I've been lurking for months. My fiancee had an affair just before our wedding. We tried to work through our issues but she couldn't get over OM so she cancelled the wedding and after saying she was working on us (she was secretely speaking to and seeing OM) has decided to end it with us "temporarily" and see him. He lives 4 states away. She has continued to justify her "new relationship" with the fact that I had made her feel bad about herself. I have admitted to my role and have vowed to change and have been going to therapy. She has not and has continued to see OM but say that maybe we can get back together and still sees me everyday but is holding me at arms length. Recently she had him in town and was with our mutual friends who know the story. Many of them were a bit cold to him and are siding with me. She gets very hurt and upset by this and can't understand why people are doing this! I don't want to LB so what can I do to make her feel like she is not being ganged up on. I want her to come back, but it seems like having everyone side with me only strengthens her resolve. She is quiete stubborn. What should/can I do?

Welcome to the wonderful world of infidelity! <P>I don't know if I can give you any solid advice, since my marriage is all but over, but I can tell you one thing: <P>You can't change her, she must want to change her behavior. My STBX is very stubborn as well. She honestly thinks she has found her "soul-mate" in the OM. The fact that he's married means little to her. However, she's made her mind up, and I can't change it. So I've simply stopped trying.<P>I'd suggest a kind of "good cop/bad cop" relationship when your friends are around, if that's at all possible. Avoid LB's at all costs, but most of all, work on the only thing in your control: You!

Like cjack said, she has to want to change. you can't do it or force it. The reaction of the friends is quite typical. They can't be expected to support her switching guyson a whim. Mine essentially dumped all her old friends .... soon after one gave her a blast for being out to lunch and a fool.<P>The one thing I can say is to Plan A of course, but when this topic comes up about the friends, and you don't want to seem like you are ganging up on her with the friends, you can mostly listen, let her vent, and use very vague and not committal statements like "I'm sorry you feel that way", "It is tough when your friends disagree with you", "I understand how you feel", etc.<P>Good luck.

Dear Lipton,<P>I can recall clear as day the cold stares of my husband's co-workers after some of them found out that I had cheated on him. <P>At the time I was angry because I thought that he had no right to go telling other people 'our business.' I was also anrgy and indignant with them - who did they think they were? But once I pulled my head out of my *ss, I realized that they were his friends and his only emotional support at the time.<P>You see, it hurts the betrayer's pride - she feels like she is being 'told on.' In truth, it is a sure sign that your fiancee is ashamed of what she has done, and knows it isn't right, or at the very least understands that she will be shunned for what she has done.<P>That was the good news. Now, the bad news is that just because she may be displaying a bit of consciece here doesn't mean she will be compelled to end her affair. But it may be a step in the right direction for her. What she needs to realize is that if she wants to play the way she's playing now, that this is a consequence of her actions. I would listen, but I wouldn't offer much in the way of sympathy for that little devil of yours. <P>Your mutual friends are entitled to expressing their feelings as the see fit. However, I don't think it would hurt if you mentioned to them your side of things. Let them know that you appreciate their loyalty and support, and just them expressing it to you is enough. Maybe it will help some of them back down.<P>Right now, your fiancee might be egged on by just about anything to continue her affair. Since you can't really control the actions of your friends, the best thing you can do is this: Tell her that you love her, you want her back, and are willing to work thru this with her. You have taken a huge step in the right direction by going to therapy. That shows a lot of dedication on your part.<P>I do hope that it all starts working out for you two.<P>Khyra<BR>

