Resilient<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]

I don't know what to say. I know that you love him, and you probably always will, but if after everything that you have done for him he can still file papers to be with the OW, then he doesn't deserve you anyway. It's totally his loss. <P>Lostva has given you a lot of good advice - I'd follow it! I don't really feel qualified to give you advice on how to deal with this matter, but I did want to you know that we are all here for you, no matter what happens.

{{{{{{{JO}}}}}}}<BR>I am sorry. Stay here. There are many friends for you here. L

I am so sorry! But, maybe it will give you both the freedom to go ahead and piece back your relationship. He will resent the OW, if that is why he is pursuing the divorce. And maybe, he will be free of the guilt to start again with you. I am sure this hurts deeply. Hang in there!<BR>

Resilient<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]

I don't know what to say....I just wanted you to know that I just said a prayer for you that everything would be OK. I will be thinking about you tonight.

Hi, Jo...<P>I cannot pretend that things will definitely be better, but remember Yogi Berra's statement, "It's not over 'till it's over". You did nothing to deserve this and you know that. Also, he said "yes, probably", leaving himself some wriggle room.<P>I don't know how much you know of my story, but I filed for divorce in September of last year because I couldn't get W to joint counseling, to work on the marriage, nothing. I just gave up. Her legal response to my filing was to request joint counseling. That didn't work, because W wasn't ready. Finally, this year when she started making noises about working things out, I started asking about withdrawing the divorce petition. First, she would say that's not what she wanted. Later on(mid-summer), she changed that to "if you want". Well, that's not the answer I was looking for, so I never did withdraw.<P>I just posted that the court has decided enough time has passed and they will dismiss the petition unless they hear from one of us in writing. W is not going to respond and neither am I.<P>I just want to show you that a "filing" is not necessarily the end. You still have avenues to pursue. Just delay things and slow them down. Maybe your H needs this process and the time(bought with your delays) to come out of the fog.<P>I don't want to encourage unjustified optimism, just discourage unjustified pessimism. Funny statement coming from me and if you don't believe that, ask Sheba...<P>Hugs,<BR>--DeWayne--

I feel your hurt in your words...HANG ON...we are all here for you, I wish I could say something profound and wise for you right now, but there are no words that can ease that kind of pain, when it gets to be to much...even before it does, put it in Gods hands. Stay here. One step at a time.<p>[This message has been edited by dumone (edited October 30, 2000).]

Resilient,<P>Sweetheart--even divorce (if that worst case scenario actually plays out here) doesn't mean the end--please remember that!<P>You're in the plan--he's in the fog, please don't let his actions cause you to waiver now. <P>Stay strong, Jo. Love and prayers are coming your way.<P>L <P>

Resilient<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]

<B>Resilient</B>, my dear friend.<BR>I’m so sorry to hear (read) about this. <B>But</B>, this is a big “but”, like <B>Heartpain</B> quoted: "It's not over 'till it's over". Jo, I know it hurt and it hurt badly too. But it’s not the end of your happiness. You will overcome this as time goes by. You know what some people re-married each other after they divorced. Be yourself Jo, just be yourself. Don’t give up hope yet. One day he will wake up from this. If he doesn’t, it is his lost. You will be fine. I know you will be fine. I will be OnOnOnOn, just to be here to support you. We all will be here for you, my dear Jo. Be strong.<P>OOOO<BR>

Jo,<BR>I know divorce laws vary throughout the states, but one of the things you can do is utilize the time limits to the max. Here once the papers are served the servee has 20 days to sign before more action is taken. The filing comes after that. In our state the divorce can be final in 60 days, but recently my brother & his wife both agreed they wanted a divorce and settlement took 7 months.<P>I totally agree that it isn't over until it is over. And then there's some doubt.<P>You didn't do anything to deserve this.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Resilient:<BR><B>How can he just stop caring about me like that? How can he hurt me like this, filing for D says you're not good enough for me, you didn't cut it. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Jo, if you don't mind me making a casual observation - hon, you beat up on YOURSELF more than your H and the OW combined! Please don't! He is NOT saying that you're not good enough or you didn't cut it, and he definitely isn't saying he doesn't love you anymore! Even HE said that divorce isn't necessarily final. I think Sweetpea is right - he's gone from having two women meet his needs (cake and eating it too) to one cutting off all contact and the other cutting off sex, so he's doing whatever he can to get something back. "Why not just come back to me" - because the OW is hounding him about it and holding their child over his head. She's using love, sex, and guilt to manipulate him. He has to find out for himself that it's a game she's playing.<P>If it does come down to divorce, that does not mean that it's the end. If it does come to it, try to look at it as an end to THIS chapter of your life together. The betrayals, the lies, the hurt, etc. Maybe the divorce will alleviate his guilt for what he's done to you. Leilana is right - you're in the Plan, he's in the Fog. Try to remember that, and stop beating up on yourself!<P>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited October 30, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited October 30, 2000).]

