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Dear {{{{Schizzo}}}}<P>Thank you so much for your insightful comments.<P>I have not read Tyndale or Expositor's but would try to do so in the future. Can you explain a little more about the books?<P>How much did learning and then reading the bible in Hebrew and Greek (am I right?) help in your understanding of God's teachings and your growth as a Christian? <P>As to the question about what the pastor actually meant about giving a person of no value some value by being with him, I think the pastor meant infusion and reflection (maybe like reflected glory or glow? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] )<P>I would need all the prayers in the world to lift up the bible to read because I feel so depressed. Whenever I get my hands on the bible, I would try to read all I can at that one sitting because I know I would lose steam for a while after that. It really is that bad. I must not be discouraged - this is what I need to tell myself from now onwards. <P>Yes, children need both parents to be and feel complete but I know there are exceptions. I need to pray about this. Maybe fast as well.<P>Schizzo, I hope you can pray for me to receive God's wisdom and strength to live my live according to His Word and for my baby to be whole and my WS to be wiser. I will pray for you that God's will be done in yours and your H's lives and that you have peace, love and joy all the days of your healthy and prosperous life. What else can I pray for?<P>Thanks amd Blessings <BR>from weep

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Dear {{{{sing}}}}<P>Thank you for your prayers, I really need and appreciate them.<P>I have been very concerned about you and your sons. Now that you are not working, perhaps you can use the time to pray and fast so that God can lead your H to a new understanding and that the scales fall from his eyes and his heart becomes soft toward you and the boys. I would suggest that you ask your pastor to help you intercede because Jesus has promised that 'when two or three are gathered in my name...I will answer your prayers..." (book of Matthew). <P>Thank you for caring because it helps to know that I am not alone and I need to rise above the situation from time to time till I can walk tall and upright again. There are many things that I have not written about because they really are quite horrendous and would complicate what is already a very twisted saga. All the counsellors have said that my case is very complicated. That must be the reason why God has given excessive Grace - Amazing Grace which I owe to God to testify.<P>With love and prayers<BR>from weep

