Well, ya'll... it's been a while since I've checked in. Don't know if anyone will remember me. I just wanted to give an update and maybe offer a little hope. <P>For those that don't know... my H had a ten month A (A for adultery because *affair* is way too happy a word for what happened to me). Discovery was about nine months ago. We had the whole - partial discovery, still lying, supposed to be in recovery but still doing it thing - going on at first. Due to my superb detective work (never underestimate the power of cell phone bills...) I found out the truth and the whole ugly, evil thing cringed and shriveled in the light of day. Yep, it was the ol co-worker tramp scenario. You all know the drill. She has definitely multiplied the unfaithful among men at that company, let me tell you. But, that's another story. <P>Now my H is here, sleeping peacefully at this moment a few yards away, and our marriage is better than it ever was before. I can say that in all honesty. He is connected to me as he never was. It has been a long road. I am still on it. I look back and it is incredible, unbelievable that we could have this. I think of ALL the horrible things he said and did to me. (And believe me, I still hear them verbatim ringing in my head sometimes...) But, those harsh words don't form in his mouth anymore. He is repentant. He is so sorry. He is mortified by what he did to me and to our children. I have seen him shed many a tear, today in fact, because of all the pain he has caused. This from the man who left me in the hospital after I gave birth to our child, in order to call the town slut. It is an incredible turn around from him. I am amazed. <P>How did we get here? Not by my effort, I am ashamed to say. Especially if the likes of lostva or sheba are reading. (Ducking in shame.) I tried at first but, when I found out he was still lying, it broke in me and I was done. He fought, and continues to fight, to put this back together. Not that I have been a total failure, MBers. I just struggle so much. I have spiralled into a sort of "situaltional depression", I'm told. And now I'm on Effexor. I've never had a problem like this before so it is scary for me. I still have so many battles inside myself because of all that happened. That's for sure. <P>I read recently the post about people not being satisfied even with a repentant spouse. So, part of me feels guilty because I know I have so much to be thankful for. Nevertheless, it doesn't change what happened to me. That pain is still very real. It has changed me in so many ways. Many of which aren't good. I won't sugar-coat it and say, "Wow, great, what a growth opportunity." It is pain that has rippled through my life, cutting like a knife. Apologies don't change the wounds. But, repentance does, and has, paved the way for a new beginning. <P>He goes to counseling. Has been going once a week for about six months now. (I still do ocassional spot checks on counselor receipts...) He is on much needed anti-depressants. He has put forth so much effort to really build something. And I am trying... Sometimes my effort only amounts to the fact that I still let him live here... But, for the most part, I am trying. I see a man in him that I never saw before. There is a vulnerability. The counseling has helped him so much. Suddenly, there are so many things to love about him that I am terrified to fall for this man because there would be no turning back. <P>But, the main thing, without a doubt, has been that God has healed this marriage. He is in the PROCESS of healing this marriage, shall I say. God gave me this man that is here with me now. This is not who I married. My H has turned to God and yielded to him in every area of his life. I marvel at his faith as I was always the spiritual "heavy-weight" in the marriage. He leads me to church. He leads me to pray every morning and every night. I know that God has done a miracle in his life. He feels peace he has never known. At the same time he is grieved for me because I still am stuck in so much pain. Wish I could say I wasn't. I know all this may sound incredibly ungrateful to some of you. <P>I guess my point in wanting to write is that I want to give my own testimony to the fact that marriages can survive adultery. I may be limping, but the guy who shot me has turned into my hero that is carrying me home. My situation was no less hopeless than many here. He thought he was "in love" with her. He wanted to leave me. Heck, he even had his new living arrangements plotted out before he told me about the A. He was mean and horrible and our marriage was as good as over. But, there is a way to a place that I never knew existed. Because when I'm not despondent or ENRAGED, there is intimacy like I never knew possible. And that's the hope. <P>I know there is light at the end of the tunnel because I can see it. I'm not basking in it. Nope, my shades can be put up for another day. But, I can feel the warmth of it. I can see it and I know it is waiting there. And I thank my Father who has given me this man who pulls me, so lovingly, toward the light. That one day, I will feel whole again. One day I will allow myself to feel loved. One day I will trust. One day I will be able to truly relish the marriage that God has restored to me.<P>So, for anyone reading this, doubting that the shambles of your marriage can ever be more than a mess around your feet, take heart! God is a God of miracles and He can do what seems impossible. He did for my family. I have "life" after I thought I could feel nothing but death inside.