SweetPea and OOOO,<P>Thanks for being here. I'm trying not to be a mess ... I can't leave from work to go home, too busy. God I hope none of you have to experience this ... the pain is so great. When I talked to him it was like "him and me again", our voices were "US" ... I did ask him why he felt he had to do this ... I said "I haven't been doing anything to hurt you and Lana (OW), I've left you guys completely alone. He said he knows that and he knows that's just how I am.<P>I'm so stupid for being married to a man who cheated on me twice and had OCs and still forgave him. Now I'm getting what I deserve, that's how I feel. Like loving and unconditionally trusting someone is not enough ... and I was asking for this.<P>Just wnat to crawl under my desk today and hide. Hard to face my collegues and fake feeling okay.<P>Jo

Dearest Jo,<P>Please stay strong! I didn't visit the site all weekend, and noticed that so much has happened to many over it. His "yes, probably" doesn't mean that he has done it yet. Some things are easier said than done.<P>There have been so many that have posted here regarding papers being filed and then having them withdrawn at the last minute. That could happen to you, too. He could also change his mind about filing. Don't give in to the worst scenario, stay positive. <P>As always you and others here are in my prayers. Take care, MT

Jo, Honey, this may be a good thing...I know that sounds crazy--but things are no longer "status quo". Something is happening.<BR>Something is going wrong in his life and he can feel it...he knows it...he just doesn't know how to fix it. He thinks he's doing the right thing now. But he's actually floundering like a fish out of water, like a turtle stuck on it's back. And YOU aren't the one who put him in that position! Lana is!<P>(I'm so sorry if my username is any kind of trigger, Jo--if it's any consolation--it's the name of my DOG!)<P>I know it's painful to experience, Jo, but accept the fact that he IS floundering--find peace in knowing that the life he is choosing is not making him happy and he's just groping for the tree limbs as he's falling down. And he has to experience it, Jo. This is his chance to learn and grow.<P>Please, please--try to continue to be the only strong, steady and true force that he knows in his life. Your love, like that 1,000 watt smile of yours, will shine like a beacon and he may find his way back to you again.<P>We love you, Jo. Hang on, babes.<P>Aloha,<P>L<P>P.S. I wrote a letter to your H and hope it doesn't do any harm. But I really think he needs to know what the reality is and your hands are a bit tied due to LB considerations. It was also cathartic for me in that your pain is tearing right thru me as well.<P> <P>

Resilient<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]

Jo,<P>I'm so sorry for what you have been going through.<BR>I can't think anything to say to make you feel better.<P>This may not be a good thing, but just think that things are going somewhere. It's not in pause anymore, and like many people said to you, it's not over till it's over..<P>And please don't put yourself down no matter what. You don't deserve this, you don't!!<P>Hang in there, and keep posting..<P>HUGS,<P>Meg<BR>

Honey, if he doesn't remember you, why is he "chit-chatting" with you at all? And about this boy who is so very important to him. Isn't it possible he's not getting the feedback and support he needs from Lana when he has such discussions with her about him?!<P>(And please use "L" or "Lei" or "Hey you"--I can't stand my username right now!)<P>And how long can even great sex be a "holding" factor?<P>If all I had to eat were Butterfingers, after a while, even <B>I</B> would get tired of them. <P>And if she knows it is, and he stays with her, don't you think she might get to feeling just a teensy bit used and resentful? A little "prostitutish" to be used for sex to try and keep what she wants. That is also a little factoid in your corner. <P>And don't you agree she <I>is</I> acting desperately at the moment.<P>Your steadfast behavior and goodness is what's making him contact you. He's drawn to it like a magnet. Eventually he may see that that's what really matters in his life and he may decide he can't live without it. <P>Anyone can learn to have great sex. True beauty and goodness--now those are gifts from God. Sorry, Jo--but you've been blessed big time! <P><BR> <P>L<BR> <P><p>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited October 30, 2000).]

Lei & Jo - <P>I hope you don't mind - I had to add my .02 cents to Lei's letter to your H. I am so sad about this whole thing! This is NOT fair - why do good people have to get hurt like this?!