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Hi!<P>With the holidays drawing close, I feel so fedup and depressed. I also noted Schizzo's post to me that showed how she cared that I seem to sound angry in my posts. I agree that I have sinned and become someone I cannot recognise nor accept. So, I am here to ask you to help me with your gameplan, real or freshly designed to get through my feelings.<P>How can you honestly and practically (which obviously includes spiritual for practising Christians) if you have gone through this:<P>WS' A started on a pissed drunk night set up by staff. Staff threatened exposing A to family and company. 2 years of 'living he*l according to WS' ensued. A exposed after he kept rejecting and culminated in the staff kniving WS. Throughout the A, staff cursed wife and baby and other family members and threatened our lives. WS said he was a victim and was made to feel like a prostitute. Staff imprisoned and court case pending. <P>Due to the cruelty of the staff, my beloved father passed away, our families have been harrassed and hurt, our peace destroyed, my WS lost his job, WS was extorted a huge sum of money, I am unable to care for my baby, WS deteriorated in all aspects, etc..<P>How does one come to a place where they can forgive the WS and the witch OP.<P>I know that I use words such as witch OP. Before this A, I couldn't even say 'snitch' without feeling like it is some bad and demeaning word. See how I have deteriorated. My WS actually calls her 'piece of evil sh*t' and 'worse than a prostitute'.<P>I use bad terms, I know. I would really want to use whore but my WS said that whores try to make a living but that the evil sh*t seeks to destroy. I don't use the term 'slut' in this case because it is too tame (IMO). Witch to me conjures up some wicked thing brewing and stewing evil schemes to entrap and destroy.<P>Again, I often omit the simple term OW because there are actually OWs posting here so out of respect to them, I made it clear that the person in our case was a witch OP. Actually, I sort of started off by calling the OP chinless banshee and other (can't remember) names.<P>To be fair, I hardly ever use H but 99.9999% of the time I use WS.<P>I am writing this because I apologise that I am so angry and as I have said in my first ever post and in other posts, I cannot recognise the person I have become. I need help and I do not want to be dragged down and destroyed by some wicked person. I don't know how to call the witch OP by any other name at this time in my roller coaster mode - do you have a suitable term?<P>Part of the reason that the marriage is not rebuilding is because WS wants to move on, forget the past and not seek counselling. We have a date booked a few weeks from now after I kicked him out for not confronting issues.<P>I really think I cannot accept the death of my father under those circumstances, and that my WS was indirectly party to that. So forgiving him is taking a long time.<P>God bless all of you<BR>Unfortunately still 'weep'.<BR>

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Dear Weep,<P>I am so sorry for the horrendous situation you have lived through and the pain you are bearing. I think it is unrealistic to worry about forgiving anyone at this point. That can come later after some of your needs have been met and the pain has been acknowledged and regreted more.<P>I know it sounds a little Pollyanaish, but I focus on not letting WS and OW turn me into someone I would not respect. I figure I can "win" if I can keep my dignity. But, we BSs need somewhere to vent the extreme anger and pain that we do not vent at WS. To me, that is one of the great benefits of this forum. Be honest here and share your feelings because we understand like no one else could! Even if we are not always posting our worst thought or feelings, we are still having them so don't feel bad when you share!<P>Now for you. Can you find something, no matter how small, that you can look forward to in the next few days or a week. Something that would make you happy or feel better. I know everyone says it and I've been ignoring it, but I think we BS really have to start doing something for ourselves. It is really the only way that I can see me rebuilding my self esteem. I don't want to rely on anyone but me and the Lord for my self esteem again!!! <P>Please continue to share, we care.

