Quick recap:<P>H broke off with OW Sept 15, however, there was not a No Contact Letter written and she continues to call, page, etc. I have told him, in a non LBing way, that it needs to stop and he agrees. However, he is resisting sending her a no contact letter. He also feels that it would be "rude" to not return her calls and pages. Needless to say, I find this rather irritating!<P>The last couple of days, I have been feeling less love towards him. I actually haven't been looking forward to him coming home in the evening. I'm scared that maybe I'm losing what is left in my love bank. He's sort of putting forth an effort for our marriage, but with the contact still continuing, I am having a really hard time putting forth much effort. In fact, the last couple of days I am much more upbeat and happy when he's at work.<P>Help---right now I want to tell him that if he doesn't write the letter tonight, then he doesn't need to come home tomorrow from work.<P>Maybe it's just been a bad couple of days, but I'm worried that his not loving me is rubbing off and I'm losing my love for him....

Hurtinginil,<P>Hi, lady. I won't be able to make it to Orlando. Sure would have liked to meet. Seems we'll be off to Calif with h.<P>You are a master of understatement. Irritating? How about infuriating, suffocating, disrespectful, misplaced loyalty...<P>Sometimes it helps to call things by their names, for me anyway.<P>Trying to remember here. Did you say they work together? Or is he resisting under the old "let's be friends" mode? It would help to know his reasons for not doing the no contact.

Hi Schizzo--sorry we won't be able to hook up at the end of the month. You have a great time in California with H!!<P>Yeah, a bit of understatement. It really pi**es the he** out of me, actually. Yes, they work together (H is her supervisor). I'm not really sure of his motivation for not sending a no contact letter. I think he just wants to let her down easy. Who knows, though, for all I know, this has all been a lie and the whole thing is still going on. It's pretty hard to trust anything he says at the moment.....<BR>

Hi Huntinginil:<P>Whatever the reason...best friends, co-worker, whatever!!!...for your own sake please stay strong about this contact ending for your own sake. Even if you have to ask him to leave...it is better to do it now then go through all this again later. <P>Having experienced a H come back and then leave months later because he has maintained contact with OW (1500 miles away...contact just phone calls...until she decides to pop back into the picture) I urge you to make sure this affair has ended for good and to do everything necessary to make sure it has before you get back into this marriage.<P>Force him to choose...make the sacrifice for you...maybe it is just being nice or polite...but to the marriage it's a backbreaker and he needs to understand this.<P>My H would have come home a few weeks ago, but I am still insisting that it's the highway for OW or nothing....and this time I mean it and will take the consequences, whatever they may be.<P>So stay strong, stand your ground on this...I'm with you.<P>Faye<P><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited October 10, 2000).]

I asked because it seems some contact is unavoidable as long as they work together. Any chance of a job change? Dr. Harley would recommend it to ensure the no contact.<P>What would the letter say if they do have to maintain contact?<P>I FEEL as Faye does, but there are many who would say continue in plan A rather than issue an ultimatum. I was fortunately not faced with that as it ended immediately after his full confession.<P>

hurtinginil,<BR>yeah, yu can lose feelings for H while in Plan A. I have, but I keep doing the actions, going through the motions. No positive response. No affection from him, except by mandate (the hugs at the door, morning and evening, and a dry kiss on the forehead at bedtime). I keep working on this becasue of the "Commitment" - I did marry him. How long? I don't know.<P>Maybe your H is afraid to write a "No Contact" letter because he is afraid to put something into writing, something that might have legal repercussions - evidence the OW could use in a lawsuit. Is she a subordinate of his at work? Could she allege that her being denied a raise or promotion is due to a lack of sex? <P>But the Not wanting to hurt her feelings, offend her, crap - I've gotten that too from my H. Not being able to accept invitations from her and her family, having to withdraw from commitments because it upset his wife that he have prolonged (could go on for years) contact because of entanglements with the rest of OW's family (I won't go into detail here). I empathize with your anger and hurt. Husbands and wives are due the position of being "first" on the list. Their feelings, as long as the right thing is being done, and as long as the feelings aren't inappropriate, need to be the first consideration of the spouse.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Thanks all for your replies. I've been really busy the last few days, so I apologize for the late response. I appreciate the advice so much!!<P>Update--H says that he told OW Tuesday that ALL non work related communication must end. He says she now realizes that there is nothing to hold on to. We'll see if he's honest with me about if she does contact him....<P>Faye--I know this is what I need to do, but it's really hard to come to the point where I'm ready to say, it's either her or me, make your final decision and then follow through with it. I just don't want to lose him, but can't take much more of this!! I'm giving him until the beginning of November, and if I find out there's been contact through this time, I'll be asking him to leave. Please help me be strong on this!! Take care!<P>Schizzo--The work thing really stinks. He's her supervisor, so there has to be work related contact. I asked him last night if he would consider getting another job, and he said that he's not sure. If it meant getting away from OW, I'd move, sell my house so he could take a lower paying job if he had to (which he most likely wouldn't have to do anyway), anything--I just want my marriage!<P>Belle---I hadn't thought of the legal thing of putting it in writing. I guess that if she's as devastated as he says, then maybe that's part of it. It just really gets me that he's so concerned about being rude by not returning her calls--what about being rude to his wife, who should be top priority?? I just hope I can hang on to my love for him!!! <P>He is affectionate at times, but only if he initiates. If I try, he doesn't seem to be interested. While we were sleeping last night, he reached over and put his hand on me--something he'd always done in the past--I just can't help wondering if he was dreaming about her. Wish I could get those thoughts out of my mind!! Best wishes to you!