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dear weep,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>There are many things that I have not written about because they really are quite horrendous and would complicate what is already a very twisted saga. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I figured as much. I saw red flags going up in this thread and felt there was more going on than dealing with infidelity.<P>Dare I ask if you are dealing with abuse? A man who can joke about your pain is not a loving man. I've been corresponding with a poster named Renae for months. She tentatively came to realize what she lived at home would be termed abuse, even spiritual abuse. He used the Word to put her down among other things. She posts in Other Topics Forum. <P>Although usually at MB, we support each other in saving marriages, we have all advised her to leave and yet she hasn't.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I need to know that my WS is truthful about the A so that at least I will be able to start to trust a little of what he says now. For instance even his compliment that I have a nice figure makes me cringe and my 'liar radar' goes up and I still feel so ugly and second best since his A. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I needed to know everything except the sexual details.<P>I am finally confident that my h is not keeping anything back. He confessed to both affairs without being caught and didn't give it to me one piece at a time like so many have had. I needed a basis on which to rebuild. If you think he is not being totally open, how can you begin to trust again?<P>If he gives you a compliment, either 1. he really feels it or 2. he is being nice and trying to meet your needs. So I would just thank him. It was a big step for me when I began to feel they came from his heart.<P>However, if you feel ugly and less special, as I did, this is an issue of your self esteem. You tell YOURSELF that you are ugly, etc. because of what he did.<P>It is up to you to change your self talk. Replace those lies with the truth, each and every time you start thinking that way.<P>Apparently the OW was quite beautiful, maybe better looking than I. (She was 17 yrs younger). THAT SAYS NOTHING ABOUT ME, ABOUT MY OWN BEAUTY. You must focus on building back your self-esteem.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He agreed to give me some allowance when I agreed to quit my career to look after my lovely baby. He doesn't give me a dime although he has a new job.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>weep, it doesn't sound like a marriage to me. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]Since he is responsible for child support, you might do better financially without him and maybe you should take out life insurance on him if you are really worried about him taking his life.<P>I know it sounds cold, but as I told Renae, THERE IS NO SHAME IN DOING WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR PRECIOUS BABY.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have not read Tyndale or Expositor's but would try to do so in the future. Can you explain a little more about the books?<P>How much did learning and then reading the bible in Hebrew and Greek (am I right?) help in your understanding of God's teachings and your growth as a Christian? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>They are different commentaries that go in detail through the Bible book by book. I cannot read Hebrew or Greek, despite my facility with languages (I do speak Spanish and Portuguese). It was with the help of the commentary that I could take apart the original word by word.<P>The sad thing is that in the church I used to go, they referred to anything like this as relying on man's wisdom rather than God's. I now realize this means the preacher claimed to have a perfect link to God as the Holy Spirit showed him exactly what the Word meant. And so many times it went against the clear meaning of the verse in its context!<P>Please don't add this as another reason to feel guilty! I did it before the kids came and I enjoyed it.<P>I only mentioned it because I think you are in the same kind of church I was and it may be making it harder for you to act right now.<P>For instance, one thing I was taught was that God had a perfect will for our lives that included all the details (well, maybe except for the color shirt I wear today). So if we pray hard enough, he would show us and we should always have "a peace about it" regarding life's tough decisions.<P>I just haven't found any of that to be true in the Word or in life. Not making a decision to leave my h is a decision to stay. There is no neutral place. My h is facing a really difficult decision of leaving his job right now. We can't know for sure which is the best path, only that we followed the right process while praying for wisdom. The peace is always in hindsight.<P>And I have more peace about my life knowing I don't have to get it exactly right. That God knows my heart and I am continually striving to gain more wisdom and become more like Christ.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>As to the question about what the pastor actually meant about giving a person of no value some value by being with him, I think the pastor meant infusion and reflection (maybe like reflected glory or glow? )<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>In that case, he may get some glow, but he will be sapping it from you. A person of no value is a person of no value unless he falls on his knees and finds his value in Christ AND LIVES IT!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Whenever I get my hands on the bible, I would try to read all I can at that one sitting because I know I would lose steam for a while after that.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's how I was approaching my workouts, but I'm enjoying them now. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]I tell you what, read one of the gospels. Read about Jesus as if you had never heard any of it before. And set the timer, only let yourself read for 15 or 20 minutes.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Yes, children need both parents to be and feel complete but I know there are exceptions. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Definitely. My mother stayed with a man who abused me for years starting when I was 3. But it doesn't have to be that blatant. She's a little girl, right? Would you choose this man TODAY to be her father?<P>My husband has put me through hell. He has had a job with 70% travel for 7 years. While I was home doing the work of two parents, he was going 1st class all the way, all over the world. He didn't give any of himself. If we ever went on a date, he would take calls on his cell phone. This is obviously the short version and there are many ways I didn't meet his needs.<P>Then I find out that for 18 months our marriage had been a lie. There was one OW for 6 months, she broke it off, and then the second OW for 4 months when he chose to confess.<P>I was devastated. But his actions afterwards sound way different than what you are living. He was clear that he wasn't in-love with me and he went through withdrawal for a few months.<P>So it was not an overnight change at all. Today, I really believe he sees me and the kids as what really matters in life. He has not so much told me as shown me by his life.<P>He admits that he went looking for an affair in both cases because of his own unhappiness. For 6 months in one case and 3 in another, he used his travel to make it easy to keep it all from me. He knew it wasn't right but he chose EACH TIME to pursue the affair. He admits that he chose to do wrong.<P>I see the change in his life and have some understanding of what was missing before. I don't see how I could move on with him without his honesty and the changes I have seen.<P>While I still wonder if he can be the "love of my life" in every sense, I could not TODAY choose a better father for my two little ones.<P>Wow, this has turned into a book and I'm late to pick up my kids. I hope something I said may help you. You asked what you could pray for - wisdom to sort through the job options and that the Lord would open the doors. I will pray for the Lord to also give you wisdom to really see your own situation objectively and strength to act as you realize what you need to do.<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>cindy<P> <P><p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited January 10, 2001).]

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Weep,<P>Thanks for the prayers. I am doing so much better. The last few days I have been so at peace. Think it is more than school here finally started after 3 1/2 wk break. I have been reading the Praying Wife & Parent books, they have helped, thanks for turning me to them. <P>My sons are okay, except OS GPA, he was over his head in 2 classes in the fall, & is the classic underachiever, but maybe he will finally get on track, H didn't go ballistic like I thought he would when I finally showed his OS grades.<P>I don't have any advice for you. All I have is prayers. Glad you are seeing a counselor. Hope he helps. Remember you & your baby are the most important things in this mess, your H has to live with what he & OP did. It is not you, is him. <P>Prayers as always for you.

