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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 4
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I kissed another man at a party and my husband saw me. I have dealt a deadly blow to my H and may have ruined my M. I don't know what to do to make it better. The guilt I feel is overwhelming, but nothing, I am sure, compared to the pain I have inflicted upon him. We have been married for a year and a half, hardly time for something like this to be happening already. I don't want this to kill my marriage, but I don't know how to convince him that I have learned from this mistake, and not only do I not want to EVER be responsible making him feel this way,but that I too can not live with this kind of guilt. I can't think of anything else, and wish so much that I never would have done this. If only I could go backwards in time...<P>He told me that he can not live without me, but that he does not trust me, and he does not know how to get the trust back. I suggested seeing a therapist, but he said he had to get through this on his own. Does anyone know how we can get through this alone, without the help of a professional? I don't know if he will go see someone. <P>One of my friends who knows about this asked me if I have some sort of need for affection from other men. I don't know that. She suggested that maybe my H does not fulfill some "need", but there is no way that I could or would suggest my behavior was a result of something that he did (or didn't do). I couldn't - - he is in so much pain, and nothing I can say seems to help at all. Someone once told me that I should see someone about my self esteem problem - could my behavior be a result of a lack of self esteem? Why would I do something like this to the man who loves me more than anything in the world? And what is worse, is why would I do it under the same roof as him? Anyone with some advice that can help us? I read another post from a man who had done this to a woman, does the advice from everyone else apply to me as well? I will do anything to prove my love and help him to forgive me.<p>[This message has been edited by madeamistake (edited December 18, 2000).]

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Before it all snowballs and becomes "too late", I suggest you invest in a copy of "His Needs/Her Needs". Read it and share it with your husband.<P>Don't stop communicating with him and continue to prove to him in everything you say and do that you love him, that you regret what you did and that it will never happen again.<P>Learn about the 4 Gifts of Love. Live it.<P>I wish you the best and lots of luck and I hope that he will see that by doing this, you will avoid hurting each other and can make each other happy.

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madeamistake - not to lessen your guilt or minimize his pain, since you've found this site, ask him to browse around a bit with you to see how much worse it could be. You should be able to recover with the right attitude and assistance.<P>For you, you need to find answers to your questions about your behavior through a counselor - you seem genuinely open minded about it - even if he won't participate.<P>Other than that, consider counseling with the Harleys for both of you - the term therapist sounds more clinical than counselor and maybe has a bad connotation for him.<P>Good luck - you caught it early. Both of you can post here for comfort and understanding.<P>WAT

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madeamistake,<P>Yes, a low self esteem or sense or self worth does cause us to do things we normally<BR>won't do. When our self esteeem is low we need affirmation from others. This makes us feel better about ourselves for a short time. As you have already seen it just leads to feelings of guilt later and then our self<BR>esteem gets lower. It is a self defeating cycle. It is up to you to stop it. saying your husband doesn't meet a need does mean he is wrong it just means you have different needs and one is not for sure about the others. One last thing , you don't have to tell me but if there was drinking at this party that also plays a part. <BR>I hope I helped.<BR>gentle

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re: gentle<P>Yes, there was drinking.

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madeamistake,<P>I am not judging anyone. I have just about done everything wrong someone can do...just about. Drinking gives us those same feelings <BR>we so much love to have. We feel sexier smarter...in general "better about ourselves".<BR>Of course this too is short lived. <BR>Then we are back to feeling bad about ourselves again.I am not against drinking. Drinking is not the problem, the attitude is the problem. This by no means makes you less guilty...just remember the lesson and don't fall into that trap again. If we don't learn from our mistakes the lessons get hardier. Take it from a 42 year old who has been married twice, and turn to many things to "feel better about myself".It is important that your husband understands that this had nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. The problem is you probably will not be the one to get him to understand this. It is also important that you forgive yourself first and work on yourself. Remember you can not convince your H of anything. There is always hope. When my H lefted me last year I didn't believe there was any hope. Once I truely started working on myself, I have seen many changes in my H attitude toward me. While I was trying to change or convince him myself, everything got worse. I now not only hope but know he will be back home.I hope this helps.<BR>gentle


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