I have been posting for some time as the betrayed wife after my H's A and our recovery struggle. Lately though, I have been pondering about my own history as a betrayer, in my first marriage. My current situation has made me see what I did in a new light, and I thought some of my realizations might help other betrayers.<P>I married my college sweetheart - a great guy, but I was never in love with him, he was my best friend and made me feel very safe. But with no spark and alot of selfishness, I didn't stay faithful for more than a year - in the course of our brief marriage I had several affairs - some several months, a couple of one-night stands. After a year we separated, for me to "get it out of my system". I had counseling, and decided I was always going to be attracted to other men, but that I wanted to stay in my marriage. We reconciled, and in only a few months, I fell in love with his best friend. For 3 years, never acted on it or told anyone, including the friend. Finally I saw a counselor, who suggested I tell the OM how I felt, that he would probably say he only thought of me as a friend. But it turned out he felt the same way, and we had a PA for several months, and literally ran off together. My poor H never accused me of anything, even when I told him I was leaving. <P>So what happened to us? I really felt justified in my actions - I thought this was the love of my life, my soul mate, and the sex had been great. After only a few weeks, our once red hot sex life disapeared, dwindled down to twice a month. A huge example of the secrecy and intensity of the A distorting what we thought we had together. <P>Secondly, as much as we continued to rationalize what we had done, we both felt terribly guilty, and rightfully so. After a year, we got married, and I think we both felt we had to take this step to show the world that what we had done to the ex-H and friend was justified by our true love, that I hadn't left my H for just a fling. We lived in 2 different states, and in both towns, our repution followed us - we were literally shunned by people who knew our history. So our legacy of betrayal haunted us throughout our relationship. <P>How did it end? After about 3 years we got bored with each other, started to develop separate social circles, went out without each other, both had our own A's. The circle was complete. We finally separated and eventually divorced without much emotion. I was very lucky that both marriages were childless. <P>So I thought I was happily married to my third H, after 8 years and 2 great kids. <BR>Wrong! My H's 8 month affair shattered our world. Poetic justice? Karma? What goes around comes around? I don't know, I thought this was finally it, but it just goes to show you. So my not so illlustrious past caught up with me, not that it was fate. But now I understand much better why I did what I did, the folly of it all, the huge hurt I caused, and the price I paid. I could never escape the burden of the deception and betrayal, and I would caution all wandering spouses that things are not what they seem in an A, and the chances of happily ever after are not as great as you think, no matter how strongly you think you feel. Maybe this will help someone out there break through their own fog. <P><BR>

Everhopeful,<P>Thanks for bringing your story to the forefront. It tells a lot about what the WS goes through.<P>I believe that there are many forces that come into play when an A happens, and even though there are many things that are common to affairs, each one in unique in its own way. I also believe that although the actions of a WS provide a catalyst for great pain and suffering, it does not make them an inherently bad person. We live, we learn, sometimes at a great price. We make choices that are bad, but it does not necessarily reflect the core of what we are.<P>You learned a great deal from your first marriage. You committed to your present marriage with an understanding of what the traps of an A can be. Sadly, you have been on the receiving end of pain, but you did not deserve it because of your past actions.<P>I admire your honesty. I hope that your H will get the same clarity you have and your marriage will heal.<P>Bob

Hi Everhopeful,<P> THANK YOU for telling your story.....it sounds like you have grown and realized what is important in life. You deserve a good marriage and hopefully your H will see the light....I hope you don't think you deserve to have this happen to you........... LU