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Dear {{{{Cleo}}}}<P>Thank you for your prayers.<P>Very happy to hear that you and your H are almost out of the woods. I think the history that you both have together plays a part but the fact that you can love him and he can feel the love you have for him makes him realise that this is a woman worth working for. I wish you Godspeed and that you both fall in love again and laughter, mirth and gaiety fill the air. I wish you gobs of happiness and rainbows all your long healthy and prosperous lives.<P>Now about moi, sigh:<P>I believe that my WS is only slowly confronting issues after I told the counsellor and WS that he has avoided all the bad feelings about what he had done so that he wouldn't feel like a bad person. I really need a kick and start becoming more Christ-like. Problem is, WS would probably say - now that you have recovered, we don't need counselling anymore! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Sometimes in the pits of my despair, I sense that I may have a lot of things to achieve and WS, being extremely possessive and chauvinistic, is a hindrance to my potential. So, his A has made me lose the love and aching for approval from him, and I can actually go forward in life to achieve the things I am capable of instead of toeing his line. Cleo, I read in the bible about the talents and how one should not keep talents buried but to multiply them. I hope I am not sounding too proud and vain but I have been told by many that I have been given talents, and some have said "too many till you are confused and even sidetracked". <P>Most of what I put my mind to do, I do well, whether the arts or technology or management or communications, or teaching or .... My WS is academically and corporately successful and he doesn't see the need for me to do anything groundbreaking. Now, I know and feel differently. Please pray that God reveals to me what I am best at - I am hoping to write some books, start a business/es, etc.. I hope to be very successful so that I can contribute to missionary work, children causes, and maybe the work by the Harleys should they want to go nonprofit and campaign for fidelity and committed marriages and pre-marital counselling. It is scary to share my dreams in a public forum but what is life without goals, especially now that romantic(?) love has died?<P>I don't know how WS can stomach volunteer work [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] . He hasn't done any with me, just observed my brother and I. He is like a very clean, easily putoff boy. Wouldn't even help me to do my girdles two days after my caesarian because he doesn't want to see pain. He ran off and I shouted after him that I really need his help. He finally came back and when he saw my plastered abdomen said 'urgh'. I also recalled him saying that a very self-centered nephew of his is excellent because there is nothing wrong about putting oneself first above all else.<P>I really thought they were just opinions and not a way of life [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I am so wrong. I think I will start off first when I am healed and in a positive mood (wouldn't want to send out negative vibes) and he is open to joining me later. Cleo, I am excited I am getting ideas already. I wanted to teach the computers in the beginning and personal grooming, but I think I can also take up sewing and hairdressing and teach those and cut hair, too. Too ambitious? I used to help organise exhibitions of works by the disabled - maybe can do that again. Will think 2003? Is it too far off? Will pray about that.<P><BR>Hey, I am complaining and going on and on about how horrible he is and how good I am. Actually, I am too darn soft and weak and submissive and laid back. I should do well to just get up and braze the world [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] That is a love buster to WS but then I don't even know or care anymore. I also need to earn my keep now or my savings will dry up soon.<P><BR>Cleo, if you detect delirium - it is coffeeee!<P>Hey, and I changed to a new browser because the old one was so problematic, so I just read your post.<P>Blessings and God shine upon your marriage<BR>love from weep

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Dear Weep,<P>I am praying that God will give you a clear sense of direction. I am hoping that you can somehow step away from your situation and be able to look at it an your options from a different, clearer perspective. Your marriage sounds so tense and chaotic and issues just don't seem to be resolving.<P>To answer your questions. I rarely drink. Alcohol just doesn't taste good to me, though I do like to get a good buzz going. However, I used to get drunk in college, and more recently when W told me of her affair I got royally blitzed to numb the pain. I was at a loss and didn't know what else to do. Then when I left my former job, my co-workers threw a big party for me at a local pub, and I admit I got wasted there. Your husband is right, alcohol will definitely loosen your normal inhibitions and you will do things you wouldn't normally do if you were sober. I left my going away party with two hickeys and memories of recieving a french kiss from somebody. I am ashamed of my behavior now as I look back, but then, I was having the time of my life. Your husband's drunk may well have led him to do things he normally wouldn't do. <BR>The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, without getting into great detail is the best policy for revealing affairs. Because my wife hid her affair for over 4 years, our marriage deteriorated because of her guilt feelings, made her pull away from me even more. I was wondering,"What's wrong with me? She doesn't want to be with me, or do things with me, she doesn't want sex, I can't please her anymore. She pushes me away and acts like she doesn't even like me."<BR>I had no idea she was hiding a big secret from me. I'm convinced you can't keep secrets and expect a marriage to thrive. If you know the truth, you can work with it. If you don't the truth, you are working with one hand tied behind your back. It's hard to resolve anything thataway.<BR>It was important to me know the painful details of her affair. I wanted to ascertain the extent. Was it a hormonal fling? Yes. Was it romantic? Yes. She confessed to asking him if he would leave his wife for her. OUCH!!! Like you, it was hard for me to think that I wasn't special, exclusive, chosen anymore. It was hard for me to imagine another man with his hands on my wife's body, doing things reserved only for me, and she was actively, enthusiastically participating in this betrayal! Why stay? But like you I had a nice home, a wonderful child, financial responsibilities, wife's suicide threats, I couldn't just chuck the whole ball of wax.<BR>I did not confess my affairs until after discovery. My wife found a love letter I had written under the floor mat of my Lincoln when she was cleaning my car. The other discovery was when she picked up the phone and overhead me talking to OW from a phone upstairs in another part of the house. These were revenge affairs so in a way I wanted to be discovered, but I sure didn't like the feeling of being caught with my hand in the cookie jar! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I felt then that I had nothing to lose by lying so I told the truth to any questions put to me, though I did keep my answers brief and did not go into great detail.<BR>More later. I've got to get to bed.<BR>Hang in there!<BR>Rockaway<BR><p>[This message has been edited by rockaway (edited January 11, 2001).]

