Jo, I haven't had a chance to post in a few days, but when I read this, I felt I HAD to jump in:<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Resilient:<BR><B><BR>I'm so stupid for being married to a man who cheated on me twice and had OCs and still forgave him. Now I'm getting what I deserve, that's how I feel. Like loving and unconditionally trusting someone is not enough ... and I was asking for this.<P><BR>Jo</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Now, not to sound too harsh, but that's just about the silliest thing I've ever heard! Let's get this straight:<P>Your unconditional love for your H is a beautiful thing! The fact that he doesn't return it simply illustrates what a fool he has been. You should NEVER have to feel bad for loving someone unconditionally. Some people will never experience that feeling, and they are truly missing out.<P>Forgivness is another beautiful thing. The mere fact that you can forgive him after all of this just shows what a wonderful person YOU are! Most people would have to work for the rest of their lives to deserve that forgiveness which you so freely have given.<P>HE doesn't deserve YOU, Jo. If there were justice in the world, he would have to atone for his deeds for the rest of his life before he could be deserving of your love. <P>He WILL wake up one day and realize what he has lost. Maybe that day will come before those awful papers take effect. Maybe that day will come later when he finally sees what kind of evil witch the OW is, after she's wrecked HIS life. <P>Until that day, keep working on YOU. Realize that you will be just fine without him, and that you have an incredible soul that deserves to recieve the kind of unconditional love you have given.<P>Keep reading, keep posting, and we'll keep hope alive for you when you lose sight of it yourself.<P>cj<BR>

Resilient<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]

I don't know if it's Halloween kicking in or what, but I've been in a silly mood today. My little boy is dressed up as The Bear in the Big Blue House (he's 20 months old), and is just ADORABLE!!! <P>Anyway, Jo, I'm very happy for you. My H and I talked about your case a little bit last night. I hope you and your H start talking more...I don't think Plan B was the right timing. Plan A - definitely. OW is starting to crack, and he needs to have good, FRESH memories of you to help him with his decision. It seems to me like the less contact he has with you, the more distance is created. Personally, I don't think that's a good thing.<P>Anyway, back to my silly mood...if your H does come around, I have personally written a "Dear Jane" letter which he can give to Lana...it's ALMOST finished (hee hee). It will be one of my finer pieces of work . I'll post it tomorrow for your viewing pleasure (I'm sure you could use a good laugh, hon!)<P>Best Wishes!<BR>Ali

OMG OMG OMG JO<P>I don't log on for a few days and whoosh...<P>You handled everything beautifully...WAY TO GO!!!<P>I'll post more later...after eating most of my son's trick or treat candy :P/<P>I'm so proud of you.<P>allison

Hey CB,<P>Thanks so much for being there yesterday for me ... felt like I was hanging by a thread. <P>You're son sounds so adorable, can you please post pics of him, maybe all three of you guys. I'd love to see you.<P>You are such a character, CB ... composing a "Dear John" letter to Lana. If my H left her we'd need to move to another counrty and even then she'd make our lives hell. Can't tell you the enough of what she's capable of, I feel mostly for the boys, Lil Stephen <yeah, she named her son aft my H, his exact name, nice, eh? and she was the one night stand woman, the groupie>. The boys are going to suffer so much from all this trauma ... I'm planning on doing whatever it takes to protect Ryan <OC #2> from all this crap. He's a beautiful child and has so much potential. Just lucky that his mom and her family like me so much.<P>Since you told your H about my situation, what was his take on it, just curious. I can imagine he says to cut my loses and move on, as most ppl do.<P>Thanks again CB, we're all so blessed to have someone as fiesty and wonderful as you in our corner of the world.<P>Be well.<P>Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 31, 2000).]

Hey Jo,<P>Ok, what do you mean you feel lucky that OC's family likes you?<BR> <BR>You come here, day after day, no matter what you are going through and inspire each of us. They, Jo, are lucky to know you. This child is lucky to have you in his life.<P>It's puzzling to me why we, the betrayed seem to feel so much shame. I feel it...every time I hide my bare ring finger when I see someone I know. How I don't visit with my neighbors any more...they must see me as the "dumped" wife. Why do we have to tell ourselves over and over again that we are OK, that we are loveable...I mean, I can see it so clearly in you, but we just can't believe it in ourselves.<P>Theres a passage from a book I'm reading that I want to copy here for you. It's helped me, I hope you don't take it wrong...it's not so much meant as a "moving on" sort of passage, but something that helped me let go of what I can't control.<P>"We are like children building a sand castle. We wmbellish it with beautiful shells, and pieces of colored glass. The castle is ours, off-limits to others. We're willing to attack if others threaten to hurt it. Yet despite all our attachment, we know that the tide will inevitable come in and sweep the sand castle away. The trick is to enjoy it fully but without clinging, and when the time comes, let it dissolve back into the sea."<P>The book is called "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. It's helping me some.<P>Jo, it's amazing to me how you and H still connect when you talk. There is, as you know, something still there...big time, and he damn well knows it.<P>I still struggle with Plan B...and I know you do too. Is it doing more damage than good? I don't know...I like your plan to call and talk to him. He remembers the good times Jo, and that means a lot. He is a man in turmoil...he has no idea what is right here. I think he must have strong feelings for his child and OW's other kids. That is a strong bond...and to be honest, sometimes I've wondered if his place is with his child, but then I read your posts and know in my heart that he should be with you Jo. You didn't manipulate him to get him to marry you...you accept these children...NO other woman will ever be able to do that.<P>Please stay as strong as you are...your bouncing back skills amaze me every day hon. Even if you do get papers, remember, they are mere papers. It will not be the end until YOU decide it's the end.<P>~allison

