Resilient<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]

Jo,<P>{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}<P>It must be impossible to try to work when you're feeling as you do. I know I've cried many a times in my office. I know there isn't anything anyone on here can say or do that will take away your pain. We all know what it would take to do that.<P>This is the time when you really need to pull yourself together. Don't let Lana take you down without a fight! It seems as if your H is doing something out of obligation for his child rather than love for Lana. Regardless of whether they share a child or whether she provides him the sex he wants, without true love their relationship will not work out! <P>I think you should find out all you can about what the divorce procedures are in your state. What about just having a legal separation? Tell him you will not agree to a divorce unless he agrees to a period of separation (during this time he will see what life with Lana will really be like). <P>I'm just rambling here trying to think of ways to get your more time, time for him to see the truth of your love for each other. You still speak kindly of him, so he must be a nice man. He had to be in order for you to fall in love with him, right? <P>Jo, wish I could do more, say more for you. Just know that you are being thought of by many. And even though you may be alone tonight you'll be in the prayers of many of us here, praying that your pain will be eased somehow.<P>Blessings, Many Tears

I'm so dadblasted tired of this sh*t, feels like I've been going thru this thing forever, with very little relief. Total in all it's been approx 1.5 years ... I am so mentally tired.<P>Damn, what am going to say to him tonight on the phone?<P>Jo<P>

JO!<P>Stop! You are getting wayyyy ahead of yourself here. Take some deep breaths. You only need to deal with today--stop predicting more hurt. It is very possible it may never come to pass.<P>I know you hurt so bad right now but alot of us can see the bigger picture you aren't capable of seeing yet!<P>Someone who is vengeful, that wants to win at all costs, that's out to hurt you--she is making herself out to be an evil little witch and like all witches--everyone will eventually see right thru her! And what kind of life partner does someone with those above attributes make? I almost feel sorry for your H!<P>But for today, you are not divorced. And you won't be divorced tomorrow. This is a process that takes a long time. Your H is still married to you! He and the little witch are not legally united! Don't be so quick to throw the rice yet, Jo! <P>Don't get ahead of yourself. At this very moment, Lana is the one who is gnawing on the carpet in anguish and spite--the fact that you still hold so much power over your H is making her act this way. <P>THINK! Why is she being so aggressive in wanting to win and trying to hurt you? Because you are a VERY real threat to her "relationship". You have a much bigger hold on him than you can see, Jo. He's not going to tell you, and SHE sure is heck isn't going to tell you but LOOK at what's happening all around you! Look at the chaos! <P>Honey, you're doing something RIGHT! Even tho right now you feel like you're life is falling down around your ears--this desperate time is happening because you're dealing with a desperate OW who is prodding and pushing at your floundering H. And THEY are not HAPPY! <P>

Jo,<P>Go take a warm bubble bath or listen to your favorite empowering music, pray for strength and peace and do whatever has made you relax and peaceful and empowered you in the past. And keep taking deep slow breaths.<P>Be very wary and cautious and careful of what you say. The best thing is to just listen. Your plan is to be strong, show your love and support, and be all those things that OW will never be capable of. You are weary but you are strong.<P>Your H is a confused and delusional man right now. He sees it to some extent but is very afraid right now. Have pity on him if nothing else. No matter what he says. Remember, he has a witch on his back. <P> AND she most definitely may be listening. Show her how a real woman speaks and behaves. <P>Jo, you can DO this!

Hello Jo,<P>I was away over the weekend. I just read about what you have been going through. I really am so sorry that you have to go through all of these horrible feelings. I know what a dark place that can be. I read some of the Psalms when I was feeling especially low. I felt comforted by them. I know that the feelings are crippling. Take some deep breaths, a nice nap and maybe a shower or bath with some of your favorite aromatic bath oils. This can be very relaxing. He hasn't file yet. He might not even make it there. Don't kill yourself thinking about what could happen or what an evil wench the OW is. Concentrate on yourself and your H. Let go of some of your anger toward her. You dont need that extra baggage (take it from someone who used to carry a lot around). I mean this with all sincerity. Jo, you are resilient, just as you chose the name for yourself. You will perservere no matter what. Take care of yourself first. You'll be in my prayers.<P>cleo

Resilient<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]

JO,<P>I'm sending cyber hugs while you are talking to your H, so you can be strong and calm and brave.<P>I know how you feel.. because I was there. I felt my H was just throwing me away like a garbage and he didn't care how I felt etc..<BR>But the truth is, he's not doing this to you, he's doing this to himself, and you were unwillingly dragged into this mess. And it maybe hard to think like this right now, but just believe that it's your H's loss for not being able to see so much beauty in you. If he can't see that he doesn't deserve you. I know right now it's hard to see this way but I try to believe this for myself. No matter how much you are a great wife to him it happened because he's the problem NOT YOU.<P>I will go eat something so as soon as you talke to your H please let us know about it.<P>((((((((((((((((((((JO))))))))))))))))))))<P>Meg