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Dear Schizzo,<P>My WS actually is a very reticent person and keeps to himself a lot. Very self-centered and I think either over or under confident. Men thinks he is over confident; women thinks he is underconfident. I think he is just quite shallow. It worries me that he seems to lack a deep soul. I think his inhumane behaviour towards me could be patterned after his own father's. The counsellor said that often family patterns take over once a couple settle into a marriage. <P>His bio mother told me that her WS did not give her any care and concern when he took on a OW for the rest of their marriage. She is very bitter because she had to look after six children and he wouldn't give her a dime, even if she wanted to spend on female sanitary stuff, outside a tight grocery budget. Unfortunately, I only know this last year when the OW died and his bio mother started pouring out all her sorrows. So, my WS must have learnt that sort of behaviour (?).<P>His own mother said that my WS is confused about who his real mother is and that he is very stubborn and chauvinistic, believing he is in the right all the time. Hard nut to crack, distant, stingy (she said miserly). Sounds like she doesn't like him very much. She said she wanted to abort him because she was sick of her WS's As.<P>So, maybe it really is necessary to look at his upbringing to see the product that he is now. Unkind to his wife. I think he is trying different tactics to get a certain result. He started off sobbing and sorrowful. He became angry once my initial shock and denial and prayers stopped and I asked him about the A. He became increasingly fierce and loud and would wake up baby just to get me off his case. He later said that I dare be angry and fierce with him because he is too kind. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] . He even said that he slept with the OP because he was too kind (d-day).<P>He laughs and then dramatises and make faces and mimicks me when I ask him questions - to buy time? to avoid answering? He also tells others and they all laugh with him - to make the poor 'sinner' (as he calls himself) feel less bad, I think. So, that was why I got mad and voilent and lately, I just find myself caged in by his disappointing childish and stupid antics.<P>He said he was a victim and insisted on the blackmails - he said Jesus saw everything. Now I am more hesistant to believe his words when he used God's name because he has been crafty and slippery, using verbal maneuverings to get out of a tight spot.<P>My counsellor has suggested a separation because of the emotional blackmails and also WS is geeting more and more defiant. He hit me a few times on my legs, after I hit him, and threatened to hit me when I asked more questions. Once, I called my siblings to my home and they questioned us and packed my stuff but WS pleaded with them. I stayed but the counsellor is noticing that WS is getting defiant. That night, WS punched me hard twice in his sleep and said it was a nightmare. I punched him back.<P>Prior to his A, I have been cowed so often; forced to change my clothes when he disapproved of them (when we married, I stopped modelling and he made me wear Victorian looking clothes), and I cannot even talk to someone of the opposite sex above the age of 17. He would be very angry and give me the cold and silent treatment and glare at me or the poor kid. He would praise my capabilities at work then condemn them. I became very edgy and nervous and would not want to rock the boat.<P>I remember how we went on a long vacation and he made me pay a certain percentage of it as calculated against our wages. He wanted me to pay more and I refused. His annual salary far exceeds my annual because of bonuses but he insisted on calculating based on monthly. I felt very disappointed, especially when he would boast to me "See, I make all your dreams come true. Remember I took you to St Moritz's - you are lucky".<P>I used to let remarks like the above go but one time I was so disappointed at the sham, I burst out "We took ourselves to St Moritz". He cried foul.<P>I think he is delusional. I am deluded. When I worked, I helped pay the mortgage, and other stuff. I really think it is an unfair marriage. He thinks I have it real good. He likes to put a show that he is the man, I think, and come to think of it, how can he really live with the fact that those were lies (ie, he fully paid for the trips, etc) and still not feel his conscience pricking?<P>You see, I am so sad and disappointed. He said he had a sometimes physically and verbally abusive relationship with OP. I know there are so many things that should not have been and is in this marriage, that is why I cannot love him because of the way he treats me and the way he is. <P>I haven't read Dobson's Tough Love but I have heard it is really good. In fact, the elder in my church recommended this book to us. I haven't been reading too much lately because I am editing a book to be published this year. But will need to really get back to reading. Thanks<P>Schizzo, and I am only replying this post, haven't gone back to reread the other. Sorry, this is so long.<P>God bless you<BR>take care from weep<P><p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited January 11, 2001).]

