<B>Update</B>:<P>OK, this one is for all of you that asked me what am I going to do now that I saw all of this garbage (yes, it's bigger than a landfill) in me. So here's my answer to that:<P>It all started Sunday (26th). I went to church with my husband, I usually go alone. I thought it would be cool to go up there for a bit since it was our anniversary (3 years). Well, I was wrong. I did NOT have a good day that day. I was extremely upset. I kept getting confused as to what was being said to me.<P>My pastor would tell me that none of this stuff is my fault, but then she would say that I shouldn't have done this and that. I asked her if all this mess wasn't my fault then who was I to blame? She said nobody. I didn't swallow that one too well because I knew that everything was my fault.<P>Anyway, we were suppose to go out and eat later on. I was real upset for the remainder of the day and I didn't eat all day (I don't eat when I'm upset). My husband asked me if I was mad at him and I told him no. He asked me if there was anything he could do. I told him no again. I felt like I could've been stabbed with a 100 knives and it would've felt better than this did.<P><BR><I>Fast forward to Monday:</I><P>I still wasn't feeling that great and I was also getting sick. Damn allergies. I stayed home from work. Later on that day, I went downstairs and attempted to make "small talk" with my husband's mother. I asked her if she needed help with putting up Christmas decorations that I could help. She gave me this surprised look and said ok. Then she told me that she appreciated it and she knows that I'm trying. She said thank you and gave me a hug.<P><BR><I>Fast Forward to Today:</I><P>Well, basically, this is for all of you that thought that I was making all this up or that I'm not serious. What I'm about to say was not AT ALL easy for me to do.<P>When I came home from work, I told my husband (he was here already, off from work) and I had something that I had to say. I told him that I needed to talk to him and his mother, but without his little brother (It's hard talking to more than one person at a time because for me, it's almost like I'm making a speech to 100 people).<P>We both went downstairs to the basement where she was and I told her I had something to say. When she came in, I told her that I was sorry for the way I've been since when I moved here (almost 4 years ago) up until now. I told her that I didn't like the way I was. She told me it was ok, but I said no, it's not. I told her that it was uncalled for how I was (my voice was cracking at this point because I was about to cry) and that I was sorry. She told me that people make mistakes. I wanted to keep telling her no because I really meant what I said, but I let her speak. She began to tell me a little of how I had hurt her. She told me that she felt like I was always finding something wrong with her and that she was getting tired of trying. She said she never gave up hope, but that she didn't want to be hurt again. I wanted to run upstairs, but I stayed there and listened to her. She told me that she hopes one day we'll be able to talk. I nodded my head.<P>I also told her (oh goodness, this is another whole story) that I was concerned about her other son's family (they have 3 kids) moving back in here (my husband's brother got fired and so they have to give up their home and move back in here) because we had a real bad problem with my husband's brother's wife. See, there was a time when things were alright between my husband's mother and I, but then my husband's brother's wife came and ruined that. She would come and talk to me and ask sneaky questions and then go back to my husband's mother and turn the story completely around and vice versa. That started something horrible and my husband's brother's wife was loving every minute of it. Since then, I don't really speak to her because she's EXTREMELY nosy and likes to start mess. My husband's mother assured me that if and when they move back in here that she was going to lay some rules out. <P>She told me thank you for trying and all I could do was nod my head. That was it after that.<P>Well, the main reasons it was hard for me to do this is because: 1) I'm sick, it's a allergies/sinus infection/slight asthma type thing; and 2) I'm not good with speaking to other people I don't usually speak with. If this doesn't convince you that I'm serious, I don't know what will.<P>Thanks for listening. It's medicine time so I have to go. Bye.<P>Miaka<P>

Miaka,<P>Well friend, you have made the first step!<P>Growth comes very hard doesn't it!<P>My sponsor told me something and I'm gonna share it with you....<P><B>serenity is inversly proportionate to our expectations</B><P>Keep walking forward....<P>And get yourself the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank> Busters"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley<P>I'm proud of you <P>Bill<P><BR><P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

Wow! I am impressed! big hugs to you! I think this is a powerful first step.<P>It's a huge risk to be honest, humble, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. You did this in a fabulous way. I hope this is the beginning of a new way of being for all of you. Don't get discouraged if they fall back into old patterns again, and don't let bad situations tempt you into getting back into negative patterns either. You are on the way, girl! Wow! I am so proud of you. This is really good news.<P>Communication Skills books:<BR>People Skills by Robert Bolton<BR>How to Win Friends & Influence People- check out the back specifically<BR>Get Anyone to Do Anything- Lieberman<p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited December 01, 2000).]

What a brave first step. You made a decision and followed through even though it was very difficult and painful.<P>That is strength and courage and character!<P>You should be so proud!

Good for you Miaka!<BR>Don't you feel as if a load has been lifeted?

Honey, I am so impressed and awed by your courage, your humility, and your goodness.<P>I'm a lot older than you and what you are doing shows real growth and depth of character. Doing such soul searching and making amends is hard for anyone, of any age. Some people live to 90+ and don't take responsibility for their own situation.<P>Could I do what you did? Even as old as I am, I would have to struggle to make the admissions you have made. When I was your age, no, no way! I've been reading your posts for awhile, watching a fun-loving child indulgently, sensing the inner goodness. Now, like a baby bird pecking its way out of the egg, the new Yuki Miaka is here, and she's beautiful!<P>Oh, and you are not 100% to blame for your marriage problems. Marriages involve two people. But with you working so hard, and giving so much, I bet things will improve tremendously.<P>Oh, and I am also one of those people who can't eat when they are upset. <P>With admiration,<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited December 01, 2000).]

