In my previous posting (Half a world apart,Oct 30) I related how my W of 20 years, who is still in Hong Kong, where we have lived for all that time, has suddenly become embroiled in a EMA with a visiting American businessman, who has already made it clear that he has no intention of abandoning his marriage - just helping to ruin ours.<P>The problem is that, unbeknown to my W, I know the OM is visiting Hong Kong next week. I even know his name, his company name and where he will be staying - all unbeknown to W.<P>As I see it, I have several options:<P>1 To let his visit pass and ignore it in the hope that the lustre will have worn off and W may realise that it is a no-win situation;<P>2 To order some flowers for her, to arrive the day before he does, preceded by an email greeting card (I am in Australia)<P>3 To confront her, either by phone or by email. This, I think, is the worst, but I would value some opinions.<P>Thanks a lot<P>------------------<BR> leadboot@bigfoot.com

Yep...<P>Plan A says ...<BR>Go with the flowers!<P>But I have a question...<BR>...when can you meet with your W <B>personally</B> and bring the affair out in the open?<P> <P>Jim

IMHO Your wife needs some of #1, alot of #2, and none of #3. Doing #3 would be for your benifit not hers. I the end it would hurt you too. <BR>She will figure out everything, let OM be the one to LB. How are you going to win offering her unsolicited advice,about something she doesn't want to see? If he doesn't want to end his marriage for her,it shows him as selfish. You need to show her your unselfish love, that your good for her, there for her,and value her. I know it's hard to do now. Decide how much you love her and go from there.<BR>prior to and during his visit you might want to increase your contact with her a bit so you can put some positive time in with her. <P>Be good to yourself too, or you'll get angry, and it will show.<P>Good luck.

Hey Ozboots,<P>sorry you're here, but hello to another fellow Australian. there's a couple of us here.<P>I say go with the flowers. And more flowers. And then some more flowers. I think you get my drift.......<P>The temptation for #3 is huge, I know, but in the end it won't get you anywhere. There are so many wise people here, people who I admire and look up to. I wish I had listened to them more.<P>take care of you, and I'll say a prayer for you.<P>Bonnet<P>

To those who have replied, many thanks for your advice.<P>The first lot of flowers will be delivered tomorrow morning (I believe that OM arrives from TYO tomorrow night).<P>The florist has offered a 20% discount on future internet orders, so will likely be getting a lot of repeat business from me.<P>To NSR, I must reply that I would like to meet W face to face, but she will not let me stay with her in HK, even if I sleep in the spare bedroom, and she will not come here because she says she cannot spare the time from her work. So this is a bit of a Mexican stand-off right now.<P>However, one positive development is that I wrote a long letter to W's sisters, not asking them to intervene, but just to understand my side of the story and to pray for us. Have received an immediate response - very positive - and look forward to a fuller one later this week.<P>To Daniel, thanks for your advice. I know option #3 was never a runner, but I had to consider it in order to eliminate it.<P>I am increasing contact - by email anyway - with cards, especially, but am taking care not to pressurise W for any reply or response. Telephone contact is a no-no at the moment because we both lack the self-control to avoid an argument down the phone lines.<P>To Bonnet, as you can see, I am taking the flowers, flowers and more flowers route. <P>And I have through prayer and other means developed a very positive attitude. (By the way, it was as a FS that I had my introduction to HKG in the 60s)<P>Thank you all for your concern and your prayers. As they say, watch this space.<P>Peace be with you.<BR><P>------------------<BR> leadboot@bigfoot.com