My weekend was hellish, but through the grace of God (who else would have had the power) I feel a little stronger this morning. When the in laws walked through the door on Sat., I immediately came to the decision that I wasn't going to tell them because it would ruin MY weekend and I deserved to do what felt good for me. I concentrated on them and my nieces and nephews who I love a lot. I wanted to preserve some good memories in case this was the last holiday I got to spend with them. I am pretty certain that H finally told his brother in the driveway right before they left. I will probably call my SIL this week to apologize for what feels like duplicity on my part.<P>To further complicate matters, we got a call 1 hour after they left on Sunday that a good friend of ours from work (both H and I used to work at the same place before kids) killed himself on Friday night by jumping of the top of the parking ramp at the airport. It was horrifying to say the least and we grieved together for awhile and then he left for his place.<P>As for my situation, H told me a little over 1 year ago that he wasn't attracted to me anymore, but still loved me. After many months of me changing myself, my looks, my attitude and behavior, he was still sitting on the sidelines in fixing our marriage. In May, I finally got him to admit there was an OW. Although I hadn't yet read Harleys' books, I was Plan Aing for that whole time and continued to after that. <P> We get along great and always have. H admits this is all unfair to me and wishes he could "turn the clock back." He feels like even if he could give OW up, he doesn't feel like he could recover his feelings for me. Leaving the kids has been very hard for him. H was set to move out on Nov. 1 and came out of the fog several times during this last month. At 1 point H told OW it was over and 3 days later we went to Florida for 4 days to have fun and talk about out future. He changed his mind when we got back because he didn't feel drawn to me emotionally at all on the trip even though we had a good time together. (This even though he read Surviving an Affair during one of his periods out of the fog and knows that he was in withdrawal and probably not capable of feeling anything for anybody!)<P>I am now considering moving to Plan B. I am increasingly getting the feeling of being a doormat and H continues to treat me like I don't count. H wants to still spend family time with us (picking out the tree, decorating etc.), but I am getting the clear feeling that it has to stop and that H has to experience the realities of leaving if there is going to be any hope for us. He really wants to have his family and his OW too.<P>The kids make this all so hard, don't they? My oldest is almost 6 and is starting to understand how bad this is going to be. He is also starting to try to take care of me which is nice, but I know I have to be careful not to let him go down that path too far. He knew I was sad about all the presents waiting at H's new place so he told me he would look to see if there was 1 for me. Then later he told me that he thought H stilled loved me because H frowned when he left. If that doesn't break you up what will? The 4 and 2 year old continue to think that H is working when he isn't here because he does work a lot.<P>I continue to reassure the kids that I am not moving away and will always love them and that H loves them, but doesn't want to live with me. I have told my oldest that this all makes me very sad, but that God is watching over me and them and we will be okay. I have found that my oldest seems relieved when I admit I am sad because he too then admits he is sad.<P>I have found the quickest way to recover my sanity during the day is to lavish attention on my kids. That, however, made it extra hard when H took them to his place without me last Friday. I'm not looking forward to more of that!!!<P>Thanks for asking about my weekend and situation. This forum has been a lifeline for me and has taken a little of the pressures off my very supportive sisters.
