Hello, an old-timer here and apology in advance, for this very long Post.<P>Brief background: Last year of Jan-Feb 1999, my H had a 6-wk physical A with some barfly. It ended upon his admission and we have been in recovery since then, although barfly did attemt to rekindle A. 9 months after D-Day in Nov 1999 (he ended up writing a "No Contact" letter because I discovered this).<P>Overall, we've been doing okay in recovery. We've had our ups & down days and through all of this, I've found myself again. I feel stronger and know that I can survive almost anything.<P>We recommitted to our marriage and we have become affectionate and loving towards one another. My H, for most of the time, is good at calling, spending time with us, attentive, etc. etc.<P>Now here's where I'm mad. The other day, my H left for the gym at 1:30pm. I expected him home by 5:30pm, but he didn't come home. I received no phone call...just plain ole nothing.<P>During this time, I almost have a panic attack, but much to my surprise, I compose myself, and the panicky feeling goes away. I distract myself by going watching TV and then going on-line. I finally go to bed.<P>By 4am, he calls on his cell to tell me what happenned to him and then finally arrives at 4:30am. He tells me that he saw some co-worker friends at the gym and goes to play football with them. Afterwards, they go to another co-worker friends house and play cards.<P>All this, and he didn't have the decency to even call me.<P>When he was involved in his A, I could recall the days & nights when he would do this to me. To not tell a person where you are, if you are dead or alive, just plain old nothing is just so cruel, inconsiderate, irresponsible, and all of the nasty terms that I can even think of.<P>He kept apologizing but that lousy behavior of his just withdrew some of my love for him out of my lovebank. I feel detached right now, angry and find it hard to even say I love you or even be affectionate with him.<P>I just don't feel it right now and it is a few days later. I don't know if this feeling will return. I feel as if I have a wall built up on me and I don't care to be abused in any way anymore.<P>He is trying to have a normal relationship with me, as prior (before this happenned), but I just am not ready to let him into my heart. I feel detached, disappointed with him and weary of his irresponsible behavior. I got a reminder of what he could be like (minus the A) and I don't know if I care to deal with his crap anymore.<P>I don't know what to do to overcome this. My heart is beginning to harden again.

Dear Survivor,<P>I am feeling very much the same as you are right now. I question my feelings for my H, we have been through so much in the past fourteen months.<P>I think we (BS) purposely put up that wall as not to be hurt again. It is a mechanism to guard us against this pain and to ensure us that we will not get involved with these lies and irresponsible doings any longer.<P>My H used to do the same sort of shenanigans, before I knew about the A and OW. I think back on these times and wonder how in the world I was so blind. Not anymore, I don't think I will ever be so stupid or deny so much again. I will confront him with any suspicions I have at this point. I have that right and will not be played for a fool any more.<P>Be very careful, it doesn't sound good to me! If I were you, I would check it out. I personally think he has had contact with OW again. It's a shame to live with these suspicions all the time, but most of us here will go through this re-contact stage. It's as if they (WS) test us and are too flattered by the OP still wanting them and the fantasy of the secrecy and all that good stuff. They enjoy knowing IT'S still alive, feeding their ego.<P>The bad in all this is that you do lose so much love for him. His continuous betrayal of your trust that you so loving have tried to rebuild is taken for granted. I know this first hand because my H has done this several times during our recovery and it sets us back so far.<P>You get so tired after a while and want to give up and feel like it's not worth the hard work trying to change to be what ever it is that he needs for you to be to make him happy. We really owe them nothing at this point. But, being the alternative is divorce, we keep trying and doing to better ourselves and our marriages. <P>Until they realize the severity of the damage they have done and step up to the plate and commit to us 100% it will never change!<P>I know I haven't helped you today, b/c I too am feeling hardened and withdrawn. Too many incidents to process, you know what I mean.<P>Have a great day and take care of yourself right now, it will all come around in due time. I wish you two the best. <P>Cathy<BR>

Catplay, thank you for reading my post and replying. I don't have much time right now, so this will be a quick note.<P>I am certain that we can relate to each other's circumstances. My H's affair was over a year ago, but I still don't trust him completely (never will), and each time he does something that hurts me, another wall goes up in my defense. I begin detaching more & more and I feel that my love for him lessens.<P>I'm just so tired of being played for a fool that I don't even know if this is even worth it.<P>I don't know if the OW is back. So far, I don't sense that she is, but who knows? I was played for a "blind fool" before. It can happen again and I won't count the possibility out.<P>I don't even know what to feel or think anymore. All I know is that I am still pissed off with him and the barrier is up.<P>Thanks again for your thoughts.