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Dear Exhausted,<P>Thank you for your support and your advice. I am still in my marriage because my father asked me to stay in the marriage for my baby's sake, and that was a deathbed request. My beloved father actually asked my brother to beat up my WS to 'teach him a lesson' - it is a man code of honour thing - because my fahter was too ill to do that himself. But my brother declined because he was not a violent man. WS said that he rather they beat him as so that he can look them in the eye again.<P>I think apart from the anger was the shock at how scary the situation was. The adultery and the attack and then the death. I really cannot understand anymore the actions of people caught in adultery; it seems that it is only them in the whole wide world whether they want in or out of that situation. Little did they see beyond the obvious consequences. In my case, the consequences are mind-boggling. One of the saving grace is that my father accepted Jesus as his personal saviour on his death bed after years of idolatry.<P>I think too many people, esp WS, are trying to ask me to get over the adultery quickly. <P>It is strange how once the WS commits adultery, the love just dies and the feelings are gone and the heart doesn't quicken whenever I see him. I am sad that I seem to be the about the only one here who has no more love left for a WS. Others are still in love with their WS however foggy the brain happens to be. This is also one aspect that got me thinking about my nature - but then again, nobody's beloved dad got killed as a result of the A, right?<P>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>from weep

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((((((weep))))))<P>I am so sorry that you have been tormented by these horrible events. I will say a prayer for you.<BR>Herre are some things I found helpful, I hope you may be able to use some of them.<BR>I did many things during my pain in an attempt to ease it. Every time I started to feel overwhelmed, hatred or despair, I prayed for God to life me out of this. I said it as many times and as humbly as I possibly could muster. I felt like a begger but I did get a measure of relief.<BR>I also found a Psalm by accident one day which I read to myself everyday and everyevening. It is Psalm 143, a Psalm of David. He talks about how his enemies have crushed his life and his soul. How he remebers meditating on Gods work and how he longs to be in that light again. He is beseaching God to deliver his sould out of trouble. You can tell that I think it is beautiful and it fit how I felt. <BR>Regarding the witch OW, what is she becomes a non entity? Someone not worthy of your time or feelings. Do you think by letting that go it would free up some of your feelings for your H? <BR>It sounds like you and your father were very very close. I am too. I know how monumental a loss like that must be, for I feel great pain when I think of being without my father in my life. But, I can tell that he loved you very very much and that he wanted you to be with H. As you said, his deathbed wish. You know he would not want you to feel as tortured as you do. Have you prayed to him? I believe we can do that. I don't know how you feel about it. What if you asked for some of his strength and wisdom to help guide you?<P>I wish that I could help you more, weep. I truly do because many of your post have really struck a chord with me. I picture you as a graceful person. I will continue to lift you up in my prayers.<P>cleo

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Dear <B>weep</B>,<BR>I’m so sorry to hear that you’re still feeling down and still have to go through the pain and suffering. I agree with <B>Exhausted</B> that you have to focus on healing yourself and working on yourself. If it is possible, do not think too much about your WS and “witch OP”. It’s only going to make you feel angry and frustrated. Please be strong and focus your attention to your own happiness and your child. I remember you told me that you would start up certain activity for yourself, exercising, swimming, dancing, etc…. I think this will help you to focus on something you love to do before. Please start doing it if you can. Just do it for us, OK, weep. <P>I’m sorry to hear about your father. I know that your WS might have indirectly contributed to his death, but he was gone to heaven already. Please let him rest in peace and accept that he is in a wonderful place and in harmony. I know it is hard to forgive, but we have to learn how to do that little by little. <P>Weep, take it one day at a time. Take care and sleep more, OK.<P>OOOO <BR>

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Dear cleo,<P>Thank you for your hugs and prayers. This is the first time I ever received cyber hugs and they feel really good [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] . I think I will start sending cyber hugs, too.<P>I will read the Psalms as you have pointed out. I am really at the dip in the valley now. Actually, it is more like I was pushed into the pits by others and I am jumping up and down all the time so that I get to see some light every now and then, however fleeting.<P>I am actually the chip of my beloved father. He is a very honourable and wonderful man (Didn't mean to sound like I am wonderful, I mean, physically, he actually looks like a handsome movie star - oops, this is getting to be embarrassing, I better stop.). He would have given me great wisdom as well as experience to help me get over this A. My mother was WS.<P>Yes, I miss his wisdom and his love. I did pray to God to let me dream of my father and I did. He was radiant and was sobbing and he called out to me and said to 'stop beating him (WS), he will never understand the kind of pain that you feel. I do understand your pain." It comforted me to know that someone knows the sort of torment I am going through and that I was not actually mad all the time.<P>Then I found this MB site and found many caring and wonderful souls (both BS and WS such as Carolina Belle, Cleopatra, Lor, burned Spouse, Delphi, SS121, OOOO, Schizzo, Catnip, Jenny, Taj, hw, SueB, AW, Karenna, Happy_girl, Heavenlybody, Rick, TimJ, DesertRose, SKM, taxman, Rockaway, Bozos_Debs, Flowerseed, Noodles, Comfort, NSR, and many others, even JL - who has never replied to my threads but whose generous and wise help to others make the world a better place). I believe that God led me here - I think my beloved father pulled some strings [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] .<P>(((((((((((((((cleo))))))))))))))<BR>thanks. <BR>Please let me know how you are doing.<P><p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited December 12, 2000).]

