I found out in May that my wife was having an EA with a guy"friend". I taped there last conversation that they had on the phone and heard her telling him that she loved him and she wanted to move out. I also found a calendar in her pocketbook that had in it when she first talked to him and when they first kissed. She also had marked down each time she talked to him and when he "stood her up". I confronted her about him and she admitted that she met him after work and had kissed him several times but said there was nothing more. I caused some serious problems for the guy and talked to him on the phone and he agreed to never talk to her again. I also talked to her mother to see what she knew about it and she claimed to know nothing but I later found out by listening to her phone calls that her and her mother were talking about me behind my back. She was telling her mother a bunch of lies that I was treating her bad and she wanted to leave me and her mother was believing this but she told her not to leave me. In the meantime I talked to her dad and he sat her down and told her that she had a resposibility to our 6yr old and our 3yr old till they were 18 and after that she could do whatever. She quit her job as a cashier in a grocery store and stayed home during the summer. She still was telling her mom that she wanted to get in contact with the OM. Her badmouthing me went on till August then she quit saying anything about me. The EA went on from the last week of March till June 7. Our marriage seemed pretty good till March then she started treating me bad ,trying to argue,acting liked she was mad at me all of the time. If I went to kiss her, she would turn her head. The only thing good was our sex life(2-3 times a week). Then after I found out about him she said we were going to have sex 1 time a week. She told me she was sorry that she had made a mistake but she told her mom that she must have slept through her affair because she didn't remember a thing. Her mom said to her that she didn't see why I was making a big deal over her kissing him. She even said to me that it was funny that it took this to bring us closer together. I know that she has not had contact with him since June 7. During summer she acted ok but she didn't want me showing affetion to her. She treated me ok but no affection. Sex was hurry up and get it over with and it still is. I forgot to mention she gave me a letter last year telling me that if I didn't help her with housework and taking care of the kids she was going to leave. I had been getting meals and doing housework before this. She told me 6 months later since I hadn't started to help out she was going to make my life a living hell. I guarantee she has. Back to present she started a new job as a teachers assistant for 2 days a week for the last 2 months. I found this website in August and have been able to understand stuff and have been doing plan A. I thought that it was time that I could get her to fill out the EM questions so I gave them to her. She got all bent out of shape and said she wasn't going to fill out a survey on our marriage. She said there was nothing wrong with our marriage and she thought things were going fine. She said the questions were probably only for my benefit. I told her that it was for both of us. I asked her if she would like to read a few books on marriage and she said she wasn't going to read those stupid books. I had asked her before about going to counseling but she refused. She doesn't feel she did anything wrong. She will tell me that she loves me but only after I say it first. She is very selfish and she always "tells" me to do things. She doesn't show me any affection or admiration. There is a little bit of affection during sex. When I give her a kiss goodbye she doesn't act like she wants to give me one. If I go to hug her she pulls away or snuggle in bed she says she gets too hot. I'm getting to the point that I'm falling out of love for her. I just don't know what to do.

I just wanted to encourage you. You are doing the right thing by reading books, trying to seek counceling and trying to make your marriage better for the both of you. She thinks the OM is the "perfect man" and is confused about what is really important in life. Good luck and don't loose hope.

Is it possible that she is still in withdrawal from the OM? If she is that could lead to her lack of desire to work on things. You say she is definitley not talking to OM any more?<P>It's hard to get the WS to do anything positive for the relationship when they are still in withdrawal. I am sorry that she seems to be depleting your love bank. That is one of the hardest things about Plan A. Keep working your plan. June wasn't too long ago. You may see signs of recovery soon enough.<P>cleo

She definitely has not had any contact with him. I think she resents me for ruining their socalled friendship. She said he was her bestfriend.YUCK! She had told her mom that her and I would never be anything more than a mother and father to our 2 boys. She also told her that when the boys turn 18 she was outta here. She had mentioned to her mom how much she missed her friend for acouple months but now she hasn't said anything since August. Her dad has a bad case of depression and that is on her mind now. He told her he wanted to kill himself. He told her mom that she should get someone else better than him. She told her mom that if she got a new man that she would call him an SOB because he wasn't her daddy. I wonder what our boys would have called the OM if it had gone on. She told me not to worry about our marriage because we would be together for a long time. We have been married for 12 yrs. She gets mad if I mention anything about improving things.She has no idea how much it has hurt me since I found it out. She says we get along better if I leave her alone. Another thing she told her mom when she got the new job was that there were no men working at the place. That sounded like she was already looking for someone else to persue. She never asks me to do anything she tells me to do it. If I do something then she criticizes me about something. This week I have made meals every day except one. But she says I don't help her. I just don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone have suggestions?

TLB,<BR>You are in a tough spot.<P>In some ways an EA is even more of a fantasy land than a PA...the possibilities are endless and there is so little reality. This OM can be anything she dreams he can be, or anything he told her he is.<P>And since she admits to kissing, the PA was on the verge of beginning. Teenagers hardly stop at kissing.<P>So, what can you do? It sounds like you're trying the right things, Plan A, reading books, meeting her needs. I also suggest reading THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Chapman. I was able to identify that my H & I don't show love at all the same way, or receive it the same way.<P>With the counseling, I recommend going by yourself, if she won't go. She has complaints about you? Show her you are willing to change (even if you feel like you've already shown that). I went for quite awhile without my H, it helped me deal with the anger, frustration & betrayal. Then, he later joined me, and for awhile, went without me. He expressed curiousity for what I would be doing in counseling, or hearing from a counselor. And, it will help you set acceptable boundaries, even as you do Plan A.<P>We didn't use the Harleys from this site, but I've seen remarkable things from people who have.<P>Give Plan A some more time. If she isn't seeing the OM, her withdrawal should be on the wane after 5 months, and your efforts being noticed. If she is in some kind of contact, it will be very difficult to get through to her.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

JUST A THOUGHT...<BR>I have a co-worker whose wife is living with depression, though, she is being treated.<P>I heard him mention recently that there are times when it is bad enough sometimes that, even during a vacation, she remembers only the bad things that occured on the trip but not the good things.<P>Some of the actions you have described reflects some of the attitudes and actions from my wife. I feel she may never see that she did anything wrong. <BR>I recently was contacted by her childhood friend who was totally unaware of our situation and had not been contacted by my wife for eighteen months. I told her I will continue to keep the door open.<P>You mentioned about her father's depression. If things are the same for your wife months from now, it may need to be looked at.<P>rrunrr<BR>