This is my first post so it will be a long one. D-day for me was May 1. My wife disappeared for a long weekend missing our daugheter's 21st birthday. While she was gone I broke in to her e-mail accounts and chat programs. The usual lies followed. That EA/PA continued until she learned that the OM was married. In June she moved out. There was talk of a reconciliation but she said that she never had a chance to date as a young woman and wanted to experience what she missed. Cyber affair 2 followed rapidly. She had OM2 spend a week at her house in July. Shortly before she met with OM2 I began Plan A. I have seen progress in the way she deals with me. We see each other almost daily. I regularly send her e-cards and poems, and surprise her with flowers and small gifts. At the end of October we went to visit our daughter at college and a one day trip became a 4 day weekend. I surprised her with champaign and candles and some new lingerie she was delighted with the surprise. In some ways we are closer than we have been in years, she reacts favorably when I hug her and she expects a kiss when I leave. However, the affair with OM2 shows no sign of slacking off. I'm having the usual hard time dealing with the situation. (Somedays this board is all that keeps me going.<BR>My 1st question is this. I haven't even mentioned OM2 for several weeks now. Do I tell my W that she has to decide what she wants and that breaking off all contact with OM is necessary for us to move forward?<BR>2nd Question. Would contacting OM and explaining that I love my wife and want to restore our relationship and ask him to realistically look at their relationship be the kiss of death?<BR>If neither or these alternatives are advisable is there anything else I can do to move our relationship along faster?<BR>

This is a tough one and I suppose that's why there haven't been any responses. First of all congratulations for Plan A'ing and I guess all I can say is to continue. If you do bring up her A - then you need to be calm and rational and as loving as possible and then she'll be more likely to open up to you.<BR>I'm not sure what the best advice here is - but clearly she needs to decide what to do and if she decides to work on your marriage then contact must be broken. Hopefully someone else on this board will have some clearer insight for you.<BR>

Hello and welcome Hopefully Coping,<P>I am sorry you have had to experience infidelity, but at least you have found a place with many people who can truly understand what you are going through. Over the next few days, many members will read your post and offer their advice. You will probably find that at least one of those members has a situation very similar to yours.<P>My husband had an affair, so I know the hurt and disappointment you are dealing with. My husband confessed the involvement to me before they had sex and promised to end the affair. He did end it for a while, but then they started talking again and the affair reignited. This time it did not end until the other woman's husband discovered the affair and told me about it. This time it had progressed to a sexual involvement. However, my husband did not want to separate from me and ended the affair for good (I hope) on August 16th.<P>I say all this to let you know what my experience is so that you can take my advice to you for what it is worth. In answer to your first question, your wish that she will end contact with the other man is perfectly reasonable and understandable. But before you suggest it to her, consider all of her possible responses. It would be wonderful if she agreed to end the other relationship, but what if she refuses to stop seeing him? What will YOUR next step be? Consider all of the possibilities and have your responses ready. Be sure that you do not give your wife an ultimatum unless you are certain that you are prepared for the possible end of your marriage and any relationship with her.<P>Secondly, before you contact the other man, consider what your wife's reaction to that would be. Many times it has the opposite desired effect. I confronted the other woman after I first discovered her involvement with my husband. She cried, apologized, promised that it was a one-time mistake that she would never repeat, etc., etc., etc. Of course all that turned out to be lies, and made her more determined to insinuate herself in our marriage. By letting her see how devastated I was, it let her know that she had the power to make me feel that way, and she liked it.<P>Perhaps you could reason with an honorable and decent person, but if the man was honorable and decent he wouldn't be having an affair with your wife. Besides, you have already mentioned that this is your wife's second affair. Your real problem is with her, and she is the one that needs to change. Until she does, even if you could end this affair, she will probably just find someone else to take his place.<P>I am not saying these things to hurt you or to disparage your wife. But I have been on this site for nearly 14 months now and I have seen this pattern before many times. I would highly recommend that you avail yourself of the telephone counseling services from Marriage Builders. It is different from any other counseling we have done because it focuses strictly on saving your marriage.<P>I wish I could be of more help to you. I'll be watching to see how things progress.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. First I don't intend on taking any action on these thoughts for atleast the next week, Ill be away on business and will have little on no contact with her. I do want to think through what I do when it comes to my WS. I have told her that sooner or later we have to talk about our situation. And she acknowledged that, which surprised me. What I need help with is what do I ask her. If she thinks about it, this internet romance has no future. OM lives 800 miles from here, he doesn't make enough money to support her. She won't leave here(her parents, children, grandchildren and siblings all live here. And he can't move here, because there is no opportunity for what he does for a living in this area. Is there any way I can get her to think about these issues without LBing. Am I expecting too much in trying to get her to think rationally?<P>I consider both affairs one episode because they came so close together.