Thanks for your responses. It is so strange. Even some of her friends are having a hard time embracing this new guy. I fear that she is being backed into a corner and the more she feels that way the more she tries to justify her new relationship and the more she pulls away from me. One of her friends said "Lipton, she love you so much" but you hurt her badly. She also said that as strange as this seems, this new guy is just a form of therapy for herself. This friend seemed to suggest that this guy is nothing and yet I know she has said she is in love and loves him. Of course she says she loves me too, but only after I tell her I love her. He is someone to make her feel good about herself and loved and adored. When I asked her what I should do, she said to just keep telling her how much I love her and care for her. So, I suppose that's what I need to keep doing or do I need to just let her go and feel what it is like to be without me. She is very stubborn, feels like I was controlling and that we were not equal in our relationship. She uses this as another excuse "see, they were all your friends, not mine, because they are now siding with you" "no one cares to hear how you eroded my self-esteem for six years" I have told her I have been going to therapy and am working on this and have apologized and have changed and just want a chance to show her. The response of her friends is how do you heal that amount of pain? Any suggestions? If she really is doing this out of the pain I inflicted, how can I undo what I've done? She seems to imply the pain I caused her opened the door for the affair, and now that she is into it, she can't let him go even if she does forgive me because now she has seen how wonderful it can be without having to fix it. He just makes her feel wonderful naturally while I had have this crisis to change. She is having a hard time accepting that and therefor is unwilling to let go of him. She still says we may get together in the future but for now, we are not a couple. She is getting an apartment soon, but still has all her things in my house. Any advice. So many people tell me to move on, but I feel like if she really feels that I hurt her, I still have to continue to make it up to her. This has been going on since June. What should I do?

Dear Lipton,<P>I really do feel for you. It is par for the course for your fiancee to be playing the types of games she is playing now. It does sound to me like this is her version of an 'exit' affair. She is using this fling she's having as a way out, as a solution.<P>Perhaps you have failed her and hurt her during your relationship. Yes, the pain will still be there, but what should count is that you are doing all you can to change that. You can't change what has happened in the past, but you have the power to pave a better road for the future, regardless if your engagement lasts.<P>Your fiancee comes across as someone who still has a lot of growing up to do. (Hey, it takes one to know one!) But a paradigm shift of sorts is occurring here. As she discovers more about herself, rather than using her knowledge to grow, she is indulging herself at the expense of others' feelings. You, on the other hand have also come to see yourself in a different light. So, you have decided to work on becoming a better, stronger person and are looking out for others' feelings as a result.. <P>My suggestion? Continue with your therapy, whether or not she makes good on the promises she has made to be your bride. Love her all you can, demonstrate this love to her in non-smothering ways. Verbally tell her that you are willing to forgive, and to move on to a stronger plateau in your relationship than ever before. Point out to her how much this experience has helped you discover about yoursleves and each other. Also, let her know that yes, it will be hard for her to leave her new 'boyfriend' but the more time she spends with you, the easier it will become over time.<P>Here are some other gestures on your part that wouldn't hurt. I don't know what types of things you did for her in the past to express your love to her, but here are some things that I, as a woman appreciate that my husband has done for me. In the end, these things didn't necessarily 'woo' me back, but they did help. <P>* Get her a card - not a two - word card with a picture of Bart Simpson on it that says, "Luv U, man" I mean a REAL card that eloquently says just how you feel about her. <P>* Go clothes shopping for her - not a huge spree, but pick her up a nice shirt or earrings you think she'd like and would look nice on her - tell her you pictured her in it and thought it would bring out her eyes, her smile, etc. <P>* If you are still intimate with her, hop in the tub with her and wash her hair. If not, just take a brush and gently brush it for her. There is someting so sweet, loving almost fatherly about doing that; I always felt so special when I had long hair and my honey did this for me. Besides, guys look cute when they are trying to fiddle with long hair. Don't force it, of course, but do try these things if she is open to them. <P>Everyone has their limit, Lipton. No one here can dictate to you what yours is. Personally, I still think there is a chance that the two of you will make it thru this and continue on with the rest of your lives together. She is at a crossroads right now - she can either get out of the crib and grow up like you're doing, or you will outgrow her. <P>Lastly, and most importantly, did you read about Plan A? I'm no good at putting links in yet, but on this site there are some specific guidelines for how to cope with the type of situation you are in. Here it's called "Plan A." Look around, you'll find links to it on the homepage. If I get ambitious, I'll try to put a link up for ya . <P>I hope you come back here and let us know how things are working out for you. We are here for you. There is lots of great advice and moral support here. Hang in there! <P>Your friend, <P>Khyra