I've been in thid lonely boat since Dec 99. Because of H flip flopping between me and other woman I filed for divorce to protect our assets which she wanted him to get before I could. His drinking has not gottin any better and I dont see that he has done anything to help this marriage except come home every night by 8 the latest, when the day ends at 5. I'm so tired of not knowing what tomorrow brings I am mentally falling apart. Last week went out got into a tiff. He says its not all about me I'm not the queen, and his tired of feeling he would be nothing without me. He is very successfully self employed a business we built together he the most me the bookkeeping etc. The other night I asked if he wanted a divorce his answer was to ask me. I told him no but I counld not stay married this way. I told him I thought about killing myself and wrote notes to him and my three boys. I gqess he felt bad said no not you Joycee. nHe said he thought this whole thing was because he wanted his freedom. When I told him I'd call my lawyer (he never hired one) tomorrow he said that was a quick answer-he didn't mean it. I waited and never got an answer as to what he wants and after about 20 minutes told him I was still waiting for an answer. He said he knew and that was it.The next night we were going to a class for boating. He looked at me after work asked whats wrong. I said nothing. His comment was you look distraught you always ruin ever thing I look forward to. He says he has not seen the OW since August but I dont believe him. He continues to lie and be sneaky. I've been told by others he feels guilty wants out but can not say so. What do I do? How can I get him to admit his feeling one way or the other

Welcome JTR:<P>Don't know how long you've been on this board, but you've come to a good place for help...to help save your marriage if it's possible, but to certainly help save your sanity in this mess.<P>We've got some heavy hitters on the board today and I'll try to get you some help. <P>First of all, you need back off of trying to reason with your H...this is not going any good....you're mainly reacting to him...you need to stop and begin to make some positive moves to begin to repair you marriage.<P>There are reasons why your H became involved with OW...and these problems in your marriage won't just go away by threatening to get a divorce or to leave. <P>Your H has already given you clues as to what areas of the relationship he is having difficulty with. Try to focus on those areas. Read the information on Plan A if you haven't already and if you have re-read again and again until you understand it.<P>Your time will be better spent here on this board then arguing with your H. Read, read, read. Buy the books that you find mentioned, particularily "His Needs, Her Needs." What you need now is information. Gather that information and use it to formulate a plan.<BR> <BR>Lastly, quit being a victim...sure you're marriage is not as good as it could be...H has found a OW...but that doesn't mean the marriage can't be rebuilt...or that you are a failure. If you read enough here you'll find that there are a lot of good people that this has happened too. Pick yourself up and begin to do somethings about it...you will benefit in the long run...whatever way this turns out.<P>Come back and let us help you.<P>Buffy<BR>

Hi, Sweetie.... here's a lot of hugs for you.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{jtr}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>The answer to the title of your thread....because he has no idea. He truly doesn't know, he has wayyyyyy too many things going on right now to even be sure of his name. As for what he really wants...he's clueless and he'll change his mind from one moment to the next. Now I know that doesn't help but.....<P>You will survive this. You are good enough, smart enough, strong enough to survive this and grow in the process. You've been dealing with this by yourself for a very long time, but now you've found hundreds of others who have dealt with it as well...you're not alone anymore.<P><BR>Now....Buffy's given you some great advice. Now it's up to you. Are you ready? It's not easy and it's not for wimps, but it's absolutely possible and I don't think you'll be sorry one little bit. I went back and re-read your other posts...only 4 I think. Did you take Jim's advice? Have you read, read, read, everything on this site and boned up on what a good plan A is? If not, lady, now's the time to get started. <P>Your husband is not capable of helping. He is not ready to commit to you or this marriage one hundred percent, he is not capable and unwilling to help you rebuild it and your talking to him about doing so is setting you back farther than you can imagine. Forget it. He can't help, he won't help (yet! ), it's all up to you. <P>So, now, decide. Do you want your marriage? Not this one, with the hurt and the lovebusters and the sparring and all the nonsense...but do you want a marriage in which both you AND your hubby are happy and secure and fulfilled? If so, it's time for you to take over. You don't NEED his help. Sure it would make life easier, but hey, nobody ever said life was easy. But you don't have to have it.<P>I lost count of the lovebusters in your few posts. Have you read about them and figured out a plan to avoid them? Are you ready to reconcile yourself to the fact that, for now, you will do all the work with little or no rewards, no emotional needs being met? The payoff will come later, I promise.<P>First and foremost, start taking better care of yourself. This is awful, it hurts like hell and there's no way to describe the pain. Good thing is that, around here, you don't have to try, we all already KNOW. We also know that it will get better and you can help that along. If you're seriously contemplating suicide, run, don't walk, to the nearest mental health facility. You're too valuable to lose....you know your boys need you, so do many, many other people. If you're having a difficult time coping and just maintaining, see your dr about some meds. They seriously do help a lot of people.<P>Take control of your life, Honey, one little tiny baby step at a time. Don't talk to him anymore about "us". Don't try to keep up with him or get him to do anything. It won't work. Even if he really HAS broken contact, he's still in withdrawal, you can't reach him right now. Keep him home and begin your good solid Plan A. For you....nobody else, for you.<P>Hang in there, Honey, we're here.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori<BR>

Hi JTR:<P>Whew...speaking of a heavy hitter. <P>On my way home now. Be back later to check on you. Please give us some feedback so we'll know whether any of this is sinking in.<P><BR>Buffy