You mentioned this to Heartache, but I was afraid it would get buried in the other post. I think you posted something similar not too long ago (I probably printed it out), but would you mind giving me a refresher? Sometimes I just can't get past all the negative thoughts and emotions. I want to move on!<P>(BTW, you have encouraged me many times. Thanks for listening and responding!)<P>------------------<BR>"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7

Me too!

fingers drumming....<P>we are waiting for that tennis lesson to be over.<P>We want to exercise our minds, afterall. <P>

me three!

OhMY_Marie...I'm beginning to wonder what that tennis instructor looks like.....<P>looking at watch...<P>

LOL...He's not that cute...but he has an awesome first serve and plays a *mean* game at the net. But, I love the challenge!!!...and I attack the game with a vengeance. Much like I've been attempting to *attack* my life recently...<P>Give me a few minutes to post the information....I've posted it before so I'm gonna try to do a search.<P>BTW, I didn't just have a tennis lesson...I also ran home afterwards, showered and made myself look gorgeous, and then met my H for a lunch date at his favorite Mexican joint .<P>I do have a life you know....LOL !<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown

Hey, maybe I should get myself one <P>I called my H at lunchtime and requested some date time and great sex this weekend, does that come close?

I want one, too....a life, that is! Looks like the whole family will be home all weekend. We're not going to know what to do with ourselves. Actually, I was thinking of making it a "perk me up" weekend--doing, reading things to encourage and lift my spirits, make me feel good about myself. Any suggestions?

RATS! Could not find it under "search"...blasted %&$#%@! computer--I hate when it's smarter than I am .<P>This is gonna be a two-parter...I'm gonna start with the basic concepts and then explain the techniques.<P>The book is called, "The Wellness Book: the Comprehensive Guide to Maintaining Health and Treating Stress-Related Illness," BY: Benson, Herbert, M.D.<BR>----------------------<P><B>What is Stress?</B> Stress is the perception of a threat to one's physical or psychological well-being and the perception that one is unable to cope with that threat. <B>And while you may be unable to alter the situation that is causing stress, you can change your perception of that stress and choose a more appropriate response.</B><P>The *simple* four step approach:<UL TYPE=SQUARE><P><LI><B>Stop:</B> Each time you encounter a stress, STOP, before your thoughts escalate into the worst possible scenario. We call this "awfulizing" (e.g., your boss buzzes you and says he wants to see you, and your thoughts immediately jump to "I'm going to be fired."). Simply the act of saying <B>"STOP!"</B> to yourself can help break your pattern of automatic response and interrrupt the Negative Stress Cycle (NGS) at the onset.<P><LI><B>Breathe:</B> After you stop, breathe deeply and release physical tension. This again is useful in breaking the NSC. Physically taking a diaphragmatic breath can be important because at times of stress, most people hold their breath. Taking such a breath can elicit the physiology of the relaxation response, and, while you concentrate on it, your attention is momentarily diverted from the stress. Even a momentary interruption is often enough to allow you to focus your attention and proceed to look at the stress in a different way.<P><LI><B>Reflect:</B> Once you have stopped the automatic cycle of "awfulizing" thoughts and taken a deep breath, you can focus your energy on the problem at hand and reflect on the cause of the stress (MORE ON THIS IN NEXT POST). The process of reflection is an effective tool in understanding the cause of your stress.<P><LI><B>Choose:</B> After you have stopped the process of responding automatically, taken a breath to divert your attention from the stress, and reflected on the stress and its cause, it is time to choose how to deal with the stress using coping strategies (MORE ON THIS NEXT).</UL><P>Whew! Thank goodness I type ~65-70WPM!<P>Next...<p>[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited October 27, 2000).]