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Dear OOOO,<P>Thank you for your support and advice. I know I can learn a great deal from you. I would love for God to give me just 10% of your patience, forgiveness and humility.<P>I am so tired. I know I really need to heed all your advice to let go and stop thinking so much. My anniversary is coming up and it makes me very depressed at the state of the marriage.<P>WS got me something from Tiffany's but I am not getting him anything. He gave me a pair of pearl earrings - dangling and with a tiny diamond in the middle. We will be spending the weekend elsewhere - baby and us - so that we create something instead of just wallowing in the anguish.<P>I will take up the dancing lessons soon and will be enrolling in foreign language classes tomorrow. Maybe I can learn to vent in another language [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] .<P>OOOO, I know God's Grace is sufficent for all my needs, from the way God gave my father a place in heaven through salvation, as well as many miracles. I really needed them to help me focus. As I am typing this, I have this enlightened understanding that all the miracles (very tangible ones) were needed because of the horrendous events. Without these, I will not overcome. <P>Keep us updated on your situation.<P>God bless and help you<BR>take care<BR>from weep<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited December 12, 2000).]

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Weep:<P>Thanks for responding to my post last week. Your kind thoughts came at an important time for me.<P>Your situation has been really awful. I know that even in isolation, the A or your father's death would have been a terrible, soul-wrenching thing to deal with. In combination, they're a pretty vicious one-two punch. Add usual holiday stress on top of that (which I know all about) and, well, I can understand why you're feeling so low lately.<P>I know what you mean about not liking, or even understanding, the person you've become as a result of the A. It's the grim consequence of adultery that the people involved are never the same, if the folks on this board are any indication. I NEVER thought I'd be the kind of person who would do what I did to my W. I couldn't even have imagined actually being so cruel.<P>I think all that we can do is determine that, even if we're different in ways that make us sad, we can also be different in ways that are better. I'm hoping to deal with some of the insecurity/secrecy issues that I've had basically throughout my adulthood and that I suspect made it easier to have an affair. I'm hoping to be a better H to my W -- helping to make her feel protected and safe, and to know how much I love her. In time, perhaps, you and your H will be able to make changes in your life as a result of the A that will make you happier people than you could have been otherwise.<P>Your anger at the OW, your inability to do anything but call her names, is completely understandable, given your situation. So is your anger and difficulty forgiving your H. Neither of those feelings is necessarily the most Christian way to feel, I guess, but they are HUMAN feelings. All you can do, all Christ would ask you to do, is TRY, weep. Try to be better, to be more understanding, to forgive truly in your heart. <P>The back story to your H's A (the blackmailing part of it, especially) always struck me as somewhat suspicious, but you know better than I whether all of it is true. Assuming it is, it sounds as though your H is genuinely sorry and that's a good start. That he just wants to "forget it" and put it "behind" him is a little troubling. He really should be getting in to counseling. You don't get blackmailed into a two-year long A that results in your father-in-law's death, a stabbing, and jail time without having some emotional baggage that it would be good to talk through.<P>Good luck, weep. You know we're all pulling for you. Take care.

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weep,<P>I am running out real quick, can give you update later. I justed wanted to share with you something someone very wise just told me.<BR>She and I prayed for my H's OW. It was hard at first considering the feelings I had towards her. My friend told me that when we pray for the OP it comes out of a love that we can only get from God. I think you should try this. You may feel hypocritical, at first, but you will feel that your burden has been lightened somewhat. Pray that whatever evil has taken her over, be removed. Pray that her soul is healed. I know it will be hard. It was for me. In the end, I think we were both helped. God is great and merciful. Remember that.<P>cleo<p>[This message has been edited by cleopatra (edited December 12, 2000).]