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Dear {{{{alone1}}}},<P>Thank you for your prayers and best wishes. Yes, I really need them and need to find forgiveness in Jesus Christ. I am all broken up just as most everyone on this forum is. <P>I hope you are well, are you? Please let me know what I can do, such as prayers. <P>I haven't really been following the posts as I was away and had computer problems and am now very dissected and discouraged. I know with God and all of your help and support, I will get better and be able to post to others again real soon. SO, if I missed your latest, please don't be offended.<P>God shine upon your life,<BR>with love from weep<P>

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Dear Weep,<P>I want to send you this prayer. It is a song by Andrew Culverwell. Hope it soothes your soul like it does mine.<P>Cover me Lord with your presence.<BR>Cover me Lord with your righteousness.<BR>Cover me Lord with your holiness.<BR>Lord Jesus cover me.<P>I need your protection <BR>From danger and harm.<BR>Shelter me safe <BR>In Your strong loving arms.<BR>Help me to see<BR>There's no cause for alarm.<BR>Lord Jesus cover me.<P>Under Your shadow<BR>I won't be afraid.<BR>Cover me Lord<BR>Till the storm blows away.<BR>And then in the heat<BR>Of a beautiful day<BR>Lord Jesus cover me.<P>Lord Jesus cover me.<P>Lord Jesus, cover Weep today.<P>Rockaway, a.k.a. Pilgrim

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Weep, <P>I could spen an hour writing to you. I am so sorry that I can't do that right now. <BR>I think that I have shared this bible verse with you before. You seem especially low today. Read Psalm 143. It was my mantra when I was feeling especially low. <P>Take care of yourself Weep.<BR>cleo

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Dear Schizzo,<P>Thank you very much for your very perceptive reply. Sorry that it made you late. Please don't be late for the kids again.<P>I really feel very very vulnerable to have to speak about the problems and wishes in my life. I feel very very sad and insecure that I am taking up valuable time of others because I can't seem to come to a grip of my situation. I have never been on this side before as I have always been the agony sister to my friends and strangers. It makes me feel very selfish and self-centred to take up your time. Are my problems very clear to all of you or are they very sketchy and makes little sense? To me, it is the latter.<P>I am always worried that the OP might be lurking because the OP called everyone up, including myself to check the pulse of our marriage after d-day to see if d is on the cards.<P>So, I have kept a lot of other information under wraps because they are too personal and in many cases even cruel. I told WS that he was very cruel and he said that 'inadvertently I was'. I mean if I never had a strong sense of self before, I would surely have gone under during a very difficult pregnancy where I was hospitalised on one occasion. WS was uncontactable all through my difficult pregnancy whether he was in here or away. I depended on my colleagues to look after me. There were other excruciatingly painful times in my pregnancy when he laughed and make horrible remarks about my body. I am stopping at one with this man. Fortunately, my colleagues and other professional models were very surprised that I looked even better pregnant, and that gave me a lot of morale booster.<P>When I asked WS why he was so cruel and denigrating during that time, he defended that he was only teasing and joking. I cannot forget those remarks. I know a lot of girlfriends and even men tell me that he is stupid to say those things - very immature and childish. Another spanner in the works.<P>Schizzo, I know that this is not the man for me but I have made choices, made a deathbed promise, and mainly because of my baby, that I am even trying to seek the truth. If there were no ties, I would have kicked him out for other reasons besides the infidelity which is actually the final straw. <P>I try to live a nonjudgemental life even as the insult or wrong is jabbing my eye and I let my H had his way. I think he took my kindness and steadfastness for granted. He said that he wants the wonderful old me back as he missed her. I would never in a million years be such a 'superwoman' for him again. I am sad to not be in love with a man because it is a special feeling that intoxiates the mind and heart and soul with the tinkling sound of music and mirth. My heart goes 'thud' and I often have to carry it in both hands [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] .<P>Schizzo, I am sorry to hear of your childhood and that is a reason that I have to pray very hard and be very watchful about. After all that I have seen and heard, I cannot simply deny outright unless I am certain that he doesn't have those wicked inclinations. I will be extra watchful.<P>I understand perfectly what you mean when you say a new man. I am disappointed that WS is very irresponsible with my welfare but that would spur me to work again. <P>Schizzo, do you want to pray for a non-travelling or less-travelling job for your H? You can be very specific about the working environment in your prayers.<P>Thank you so much for listening and I hope I am not wasting time and space. I am already embarrassed at all this dissection of my life. I just wish I can hurry along and disappear.<P>God bless you<BR>love from weep<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited January 12, 2001).]