Part Two: Working with automatic thoughts.<P>The first steps in beginning to recognize your automatic thoughts are:<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Identify your automatic thoughts in specific situations<LI>Do they have a customary inclination, pattern, style? Do they consistently seem to exaggerate or distort the situation?<LI>Do you usually blame yourself?</UL><P>The next time you feel that you are about to explode, try this: <UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI><B>STOP<LI>BREATHE</B><BR>-release physical tension<LI><B>REFLECT</B><BR>-Ask yourself:<BR> What's going on here? <BR> Why am I so distressed? <BR> Is this really a crisis? <BR> Is this currently happening to me now?<BR> Will worrying about it help?<BR> Am I jumping to conclusions?<BR> Is it to my advantage to think this way?<BR> Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? <BR> Is this how I want to spend my time?<P><LI><B>CHOOSE</B> <BR>--Ask yourself: <BR> What can I do? <BR> What coping techniques would work here? <BR> Do I need to temper my emotional response<BR> before I can act responsively,<BR> practically, and appropriately?</UL> <P>--CHOOSE ONE of the following <B>COPING TECHNIQUES:</B><UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>DISTRACTION-put aside a problem or stress until it can be dealt with more effectively (Scarlett O'Hara technique--"I'll worry about it tomorrow"). Examples: grab a magazine, turn on the radio or TV, splash cold water on your face.<LI>DIRECT ACTION: Just do it! Examples include confronting the problem, changing your environment, changing your behavior.<LI> RELAXATION--stop thinking and switch to something you enjoy doing...exercise, take a bath, bake a cake, etc.<LI>REFRAMING--the ability to look at an event from a different perspective. (e.g. the glass is half full -vs- half empty). *insert Marie's comments: my own personal favorites are sayings I've used over and over on this site: Your H didn't cheat because of who YOU ARE, but because of WHO HE IS....and, Your H didn't do this to YOU, he did this to HIMSELF. Or, if you're trying to restore respect in your spouse, say, "I disrespect my H's *actions*, but RESPECT the man that he is capable of being/has been in the past.<LI>AFFIRMATIONS: an affirmation is a positive thought which has meaning for you and is always stated in the present. (Affirmations can also be repeated thru out the day by themselves to help alleviate stress)...*Marie's note:I say mine first thing in the morning and before bed!. Examples of affirmations are:<BR>I can handle it. <BR>I accept myself as I am. <BR>I am at peace.<BR>I am taking one day at a time. <BR>I am becoming strong and healthy. <BR>I would rather be happy than force my opinion on someone. <BR>I can "let it be." <BR>I am doing the best I can. <BR>I love my spouse. <BR>I want my family UNITED. <BR>I am strong enough to do what I know is right for MY FAMILY. <BR>I CAN make it!<LI>SOCIAL SUPPORT: talk out your problems with friends, family, co-workers, professionals, etc. <LI>SPIRITUALITY: Call on your own personal belief system.<LI>CATHARSIS: Find an emotional release. Sometimes a good cry--or laugh--will release stress.<LI>JOURNAL WRITING: Write things down to get them off your chest.<LI>ACCEPTANCE:Recite the Serenity Prayer--"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Simply stated: make the choice to *accept* that it happened and you cannot change the past.<P>And, after you've chosen your coping technique, the last/final step is to:<P><LI><B>JUST DO IT!</B></UL><P>Final Note: Successful coping is a matter of the wisdom to achieve the delicate balance between acceptance and action, of letting go and taking control. It is also the art of choosing the right strategy at the right time. At times, it is neither wise nor possible to act immediately in the face of stress. In such cases, distractions, relaxation, humor, or acceptance may be the most effective until the situation allows you to act directly. There are also times when distraction is ineffective, when you need to act directly. You would not say, "I'll think of it tomorrow" if your house was burning down. Each coping strategy is effective in some situations and ineffective in others. Successful coping depends on your taking the time to Stop, Breathe, Reflect, and Choose the most appropriate coping strategy for the situation.<P>Hope this helps you guys! Of course, it doesn't have to be this long....everyone will need to cut and paste so that the technique *fits* their personality. Personally, I use the affirmations and the serenity prayer--these two things alone *do it* for me. <P>Surely, there's something for everyone!!!<P>Remember, don't limit yourself, don't get stuck...if you can dream it, YOU CAN BE IT!<P>Peace, ~Marie<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown<p>[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited October 27, 2000).]

Oh, one more thing....(geesh Marie, shut up already !)<P>If you like this kind of thing, seriously consider checking the book out at the library. The book has 400+ pages, and basically I condensed pages 177-257 in the above two posts.<P>~Marie<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown

Thanks, Marie. I know that took a lot of time. But I know other "lurkers" will benefit as well. Have a good weekend!

I found that something called "self talk" worked very well for me. It is pretty similar to what Marie posted, just a little shorter. My best friend is a counselor and she gave me the info on it. BTW, how great is God that years ago He put this wonderful woman next door to me and we became good friends! She was a special angel to me during those awful days early in the crisis.<P>Anyway.....<BR>When the negative thought patterns begin, you ask yourself "How does this thought make me feel?" and the answer is almost always "bad".<BR>Then you ask yourself "Is this thought productive?" and the answer is almost always "no".<BR>Then you tell yourself, either silently or out loud "stop!" and conciously turn your thoughts to something positive and productive. It feels a little strange at first.....especially if you shout "NO!" and there are other people around ....but it becomes more natural and can be very successful. I memorized some short encouraging scriptures to quote to myself when redirecting my thoughts. I also made a list of all the positive things in my marriage and read it each morning to begin my day....I then could quote it mentally to redirect my thoughts to something positive.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Marie - thank-you for posting this great info!<P>Haven't played tennis for six years. I too used to have a mean serve. Sadly, I picked up HN/HN back then, and about all I got out of it was that I should give it up since h did not enjoy it. Never mind I was playing during the week while he was at work anyway. And my little son was getting to much to handle, didn't want to sit on the sidelines in his stroller.<P>I had a real mean first serve, played right through the ninth month in my pregnancy. These old guys would drop shot me just to see me try to scoop it around the big belly! <P>I too am learning about self talk. Sometimes, it is like HGB said redirecting my thoughts, but for me, it is more often realizing that the CONCLUSION IS WRONG.<P>Like the triggers of the affair, I started to notice why it continued to hurt me. I would say to myself that I'm worthless since he did this to me, etc. NO, I've since learned this was his problem, does not make me worthless.<P>I'm keeping an emotions log:<P>EVENT FEELINGS THOUGHTS<P>This way we can go back and examine what is going on.<p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited October 28, 2000).]

