved her. It was purely self-gratification for a need I was not able to meet. (NO, that doesn’t make what he did right.) He broke off the affair when she asked for more and way before I found out. So many people on these boards have it so much worse than me. He is here, loves me and wants to work with me. Do I love him? YES, I do. Can it be the same or better? I DON’T KNOW! I think I’m clouded by all the other emotions to really see that. Did his having an affair destroy that love or am I? How are you sure you can move on? I’m not asking anyone to tell me what to do. Only I know that in my heart and can make that decision. I do ask HOW you came to that decision, if I may be so bold to ask? So many of you say that your marriages and relationships are even better that before the affair, and I truly believe that could be us.

I wanted my marriage.<P>I spent some time alone, went through all my hurts, insults, pain, betrayal, the lies, my feelings about HER and what they did...and I forgave them. Then I did that periodically, as sometimes it comes back.<P>I look at my husband, and think the words, "this is my beloved husband, whom I love" (I know a little repetitive, but that's what I want to stress to myself).<P>I believe my marriage can be good, I pray it will be better, because even though I was content when all this started, there were serious things I was ignoring and that my husband was feeling.<P>I have my husband back. The real guy, not the bad-brain guy from these past 2 years. I love him, and seeing his return is wonderful.<P>My best advice, focus on the positive and let the past be past--don't be dragging it with you.<P>I also highly recommend counseling, alone or as a couple. Read, read, read here and many of the books NSR has compiled into a list.<P>It can be done, but for some it takes a long time and it takes as much patience as you will ever be called upon to give. <P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Talk to him about the feelings you are having. You are still sharing a bed and his A is over and he wants to return. You are so lucky there. Even though there were some EN that you were not fulfilling for him, he obviously was keeping some from too. Your relationship should not return to "how it was," it should be REnewed. Both of you need to find what was missing and put it IN!<P>But most of all, be honest with him, and tell him what he should know. I did that with my H last night and I cried for an hour or more just spilling my guts. I am starting to get in touch with my feelings because I am striving to be honest. As a result, some things that are deeply hidden are coming out and it will ultimately help me heal.<P>My h still won't give up OW, so I don't know what my future will bring. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.<BR>

I told my husband that I hated him for what he did to me at the point of discovery, and his reply was that he felt I hated what he did, not him. Then this morning,he says that he is getting the feeling that I am begining to hate him. When I asked why he said that I am acting much differently toward him, much more distant. He is right I am acting differently, and he was also right that I hated what he did not him. I love him, and the man just knows me too well. I'm pulling away because of my uncertainty, and yes, I should take your advice and open up. I really felt I was, but lately I'm just scared that he will take any type of doubt and think I have given up. I would love to show him my past two posts because they are exactly how I feel, but I'm afraid the honesty of them will discourage him. I am afraid that if I let him know that thoughts like these are on my mind at all, he will not feel that I can move forward. And i want to, I just don't know how. How do I know this is what I want. I don't want to be bitter all my life with him, and I'm so scared of losing him. AAAGGGGHHH!I think I need to sleep, thanks for letting me vent about this.<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited August 21, 2000).]

Dear Not Giving Up:<P>It's like starting all over again with a stranger, isn't it? It's like you don't even know the man you're sharing a bed with. It's like you question WHO he is...and where did the man you marry go to?<P>Yes, we've all felt it. We've all questioned it. IT'S ALL *NORMAL* for what you're going through.<P>You probably are distant. You probably are somewhat pulling away. <P>I know I did. I really *weirded out*. Didn't want to undress in front of my H, didn't want to brush my teeth or hair in front of H. Didn't want him to see me do anything "intimate" or personal....because these are things/times you only share with someone you know very, very intimately...and WHO WAS THIS PERSON? This H IS NOT the man I married........My H wouldn't dream of hurting the woman he loved and married <sigh>.<P>You want him, you love him, you need him, and you'll continue to fight for him. Your brain and your heart just haven't fused together yet. It takes time.<P>You'll get there. It will happen. You will recognize when you are ready to let yourself *heal*. I don't believe it is something you can rush. For me, it was a *process* of sorts. But, when I finally realized I wanted to fight for my marriage, I NEVER LOOKED BACK. THE PAST HAS REMAINED IN THE PAST FROM THAT MOMENT ON.<P>Stay strong. Share your feelings with your H as much as he will allow/accept (provided it's not a LB for him)...let him help you heal. Take comfort in the love he's able to give you and continue to show your love for him in ways you're able. <P>Remember to be kind to each other. Peace, ~Marie

It's like you took the words right out of my mind. I can't undress in front of him, do anything personal also. Up until about a week and a half ago, I was begging him to hold me, and rub my back (to comfort me only) and to show all kinds of affection. I made such a stink about it, and now I feel as if I want to pull far away, I tense up and I can't tell him why because I asked him to do it so much up until now.<BR>You say that it was a process, that you went thru, that you realized this. Do you recall what the signs were, or the feelings at the turning point of realizing that you wanted to fight? I hope that I am not bringing back horrible memories for anyone, or asking the impossible? If I am, please let me know, and I will completely understand. I just don't know where else to turn for this information.

Not Giving Up<P>I replied to your other post but I am going to respond here also. Can you get your H to come to this forum? I think I can offer him some help and support. Everything you have said in your post here I have seen in my W. The one thing that I would like to tell him is don't make the mistakes that I did. He is going to have to work twice as hard as you. Take that from someone who didn't. If he will work as hard to get you back as he did to screw up your marriage, you can work it out.<P>Everyone here will tell you that what you are feeling is natural. I have felt hated, guilty, dirty, shame, and sometimes unloved. Peppermint has felt everything that you feel. We have not recovered yet, but that is not her fault. I just wanted everything to go back like nothing ever happened. Wrong thing to do. That attitude did not help us rebuild. Bring your H here if he will come and good luck. If he is still at home and not with the OW, you can make it work and you are off to a good start. Good luck....fs <p>[This message has been edited by firestorm (edited August 21, 2000).]