Resilient<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]

{{{{{{{{{Jo}}}}}}}}}}}<P>You sound good! <P>An awful lot of people were pulling and praying for you today!<P>Off the top of my head, it almost sounds like your H wants you to "help" him get out of this. He is somewhat speaking in code, but it sounds like he is certainly going through the process to satisfy OW but telling you not to sign. That way, he can assure her w/documentation that he did his part but now YOU are the hold up. Your not signing will buy him some time that HE has no control over.... what, then, can she do but STEW. If nothing else, it will probably relieve some of the "pressure" that he is feeling right now. <P>This could work to your advantage because I would assume that legally, you have a certain amount of time before any action is taken w/o your signature. She will blow a gasket because you are "holding up" her life, but so be it. This will be the time for him to see her for the person she really is.<P>Glad conversation went better than expected!<P>God Bless,<BR>Enlightened

Resilient<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]

Jo,<P>You did great! I'm so proud of you! Please get a good nights sleep and take care of yourself and call me when you want.<BR>Laura

Hi Jo-<P>I am so sorry I wasn't here for you earlier. I think you were the first one to respond to my plea for help.<P>Jo-for whatever it is worth I am sending you big hugs and prayers. I know you will be OK. But this stuff that is being said between you and H has got you months into the future. <P>As you told me-live a moment at a time. You will do fine and truthfully you don't want to be married to anyone who wouldn't be happy to be married to you would you?<P>I don't understand................why would your H allow anyone to be so controling in his life? It sounds as though he is afraid of the OW.<P>Hang on Jo-you are a good person and if I have to drive up there and talk you through this I will!<P>HUGS<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

JO<P>Wow what a dreadful day you have had! I am really only checking the site at night--if I remember to log on before 9:30! Some weird thing, I can't after until midnite.<P>I know that now you realize that it is not you who is the undeserving. But I know where your feelings are. My H isn't filing, but he is confused. he was finally able to say that word tonite for the first time. And I got a real hug too! I love these brief moments. <P>You are a fabulous, warm hearted person who has the greatest faith and love I know. You are the epitomy of forgiveness. I hope to live up to your example. I so often am down on MYself for my h unable to confide- still after all these months. I have gone through the worst time, lately. But I lost the fear of losing, and gave him a boundry. To stay with me, or leave if he feels he needs to continue the physical side of the relationship. I know he is hooked on her, he talks to her every day. But that is all I am willing to take.<P>I have come a long way in a short time. When the Lord feels you are at the end of the line, he gives you another reel to use. You have had quite a few, but in the long run, the Lord helps us to find strength when we thought we could not do another day. <P>It is like the example of people in car accidents: The one free, lifts the car off the other victim with super human strength. I think true love is like that too. Superhuman. The Lord doesn't create such a love without purpose, if it is not for your H, then it is for another who will cherish you with incredible mountains of love. <P>Do not close your door, the Lord opened a window for you tonite, be sure you keep one open too--for yourself. You are great. I am praying for a peaceful heart and mind for you. <P>Beth

Jo,<BR> A year and some months ago, after 36 yrs. of marriage, my husband told me he wanted a D and didn't love me any more. He wanted to be with OW that he thought he was madly in love with. I put him off with one excuse after another, he was cruel and yet he would send me mixed messages. So I knew in my heart (even though everyone, including our grown children) would tell me to move on, that he still had love for me and that some how he would see that and come back. Well he did! He finally woke up out of his fog and knew it would never work with her and that He had made a big mistake and that he still loved me. That was a little over a year ago, we are back together and we are doing great. <BR> So there is still hope for you, I think you are doing good, I know your pain I've been there, I thought I would die, there is NO greater pain, but hang in there, we are all here to help you through it.<BR>God Bless <P>------------------<BR>Gayle

Jo,<P>I don't really have any advise. Just wanted you to know that your situation has been in my mind all day and I have been pulling for you. Hang in there. Something is working in your favor or he would not be so wishy washy. He is in fog deeper than some, probably due to the child in the picture. It seems as if he "chose" his words carefully, which is not always the most honest and open communication. Maybe he needs to get drunk like Sweetpea's H did and truth with slap him in the face. Is there a way for you to increase communication right now? Are you in Plan B accidently or on purpose? Is there a way you can send him a card with the "here's pulling for you sentiment." or a get well card or something?<P>Will keep you in my prayers?<P>Love,<P>Beth