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Dear Taxman,<P>Thank you for your great post. As usual, I find your very measured tone somehow puts things in its proper perspective. I have been wondering why you call yourself 'Taxman'.<P>It is precisely the unresolved issues that gets me mad. A lot of other hurtful stuff, including the issue of rejection, have really become huge boulders on our path to rebuilding. Add the other twists and turns and jail and blood, and my birth hormones, I can say that I was one wreck. My head threatened to explode all the time and I can't even care for my baby.<P>I said exactly the same things to WS: how he could stomach and not need therapy to get rid of the emotional baggage and all those horrendous things as well as my beloved father's early demise. He felt that he could just suppress them all and numb them. I really really get very upset especially when he is deteriorating instead of improving. He puts the blame of his current state squarely on my shoulders. That my need to know and constant unforgiveness led him to deteriorate. <P>So, what else can I do except fight and kick him out of the house? How can we heal when he is against counselling for me as well as himself? I have given up so many times and I had to slash a portrait painting of us before he decided to go to counselling.<P>I really am at the end of myself and I have told him that if I do not want to work on the marriage, I will not need to know anything or get us to counselling. <P>Taxman,<BR>It is precisely the sinister plot that has me all blown away. I mean, why does the witch OP need to get the cake for pyscho? Maybe, if not for such a pyscho, my WS would have continued for three decades?<P>I guess I would have to go counselling and get WS to tell the truth and then leave it to God to dispense His approval.<P>Your word TRY really helps. It is comforting to hear that I don't have to blast the music and say "Let's dance, baby! Let's put the past and I forgive you and love you and ..".<P>By the way, how are you coping with your blues? Are you seeing a therapist to work through your feelings?<P>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>from weep

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Weep,<P>Sorry to hear about your down times. My situation never seemed to get quite as bad as yours, but there was a time when I to felt like the otherman was the cause of all the problems in my life. I came to realize that he was not. Mostly, I am to blame for the troubles that come into my life or should I say I am to blame for the attitude I take for the trouble that comes into my life. Early in my wife's affair, I choose to feel pretty depressed and angry. I thought life as I knew it could never be again. Well I was right and sure am glad. I am sorry to hear about your dad. Not sure it helps at all, but for me, I have come to not fear death as much as I used to. I used to think that death meant the end of life. I do believe that death is actually rebirth into a new life. Not quite sure what that new life will entail, but I am not as afraid of it as I used to be. My guess is your dad is doing quite well in his new life. I am not much for quoting the bible, but I recently came a cross a card that I think God sent to me that led me to a bible verse that has helped me understand the troubles in my life and actually come to appreciate them. The verse is from Romans 5:3 and it says "We can rejoyce, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us - they help us learn to be patient". This has helped me look at the happenings in my life in a whole new way. Instead of looking at my wifes affair as something horrible, I see the good that has come out of it. For me it is what openned my eyes to the way my wife and I had been living. It helped me to finally be able to get into counciling on my own and deal with my problems. At first I blamed my wife for my problems. I felt that if she wouldn't go to counciling with me, our marriage would not get better. What I came to realize is that it wasn't my wife that needed to get better, it was me. I good book on working on the marriage alone is called "How one of you can bring the two of you together." Helped me change my attitude about things. Anyway, as much as the trouble in our life seem to bring us down, they always seem to happen for a reason. When you understand the reason, you start to see the troubles as blessings. As others have told you, keep working on yourself. Try not to dwell on the other woman, someday maybe you will understand why she is the way she is. My guess is she has had an awful life her self and probably knows no better. Maybe she will even grow from the tradgity's, but maybe not. Any, things will get better for you and your husband, just keep working on you.

