My wife of sixteen years revealed her affair to me over a month ago. This other person, whom happens to be a woman, is also leaving her husband. My wife and I have two daughters, 9 and 14. This other woman has no children but has been married for 22 years. My wife plans to move out after the holidays to a place close by where we can share joint custody of the children. The othe other woman will undoubtedly move in with her at that time.<P>Since the affair was revealed to both spouses, I have noticed a gradual increase in contact between the two wayward women. Both still live at home and what used to be one phone call each day has now turned into several. My cell phone bill has nearly tripled because on runs to the "store" or somewhere else my wife calls this person. They speak every night after 9:30 on our home phone after the kids have gone to bed. They used to meet about twice a week before the affair (they both work together for the same company). Now they slip out every night to meet somewhere. The lies and the cover ups are getting more frequent. Although my wife claims she is proud to be a part of this woman and that they are soul mates, she has not revealed anything to her own immediate family (mother, father).<P>From the start of the revealing of this affair, I did not believe my wife to be homosexual. I believed that there was something wrong with her mentally. This was before I read any of Dr. Harley's books. Now I am even more convinced after reading "Surviving an Affair" that I am on the right track because my wife fits the description of "Sue" almost completely.<P>I have been in Plan A for a few weeks now. I have also gone to some regualr counseling and was able to convince my wife to attend one session. She reluctantly agreed, saying it was for me and not her. After about fifteen minutes into that particular session, the counselor advised my wife to get some regular counseling on her own. Several weeks have passed, and after gentle reminders from me she has scheduled some counseling sessions for herself. But the consession came with the condition that I come with her after this first two or three so this counselor can straighten me out about how she really feels about this woman.<BR>If what I have read and believe so far is true, she has no clue to the rude awakening that is to come. <P>With this agreement to seek her own counseling and the undeniable increase in the contact and covering up between the two of them, is it possible that this is about to come to a head and lead to recovery?

AH,<BR>It's possible that things will blow up soon, it is also just as possible that you will live through the average 6 months to 2 years it takes for the affair to end after discovery. Sorry to be the bearer of not-so-great news.<P>My H & I are in recovery, but it took right around a year after discovery which was 8 months after the affair had begun...and continued.<P>My advice would be to do Plan A for 6 months. Once you've done that, you will know that you have made a good effort for your marriage and, either decide to continue with Plan A, move to Plan B, or make the decision that best suits you at that time.<P>I wish you well. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

I agree with Lor. It's a sound plan.<BR>I also think that it is hell on earth right before recovery begins. Harley says that most affairs die a natural death within six months of being discovered. Your disovery is realtively new. My H's took about 2.5 months to be over after discovery. The increased meetings may be an effort to keep things together. I am sure that they are feeling the weight of what is going to happen once this is really out in the open. Maybe they feel that they really need to support eachother right now, that it is them against the world. Keep up with your Plan A. Hopefully she will realize soon enough that this isn't the real thing. Go to her therapist and see what she says. Is this a pro homosexual therapist? Have the therapist explain the negative impact this will have on your children. Let us know what she says.<P>cleo

Cleo,<P>Thanks for your opinion. You sound like a very wise and patient person. I pride myself on my patience as well, but my wife is stretching it to its limit right now. She has been extremely sick off and on for the past four weeks with pneumonia. There have been two trips to the hospital. Yet in between her brief recoveries she risks her health to go out at night and see this other woman. She is even out with her tonight and I had her in the emergency room the night before last.<P>I took a big step today in finally scheduling some time with Steve Harley. I didn't want to do this up to now because I have been seeing a local therapist. She has done well in our half dozen meetings in helping me work on myself. But I feel that I need more help in dealing with my wife.

Good choice on talking to Steve Harley. We had seen two therapists in the past several years and nothing has worked for us like this MB stuff. We are in a much better position now than we ever were. That's even after surviving the A. I'll bet that you even start feeling much better about yourself soon. I'm glad to hear from you.<P>cleo

AH - I know this is a late response, but i've been following your posts. How's it going? Did you talk with Harkeys yet?<P>I think you're doing an incredibale job. I can't get my WS to go to counseling - she still denies her affair - so you're ahead in that respect.<P>Let us know how it's going.<P>WAT

I will be talking with Steve Harley tomorrow. I hope to convince my wife to do some talking to him as well, but I doubt that will happen for quite some time.<P>As I mentioned before, my wife has been very sick for the past four or five weeks, first with pneumonia and lately with severe chest pains and also a severe headache that runs from the back of her head down her spine. She has been to the doctor and the hospital on several occassions, but they can't seem to find a source. I'm starting to wonder, and I'll try to remember to ask DR. Harley about it tomorrow, if the turmoil she is going through with this whole affair may be causing it.<P>Anyway, we did have a bit of a conflict yesterday. The strains of our relationship are beginning to affect my kids. My oldest daughter, 14, had a behind the door meeting with her mother yesterday and came out very upset. Although I haven't had a minute alone to question her about it, it seems that my daughter went to my mother for some answers because she felt she couldn't come to us. Evidently, my wife didn't like what my mother said. Alternately, my youngest daughter's teacher stopped me the other day to tell me that she always seemed "sad" in school. I sense a build up her that may be coming to a boiling point. Another question for Dr. Harley.<P>My wife could be heading for a breakdown. I guess that is why I asked the original question, "Is it at its worst just before recovery?" Yesterday she verbally attacked me by calling me a "lump for the last 15 years" and reaffirmed again that she "loved someone else".<P>More signs???<P>