Moving back to the top...so,hopefully, others can benefit from it .<P>This thread was on my mind this weekend. It really epitomizes how I broke out of my own *self-made* trap...how I took my life back. I can't remember the exact day I *woke up*, but I do remember taking a good, hard look at what I had allowed myself to become--and not liking what I saw.<P>Have you ever been around someone who is ALWAYS a downer? And, I mean ALWAYS. The sun could be streaming thru the windows and you'd say, "MY Gosh, isn't it beautiful outside today?!!!"...and this particular person would say in a down-trodden voice, "You know it's gonna rain later today..." And, you'd think to yourself, "Geesh, did this person eat [censored] cereal for breakfast, or what???!!!!"...which brings me to the end of my short story----the day I *woke up* was the day I realized, OMG! I HAD BECOME ONE OF THOSE TYPES OF PEOPLE...YUCK, BARF, HURL, PUKE...even I didn't want to be around ME. That was the day I RECLAIMED ME...I was gonna "find" Marie and resurrect her. I WAS A PHOENIX! ...AND, I HAD RISEN UP TO *DEFY* WHO I HAD LET MYSELF BECOME. <P>I *changed* in so many ways...<P>I started a "joy journal"...as opposed to my RANT journal . The purpose of the joy journal is to pinpoint at least ONE positive thing that happened along the course of each day.<P>I make a conscious effort to surround myself with positives in my environment: music, people, quotes, candles, etc.<P>I make a conscious effort to do things for MYSELF...to take the time to just do for ME.<P>I make a conscious effort to FIND the positive in any situation that I may face thru out the day.<P>I made a "humor kit"...this contains things that always make me SMILE. I have things in there like favorite cartoon clips, jokes, pictures of my kids when they were babies, funny sayings, etc.<P>I try not to box myself in...not to limit myself...specifically in my thoughts. Who says there's only one right way to do things? Who says, "you can't do it that way"....Who says, "you have to plan A or plan B?"<P>I say, "NO! YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!" I say you can challenge yourself...you can challenge your H...you can challenge your marriage...you can challenge you LIFE.<P>Question EVERYTHING. What are my other options? What can I do to make my kids happy today? What can I do to make my H smile today? What can I do to make myself smile today? What can I do to make the cat happy? What can I do to make a stranger smile? What can I do to make a grumpy co-worker snap out of it? How can I be a more positive person? How can I make something GOOD happen to everyone that comes into contact with me today?<P>Never say never. <B>Don't accept less than what you're able to make happen for yourself.</B><P>Peace, ~Marie

Dear Schizzo:<P>BTW, I think if you enjoy tennis than YOU SHOULD PLAY TENNIS.<P>Perhaps, enjoy this activity at a time when it would NOT take away from the time that you and your H would normally spend together (???).<P>Don't slight yourself. Don't sacrifice YOU!<P>Peace, ~Marie<P><P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown

Great post, Marie!<P>I was one of those genuinely cheerful people. I would come down the hallway in the morning and think to myself how much I loved my family, my job, my house (it is not big but has a beautiful view). I was truly happy and thankful for all that I had.<P>Then my H had his affair and I was shattered. I am still trying to get back this happy and peaceful soul I was blessed with. I am close, and some days I am there, I just can't keep it up when there is some kind of trigger, yet.<P>Although I never read this, I followed it pretty closely, even before the affair. I had to laugh at the distraction one, my friends marvel at how I say "I'll worry about something tomorrow" and set it aside. They have actually called my Scarlet Ohara. And I thought I was just procrasitinating <P>My Social Support is on this board, I don't talk about personal problems to others.<P>Spiritually has always been #1, but a close second is Reframing.<P>I have that down to an art form. I think I could work in politics and be a "spin doctor".<P>Anyway, thanks for the post, it was great to read all of this.<P>

OMM<BR>First, thank you for the mental exercises, I have started to use this to lift my lagging spirits. It works!<P>I also was the type of W and mom that got out of bed cheerful and ready for the world...until H became distant and 2 yr EA was apparent. We had been through so much stress, my father's dementia and recently his death, my step mother's death last Dec, my own cancer and treatment, and h's angioplasty. It was so much for anyone to cope with, but somewhere along the way I lost myself, at least as the naive happy person I was. I wonder now, who will I be when I get through recovering from this EA.<P>H is very kind and loving lately and over his distant, brooding attitude, but I can't say I will ever be over it. DD was 6-00<P>The Joy Journal sounds great, and I am going to start it in the back of my Vent Journal. <P>Today I will write: Before work, H made coffee and gave me a 20 sec. hug with a 10 sec. kiss. <P>Thanks again Marie, you are such a help here! L