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weep,<BR>You have suffered trauma upon trauma here...it is no wonder that your anger and bitterness have grown into something that frightens you. I don't believe that you have irrevocably changed into someone you don't like. I believe the fact that you see your present mental and emotional state as negative is a big step towards making the change you need.<P>First, let me tell you that the change isn't going to be instantaneous....it is going to take some time, but I don't believe it will be as much time as you might think. I would encourage you to begin by simply seeking a closer walk with God. Do you have a personal relationship with Him? Has He changed your life? If so, then you already have a foundation to work from. If not, I encourage you to begin praying for Him to lead you to someone who can help you begin a personal relationship with Him.<P>In telling you to seek a closer walk with God, I am suggesting that you try to set aside the desire to fix all the anger and bitterness right now. It is when you are in a more peaceful state of mind and emotion, that I believe you can begin to see the paths to forgiveness and healing more clearly.<P>I encourage you to get a copy of the One Year Bible (New Living Bible translation). This particular translation is written in an easier to read language than the King James or other translations. The Bible is set up with readings for each day of the week....one each from the Old and New Testaments, Psalms and Proverbs. I would encourage you for now to concentrate on the Psalms and Proverbs. I also encourage you to seek out a daily devotion book. I especially love Experiencing God Day by Day by Henry Blackaby and His Imprint, My Expression by Kay Arthur. I would direct you first to the Blackaby book. It is easily read in 10-15 minutes a day and I believe can help you greatly.<P>I would also encourage you to begin listening to Contemporary Christian music. This may sound like a strange suggestion, but it is so much more uplifing and positive than secular music. I wake up almost every morning with praise songs going through my head....what an awesome way to start the day!<P>I can suggest other books for you on forgiveness and anger, but I honestly believe concentrating on your own spiritual healing first will better pave the way for them later.<P>Your anger is not bad, weep. It is a legitimate reaction to some terrible things in your life. Don't beat yourself up for it. But at the same time, don't let it destroy you. It is the way you respond to your anger and deal with it that can be bad and destructive. <P>Your husband's desire to move on and not deal with this is not all that abnormal either, but it is an unhealthy thing to do. I would encourage you to try to find a way to begin counseling with or without him.<P>You can overcome this and become someone that you like. From my own experience, I believe a close, personal relationship with Jesus Christ is the best way to do that. <P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

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Dear Tim,<P>Thank you for making the trip over from Recovery to help me.<P>I totally agree that I need to focus on myself to find my inner worth again after such tragedies and crises. I always believed that when one is stripped of everything materially and emotionally and in this case even beloved ones, your soul should be able to shine for what it is worth. My soul is tortured now and I am asking God for a new one. <P>You are right that from horrible things we can get lessons and positives out of them. I have often advised others that the true measure of a human being is the ability to rise from the ashes again and again, every single time becoming a better person. I am not that strong but at least I have Jesus as my Saviour and Deliverer and that is all I am clinging on at the moment.<P>Yes, I agree that things happen for a reason but there are consequences to that, and too many people were caught in the consequences. But I still believe that good can come out of it. My father accepted Jesus as he was dying and that is after a life of idolatry. That is one of the most beautiful positives in this nightmare.<P>Tim, I am very encouraged by your post and the others as well, even though I am still suffering. I just enrolled for a foreign language course yesterday, and would like to take up dancing but at the moment I feel that my feet are a little laden. <P>What are you doing to perk up?<P>God bless you <BR>take care<BR>from weep<P>