Hey Allison,<P>I like the passage you quoted. I understand and agree with it. I really like the analogy.<P>I don't know why we, the WS, feel all this shame. I feel like a failure and an outcast, especially where I live. Gig Harbor is a heavy family oriented town, I feel like I don't belong at times. And watching all the family activities and all these wonderful moms and dads with their kids on the week-ends really hurts.<P>As far as Plan B goes, I share your sentiments, Allison. I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not. I somewhat feel that if I wouldn't have avoided Steve for those two months things might be diff right now, but I just couldn't, I was loosing it and I might have lost my job. The Plan A I did was so long that by the time he moved out I had no emotional or physical strength left. So I guess I didn't have a choice at the time. Plan B really does make me wonder ... I mean, you're actually pushing the WS at the OP and cutting them off from all your support, they get angry. I know Steve needed me, he said many times in the last two contacts ... he didn't actually say he needed me just that he tried calling me many times and I would not talk to him. He called for a reason, and I don't think it was just to check on me. I think he wanted my input, my support.<P>So Allison, knowing every situation is diff, do you think you might want to consider going back to Plan A? How long did you do Plan A?<P>I've thought about the possiblity that Steve does belong with his OC but if the OW was someone diff, someone more normal, someone who wouldn't deliberately try and hurt someone out of jealousy or hatred thu revenge, then I'd say "okay", I'm letting go, this is what should be .... but she isn't a good person, she tries to portray herself that way, but she is devious and manipulative. I don't assume this, it's fact. I listened to her for several months on my H's voice pager, she was so obviously manipulating him that some times it was laughable, but in a sick twisted way. I'd wait to see how my H would react aft a voice page, thinking he would be disgusted and embarressed, but instead he fell hook, line and sinker to all of her ploys, I was dumbfounded at his reactions. Truly!<P>So, in essence I'm saying that if the OW was a stable truly loving human being, I wouldn't be so adamant about how wrong this is, even tho it is all the way wrong. It's just that I can see into the future and I see his life becoming miserable along with the poor kids, they are the single most important issue in this whole sorted mess. They are the ones who are going to suffer the most because the two adults in this situation are being so self absorbed and delusional.<P>If anything those two (Steve and Lana) should date ... for many years and not be so involved to where their building a family ... they don't know what the future holds regarding their relationship and they're dragging the kids along with them, making them experience all this horridness.<P>Plus, poor little Ryan (OC #2) he is being left out of everything. Steve does not call or see him and Ryan's mom is livid w/Steve that he's not participating in Ry's life. She said that when Steve and I were together that Ryan was with us every week-end and now it's seldom. And now Ryan is having probs in school, Steve told me that last night.<P>Okay, so here I go again, I blaming Lana for this, she wants Steve all to herself. She doesn't want Ryan around because, like me, he doesn't fit. Am I horrid for saying this?<P>Oh MAN, this is a long one, eh? Getting alot off my chest tonight.<P>Hey Allison, how'd the kids do with Trick or Treat? Did you get pics for us???? Hope so.<P>Love you AZ ... I'm so happy I've got to know you ... I hope you are well.<P>Jo

Resilient,<P> This is my second marriage, and this one's in trouble. The first thing I thought after my wife told me she'd had an affair, is "what's wrong with me? Why can't I make a marriage work!" My first wife left me for another man, and my present wife had an affair and got pregnant. It can't be everyone else, there has to be something wrong with me, right?<BR> There IS something wrong with me, I'm human. I make mistakes. I'm not perfect. I'm responsible for my actions.<BR> But I am NOT responsible for the actions of others. I have absolutely no control whatsoever over the actions and behaviors of others. Everyone is ultimately responsible for their own behavior!!<BR> We're not perfect. All we can do is the best we can do. <P> And you did.<P><BR> God bless you,<BR> <BR> <P>------------------<BR><P>Lynton

Hi Jo:<P>Well, here's the scoop. Here's a reference to the statutes on dissolving a marriage in Washington: <A HREF="http://search.leg.wa.gov/wslrcw/RCW%20%2026%20%20TITLE/RCW%20%2026%20.%2009%20%20CHAPTER/RCW%20%2026%20.%2009%20.030.htm" TARGET=_blank> Sec. 26.09.030 Domestic Relations Code </A><P>If I reading this right, a decree can't be entered until 90 days from the date the petition is filed or the responding party is served with process. In addition, the court has the option, if requested to do so by one of the parties, of referring the suit to the family court, ordering additional counseling for sixty days, and then having the final hearing. At that final date, there appears to be no way to stop the divorce if one party still wants the divorce.<P>At the very least, with no further stonewalling by either of the attorneys with legal shenigans, that could give you 5 months from the date of filing to work things out, depending on the court schedule.<P>That's better then the 60 days we have in Texas from start to finish with no required counseling at any time.<P>You can't stop service on yourself, but you can refuse to go along with the divorce, and ask for the counseling. The court doesn't have to grant it but it should if you can convince them it is for the best. Your attorney could possibly stretch this out for a year or so, so please don't even consider not consulting one on this.<P>I wiped out by this weekend so I'll try and get back to you tomorrow about how things are going. <P>Meanwhile, please don't give up on Steve. Just look at him as a stupid fool that believes that you can build a relationship on sex alone. As they say, people who don't learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them. Perhaps this time he will learn...different teacher, same lesson...time he learned, huh.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye<P> <P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited November 01, 2000).]