Well, Christmas went pretty much as planned. My wife (WS) joined us for Christmas Eve dinner. Platonic but pleasant. She left afterwards ostensibly to go to her apartment. Her plan was to get up early, at my son's request, and come over to wake us up, open presents and then she'd go get ready for the drive to her pareant's for Christmas dinner. She arrived on time - 0530, pretty much dressed as she was the night before - definitely not her normal morning attire. We opened the presents and had an enjoyable time, but without any real emotion between us. Then she left to go to her apartment to get ready for Grandmom's. My conclusion was that she spent the night with OM.<P>At her parents, things were pretty normal. Her family loves me and she knows it, but she doesn't know that they know a little about her double life. Of course, she doesn't talk of her personal life. We have a nice dinner with no confrontations and then drive home. We depart with a hug, we thank each other for a nice Christmas, I give her a kiss on the cheek and tell her I love her. As usual, she doesn't resist, but just sort of acknowledges my gesture. We make tentative plans to go see a movie together with our son later in the week. End of story.<P>Wish I knew what was going on inside her head.<P>Dave (WAT)

If you can unlock the secret to figuring out what goes on inside the noggin, you'll become wealthy.<P>Our wives have been sharing the script again. You can read my post.<P>What is going on in my opinion is likely that lull period where they don't know what they want. OM is questionable, but they already determined the marriage was over. You keep showing your W what it can be like with the 3 of you together, and it will be pulling at her. Just need the OM fantasy to be wearing off, if it isn't/hasn't already.<P>By the way, when I signed up on MB, it was to ask one question. I didn't envision anything beyond that, so I made up an anonymous name. Now I am feeling guilty that it seemed obvious that you just strip the number off and presto, my name. It is really Larry, but I don't want to use it regularly yet. I might make another more abstract name soon, and leave the option open to sign my real name. My son has the same name as you <P><BR>

Dave,<P>I just posted to Rick/Larry's thread. He's right, they are similar. So, I'll be redundant. She's at least thinking about things. It's like being confused, I think. She thought she had all the answers and is probably realizing that it really isn't that cut and dry. Since the affair has been exposed, have things for her gotten better or worse? It could just be a really slow death of the A. Maybe they are trying to hold on to what they thought was the real thing. I know that by my d-day, things were starting to cool off between H and OW. Sometimes there can be too much pressure for things to be resolved with spouses and that can damage the A. They are living in la la land after all. Dealing with reality has to be a bummer. <BR>Enjoy your movie and let her enjoy her time with you.<P>take care<BR>cleo

Dave/Rick/Larry<P>I think Christmas is a particularly difficult time to read too much in to what the WS are thinking. It is a family oriented time and as such really doesn't support the fundamentals of an affair. So emotions really are all over the place.<P>For example, I am away from home on business this Christmas and my W has been very close to me by writing emails and phoning to keep in touch. Seemed she couldn't get enough communication going with me! It was short lived however, as boxing day it was back to the status quo.<P>She leaves at the end of the month to go see the OM for a week and it will be just me and my D. I know that the OM has proposed to her and is planning on going all the way to alter with her as fast as he can get there. He is pushing like crazy. My W is still at home however after 5 months, go figure. <P>Good to see you guys back on the forum!<BR>Colin<P><BR>

Guys and Gal, thanks for the replies. I think Rick is correct that they are trying to figure out what they want. Colin, yours seems to really be hesitant. <P>The fact that my wife tells no one about OM indicates to me that she's a long way from making any committment with him. If she was sure, seems she wouldn't be hesitant to be more open about it - especially to her family.<P>Nonetheless, she portrays no interest in me whatsoever. She goes thru some of the motions for the benefit of our son. So her Christmas involvement came across as fulfilliing an obligation rather than genuine enjoyment. The only real smiles came with interaction with our son. There may have been a brief moment of appreciation expressed to me, but she quickly snapped out of it.<P>Cleo, I think things have gotten progressively worse for her since she moved out in August, although she still denies an adulterous affair, and thus it's not "exposed" from her standpoint. The separation just hasn't turned out the way she expected. She expected to be happier and more comfortable around me (since she wouldn't have the day-to-day "stress" of living with me), but she's moody, generally unhappy, and is quick on the draw to snap at me for the most insignificant issues.<P>Thanks again,<BR>Dave

Dave,<P>My H sounds like your W. We had a nice Christmas, well boring really but nothing bad. I don't get gifts from him but what he gets me from each of the boys is very nice & expensive. It is just sometimes he looks so sad. At least your wife will let you kiss her, I would love to give my H a hug but I think he die, today he wouldn't even let me put suntan lotion on him at the beach. He is the coldest thing in Singapore, but he is here & the OW is in TX. I keep holding on to that thought. <P>

Dave,<P>Is it possible that she continues to deny the A because she holds on to the possibility that she could come home one day. If she was 100% sure that this new life would work out, why would she care?<BR>Just because she denies doesn't mean that she and OM aren't aware that their spouses know what is going on. It could just be an attempt at preservation.<P>--Just a little something to chew on...

Cleo - I think you're mostly correct. Both I and the OM's wife were onto the affair almost from the start - our families were very close. She has never ruled out reconciliation, but recently has characterized it as not likely. In contrast, she has never signed the separation papers she wanted so badly in August. Her continued denial is either her unwillingness to admit a mistake or use of a Clintonian definition of "affair" because perhaps it hasn't gone PA. She separates our pre-existing problems from her relationship with OM - justifying the marriage was dead first, then finding a new friend. This, of course, is her rationalization.<P>I do not expect her "new life" to be with OM. He's just a safe harbor for her escape from everythings she's escaping from. Our marriage was cold for years as we battled our son's disease. She told Steve Harley that she just doesn't think she can find the love for me again. But, I think you're right that she still wants to maintain the option.<P>Thanks for your continued support,<BR>Dave

Dave,<P>I too have a similiar situation except that with my wife her affair is with another woman. She is still living at home because we have two daughters, 9 and 14, and she didn't want to leave before the hoildays. The other woman left her husband about a month ago and moved into an apartment.<P>The original plan, at D Day over two months ago, was for my wife to find another job (this other woman is also her boss). The two of them would then move in together and because there combined income would be so much better, they would have custody of the kids. Having no where to turn at first, needless to say I was scared.<P>But like you stated, its funny how things change. To date, my wife has not changed jobs. Although I realize this will become necessary if we ever do attempt recovery. The two now plan to live "alone" in separate abodes. But again, no one is supposed to know the truth. In reality, almost everyone does except for my children and wife's immediate family. My kids, who have only been told that Daddy and Mommy might separate because we are having problems, are already growing tired of all the time she spends away from them and with the OW.<P>According to Steve Harley, whom I will be talking with tomorrow, the kids need to be told if my wife moves out. Since my wife will be talking to him for the first time tomorrow, I'm hoping she gets a wake up call...