Got good notes from WS within the last few days, she plans on moving now January instead of November, asks me to rub feet/back/butt most every day now, BUT, still in touch with OM, saying things like "I can't wait to see you". I assume this is normal during the foggy stage. Am I correct? I guess when I see good signs, like anyone, I want to see more. But then you end up seeing more bad stuff concerning OM. I think their status is questionable, but yet they still obviously are interested in each other. It is hard to take, as you know.<P>Sometimes I feel like blowing it all and telling OMs parents about what he is doing, because apparently they would disown him if he had anything to do with a woman that is married/separated with two kids. But, thanks to MB I resist doing anything silly like that.<P>I just keep on Plan Aing, and hope for the best, but prepare myself for the worst. Is this whole thing about telling me nicer things but still saying things to OM normal? I'd appreciate any thoughts.<P>I got home from a hockey game tonight, and she just had to go out at 10:30, couldn't stay home for one night. It is so rare that I do anything, I thought maybe she'd stay home for 1 night. But no, not possible. Guess that got me tonight. I confirmed that her plans included OM and possibly others, but not sure.<P>Thanks alot.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited October 21, 2000).]

Hi Rick,<P>I am not sure of your situation - do you have access to your W email or voicemail to get all this OM information? I see you in a place where I was and I remember how excruciatingly painful and impossible it was. I had my H email password and read there when I was in plan A. Every love note between them made my heart sink, and every e-fight they had made me leap with hope. I was a wreck. And in the end it made no difference. I told myself over and over to stop snooping and it was an addiction almost impossible to break until it almost broke me.<P>I am going to give you an answer you are probably not looking for. Stop snooping and just do plan A for as long as you can stand it - then go to plan B. You just cannot tell in any reliable way where their relationship stands based on listening to messages or reading intermittent emails. And you will drive yourself crazy trying - I guarantee this. <P>Rick, this is hard enough. Take care of yourself by not making it harder. You can read anything into her stuff with OM - and none of it means anything until she or he is ready to end the relationship. You need to get into a plan A that just is - that you just do, not based on how she responds or what effect it may be having on her affair. And when you can't do this anymore you switch to plan B.<P>I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I have learned this through hard hard experience. My H was (and still is) the all time champion waffler I think. One day I just woke up and realized that if I continued to react to his conflicted state of mind (or even try to understand it) I was headed for my own breakdown. <P>I usually shy away from posts looking for reassurance based on the WS actions (e.g. leaving notes, accepting physical attention, etc.). I don't want to bust anyone's hope - I know that we all need this hope so much to hold on sometimes. But in my view, the truth is that all this could be hopeful, or it could mean absolutely nothing. If just shows that she is conflicted which you already know. The only thing that is meaningful to your marriage is the end of the affair. I found it much healthier for me to understand and accept this, and finally stopped looking for hope in little words or actions that never led to anything more...<P>I hope this doesn't make you sad. But sometimes you just have to hunker down and get ready for the long haul. And if she comes around sooner great, but you can't survive emotionally for long in this heightened state of expectancy. Let the OM stuff go, don't look or listen anymore so you can take care of Rick...<P>Starpony<P>

Thanks for your insight. It all makes sense. I do sometimes "sink" at the sight of things I read, but lately there hasn't been alot of information anyway. Usually I can manage to get back to normal quite quickly and ignore what I find out, then continue Plan A.<P>I know that not too much hope can be placed on little signs of affection, so although it is nice when it happens, I also know that it isn't over with OM, so she is very confused and can change each day.<P>Thanks again for your opinion, and no it isn't too harsh. It is good to hear about your experiences. I don't know your situation....are you in recovery, A, B?<P>Thanks.<P>

Hey Rick, <P>something that made me feel a lot more sane during the A was when I stopped reading so much email etc.. I already knew what was going on and didn't need anymore hard proof. I had tons of that. Everyday I would get up and promise myself not to snoop. Somedays I made it to lunch other days even longer. It's like banging your head against a wall. You know its there. You don't need to keep looking. just my take.<P>cleo

Rick, I have to agree with just letting it all go. I also would get my heart set on the positives in the beginning. My H would hug me, or stay here and would "remember" good things. But I also knew all that OP was doing behind the scenes....she was with him all day long...still is...and she's pregnant...and everyone is disgusted and yet...it continues.<P>Way back when....I decided to just stand out of the way. I distanced myself for awhile and was glad I did, because of how the circumstances are turning out...<P>But I know what is going on now, and I still plan A. It is for me. I plan A, am happy with his relationship with our children and continue to pick myself up and move forward. Not on, but forward.<P>I think for some, the affair has to die on it's own. I'm amazed my H doesn't see what the heck is going on, but he doesn't really know her, just what she is currently projecting to him, and visa versa.<P>No matter what, I wouldn't want my H to return if he felt he was losing his "soul mate". I don't think she is, and I don't know where I'll be when he figures it out, but at least I know I am trying my best to do the right thing for me and the kids.<P>Hang in there. Keep up the plan A. Don't fret too much about the OP... I think you will be fine. Don't pressure, just be supportive.

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>