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Dear HGBrawner,<P>Thank you for helping me and popping over from Recovery, too.<P>Your advice has given me great practical things to do. I have been searching for a good bible because the one I have is a small travel size type. Thanks for the references. I have also been searching for one such as 'Everyday with Jesus' but to no avail. Lately, I have been so distraught, I have not being able to read the bible and do quiet time at all. You are a godsend. This is indeed one area that I know God is convicting me of. Your are about the fourth person recently to ask me about that but the first to give me practical references. I will look for the books next week when I make a trip to a Christian bookstore.<P>I do have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus. I think I am hiding from Him now because of my anger and sinning since I discovered WS's A. Many people have told me that as long as I hold on to anger and unforgiveness, God will not listen to my prayers and will not bless me. Is that right?<P>One pastor did tell me that God understands and is forgiving of my failing but many others at church said the above.<P>Given the dire consequences of my WS's A, I was tormented and was in emotional trauma (a term I learnt at a healing ministry). There I was healed of the pits of violence, suicidal thoughts and other horrendous emotions that have imprisoned me. In fact, the pastor at the ministry was very annointed and as he came towards me, he broke into a song about 'opens prison doors, sets the captive free'for about 5 minutes or so, and touched my head without even knowing my problem. Healed my mother of a bad knee as well (without asking).<P>My baby was also made whole because baby was witness to every fight and always saw me sobbing. My child never cried and has always been very grown up but after the pastor laid hands, my baby cried out loud for the first time, and has since been crying and throwing little tantrums as all babies should do.<P>My WS is clinging on to the victim story and will not seek counselling all these months and will get angry and defensive everytime I ask him stuff about his A. He is also against me going for counselling saying it is a waste of money and to stop living in the past. So, I am left stranded with all the issues and hate and baggage with nowhere to unload. Then in desperation I slashed the portrait painting of us and kicked him out of the home (my WS cannot recognise me anymore, too). He agreed to go counselling the next day after the posters at POPW prayed.<P>HGBrawner, that I survived this long and even at all is due to God's Hand in my life, and I thank Him that His Grace is sufficient for my needs (I will post some stuff in POPW concerning God's Amazing Grace under my thread). However, the daily living is tough and I seem to be wasting time and wasting life mired in such pain and hollowness. I hate to be like this. Thanks again for telling me that going to God first is a start, and that God will lead me back. I think that I have been influenced by timeline demands and goodwill pressure from loved ones.<P>And how is your life now?<P>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>from weep<P>

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weep<BR>My life is wonderful. I have received such blessings from God and continue to hear from Him daily....in big and small ways. I know you've heard me say often that I can never be grateful for the sin that came into my life in the affair, but I am eternally grateful for how God revealed Himself and all He has done for me and my husband. One of the things I am grateful for is the chance to reach out to people who are seeking solace and offer some small help.<P>I believe that God hears the cries of His children....those who know Him in a personal way. Your pain and anger may keep you from hearing Him as clearly, however. Those who know Him as personal Lord and Savior always belong to Him and He will never turn His back on them. Those of your church family who tell you that He won't listen to you are mistaken, in my opinion. I believe their job in this crisis is simply to love you through it. By this I mean they are to hug you and dry your tears, pray for you and with you, and offer you their caring. God is the One who will convict you of any sin in your own life, not your fellow church members. <P>I encountered a similar experience to yours from some of the people in our former church. Some pretty harsh things were said to me and backs were turned in the crisis. I freely admit that my behavior wasn't what it should have been. I was hurt and angry and caught up in those emotions. But I can tell you that turning to God for help make the difference. One thing that the feelings of being abandoned by our church family did was to cause my husband and me to cling to each other and to God. I was able to hear God more clearly because I didn't have the human voices cluttering up my hearing. <P>I believe we Christians are called to love one another when in crisis. We can't condone sin and I believe I've shared with you over on Recovery in the past that I was concerned about the depth and potential destructiveness of your anger. But God calls me to offer you constructive ways to deal with that through Him, not condemnation. This is what I believe your church family should be doing along with some serious prayer on your behalf.<P>So, some more suggestions. Tune out the humans (except for your pastor, he is speaking to you Biblically). Don't talk to them about this. Focus solely on listening for God's voice. Seek His peace through the Bible and devotionals. I know that God will show you the way out of this.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