First of all, I want to apologize for my late response. See, I've been sick, but I'm getting better.<P><B>WilliamJ:</B><P>Thank you.<P><B>popeye:</B><P>Thank you too. Yes, it is <B>VERY</B> hard, but it had to be done....sigh....this isn't the end of it, though. Now I have to deal with my parents and my brother......sigh....I need a break....<P><B>FaithHopeLove:</B><P>Thank you also. I think the word "difficult" was a little too "nice" for what I was feeling while I was talking to her. Man, it was hard. That's all I can say.<P><B>cleopatra:</B><P>Thank you again. Actually, no, I don't feel like a weight has been lifted off of me because there's three other people I have to deal with now: my mother, my brother, and my father. I say my mother because she was a horrible mother (I'm not lying because someone else said this too) and the "stuff" she did to me is unbelievable. My pastor told me to tell her off. I say my brother because he basically "helped" my mother against me and looked the other way when things were going down. My pastor told me to get him too. I say my father because if he hadn't abandoned me, none of this sh*t would've happened to me. He's nothing but a spineless dog who had an affair and left my mother to marry the OW. He's now over there living with her and he's in misery. Too bad. He's so bad that he doesn't even come around to see his first and only grandson - my son. I really don't care if he doesn't get to know him because that's his loss. I don't plan on telling my son about a "ghost" grandfather either. End of that.<P>So, see? It's not over with. The burden I was speaking of above is the one I've carried with me almost all my life. Getting things straight with my husband's mother doesn't seem all that bad now.....<P><B>Bellevue:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Honey, I am so impressed and awed by your courage, your humility, and your goodness.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'd be lying if I said that I was everything you just said there. See, I'm so spineless and scared that somebody (my pastor) had to <B>tell</B> me to go down there and talk to her. I couldn't do it on my own because I didn't know what to say. When I got down there to talk to her, I almost forgot what I was suppose to say.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I've been reading your posts for awhile, watching a fun-loving child indulgently, sensing the inner goodness. Now, like a baby bird pecking its way out of the egg, the new Yuki Miaka is here, and she's beautiful!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hmmmm, so I guess you haven't noticed that all my "former" posts are gone, huh? Weird, I don't feel new. Maybe it's because I still have another extremely large mountain to climb. And that mountain is my biological family.......sigh.......it's stressing me out, it really is. I don't want to deal with it but my pastor cares so much about me that she doesn't want me to be like this anymore, forever hurting. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Oh, and you are not 100% to blame for your marriage problems. Marriages involve two people.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I'm sorry, I can't agree with you there. You see, if you think about it, I had my husband telling me I was wrong, his family telling me I was wrong, the people in my church telling me I was wrong, etc. So, I do believe that was all my fault. I mean, nobody ever said they did anything wrong and that's because they didn't, I did.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Oh, and I am also one of those people who can't eat when they are upset.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Really? And I thought I was the only weird one. That Sunday that all this started, I didn't eat the whole entire day. Hmmmmm, are you a picky eater too? I'm extremely picky. I think it bothers my husband, but my stomach is sensitive and it I eat too many new foods.....well, they end up coming back up (that wasn't too gross, was it?). Are you like that? I hope not. Thanks.<P>Miaka<BR>

<B>Update:</B><P>Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have more good news. I actually went downstairs and got to eat food with everybody. I don't know if that's good news to you guys, but before, that was a very hard thing to do.<P>Oh yeah, I almost forgot, my husband is being nicer to me now. It's weird. Before when he would hug me or something, I didn't really "feel" anything from it, know what I mean? He gave me a hug a couple minutes ago and it felt good! <P>OK, this is the last bit of good news for today: remember how I was complaining about him always working nights? <P>Guess what??????????<P><B>HE'S GOING TO BE WORKING IN THE MORNINGS NOW!!!!!!!!!</B><P>Wow, and that happened IMMEDIATELY after I talked to her! It seems that they're having a bit of a "problem" with the regular guy that opens my husband's department and so they're going to replace him with my husband as the opener! I know that was the Lord because I told my pastor that Sunday that I would like for him to spend more time with me. Awesome!<P>I don't know about you guys, but that makes my day! <P>Miaka<P>PS My allergy/sinus infection/asthmas thingie is almost gone. But I still have to take this stupid medicine for awhile longer.

Hi Miaka,<BR>You sound so much better!!!<BR>Keep it up girl. You are very loved and wonderful.<BR>Aloha, cl

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'd be lying if I said that I was everything you just said there. See, I'm so spineless and scared that somebody (my pastor) had to tell me to go down there and talk to her. I couldn't do it on my own because I didn't know what to say. When I got down there to talk to her, I almost forgot what I was suppose to say.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I guess nobody has told you that true courage is being shaking in your boots terrified of doing something and doing it anyway. <P>Ya' done good! <P>Jodi<P>

This truly warms me on this chilly morning

First out, I would like to apologize <I>again</I> for not answering you guys sooner. See, I was too busy have "fun" with my husband.........and now onto the weather report! <P>Seriously, things have been a lot better now since that day. I can breathe somewhat easier now. <P><B>cl:</B><P>Thank you! <P><B>JodiC:</B><P>Thank you too! <P><B>FaithHopeLove:</B><P>Thank you three! <P>Sooooooo, when do I get to give advice or do I have to "learn" and "grow" so more? <P>Miaka