I wouldn't read too much into that last statement. She is dealing with so much right now; being ill, pain with no apparent cause and the affair. What she said is common. Calling you a lump is a bit more benign than a lot of names I have heard. <P>Eerything seems to come to a head right before recovery begins. It did for me anyway. I was told that it was over and that we had been trying to make this work for so many years etc... It really wasn't much longer after that he decided that he would give it one more try. So far so good.<P>I bet a lot of her emotion is affected by her illness. We are all sensitive that way. It kind of magnifies things. <BR>Would she consider talking with Jennifer Chalmers instead? She could have a female ear to bend that way.<BR>Regrading your children, maybe you should both talk about how things are going with them and come up with a plan together. If that can't be done, go ahead and talk to them alone. My oldest picked up on things even though we never discussed anything in front of him. Children are so perceptive. They are also very resiliant.<P>cleo

Cleo,<P>I would be more than happy to get my wife to talk to Jennifer Chalmers. I'm wondering if Steve and Jennifer would actually work together and compare notes on talking to the two of us. Or would that be considered a breach of confidence or something?<P>As far as the children, I'm beginning to think they are what will lead to any potential recovery. My wife is still in a fog about letting anyone else know about the affair and believes that the kids will just look at this as dad and mom separating and that their mom's best friend has the same problem. In other words, as much thinking through as she said she has done, she hasn't got a clue as to the consequences that are coming.

I think your wife has to consent to the two therapists talking together. What if she agreed to talk to Jennifer, maybe you could use her as your therapist also and she would know both sides of the coin without any breach of confidentiality. I know that they do counsel couples but do it on an individual basis.<P>I would assume that as time goes on, your wife will realize that people will know about her and your friends. Something that big does not stay secret long. The kids will hear talk and figure it out. You would be amazed at how many parents say things within hearing distance of their children and, of course, those children repeat what they hear.<P>

Far too many people have been diagnosed as having stress-related disorders when there was actually something organically wrong. I don't think you should let the doctors dismiss your wife's symptoms. <P>Just the other day I heard a story of a many whose stomach ailments were dismissed as stress because he was deeply in depth. A few years and painful operations later, he died of cancer.

I would never, never, dismiss my wife's health. She has been receiving the best of care from her doctors and has had several tests in the hospital these last few weeks. She does seem to be getting better. All I meant about her situation possibly having a roll in this was that her doctor knows nothing of the emotional stress she is going through right now. It could be contributing to her problems on a physical level as well.<P>On the other hand, I had my first session with Steve Harley the other day and it went extremely well. He stated that my situation looks like the classic affair and that it should die a natural death. He also quelled my fears about the homosexual relationship. The affair my wife is in seems to be more of an emotional one. But I do have a long road ahead of me. Because the two of them have known each other so long, it will be that much more difficult for this to reach a resolution. In other words, according to Steve, it may reach a plan B stage.<P>The next step was for me to try and convince my wife to talk to Steve. I had convinced her weeks ago to talk to a counselor, but she had to keep cancelling the sessions because of her health problems. The same day I talked to Steve, she made another appointment with a new counselor for tonight. Although she was receptive about possibly talking to Steve soon (I had to tell her it was for me, not her), she wants to talk to this new therapist on her own first. She does get three free sessions with him. Since it took me a long time to get her to accept any type of counseling, I didn't want to push it. I will wait to see how these go before I mention it to her again. In the meantime, I will continue with Steve.<P>On the plus side, Steve did tell me that I should loosen up on some of the restrictions I was trying to impose on my wife. I had informed her that I did not want this other woman to see my kids anymore. Steve said that that was something I really couldn't control and in the long run would hurt my chances of reconciliation. I mentioned this to my wife yesterday and she was very pleased. We actually went out for a cup of coffee last night and talked about a lot of non-related things. She had also told me last week NOT to get her anything for Christmas. I was not going to honor that request. But Steve convinced me that this would be a disrespectful judgement on my part. So I also informed her that I wouldn't be getting her a gift as she wished and also let her know that this advice came from my session with Steve. Again, she was pleased. Hopefully, I am building up her confidence that talking with him might not be a bad idea after all!

Well, it has been over 24 hours since my wife has completed her first counseling session. We have talked several times since then and she hasn't even brought it up. I'm willing to bet she heard some things she didn't expect to hear from this therapist. She was so sure just a few weeks ago that she would go maybe twice and then bring me along so the therapist could "straigthten me out about how she feels about this other person". I'm still hoping that I can convince her to talk with Steve Harley next week.<P>I know I am praying for a miracle, but with the holiday coming up next week I hope this will pull my wife out of the fog far enough so she can see what she is doing to me and her family. I proposed to my wife on Christmas Eve in 1983. It always used to be a pretty special time of year for us. In my next session with Steve, we are going to plan our strategy for the upcoming weeks.<P>I still cannot imagine or believe that this will be our last Christmas together...

I still cannot imagine or believe that this will be our last Christmas together...[/B][/QUOTE]<P><BR>Don't even go there. Nothing is official. She is seeing a therapist, which is a start. The holidays may spark something. Go with it and do your best Plan A. If nothing else, she'll notice a certain "something" about you.<BR>