I will undoubtedly get reamed for this, but as the betrayed spouse (14 month office affair, lots of hotel nooners), I would recommend only giving yes or no answers.<P>I.E. If he says "Have you ever been here with OM, answer honestly."<P>However, if he becomes obsessive/compulsive about details as I did (I had evidence for 6 months before my h. fessed up), he may ask for more than is healthy to know.<P>I now have pangs of gut wrenching pain when I drive by a dozen different cheap hotels on our interstate. Places we intended to go together that he shared with her (he figured if I wanted to go there, it must be a romantic place....)<P>Lots of pain can come from too much information re: the OM's physical prowess, romantic interludes, favorite songs, special secrets (like she would send 459 to his beeper to say I love you -- I have always used 143.)<P>I am soooo proud of you.<P>When my h. came clean, we started clinging to each other like crazy. Although the OW is still present and he has had contact setbacks, we are in this together. It sounds like you and your h. are too.<P>I agree with the others on your post, STOP offering to move out. Maybe offer to spend a couple of days at a friend's, then come back. My h. went to our pastor's house for a month, it was just 15 minutes away. He kept up appearances and even ate many meals per week with the kids and I. They never knew anything was wrong because he was traveling then for business.<P>Blessings, dear one.... you will be ok.<P>Come back to the Women's Bible Study.<P>You and other female betrayers are ALL WELCOME.<P>really!

alias:<P>Thank you so much for the well-thought advice. There's nothing better than advice that comes from EXPERIENCE. <P>As far as my husband asking questions, I have been able to answer yes, no, or give "minor" details that won't haunt him forever.<P>Last night, my husband took the couch and made me sleep in the bed. My husband told me that he is just "numb". I am, too. We don't have a clue as to what to say to each other right now because we're both still in shock. My husband is leaving for a meeting out of town...the timing couldn't be worse...we won't see each other until next Monday. My husband said that he's not sure if he wants to call me or not, but he will. He says that he knows that his love for me is "somewhere" in his heart...he just can't feel it anymore (???). It's painful for him to be in the same room as me or to talk to me very often right now...<P>I hate this...guess I should've thought of that before I slept with someone I wasn't married to.<P>Thanks again for the advice.<P>Jill

Jill, I remember your story, but I am a bit vague on you and your H's relationship other than I remember that you felt he was emotionally distant. Was that right?<P>I am concerned if you allow this space between you to become established, it will be harder to connect and rebuild.<P>There is probably a fine line between respecting his space as this all sinks in and allowing an even greater distance in your relationship, which was the weakness in the relationship in the first place.<P>Maybe you should encourage him to show his anger, his disappointment, his gut wretching pain. Make it safe for him to show his feelings.<P>You can take it...right? If you ultimately want to be close and want to be intimate, then that emotion is build in times of trouble as well as in times of joy.<P>All the best!

I would have to agree with not giving your H details. I thought I wanted them, but now I'm stuck with these images in my head, it's almost as if I was there. Don't volunteer information, answer his questions enough to satisfy him, but some things are better left unsaid.<P>If he wants space, give it to him, but sometimes just go and sit next to him. Don't talk if he doesn't want to, just be there with him through his grief. You're being there, willing to face his pain, will speak volumes.

<BR>I dunno. It would be pretty easy for someone to think that a WS was hiding something by refusing to reveal details. This is about rebuilding trust, and saying, "I ain't ever gonna tell you that, so save yourself the breath in asking," or even, "Your ignorance is for your own good, honey," doesn't exactly lay a brick in the foundation of trust. <P>I believe that Jill should answer all his questions to whatever level of detail he desires. However, I think she should make an arrangement with him whereby they delay details until some future point in their recovery - my guess is that by then, he'll no longer want to know the details, either.<P>Bystander

<BR>As part of my last d-day I uncovered one of my W's secret hotmail accounts. Even after all the other "stuff" hit the fan, she was adamant that I <I>not</I> see the contents of that email account. Unfortunately, I compromised on the issue and she took advantage of me. The email account and it's contents are now forever gone.<P>I'm at a point now in our alleged recovery that I regret not pressing the issue. I'm left knowing that 1) I don't know the extent of her involvement outside the marriage, and 2) she'll never tell me. I'm supposed to regain trust? I don't think it'll ever happen under these circumstances.<P>I'm left agreeing with Bystander. Jill, your H needs to decide what questions he wants answered and the level of detail he wants to hear in those answers. Hopefully he'll make good decisions, but the choice is his. <B>Any</B> reluctance is going to imply that you are hiding something, and that's not good. The approach I wish my W would take would be to say "Here's the story. <story> I'll answer whatever questions you have." Instead, I got "You already know everything you are ever going to know. Don't bother me with questions." Can you guess which approach will promote healing and which one will in all likelyhood destroy a marriage?<P>Slightly Sane<BR>