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Dear HGBrawner,<P>Sorry, I was away for a short while to try to do something about the anniversary but it didn't turn out well at all.<P>I have tried on one occasion to ask you to help me some months back but I couldn't seem to post even after several attempts. I was sure I did not suceed and when I tried to check the next few days, I couldn't find anything I posted nor your replies. That was strange - did I miss your post to me?<P>A strange thing that happened in WS'A was that everyone said 'it was not their place to cast the stone' and WS has a lot of support from church and even my family. He would tell them what I was doing to him and the questions that I want him to answer and they would laugh with him! Can you imagine that the 'sinner' is now 'mollycoddled' while I am the one who 'should get over with it and not live in the past?'. I think they have taken the word 'about not casting the first stone' and about 'all are sinners', etc.. to the extent that I am the one who should be magnanimous and since God has forgiven me my sins, I should forgive my WS his or God will not forgive me my sins.<P>WS has a twist on this and would say that I am now sinning with all my anger and violence and unforgiveness whereas he has repented. He runs to seek refuge in God and pray while I am left feeling all broken and bewildered. <P>It seems that my WS is now rewarded with comfort and solace in Jesus' forgiving arms and I am hiding from God, licking my gaping wounds and trying to clutch onto my broken and bleeding heart with my bare hands, while simmering with anger. I am glad for God's peace in my WS's life and that he finally believes in God. However, I find it very hard to like, let alone forgive and live, with a man who makes a joke of my needing to know what really has gone on.<P>I know I need to tune out the 'noise' from people who wants to feel good that they can forgive and not throw stones at my expense.<P>We just started our first joint counselling with a professional counsellor and we will start individual counselling with the same before joint again. I really am at the end of myself - I keep throwing WS out and asking for a separation and divorce while WS threatens to kill the OP and then himself if that happens. So it drags on and it is darn hard to live with a reticent men who thinks he is a victim. It seems like his pain is more than mine. <P>Thanks again for helping me and I am happy to hear that you know and recognise the voice of our shephard.<P>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>from weep

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Weep,<P>I highly suggest reading (and doing the required work) Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil McGraw. The first few chapters deal with defining all your built up resentments and then working on how to deal with them, and finally to let them go. <P>Believe me, I HAD alot of resentments, and in the midst of doing the exercises in the book I was extremely frustrated because they were not helping me to lose the resentments, BUT after a few weeks of pondering everything I was doing in the book, I woke up one morning, and I had inner-peace, and the resentments were totally gone! This book was the only thing that worked for me, please try it!<P>Good Luck and please let me know if it works for you!

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Dear Wifeofcop,<P>Thank you so much for stopping by to offer me the book reference that has helped you. <P>I will try to find the book at a bookstore. If not, can I buy it over the net? I have never bought anything over the net before as I was afraid of security issues - have you done that before?<P>I do resent my WS for all the lies that he told me and for leading such a double life. I also resent him for using my past relationship which was abusive and try to even the playing field - I think it was below the belt and very irrelevant. Hence, I resent him for not being man enough to stand on his own two feet and admit everything that was wrong. I resent that he was like a little boy. Boy, I do need a lot of books.<P>I have been very unhappy that the only counselling we got was against his will as he wouldn't go. But the pastors and church elder were very kind and came to our home all those times just so that we can receive counselling, particularly me.<P>Now, we just started counselling by a professional marital and family therapist and I am not sure for how long he would go. But this time, I will go whatever.<P>Thank you again for your kindness and help.<P>I haven't 'met' you before. How is your life? I do pray that it is good.<P>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>from weep

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Hi Weep....<P>I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now. You have gotten lots of great advice, and I hope that it helps you.<P>As for buying the book Relationship Rescue--I purchased it from Barnes and Noble (bn.com) on the web. I'm sure it's also available from amazon.com, borders.com, and any other book store either on the web, or at the stores themselves. I have done lots (way too much) buying over the web, and haven't had any problems at all. As long as it's a secure site, and any of the big ones are, you should be OK.<P>Hope this info helps.....

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Weep,<P>You can purchase Relationship Rescue at any major bookstore or on the web, I have never had a problem purchasing on the internet.<P>Also, Dr. Phil McGraw, the author, is on Oprah every Tuesday, and is very insightful. <P>I have read alot of your posts and can identify with the resentment you have in your life. My H. is suffering from depression and in July gave me the "I love you but am not in love with you anymore" speech. He will not seek help for his depression or for our marriage. I have been in Plan A since July and it just wasn't working for me in the beginning. I discovered that I or we could not move forward until I dealt with and got over all the resentment I was harboring. I am now over the resentment, and although my Plan A is much more effective, my life with H. is still in limbo, but at least now I have some hope.<P>Good luck to you, and please let me know if you purchase the book and have any questions with it. It was frustrating for me while reading it and doing the exercises because it didn't seem to be working, and I even stopped and put the book away for awhile, but it was then that I was really able to think things through and the resentment disappeared. I hope it works for you!!

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