Meg,<P>I owe you a huge apology. I've been inundated with so much work. I'm even working from home today (telecommuting). Please fogive me for not responding to your emails and offering input to your letter to your H. I'm really sorry.<P>I hope this evening I will have time to send you a response re: the letter. <P>In the meantime, we are contemplating a get-together. You are a "required" attendee, Hon.<P>Please take a look at the Post labeled "Bernzini, where are you?"<P>I hope this post find you well, Meg.<P>Love to you,<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

Hey Jo!<P>To anser to your question, yes I'm lurking .<BR>I know you are pretty busy so don't worry about responding to my e-mails.. like I wrote I already sent it to H and I have no regret although it is full of LB.<P>I don't know if you remember but I often talk to a guy who cheated on his girlfriend of 7 yrs, although they weren't married the way he reacted is all the same as WS it's amazing. He finally came out of the fog after 2 years with OW and now he's totally ready to commit to his ex girlfriend, even he thinks he wants to get married and has children. The problem is his ex-girlfriend is very mad now and I don't know if they can get back together.<P>But I talk to him alot(don't worry he's not gonna be my OM !). I learned some of the things about my H, and I think it helps to talk to him because I can see the point of view of WS.<P>Now I'm losing a love for my H. I keep remembering bad things about him lately, bad things before this A happened. Now I can see clearly what his problems are and I'm pretty sure he's not gonna face them... he always run away from them insted of dealing with them. So I kinda think this separation is really good for me.. even it hurt me like a hell.. I guess the way he is he has to do this way. I think I'm ready to divorce, and I don't think he will ever be out of this fog.. because it's him, not the fog. He was the way he is now befor this affair. Because OW became very serious and he was hooked up it turned out like this.. he was playing with fire for a long time.<P>So even if he realize things he has with OW isn't that good(I really don'T know if that happens though), and MAYBE we can be friends but I really don't think so. I don't like the certain things he did in the past and I don't know he can change that.<P>And I now know that I don't want to be married again. I'm too independent, and I guess maybe I will never be able to have a family. I don't even know if I go out with someone. Even if I'm alone I will be happy.. at least nobody hurt me the way my H did. I have too many things to do even if I'm alone and I don't know if I can have time for a man !!<P>Oh, and I cleared things out with my SIL, so everything is cool now. We are supposed to go out next weekend.<P>You know, one of many( ) good things about me is I can be happy about very small things. The other day I fixed my answering machine which I bought for $4, and I was sooooo happy!! And I just found out about a band I like and I'm pretty happy right now...so today at work I was smiling all the time.<P>About the trip, I really wanna go but just remember: Canadian dollar is very very weak so I don't know if I can afford.. but I will try hard.. because it will be so great to see some of the people from here!! Let me know when the details are planned.<P>Jo, I hope you are doing ok. I haven't talked to H for over a month(although I got e-mails from him..). I just hope anything he does won't affect me at all one day. That's my goal.<P>Big Hugs,<P>Meg<P>

Oh Meg,<P>I feel the same way. My H and I have never communicated well. And even if it ends with OW he will still have the same problems with not telling me anything and anger and avoidance.I just do not think he is capable of learning from this experiance. So would I want him back with the same old problems? Maybe our marriage was so broken before this affair that it can not be fixed.<P>I am pretty independant too. I never thought I would marry in the first place, and maybe I should not have. I am floundering a little now because I have tried to build my life around H and his crazy schedual, but I think I could be happy alone. I sure dont think I ever need this kind of hurt again.<P>Where are you in canada Meg?<BR>Lora

Hi Lora!<P>If you are independant then it will be much easier to live alone soon. I completely understand how you feel about your H. Like you said he's gonna have same problems with OW..(so is my H) What is he gonna do then? Going to the next OW??<P>I know you and Jo are really good at cleaning .. I'm really bad... my place needs to be cleaned so bad!! I wish you guys live closer .....BTW I live in Montreal. Winter here is really bad.<P>I was thinking about this Christmas.. Last one wasn't really great.. My H didn't even give me a gift and he asked me how he could send a phone card to OW(can you believe??). One of my friends invited me to her place but I'm not sure if I go or not... because it may be hard to see her family.. But one thing I'm going to do for sure is buying me a great gift!!!<P>Lora, I think you are at the one of the hardest time now.. you just separated from H. At least MIL is good to you so that should help.. does she know his son is having an A??<P>Take care,<BR>((((((((((Lora))))))))))<P>Meg

Meg,<BR>Well, I went against advice here and told my MIL about the affair. She told me about a time her H had an OW, and how she told him to go and take the 3 kids too. She said that was the last time she heard about it. She is sorry my H is acting this way and tries to be supportive of me. But I think she thinks it is over between us and she may be right.<P>We should all make a pact to buy ourselves really great xmas presents. We desearve it dont you think? I know the holidays will be really hard for all of us, we will have to do something fun here.<P>What kind of letter did you send you H? It wasn't a plan B letter was it?<BR>Lora<p>[This message has been edited by Lora (edited September 24, 2000).]