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Dear Rockaway,<P>Thank you so much for your replies. They help me greatly in understanding that recovery is about the truthfulness and transparency I believe is necessary to build on. I also get a feel about what being drunk is like [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Thank you so much for the prayer song. It really struck a chord with me and I have written it in the inner front page of my filofax. I had a premonition of my baby being dropped on the journey from the operating theatre to the nursery in the early months of pregnancy. I prayed for that horrible thought to go away and for peace. Instead a distinct thought came to me again and again till I kept praying for Jesus to cover my baby every step of the way. The elder in my church said it is a revelation because the accident happened when my baby was wheeled out of the operating theatre and as soon as the door slid open, an unmanned (the male nurse actually shoved it hard forward and released the unoccupied adult mental bed) bed hit my baby's cot hard and it spun out of the midwife's hands. The midwife was the most experienced at the hospital and she caught the cot and the baby.<P>My WS witnessed this first hand. He was astonished that God revealed this accident to me - which shows to him that God is real. Furthermore, I was praying with him about this aspect every night he is here and not travelling. So, he was stunned.<P>One lady told me that when God reveals something like this, He wants you to leave it to prayers and show you how He can deliver you out of it. I actually had a vision of the adultery and flashes of adultery stuff but trusted H too much to be WS, so I brushed them aside - didn't pray about it at all until my sister called me one night to say that she feels that my H will be drunk and there will be a wicked temptress and prayed with me.<P>Rockaway, I am uplifted by your prayers and the prayers of sing, cleo, cindy, HGBrawner, hw, taj, OOOO, alone1, and others, because I managed to read OOOO's post and post a reply!. I also reflect on how God is the author and finisher of our lives and how He is the one who will be with us all through our lives, through thick and thin and He is the only one who knows every detail about us and our hearts. Surely that is enough. His grace should be sufficient.<P>God shine upon your marriage<BR>love from weep<P><p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited January 12, 2001).]

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Weep,<P>We've all needed to be on the receiving end sometimes. Please don't apologize. If I didn't want to spend my time this way, I wouldn't. Plain and simple.<P>You sound a lot like me in the self-esteem issues. On the one hand you KNOW that you are very lovely and capable and yet you feel down about yourself when you don't get the approval/love from your h.<P>There was something else you said though now I can't find it that rang a bell. I feel free for the first time because I don't need his approval anymore. One of the results of learning of the As was that I took charge of my own self-esteem.<P>I am going to a Christian therapist and working on the past to rebuild from scratch. He has stressed many times that I need a stable, loving environment for this journey.<P>I think that is true for you too. Harley teaches plan A (very one-sided) for 6 months. If your h does not change his ways, you may want to read up on plan B. You would have to stand firm, though, as it sounds like he will try anything to avoid that. My mom and step-dad were like that. She tried many times to leave him.<P>I have learned in this last year that it IS possible to stand alone with my faith in the Lord. My h is the only peson I have and I faced single motherhood without him. I don't have loving parents or aunts or even friends, nobody.<P>This realization alone caused my self-esteem to shoot up. I AM a wonderful person (whether h or anyone else thinks so) and I can learn to feel God's love. I can also give myself the reassurance I need.<P>Although not Christian, I have a good tape series on self-image. It helped me through some tough spots. I'll find it and give you the name, if you like.<P>Tell me more about your baby...<P>BTW, I've never had premonitions. I think some people have this gift?<P>

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