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Hi Folks!<P>I know this is off topic but I am hoping someone out there can help me through this dilemna.<P>Our beloved Billi girl had to be put to sleep last Monday (the 25th) for kidney failure. She was only 5-1/2. I miss her terribly. We don't have any kids, and she was like my daughter.<P>Well, on Saturday, I made the mistake of passing by a pet shop. Went in. Saw a little fluff of a pup, a Bichon. Fell in love with her, and what clinched it was she was born on H's birthday.<P>I brought her home, and we named her after Billi. Billi was a belgian shephard/husky mix, all white, and when we got her, her original name was Pearl.<P>So we named this one, Mini Pearl.<P>Well.. Since Sunday night, I have not been able to control my emotions. I still am grieving over the loss of Billi, and now I have to take care of this little one who is counting on me for everything.<P>I am overwhelmed more than I ever thought I would be. It is affecting my work, it's affecting my relationship with my H, which has been great. We even renewed our vows two weeks ago (had to throw that in to let all you know out there that this marriage is an MB success!).<P>Anyway... has anyone else gone through this? I feel I've made a horrible mistake, and last night was the deadline to take her back. I called the pet shop in tears yesterday morning and they said I could bring her back up until last night. My H talked me in to keeping her, and now all those same feelings are coming back as to wanting to take her back.<P>I feel like a horrible human being. We've bonded with this little one, and that's a hard thing. But my emotions are so torn, that I'm afraid of what's going to happen to me. I'm more worried about me right now than anything else. I have never felt this much dispair. Even when going through my H's A. <P>Help! Any advice or thoughts you could give me would be great.<P>--purplemag

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You are still grieving over Billi.<P>It is easier to bond with a new pup after you have finished grieving, but hey...not everyone does it that way.<P>First, give yourself permission to continue to grieve. Billi was important to you, and grief is simply the work of coming to terms with letting go someone or something that was important. Somtimes writing a journal or fixing up an album helps...<P>Second, give yourself permission to love the new pup. It is OK to love her, it does not mean that you loved Billi any less. Simply that life does go on. She will never replace Billi, so don't let your feelings for her make you feel like you are being disloyal. Her place in your heart is and will be a different one altogether.<P>Hang in there.<P>Kathi

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Thanks, Kathi!<P>It's not so much that I'm not letting myself grieve for Billi, I just feel as though I am not ready for this commitment with this new pup. I thought I was. I really did. I thought that it would be the best thing for me. I don't think that now.<P>I do love that little pup so much. I really do already. But, just as with kids, I'm finding myself not being able to do anything but make sure that little fluff is not biting or chewing on anything and not going to the bathroom in the house! <P>My H says this is just another "test" in life for me. That I'm having a little hiccup of sorts with this one. I'm not really good at making decisions on my own. I've become very much better at with this whole A thing that happended, but not like what I'd like to. My H says keep her - we'll work through it. My heart says take her back. I'm physically and emotionally suffering horribly from this, and I don't know why. It's just crazy. Specially to be sitting her crying harder than I did over my H's A.<P>Thanks, Kathi, again for your kind words. I'm just wondering if this little one needs another home.<P>I even feel horrible typing that! Je$)$, what is wrong with me?????<P>--purplemag

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I am so sorry about Billi.<P>I had to put my dog to sleep in August and I truly understand the horror and the pain you are now in.<P>Since my dog had declined for about 6 months and was almost 17, I think I grieved much of her loss before she actually died. I think the horror of going through that last day is what caused most of my trauma.<P>If her illness was sudden, your grief may be more complex and acute. My heart goes out to you.<P>Admittedly, buying a new pup so soon after your loss may not have been a good idea, but I don't think it is such a bad one either.<P>Your grief incapacitates you at the very time a new puppy needs attention and that may make caring for her difficult.<P>Are you feeling disloyal to Billi? It may be natural to feel like you are replacing her, but of course you are not. Just like one child can't replace another, another pet can not either. You can open your home to another pet AND keep warm memories in your heart of Billi.<P>After initially bonding with Mini Pearl, all the work of a puppy (especially when you are grieving) may be diminshing some of those warm fuzzy feelings that you had when you first saw her. Bonding with your pet is a process, not an event. You certainly can't expect yourself to feel the depth of emotion for Mini right away, that you felt for Billi. Undoubtedly it will come with time and you will love Mini Pearl for her own personality, if you keep her.<P>If you don't for some reason, I am sure she will be fine. That is your decision.<P>Whether or not you have a new pet, you will still grieve for your loss. <P>It really does get better. My daughter just found some old pictures of Mandy and when I looked at them my first feeling was not of grief, but a warm memory. You wouldn't have been able to convince me I could feel that way on August 10th. It really hurts, but the pain does get better.

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[QUOTE]Originally posted by purplemag:<P><BR>I do love that little pup so much. I really do already. But, just as with kids, I'm finding myself not being able to do anything but make sure that little fluff is not biting or chewing on anything and not going to the bathroom in the house! <P>Well, wouldn't you go through with this with any new puppy? <P>Your H sounds like he is supportive of your decision to bring a new pup into your life. If he is not fighting you, are you sure you want to be fighting yourself?<P>Your H may be able to compartmentalize his grief and decisions better just because he is a guy or maybe he wasn't Billi's or the pup's primary care giver. <P>Certainly it is your decision, but at this point you may be complicating your emotions even more if you take her back. <P>Sometime life is just hard, and that's when we just hold on and try to get through.<BR>

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FHL:<P>Thank you so much for your responses. I really appreciate them. I am sorry for your loss as well with Mandy. I can only imagine the loss after 17 years. That just makes it that much harder.<P>Billi was a sickly pup most of her life. She had problems with her kidneys twice before and I think this time, it was just too much for her. She was a dog before she was a dog... she was sick as a puppy, so she didn't do many puppy things. <P>Getting Mini Pearl, I don't think was so much as to replace Billi as it was to "make me feel better". Which now I know, was totally wrong. My H and I had discussed getting a new pup just the night before. I told him, a good time would be around Christmas. But, then the next day, I walked into that darned pet shop. A place that I would not normally get a puppy in the first place. But, I thought it would be good for the new pup to have a good, loving home.<P>We have a 2-1/2 year old golden retriever, Katie Mae. She's been pretty good with the puppy...The puppy sees her tail and ears as her chew toys, and Katie thinks the puppy is her squeaky toy. Katie is gentle, and gets along with her fine.<P>I thought that was great. A companion for our Katie. But now, I think that I was too hasty and that I should be focusing my attention on Katie. Not a new pup. <P>I am so conflicted about this, it really is incredible. I can't even talk on the phone with anyone without them sensing something is terribly wrong with me. This is not good at work. I work from home, so it's good that nobody can see me like this!<P>I don't feel disloyal to Billi. That's not it at all. I got her kind of as a tribute to Billi more than anything. We got Katie when we thought that Billi was going to go the first time around. So I look back on that and think that we were really only planning on having one dog anyways. <P>I just talked with my H, and he keeps asking what it is that I feel and why, and I just can't answer him. It's something within me.<P>That's the toughest part. I know my H isn't fighting me over this, and he is supporting my decision, but it's within me. Did I make the right decision? Why did I do such an implusive thing? Why do I feel like I don't want the responsibility? It really has nothing to do with Billi. I know that, and I can feel that. For some reason, this whole thing is just ripping me apart. I know I have to find that answer within myself, but at what cost to me and at what cost to Mini Pearl? Is this fair to her? No. Is it fair to me? No. <P>What a horrible mess....

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Thanks, Sweetpea! I really ppreciate it. I am trying to crate train her. This is the first time we've crate trained a little critter. The other two my H had taken to work with him for the first few months to train them. This one is just too small for that. <P>She has plenty of toys and chewy things to chew on. We have a 2-1/2 year old golden so she has plenty of toys to share.<P>I'm glad to read your post, as now at least I know I am doing the right things with her, re the crate training and the toys and holding her as much as she wants to be. <P>I just don't feel as though I am prepared to be everything this little one needs from me. I think it's my own little post partum depression or something. I've never experienced anything like this. I've been frustrated with the other two when they were pups, but nothing like this. Even when Billi was sick as a pup, it was very heartbreaking to see her not be able to walk, and have to teach her those things all over again, but it never got to this point emotionally.<P>I don't know how conflicted I'd be if I took her back. Right now it's killing to me to think of keeping her and to think of giving her back. It's ripping me apart.<P>She's a good little pup. She's a little spit fire. Again, I don't think it really has anything to do with Billi. That's compartmentalized in a whole 'nother place for me. <P>Again, many thanks for your response. I really appreciate it. I think I just want my H to take her back, and just do it for me so I don't have to make that decision. And what a horrible thing to do to him!<P>Everytime I read a response on here, I just burst into tears again. I'm telling you, it's just the craziest thing. <P>Please note - anyone else who wants to repond, please do!!!! Don't let that last remark keep you from responding. Really!<P>What a pickle I'm in. I just feel so stupid for feeling like this. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by purplemag (edited October 04, 2000).]

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Did you make the right decision? Who knows? Sometimes a decision is neither right or wrong...it is just a decision. <P>Why did you do such an impulsive thing? You have a big heart and it went out to that little pup and holding her probably did/does make you feel better.<P>Why don't you feel like you want to take the responsibility? Well, because you are emotionally exhausted...and maybe you are a little afraid of opening your heart again? Plus puppy poop is just no fun!<P>Please stop beating yourself up with your doubts of your decisions. There are always pros and cons with anything. And even if you are "sure" you made the "wrong" decision to get her, reversing the decision may not be the "right" decision to make now.<P>You'll get through this...maybe beaten and bloody (not literally)...but you'll get through this.

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I know this is not the time to lecture you on your marriage or your inner strength...<P>But, I would urge you to defy the overwhelming urge to let your H take care of this.<P>It seems like it is your decision to make and you will respect yourself more if you make it yourself and deal with the consequences (or yucky part) than if you look to your H to bail you out.<P>I happened to be all alone with my dog when I had to make the final decision, but looking back, that was best.<P>I actually felt some kind of pride in the strength to do what I had to do when every fiber of my being didn't want to do it.<P>If nothing else, this is an opportunity for growth, even in the midst of this pain. You may feel weak and confused, but you are stronger than you think!

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Again, FHL, thanks so much!<P>I did talk with my H this afternoon at lunch. Apparently he's more attached to this little one than I thought. I thought that he could not care one way or the other. I think that's why I wanted him to make the decision.<P>He's even offered to take her to work with him for a little while to see how that goes, and to see if that makes it any easier for me.<P>I told him I was sorry for putting all this pressure and emotion on him. He said he's "guilty" too, as he didn't say NOT to buy the dog. As a matter of fact, I told him, he was the one who said "buy it!", when I had him on the cell phone as I was in the pet shop.<P>So, we're going to talk about it a little more tonight. I think if he can pitch in a little more, I could be okay about this. I just don't know yet. Having a "refund policy" of only a couple of days, doesn't help matters, as I have that over my head too. It's passed, but I think if they took one look at me, they'd help work something out.<P>So, for now, she's taking a nap in her crate. Worn out from playing with the golden. <P>My H says that he wishes I could see what rewards will be had from this little one when all the training is through. I'm having a hard time seeing past that, but I'm trying.<P>Again, many thanks for the reality checks. I know I sound like I'm wallowing in self pity right now. Maybe I am. And, really, I just have not been able to do that for a long time. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>--purplemag

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Hi Purplemag,<P>I'm late in responding but I wanted to let you know that I read your Post. I don't have much to add because it appears that these nice MB folks covered a lot of bases here.<P>I'm just offering a "cyber-hug" and hope that things will work out, one way or the other.

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Thanks, Survivor!<P>Cyber Hug greatly appreciated! Yep - these wonderful MB people - know how to soothe and kick you in the butt when you need it all at the same time. It's a great place to be when you're down in the dumps!<P>Even though it was off topic, that's why I posted, because I knew I'd get the kind of responses I needed to guide me in the right direction.<P>Hope all is well with you!<P>Again, many thanks!<BR>--purplemag

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Purplemag,<P>I think you are simply overwealmed.It is ok to feel this way -even understanable. Give yourslef a break here. God knows you have been through a lot.<P>If your situation is like mine, it has taken all that you have inside of you to fix your marriage. Your drained emotionally. Now heap on top of that the death of your beloved pet and now...the responsibility of a new puppy (and perhaps some self-doubt that has poped up due to marriage problems).<P>You may not feel very capable right now due to all of the bumps and turns you have experienced and are experiencing in your life. I don't know you but I get the sense that you fully understand what it takes to raise a puppy. You know much love you need to give them, the care you need to extend and so on. If you did not understand this, you would have no reason to be concerned that you could not provide all of this for her. You see how much it will take and you question your ability to give this to her now. <P>I get the sense that you are afraid that you will let this new puppy down. In my heart I know this is not true. I can see in your post that your first concern is for mini pearl and not yourself. This is what makes you the perfect "mom" for mini.<P>I think if you give this a chance you will see that you are both good for each other. Mini will show you that you can take care of her and give her the love she needs in spite of your fears. Mini in turn will help you through your grief and become a good friend and in the end you will both find out about new beginings.<P>Please keep her. She has found someone who truly loves her. That, is really all she need. The rest will work itself out. You are stonger than you know, and I think that mini will show you that.<P>Acacai


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