Hello,<BR> Its been a long time since I've been here,2 years. First some backgound. Married 26 years and June 30 '98 found out she had been sleeping with a "freind" that was in our circle. She promised no contact and we began counceling and stayed in it for about a year. She has not done anything "wrong" and has been trying.<BR> The problem, My damn memory. I can't forget.I don't think I have forgiven, I know I have'nt forgotten. Not a day has gone by without some thought going thru my mind about the affair. Latly it would go right thru my brain and not stay, now it has stuck agaon and I am very depressed. I don't trust her and that hurts us both. I don't think she is cheating, but I tought that before and was wrong. very wrong. <BR> The question, does it EVER go away? Will I ever stop thinking about it? Can I ever have the happiness that I want? Will I ever be able to trust her again?<BR> Someone that has gone all the way through this **** and come out the other side, happy, please answer.<BR> Ed<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Hi! I haven't been married NEARLY as long as you have (one year), but I can relate to what you're going through. My H had his A actually while we were engaged 2 years ago. It hurt, it STILL hurts, and I could never forget it. I could never trust him, even though deep down in my heart, if I would have looked, I knew it wasn't true. <P>Well, the lack of trust grew to be so strong that recently I kicked him out of the house. We were not separated for long, only one week, and he went out and met this new OW. He doesn't keep in touch with her now, but she and her friends now call us every now and then to harass us. And to think that none of this would have happened if I would have let the past go.<P>Let me ask you, what is your wife doing now for you not to trust her? Are you and your W making time for each other - just the two of you so that you can enjoy one another? Really, the more time that the two of you have fun together, the better. The good memories become more prominent, and the bad ones fade. <P>Best of luck and many prayers to you and your wife.

I don't really know how you let go of those painful memories and trust again, but I do know that it is necessary if you ever want any lasting happiness and true connection again.<P>My H had an EA prior to all his PAs. I was inconsolable. We handled it very badly. He just wanted to never speak of it and for it to go away. I wanted counseling , but her refused. Every time I wanted to talk about it, he sighed with exasperation, and it never went away. It manifested itself in my being short tempered and not wanting him to be close to me. If you had asked me if I was harboring resentment, I would have said no, but in retrospect, I can tell you that it was all due to the betrayal.<P>Anyway, it wasn't until the PAs that I even recognized it. What a horrible way to have to face your faults and fears! Please do something about this so that this doesn't happen to you. Have a knock down drag out fight if that's what it takes to pop the abcess and allow it to heal. Whatever you do, don't let this fester.<P>For me, the horror of what I had done and what my resentment had caused was enough to let it go. I wish it were always that simple.

Forgiveness references...<P><B>Web sites..</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P><B>Books...</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P><B>Links to posts...</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000076.html" TARGET=_blank>Can I forgive?????</A>…..indy032…..1/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003319.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness.....</A>…..just_me…..6/5/2000<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006615.html" TARGET=_blank>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?</A>…..redman…..8/23/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000274.html" TARGET=_blank>Things my husband did to rebuild trust</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/17/2000<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited September 15, 2000).]