Lora,<P>I remember someone posted this thread a while ago, she was asking if it was ok to tell people about her H's affair.<BR>Most people said she shouldn't. I think because when they get back together it's better less people know about it, also sometimes WS gets resentful when he/she find out BS tells people what was going on.<P>My H told about OUR problems to so many female "friends". He told everybody we were separaing before he moved out. I couldn't be able to tell anyone for a while because it was too hurting. I was very mad when I found out he was telling this.. He was telling we would be separating but didn't tell WHY. If he did that I think I accepted it but he just omitted the bad part about himself.<BR>Anyway once I told one of my friends about my H I started to tell many people. I even told 2 SILs and one H's friend. I guess I was ready to move on or give up.. Also I needed sympathy. And I really don't care even if H gets mad.. because I'm not telling lies like H's doing and anyway what's wrong with it? <P>So I really don't think it is bad you told your MIL about your H. It's good to have support, especially from your H's side. Your MIL knows what you've gone through and you need that.<P>The letter I sent to my H... When I screamed at my SIL about her inviting OW(in the future), I was so upset so I called H and left a message saying he should take his stuff from MY studio and also asked about the divorce procedure because I made it clear I wanted and he should be the one who shoud do the dirty work. But I haven't heard anything about it so I was so fed up.<BR>Later he e-mailed me and he wrote some nice things.. but I don't fell for it anymore. He's in a dreamland and he would say sympathetic things but it's only the word, he doesn't mean it.. now I know. It's like, "oh, I will always remember your love" that kind of things.. like from some romance books and so pathetic! He keeps saying he has a hope.. like if he keeps hoping things get fixed by themselves. He's just dreaming.<P>Well, I will stop because I started to be venting..<P>Meg

Hi Meg,<P>I hope you can find a solution that brings you some peace. Has your H been nice in the past just to get something from you? I am so starved for his attention, I would be excited if my H made any kind of contact.<P>I talked to my SIL tonight and she is pulling for me to win him back. We will see what happens I guess, but I am glad they know I have not just given up on my marriage. <BR>lora

Hi Lora,<P>Because I started to be mad so I didn't finish what I was supposed to write . The e-mail I sent to him is the reply to his e-mail full of [censored]. It became very harsh and full of LBing.. and I don't care.<P>I don't have any attention from my H. He just replies when I e-mail or call him. Then he says he often thinks about me. Yeah right! Well, I just let him keep dreaming. But I don't fell for his manipulation anymore.<P>It's great you get support from your MIL. I hope things turn out in your favour. Keep us updated .<P>I think I have peace as long as I don't think about my H...I kinda feel I don't belong here because I'm not trying to save my marriage.<P>Meg

Meg,<P>Stay here, you know what they say, is not over till its over and even then.....<P>Sounds like you maybe waited too long to go to plan B, hard to keep any good feelings for them after so much crap , isn't it?<P>Your H sounds like Jo's. Calls you and says nice stuff, but no follow through. That must be hard to take. I just don't understand them. I guess I should stick to cats. I think I understand and can meet my cats needs pretty well.<BR>Lora

Hey guys,<P>Can I get in on this?<P>Yeah ... my H did the same Allsion. I love you .. I miss you. You're always wih me n whatever I do ... blah blah blah blah<P>I sure as hell hope I'm not with him when he's boinkin the Abusive Banshee! LOL!<P>I'm in a cross mood this evening...so I'm venting. <P>He is such an a&&, it hurt me so much to hear him use those words and hurt me knowing I would take every little sliver of hope from him and make it into a reason to wait and hope. He is a terrible person for doing that. I would cry on the phone with him telling him it hurt so bad to hear him tell me how much he loved me and he'd say "yeah, well what do you think .... I'm telling you this to deliberately hurt you and drive you insane?, they're my feelings and I want you to know how I feel" <P>So I cut him off, I had to. It WAS driving me crazy, literally. I'm just weak.<P>Jo

Lora!<BR>It's so funny you said Jo's H and mine are alike.. I guess it's musician's characteristic... they have to be nice to fans and as soon as they get interested they don't have to do anything.<P>I think my H can't handle people hating him.. so he has to be nice. Or by saying nice things he feels less guilt.<P>I like the way you said about your cats. I have one and he's much nicer than my H !!<BR>He follows me everywhere and when I turn around he's always there. I often laugh because I'm not even doing anthing and he's prrring on my lap .<P>Jo,<P>Nice to see you!! Hope you are not too busy now. It's true our Hs are very similar. If he loves you then he should consider these comments hurt you so much(even if they are true). And if that's how he feels then why he's not with you?? Like my H, your H is dreaming too.<P>I gotta go before getting into this more !<P>Meg

Good gawd Meg ... that's exactly how my H is too. Can stand for anyone to dislike, hate or be mad at him. So he's nice to everybody. Sometimes TOO NICE!<P>He has BIG problems and has mad them mine, but no more. I feel hurt for him but I also resent how he's treated me, his wife of 20 years. He sepnt more time with me thatn he did with his family growing up. Did I say growing up ... must have been a typo, cuz he hasn't.<P>Boy, I am really on a roll. Just venting left and right. I'll be better tomorrow and look at my post and be disgusted for being so shallow. But sometimes you just need to get it off your chest.<P>Where the heck is Leilana anyway???? I need a good laugh.<P>Jo

Hey Jo,<P>I hope you are feeling better today(I assume you are.. because you are posting tons of threads !!)<P>I'm fine, I don't think about H that often anymore. He said he would be back from the tour(I hate the way he writes.. you know, it's true he's touring but between the tour he stays at OW, but he doesn't know I know, so he just have to write like this GRRRR!!) on Oct 8, but I will be VERY busy since I'm taking small trips to Ontario here and there around that time(to see concerts) so I'm sure I won't see him(HAHAHAHA)! But I really want him to do the paper work for the divorce(we don't have any money anyway so we just file and there's no money involved.. and I'm sure from the guilt he left most of the stuff here so I will take them as alimony.)<P>BTW, I'm just wondering.. I don't think you ever sent your H Plan B letter.. (if you did sorry, I must've missed the post) It's like you are on Plan B but are you going to send him a letter?<P>Take care...<P>Meg