Hey No Trust (old habits die hard!),<P>I'm in the mood to read and post today <P>Re: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am certain that we can relate to each other's circumstances. My H's affair was<BR>over a year ago, but I still don't trust him completely (never will)...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is one thing I've come to accept. You're right, you NEVER will. David's first affairs were now 14 years ago, and no kidding, they still sting. If you can accept this and go on, I think you'll have a better chance at full recovery. Seriously. It's like a cancer, you keep your eyes open for another lump, not think about it every second of every day, but are ever-mindful of what can be. But you live, and you can live well... but you never forget.<P>love ya, Sheryl

Hi Survivor!<P>Jeeze - you're the last person I thought I'd see writing a post like this! I'm so sorry to hear this, it makes my heart heavy. Not to mention that I'm ticked off at your H...I just hope I don't go and take it out on mine!!! Just kidding...<P>H hasn't tried anything of that nature, but I didn't receive a card for my birthday last week, nor did I receive an anniversary card for our anniversary this past Sunday. Makes me want to renew our vows this weekend! Ugh!<P>I'm just hoping he comes up with something REALLY good for this weekend - he better.<P>Back to you - sorry about my rant there. Just wanted to let you know that I have some of that wall built up too. I'm not sure the wall will ever go away. You're always on guard now.<P>I hate that you're feeling this way. He can justify all he wants, but it's not going to make it any better for you.<P>At least he acknowledged it by saying sorry?!?! That should count for a little bit, right? I know it's lousy. Does he realize how upset you are? Does he realize he can't do this? I would get him to the counselors, ASAP. But, that's just me, and knowing we're dealing with similar situations, i.e., the two As --Affair and Alcohol, I would get to the counselor. But, again, that's just me.<P>I can appreciate what you say about him doing something like this and you feel "no love" for him. One little thing like this, can send you over the edge. I've been over the edge a few times, and you've always been the one to bring me back. I hope now I can help you and with the support of everyone on this board, you get get back to your loving feeling again, sooner rather than later, okay?!?!?<P>You take care. Keep posting. I'll be checking up on you! Tell your H that I'll sick my H on him if he doesn't get his act together... <P>--purplemag

New Beginning...Sheryl! I'm so happy to hear from you and I thought that when you said "goodbye" the last time, I wouldn't hear from ya anymore. I appreciate that you came back and replied to my post. Your a sweetheart!<P>Yes, you are right. The only way to survive this is to accept and move on. But it sure is darn hard to do! I'm working on it and hope that lovebuster or not, what I explained to my H about how I'm feeling, REGISTERS in that head of his!<P>I'm tired of hearing his excuse for his dumb behavior. I want action, not just the apologies and the words.<P>Purplemag dear: LOL...I can imagine how surprised you are to see my Post. It was bound to happen, sooner or later, I guess. Things were too good to be true and it's like falling off the wagon, I suppose (well for him, I have to take it that way).<P>Btw: Happy Belated Birthday dear Purplemag and Happy Belated Anniversary too! I'm so sorry that your H didn't get you a card. You know what though? Maybe your H has a nice surprise for you on Saturday (celebration of your marriage renewal vows)?? I sure hope that's the reason for his not being attentive to these special days.<P>Our spouses! You can love'm and then hate'm at the same time...LOL.<P>Purplemag, if I don't hear from you this week, have a wonderful marriage renewal on Saturday. Think of me too because that's also the day of my birthday!<P>Thank you Sheryl & Purplemag. I appreciate your support and time that you took to read and reply to my Post. Love you two!

What is it with alcohol and affairs. I am in the same boat but unfortunately my H has not yet quit seeing the Ow or lying about it. Just last Friday he went to the bar at 6pm with the "guys" and never came home until Monday morning at 9am. Never called, nothing. I did try his cellphone(the one that OW gave him for continuous contact) and he did answer it Saturday night. I asked him where he had been and he said "around". Guess that means with the OW. I asked him when he would be home and he said I don'tknow. I will see you later. Guess that meant when he felt like it. I didn't go into work on Monday morning and waited forhim to come home. He acted surprised that I was upset and angry for his behavior.<P>So I wonder why it is he thinks he can just come and go as he pleases and I don't have any reason to be upset or wonder where he is or who he is with. Of course he wasn't with the OW yeah right. Found his cellphone last night and the only numbers he calls is her cellphone, her work number and her mother's where she is living in the the basement. So I definately don't believe him. <P>It is like go to the bar, get drunk, call the Ow if she is at work or get drunk with her and then don't go home. Get up the next day and do it again. He came home Monday morning wearing the same clothes he had on Friday night and they hadn't even been washed. Yuck I guess she wants him any way she can get him.<P>She even stooped as low as to leave her bra in his truck so I would find it. I had called her the day before that happened and told her that if she wanted him so bad to come to the house and I would pack his bags. She just was mad because I called. Well I am mad that she is sleeping with my H. Guess that makes us even but she had to play her games. Its like they are in high school.<P>I wonder if she even realizes that my H is an alcoholic. I doubt it seeing she is a few shy of a six pack herself. Sorry for me to rant but I can definately relate to the all nights out. My H averages 2-3 nights a week that he isn't home and each time says he is sorry that he drank too much or whatever but he doesn't stop drinking or staying out.

Survivor...<P>I'm glad to see you can still laugh! I just replied to you via email. Should be getting it anytime now. Reply to me there, k?!?!<P>Hang in! Keep the chin up! Smile, smile, smile!!! <P>--purplemag