<P>Jo! You did so good! <P>When the going gets tough, Jo gets going!<P> NOT bringing up OW was the best way to go. He has to be the first one to see her for what she is--you telling him how mean and awful she is--even if he knows it's the truth--will only make him defensive. Good grief! Only a total idiot would throw away a precious jewel for fool's gold, right?!<P>I don't know how much "time" not signing brings. But it really sounds like your H doesn't want you to. <P> He's just trying to appease OW and maybe he thinks letting you go would be merciful to you with all the pain he has caused you so far--but he's asking you not to sign because in his heart, he doesn't really want to break his connection with you. Right now you're the only good and true thing in his life--he can actually see that--he's not stupid. From there, maybe he can open his eyes further and face the painful truth of the huge mess he's made of his life and try to set it right again. But he'll never be able to do it alone.<P>You'll need to stay on course, Jo. He's weak. I don't see him standing up to that OW yet. <P>Picture him leaving the shore to swim out to another bountiful island he can see in the distance. Halfway there he realizes the island really isn't all that great--in fact it's pretty ugly--so he's torn. He swam all that way and he's so tired, and he made this committment to do it, so he's he might as well go all the way to this new ugly island that at least means shelter and rest--but he can't help but look back at the unbelievable beauty of the island home he just left. He could kick himself for his idiocy, he misses his island, he wants to go back, but he just put so much energy and time into going to the new island.<P>Right now, your H is slowing down in his swimming towards that icky pile of dirt in the ocean. He's barely treading water, he's so busy looking back at the emerald mountains and soft warm sparkeling sands that he left. <P>Poor guy!<P>Keep "sparkeling", Jo!

Hi Jo,<P>It sounds like the phone conversation went well, at least it wasn't the gloom and doom you thought it might be. Remember, focus on positive thoughts and energy whenever you think of your husband. Also, release any anger and hate you might be feeling for Lana, I say this because it will come right back to you. Be the bigger and better person by not allowing her to drag you down to her level.<P>It seems like your husband still loves you and cares for you very much. It also seems like he doesn't know how to get out of the mess that he put himself into without hurting anyone. He is probably afraid that Lana may do something that will ruin the relationship with his son. You did great by just listening to him, continue to do that. Show him empathy, don't give advice, reflect what you think he is feeling. Don't pressure him to come home, just continue to be loving and treat him lovingly. He is going to miss you so much, he won't be able to stay away much longer. <P>I'm so happy that the conversation went well. Things are moving and at least you know it's not at a stand still. You now have some idea of what is going on over there. And more importantly, you know that he doesn't want you to sign papers. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, find out all you can about the divorce process in your state. For example, ask what it would mean if you didn't sign those papers. What kind of waiting period, etc.<P>I'll continue to pray for you, be strong, be loving, be kind to yourself and to your H.<P>Blessings, MT

Even though you don't want a divorce you should at least consult a lawyer so you know how it all works in case he does file. <P>What little I know about WA divorce law:<BR>WA is a no fault state which means that unless you respond to the divorce petition within 90 days the divorce is automatically granted. Community property state in long term marriages(20 years or more) the economically disadvantaged spouse can be granted a larger share of marital assets otherwise it is 50/50.

Hi Jo:<P>Oh my, I've been gone this weekend and a lot has happened I see. The phone conversation last night was interesting....and confusing too. He apparently is being harrassed to file by OW...but he really doesn't want to.<BR>From her point of view the quicker she gets you out of the picture the faster she can get him tied to her. Probably the easiest thing for him to do is to seem like he's going along with her and file, but to encourage you to drag your feet to slow it down...this indicates to me that he's still confused about what he wants.<P>So, even though this hurts, remember it's not his idea...it's hers. And she is going to be having to LB to force him to go any further on this. <P>I say just kept doing what you've been doing, because he's still in a state of confusion. She has not been able to end that confusion...because you still have a hold on him...she's just trying to use the weapons she has right now to force things along. The longer you can hold out...the more opportunity he will have to see how she is trying to manipulate him.<P>I can't remember what state you live in. Is it Washington? Tell me what state and I'll look up the statutes and see what you can do to stall. I also would see about consulting one of those attorneys again to see what you can do.<P>Jo, I know you think this is the end, but it doesn't seem that way to me. It seems like he's still in the fog but not so deep in that he is totally blind...after all he's not forging ahead...he's hesitant about everything he's doing. <P>Keep talking to him...be the reasonable voice. Keep telling him you love him and understand that he is confused right now, and needs time to decide what is best for him and you are prepared to give him the time and space to decide for himself, but that you think seeking a divorce while he's in such a confused state is not a good idea. Ask him to take the time to decide for himself and not be pressured by anyone.<P>Jo, you're such a wonderful person...it's a crime that he can't see that right now...or maybe he does but he also wants this other.<BR>Only time can make him see that it's definitely not worth what he would have to give up.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye