OK, I need this one explained.<P>Last night my husband (WS) and I were talking. We got on the subject of trust. He tells me that he trust me, but he asked if I trust him and I had to be honest and say no in a non LB way. Trust is so important to him. I told him I need time to rebuild the trust. I asked him if he could give me time, and he said as long as he sees improvement on my part in trusting him. This is the only thing he may not be able to handle if trust doesn't come back. I know trust will come back in time, but this is frustrating!!!!<P>OK now that hurt, because we have had 2 dday's and all the lies and deception on his part and to not trying to get caught the second time. In fact the day they had planned to tell me is approaching this month on the 15th. Odd that they had a day to let me down. But it seemed my husband kept extending that day each time it approached. This comes from the OW when she called me to inform or come clean as she said about the affair.<P>I need time, but why is that hard for WS to understand? I have some trust and he knows this and sees from my actions.<P>Thanks,<P>Judy<BR>

Judy,<BR>I think a counselor would be a great idea at this point if you are not already going.<P>The counselor can explain that your trust has been wiped away, not once, but twice, making it just that more difficult for you.<P>Your H is unreasonable to expect ANY trust right now. It is his job to earn it, not your job to give it blindly. <P>Your trust will build as over time he is accountable for his time--and lets you check often, gives you passwords for email, voice mail, you can read real mail, cell phone bills. Maybe even lets you carry his cell for a couple days--without prearrangement. He actually tells you when there has been contact (and you react with no LBs).<P>Every day with a WS requires some degree of trust--will he contact her, will he tell you, will he come home, does he love you, will he stay with you, will he do this all over again. Every day you have to put those things aside and act as if all those issues are ok.<P>There's a place somewhere in the Harley materials where Dr. Harley says spousal trust really isn't a goal, there should always be a healthy amount of distrust, it helps keep the marriage honest (he says it better).<P>In my opinion, with my own mulitple d-days, your H has unrealistic expectations this short of a time since the last discovery. Will he read SURVIVING THE AFFAIR or TORN ASUNDER (Carder) or AFTER THE AFFAIR (Springs) to see that your behavior is normal, and in fact, right on target for being betrayed?<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Judy,<P>They all do it, but WS have no right to DEMAND anything. Trust has to be earned!!!<P>I read something in a booklet, then found it online. Print it out for your h. Warning: It will probably make you angry as it did me. After me doing all the "work" on the marriage, my h now understands that he can demand nothing.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/ds/cb001/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/ds/cb001/</A>

Lor: Thanks for you response. I agree he is unreasonable to except it now. <P>But he is actually like a lot of BS, wanting the marriage to be totaled recovered. That seems odd since I would like that too, but now I am asking for time.<P>He has read some of SSA and HN/HN but has yet to finish them. It has been hard for him to read SSA since the pain he has caused is so great. How many times have the WS said that before, not wanting to be the cause of our pain, anger and resentment!!!!<BR> <P>schizzo: I will look at the site and print some of the information and take home and let my husband read them if he would like too.<P>Thanks<P>Judy<P>

bighope,<P>I have to tell you that H is being totally unreasonable here. There is no way you will be able to trust him like you did before. Trust will have to be earned. The only way he can do that is to be open and honest with you and let you see that he is trustworty. <P>He has to understand that you will never be able to forget this happened , twice yet !<P>I guess I don't understand how they can expect trust when they had it at one tme and made the decision to violate it. <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

I agree with Lor and B_D that only he can show you he is trustworthy. You do not have to trust him until he shows he can be trusted. That will be done only with actions. You, yourself, also would not ask to be trusted but demonstrate that you are trustworthy. <BR>This is a project I have undertaken. I had to remind myself this morning getting ready for work that I have allowed doubt to sidetrack my efforts. I still feel it will not be accepted even though she is the WS. The upside is that showing trustworthiness flows into ALL types of relationships.<P>rrunrr<BR><P>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.<P>Never take trust for granted.

Bozo_Deb: I agree he must earn my trust and he knows this, but trust so darn important to him and he has lost a lot of mine. <P>I was amazed by this, I needed to vent and needed to see what others thought of this. He knows he isn't in a place to demand (his words), but he hates the fact I don't have the trust he needs. <P>I told him that daily I give him trust when he leaves for work and to work out. I don't check on him recently while working out, I did at first and he knows this, very hard for both of us. This was one place Ow would show up, while I was at work or they would meet and he would come home as if he just got done working out. <P>It was an LB from him to me, seeing him drive on the street. <P>Thanks all,<P>Judy<P><BR>In all fairness to my husband, what started this was I saw him yesterday driving on a main street, but the ow's Mom lives close to this street and you can see her house from this road. He used to drive by and see if OW was there. I had a concern and ask him why he drove this way. He asked me what streets should he not drive on. I told him that I won't control him and he needs to do the things as they should be for him. This was an LB asking him why he drove on this street. I told him later I regretted saying anything, but I am being honest about the pain this has caused me. Maybe this is petty, but before I would avoid any conflict.<P>In the end our conversation ended up really great and smiles from both and the evening with the family was great. <P><p>[This message has been edited by bighope (edited October 05, 2000).]

Hi Judy,<P>As you know, we are in much the same place. Nearly every time I read one of your posts it is amazingly like my own situation.<P>Firestorm and I have had this same discussion regarding trust, and it is very frustrating for him. He says the same things about wanting to see progress as to my trust returning.<P>I have explained that I still do trust him about many things, but fidelity isn't one of them right now. I trusted him until he had the affair, now I don't at all.<P>I really think that he is being trustworthy right now, and that is why is so frustrated. I trusted him when he WAS cheating, now that he is NOT cheating, I don't trust him anymore.<P>Still it will take a long time to regain that trust, and betraying spouses need to somehow understand that is just ONE of the prices to be paid after an affair. Firestorm is definitely getting that understanding with the wonderful help of Steve Harley.<P>I hope things continue to improve for you.<P>Peppermint