Thanks. Alot of us need post like yours. Hope your way gets easier easier as time goes by. Prayers being sent your way.

Dead (Alive?) Inside - Wow. Thanks. I hope to be able to get my wife to read this someday.<P>WAT

Dead Inside,<BR>Thank you for posting your update.It gives hope to those of us who are still struggling.<P>I need a big miracle in my life.H has been living with OW for 6 months,and we are in the process of divorce.<BR> Love and Prayers,Beth<BR>(Hoping thay H will find Christ)

Thanks for taking the time to share. I am sure you've given many people so much hope by doing that. I wish you so much support and success in this. A marriage is a wonderful thing. I love it that yours is surviving.

DI<BR>This is getting really spooky. I was thinking about you yesterday...wondering how you were doing and here you are!<BR>I'm so glad you posted and that you are doing so well.<BR>It does my heart good to see such progress. <BR>Congratulations!!

Dead Inside,<BR>I remember you and I’ve actually been thinking about you. I almost sent out the post to ask where you are or how you are doing. I’m glad to hear from you. I’m very happy for you. You give us hope and courage to continue our journey of hope and life. The sun is shining on you and your family right now. Take it.<P>OOOO <BR>

Good morning all. I am glad that you found some hope in my post. Maybe I'll read it again some day when I'm not feeling it so much... I hesitated to write because I still have so many issues and I know that might seem whiny to some of you in light of all my H is giving me. And I hesitate because I wonder, can this guy be for real??? I go through spurts where I don't come here because it hurts me so much to see the raw pain that I remember so well. But, I always gravitate back because it makes me feel not so alone. So, I come, even though I am moved to tears many days because of what is happening. <P>sing,<BR>Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers. I'll say a prayer for you too.<P>WAT,<BR>Dead? Alive? depends on the day. All my best to you and your W.<P>alone1,<BR>I am so sorry for your situation. I wish, wish, wish I could do something to change it for you. Keep praying. He is a God of miracles. Thank God that we have a FAITHFUL God, who will NEVER FORSAKE us, even if we have no human relationships like that. I pray that no matter what happens in your marriage, you will feel the ever-constant love of God and He will see you through to better days. Will also pray for your H's salvation. <P>popeye,<BR>Thanks for your encouragement. I'm starting to see that marriage can be a wonderful thing... who'd a thought it...<P>wasstubborn,<BR>Spooky indeed. I think about you often and hope everything is better for you. What has been going on? <P>OOOO,<BR>I'm honored that you were wondering about me. I've been on this rollercoaster that I can't find the off switch for... Hope things are well with you.

I remember you too. Four kids, right?<P>AFTER my h started to really do his part, I went into a deep depression. I didn't know what was going on. I'm reading it so often lately that it seems it is another stage. The marriage is stable, time to focus on our own healing...<P>There is a thread in recovery that speaks of her pain.<P>It was tough to realize there was NOTHING he could do to help me through this. I had to walk it on my own. I turned down meds, and went through weeks of barely functioning. I would weep sometimes and wonder if I could regain control in time to pick up the kids.<P>One day, I woke up feeling "normal" after going through all the pain. I think the first step was to realize this is a journey I must take with God and myself, h could not heal me.<P>Here's the link to Sudz post:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/001601.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/001601.html</A> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited December 01, 2000).]

schizzo,<BR>Thanks for your reply. I have two kids. I so relate to what you experienced with trying to pull yourself together for the children. I am doing that everyday. Thanks for the link. I will check it out. I've been following your posts and think of you often. Best wishes. DI