Hello and welcome Hopefully Coping,<P>I am sorry you have had to experience infidelity, but at least you have found a place with many people who can truly understand what you are going through. Over the next few days, many members will read your post and offer their advice. You will probably find that at least one of those members has a situation very similar to yours.<P>My husband had an affair, so I know the hurt and disappointment you are dealing with. My husband confessed the involvement to me before they had sex and promised to end the affair. He did end it for a while, but then they started talking again and the affair reignited. This time it did not end until the other woman's husband discovered the affair and told me about it. This time it had progressed to a sexual involvement. However, my husband did not want to separate from me and ended the affair for good (I hope) on August 16th.<P>I say all this to let you know what my experience is so that you can take my advice to you for what it is worth. In answer to your first question, your wish that she will end contact with the other man is perfectly reasonable and understandable. But before you suggest it to her, consider all of her possible responses. It would be wonderful if she agreed to end the other relationship, but what if she refuses to stop seeing him? What will YOUR next step be? Consider all of the possibilities and have your responses ready. Be sure that you do not give your wife an ultimatum unless you are certain that you are prepared for the possible end of your marriage and any relationship with her.<P>Secondly, before you contact the other man, consider what your wife's reaction to that would be. Many times it has the opposite desired effect. I confronted the other woman after I first discovered her involvement with my husband. She cried, apologized, promised that it was a one-time mistake that she would never repeat, etc., etc., etc. Of course all that turned out to be lies, and made her more determined to insinuate herself in our marriage. By letting her see how devastated I was, it let her know that she had the power to make me feel that way, and she liked it.<P>Perhaps you could reason with an honorable and decent person, but if the man was honorable and decent he wouldn't be having an affair with your wife. Besides, you have already mentioned that this is your wife's second affair. Your real problem is with her, and she is the one that needs to change. Until she does, even if you could end this affair, she will probably just find someone else to take his place.<P>I am not saying these things to hurt you or to disparage your wife. But I have been on this site for nearly 14 months now and I have seen this pattern before many times. I would highly recommend that you avail yourself of the telephone counseling services from Marriage Builders. It is different from any other counseling we have done because it focuses strictly on saving your marriage.<P>I wish I could be of more help to you. I'll be watching to see how things progress.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint