[QUOTE]Originally posted by Ivory:<BR> <BR>Let's say you (the couple) are sitting there trying to go through this terribly hurtful and emotional experience, and your wife says, "What about her breasts? How do they compare to mine?" Or, "Did you enjoy making love to her more than me?" Or, "Did you and she have oral sex?" And so on! Utter and complete honesty? This is good?<P>ivory [QUOTE]<P>Well now. You know what? She just might ask that question. If she doesn't she probably will think that. Would't it be wonderful to know exactly what she is going to say or do? You don't. I never in my life thought I would have an A, and when I did, I never thought my H would find out either. I also thought, if he found out, that would be it. Over. <P>Ivory, I beleive that you are really reaching right now. You are totally powerless over this entire situation. You need to let go, and let god. You are no longer in charge. Reading this reminds me of a hamster in a wheel. Going round and round. Trying to make sense, trying to hope things work out *your* way.<P>Things work out they way they are supposed to. <P>Again, good luck<BR>PJ<P>

The point is that you are to be totally honest w/your wife in answering her questions. She is the one who decides what she can handle not you. It is totally her call she may want details maybe not. <P>Since you have never confessed an affair to her before(I assume) you really cannot make any assumption on how she will react what she will want etc.

We are getting nowhere, so let's move on if we can. If she wants sexual details, I'll supply them.<P>Taxman, what in h*** has got into you about me? This is not the first time you have inferred that the A is still going on. What words can I say? OP and I have ended the affair. It is over. We are not contacting each other. You tell me what other words I can use to help you with this and I'll be glad to use them.<P>I don't claim that *I* have any rights. I do not. I do not delight in what I've done. I am not trying to play games with my wife. I don't want to withhold "special" information. I fully understand that I have no claim to dictating what her feelings or reactions SHOULD be, or what is "right." I do plan to go with the fow and meet things as they occur. I do plan to help her with whatever it is she wants to know. I do plan to stick around unless she doesn't want me to (I'm talking about in the room). And so on.<P>What more can I say?<P>Besides the complete honesty issue, which I hope has been settled, is there anyone who'd like to contribute other ideas and thoughts for the evening? For example, when we have had workbook sessions and stay-in-touch sessions before, we have made coffee. This seems to me like a litle too "cozy," almost an insult since she doesn't know what's coming. Right? Wrong? Turn on the gas logs? Not? (No, I won't even think about music...I'm not that stupid.) Hold her hand??? <P>BS's, what mistakes do you feel your WS made? What do you wish he'd done better or differently (besides never having had the affair).<P>Ivory

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Ivory:<BR><B>The Rule of Complete Honesty does not seem to infer revealing the details of the sexual encounters, just the <I>fact</I> of them, and the broader details about them. I do believe that the Harleys should address this question very specifically, because in what I can find in their writings it is not truly clear.</B><P>Harley advocates full and open honesty in all communications with your spouse, painful, shaming, and otherwise. How clear is this : "All questions asked by your spouse should be answered fully and completely."<P><B>Remember: the concept of honesty is not being debated by me. I am speaking specifically (narrowly) about going into the purely sexual details.</B><P>I would say that you are debating the concept of honesty about purely sexual details. As you are revealing a sexual relationship, the line of questioning may legitimately go there.<P><B>Let's say you (the couple) are sitting there trying to go through this terribly hurtful and emotional experience, and your wife says, "What about her breasts? How do they compare to mine?" Or, "Did you enjoy making love to her more than me?" Or, "Did you and she have oral sex?" And so on! Utter and complete honesty? This is good?</B><P>Harley counsels that spouses are entitled to the full truth about every aspect of each others lives. Some call it radical honesty. It isn't easy. How would you handle the questions above? Lie? Most wives radar would be up pretty high for lies at that point. Say "I'm not going to answer that" ? <P>It may be hard to imagine, but being caught in a lie or refusing to answer will be worse strategies than the truth in those scenarios. Do you want your wife going around for the next 40 years privately obsessing whether or not you had oral sex? That will not be a kindness on your part.<P>Some betrayed spouses need to hear every sordid detail in order to have closure. Emotional types may need to do this with a professional counselor present, according to Harley. You don't describe your wife as a candidate for that, but that may be a way to go with it.<P>Here's what Harley has to say on the subject of revealing infidelities: <P>====================<P>"""Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse. <P>But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy. <P>It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity. <BR>===============================<P><BR>

Ivory, Ivory, Ivory. . . .<P>I didn't "imply" that the affair wasn't over, I said so. In an earlier post, I ASKED you if you were still contacting the OW. You replied:<P>"You're right, Taxman...technically I am not in withdrawal. I guess you could call it anticipatory withdrawal. There was a period of not talking to one another but in the last few days we have had some contact, but that was to talk over issues of D-day, her H (who knows), my W (who doesn't yet)."<P>You still love the OW, you're still talking to her. The affair goes on. Even if it wasn't going on physically, it clearly is still going on in your heart. You still view the times with her as special, as precious.<P>By previously stating that you wouldn't give the gory details, even if your W asked, unless told to do so by a counselor, you in fact WERE claiming that you had a right to dictate what she should and shouldn't hear.<P>As for the scenario, I don't think that I would re-create a romantic moment from your past with your W before you tell her you cheated on her. Sit down somewhere comfortable, because you'll be there for a while, be gentle, etc. But light on the romantic, frilly touches.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Ivory:<BR><B>This is not the first time you have inferred that the A is still going on. What words can I say?</B><P>Ivory, your writings clearly reveal that the emotional attachment to the OP is very strong. You are still in love with her, and you have tried in the past to break it off without success. Now, she will soon be single and in your hometown alone. I think that Taxman, and others maybe, including me, just hope that you are not glossing over the challenge that lies ahead for you in ending that affair in your heart.<P><B>We are not contacting each other. You tell me what other words I can use to help you with this and I'll be glad to use them.</B><P>When was the last time you talked with the OP?<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Ivory:<BR><B>Utter and complete honesty? This is good?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>In my opinion as a betrayed spouse, "utter and complete honesty" is all you have to offer at this point. You've shown utter and complete disregard for your wife's feelings by betraying her. If you approach her now with a confession and refuse to answer all of her questions, you will only be adding to the contempt you've already shown.<P>I say again that you have no right to make any decisions for her.<BR>

Ivory,<P>Let me tell you some of the replies I got from my WS in the beginning when I attempted to ask questions about the EMR that he confessed. I didn't ask for sexual details. I asked generic things, like how they met. When. Did he protect himself. Was it over. This is a collection of some of the responses I got from him that I still cannot shake:<P>"That's none of your business."<BR>"I'll take that to my grave if I have to."<BR>"I'm not going to answer that, so don't ever ask me again."<BR>-and lastly, and quite unbelievably -<BR>"any counselor we'd go to would tell you that you don't need to know anything about this, other than it happened."<P>He was still very much in the fog, and our marriage wilted on the vine. Then the wonderful, perfect, loyal XOW whom he called his "best friend" wrote me a long letter ratting him out. As soon as that arrived in the mailbox, complete with all of their emails to each other, he couldn't stop talking fast enough. I knew then that he was still protecting the affair - and trying to negate his own guilt.<P>What hurt the most was not that my H didn't answer all of my questions; it was that he was *unwilling* to do so. Had he said, in response to my questions, "This is going to hurt you - are you sure you want to know?" I would have respected him. I might have even rethought my questions to see if they were questions that I really needed an answer too.<P>And ... finally, I'd like to add ... it doesn't sound like you've got the OW behind you. In fact - and please don't take this as a flame - I'd be willing that unless you reveal EVERYTHING to your W, the two of you will start up the EMR again. In Frank Pittman's book, "Private Lies," he explains that the more honestly you talk about the EMR with the BS, and the more details that are revealed, the more the EMR looses it's mystique and is shown in the light of day to be what it is - a horrible, tragic error. Ergo, the less chance the EMR has to resume.<P>I can't tell you what to do, simply point out observations and tell you my own story, and how it made me feel. My H's unwillingness to be completely honest was the killer - not the EMR itself. I could have forgiven that.<P>belld

Hi Ivory,<P>Telling your wife is the right thing to do. It will be difficult for you, and I know firsthand that it will be devastating for her. You are best able to predict her reaction, but try to be prepared for the worst.<P>I would like to offer my perception as to why it is important to answer any questions your wife asks. As a betrayed wife, I asked about and heard many things that I didn't want to hear. But I did it because I did not want there to be ANY secrets that were shared between my husband and the other woman. A shared secret creates a connection, and I absolutely wanted that connection between them broken. If he hesitated answering my questions, I felt that he was trying to protect her, making her more important to him than me.<P>Be ready for the possibility that your wife will react in a way you have never seen before. And please be prepared to forgive her for the things she might say and do. I really believe that I temporarily lost my mind when I found out the truth and I know that I said and did things I would not normally do. Temporary (and still occasional)insanity.<P>I wish you all the best, and will be praying for your wife.<P>Peppermint

Ivory, if you are on this forum to ask advice of others who have been through these things, why are you not willing to take their advice? There may be things that you don't agree with, but at least respect the fact that lots of people have taken lots of time to answer your post.<P>One thing that you stated really bothers me. You said that you are not currently having an affair, but are in contact with the OW. Then, Ivory, you are still having an affair. You have a deep emotional bond with this person and that construes an affair. You have not even begun the withdrawal and grieving process.<P>Virtually every BS has agreed on one thing----answer every question that she asks you honestly. If you don't, I can tell you from experience that it will be extremely difficult for you to build any trust with your wife for a very long time. If she asks you for details on the sexual experiences, then answer them. They will be painful for her to hear and for you to say, but it is less painful than being lied to, that I can assure you. When I would ask a question that was going to be difficult, my H would respond tenderly "you don't want to know that". But, I did. It for some strange reason helped me cope and deal with things better. If he wouldn't have told me, I'd still be wondering to this day what really happened.<P>I do also agree with Mike that you may want to counsel with Steve or Jen Harley before telling her. They may be able to offer some great help to you because unfortunately, it is probably going to be one of the most difficult nights of your entire life.<P>I am glad that you are posting here. If you want to work on your marriage and repair the damage that's been done, then you're in the right place. We're here to support you and want to help you through this difficult time. I would also encourage your wife to post here as she will get much needed support as a betrayed spouse.<P>My prayers are with you, Ivory!

Ivory,<BR>I don't know if this will help or even if it will make any sense but I'll try because you seem to really want to do the "right thing".<P>If I remember correctly, you are telling this to her on Friday so she will have the whole weekend to deal with the initial shock. So really you aren't just dealing with Friday, you are dealing with 48+ hours of this. <P>You know your wife better than anyone else, you may not be able to guess what her initial reaction will be but you will be able to "read" her responses and her actions. Since you have known her you should be able to pick up on what she may not be able to articulate. <P>If she wants space, give it to her. But don't be out of reach when she wants to ask more questions or needs closeness. <P>If you are having trouble saying "I Love You Only" then say that you Want to feel that way again (if you do). This is the part that would be difficult and I don't envy you. With your heart elsewhere it's difficult to feel the desire. However, it may just happen that once you see the hurt in her eyes the nurturer in you will take over and you will not have to "act". <P>Of course honesty is important. You've heard this one several times. Personally, I would answer only the questions asked, don't try to explain in detail. If she wants the details let her ask more questions. But don't make her feel as if she is pulling teeth either. <P>What you may be tempted to do now is try to educate her about how she can get through this. Be careful here as well. Preaching/educating is not what she'll respond to right now.<P>Loss of trust will be a key element, so being open is important. Let her feel like she can ask anything.<P>She may seek out a friend for comfort during the weekend. Let her go or if the friend comes there she will probably want you to leave. <P>She will probably ask who the OW is. Most BS do not confront the OP, but some do. (I hope your OW is ready for this.) This is why it's important that you be honest with your wife, because if the OW tells her anything different from what you've told her, she (your W) will have reason not to believe or trust you. Of course you have no control over what the OW says and she may not remember things the way you do, but as long as the answers have the same "ring" then your wife will see that. <P>I can probably think of more but you may have nodded off already so I'll stop here. <P>I hope I've helped in some small way.<BR>My thoughts are with you and your wife.<P><BR>

Ivory-<P>I think its great that you are willing to confess to your wife. My H did not confess; found out on my own and confronted. No preparation, mood setting, etc.<P>I want to weigh in on two points. Belldandy laid it out nicely as to why withholding details is not good. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What hurt the most was not that my H didn't answer all of my questions; it was that he was *unwilling* to do so.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Keep in mind that you are confessing to haven chosen to betray her without her consent. When the betrayer is unwilling to answer questions, whatever they may be, they are again making a choice for the spouse.<P>I also agree that not every detail is necessary, but each individual has to decide how much is enough. For me, if my H had responded with "you don't want to know" or "this is going to hurt you...", that would have been enough for me to backpedal and rethink. That response alone would have probably confirmed what I thought anyway. <P>My H decided that he would not share any details because he felt they were not important. I still feel resentment for him having made that choice for me.<P>Also, you are probably familiar with the no contact letter, but just want to mention that you may want to be prepared to respond to a request that you end all contact immediately and that you be accountable for your time. Are you willing and ready to do this?<P>Good Luck<BR>Enlightened

Hi Ivory, <P>I think you may be the most popular guy on the forum right now. <P>You asked about some other suggestions so I though I might share what happened with H and me. I figured it out on my own. One night, without preparation, I confronted him. We were at home, kids in bed. He didn't want to answer anything. He sat acros from me. I had to drag it out of him and it was painful. I was calm. I got a little rattled the longer I had to try and get him to answer because I could tell that what I had suspected and with whom was correct. He didn't even want to share who it was with. Said it wasn't important. When I asked how long, he said it wasn't relavent. To this day, he won't answer that question. I am not real happy about that either but have decided to let that one go. He got up and left the room when he felt the conversation was over. Told me he was only with me because of the kids, didn't love me etc... Walked out at that point. I think he heard me crying and came back in. We went to bed after that. I couldn't sleep and wanted to talk about why etc.. He wouldn't talk to me. It would have been nice if he would have at least held my hand as we went to sleep or apolgized or something. It was like he was a stranger who the day before I had been so sure about.<P>What I wanted during that conversation was a little compassion. For him to maybe sit next to me on the sofa, look me in the eye without disdain, tell the truth and be sorry for hurting me. It is very very painful to hear the truth. I would have felt so much better if he had done that. Instead, his lack of honesty caused me to go into spy mode. It consumed me. If there was a detail that I wanted to know, I dug it up. It was ugly. <BR>My hope is that when you tell her you are aware that she will be devastated and that you be tender and understanding. Hold her hand and tell her that you are sorry. Small things will make a difference.<P>cleo

Hi peppermint,<P>You arrived right on cue I had been thinking about you.<P> [QUOTE]Originally posted by peppermint:<BR><B>As a betrayed wife, I asked about and heard many things that I didn't want to hear. But I did it because I did not want there to be ANY secrets that were shared between my husband and the other woman. A shared secret creates a connection, and I absolutely wanted that connection between them broken. If he hesitated answering my questions, I felt that he was trying to protect her, making her more important to him than me.</B><P>That is well put. I also like where someone else wrote about "protecting the affair" by withholding details.<P>Actually, I have been thinking about Ivory's reluctance. I think that the way to answer detailed sexual questions on the night of D-day is to say something like "I promise you that I will answer each and every question you want answered, truthfully and in detail, but I would ask that you take some time to consider what you want to know. And we may want to address this with a counselor."<P>I don't know, that sounds sort of ominous, not want I wanted, but some thought like that. Sort of make them insist, but assure them that the truth is all available to them.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited January 10, 2001).]

Since my message previous to this one I had to step out for about three hours....came back to several more. The only thing I don't understand is if all of you who posted prior to right now missed the first sentence where I said I would, in fact, answer all of her questions. I appreciate everyone taking the time to weigh in on this, but I do understand the point you're trying to make. Suffice it to say that not all experts agree on this issue, but that's irrelevant.<P>Let me go over the plan again:<P>Comfortable setting... quiet house... tissues available (we'll both need them)... look her in the eyes at all time... be gentle and loving in tone... be as sincere as I possibly can... answer all questions honestly... stay there as long as she wants... don't be defensive about anything: there's nothing about what I did that has any measure of rightness... let her react however she does... talk over the future, as she is able to and wishes... <P>As for my attitude, I still don't understand the inference that somehow I am NOT to be feeling love for OP when the teachings on this site also talk about withdrawal, "like a death," etc. Yes, I do still have love for OP. I will answer that question honestly, too, but I will follow it up with talking about the concepts of this site, and how after all, what kind of man in his *right* mind would do this? Just because of how I may feel at the moment does not make it turn out to be particulary valid don the road when my vision might be better. <P>That's my head speaking, you understand. My heart is torn greatly over the ending of the affair, but I will be very careful how I phrase any of this to my wife. <P>Remember the three choices: keep the affair and the deception going; end the affair yourself and confess it to your wife and try to rebuild; leave your wife. If there's some sort of purgatory between ending the affair and confessing it, someone please explain it.<P>I don't know what other questions I may not have addressed..oh yeah, last time I spoke to OW. That would be Monday, on the phone. She understands the no-contact and in reality welcomes it because it's also the only way she can deal with the loss of me.<P>Despite the pummeling, thanks everyone for your ideas. I know this is a highly emoptional and highly-charged subject. Please try to understand that my emotions are kind of frayed right now. Not only do I see this big-black train coming down the tunnel but I'm also dealing with the withdrawl. Not only that, I likely will have to leave the profession I earn my living in, because it and affairs "don't mix." Yes, no one's fault but my own. <P>Ivory

Good Luck Kiddo! I'll be rootin' for you and the Mrs. Whatever happends .... you will get yourself back. It will be worth it!<P>Take care<P><P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

You probably don't need any more advice from a BS, but it is almost impossible for us to resist responding. I think it is because so many of us had to dig the information about the A out ourselves after many denials by the WS. Having the opportunity to comment on how we would have liked to find out is tapping a strong, raw nerve and asking us to dream away our hurt.<P>Let me start by saying that I admire that you are going to tell her and try to work on the marriage. I do agree with the many comments that you should be in no contact with OW at this point, but that has already been strongly pointed out to you.<P>As for mood on Friday night etc, my WS came back home for a week before Christmas to see if we could work on our marriage. On the Thursday before Christmas, we went out on a date. When we came home, he poured us a glass of wine (rare for us) and then talked about his day. After that he said he couldn't bring himself to work on the marriage and was leaving again. My reaction: what kind of a monster would do that? <P>Therefore, my advice is to skip any mood stuff and just worry about being as supportive and apologetic as you can. Otherwise, it might look manipulative on your part.<P>As for honesty, I agree that you should answer everything she asks, but I have a slightly different suggestion based on how I look at the issue. When my H was home for that week and we were talking about how we would rebuild the marriage, I realized that I wanted him to be willing to tell me every single detail about the A, but I didn't want to hear them. I think that for me it would be too hard to let those details go in the process of trying to forgive him and rebuild. <P>In view of this, I would suggest that if your W asks for details beyond that you had sex with the OW and who the OW is, I would tell her that you are willing to answer all her questions, but that it will be painful and you want her to think about it overnight to see what she really wants to know. My fear is that the shock of the moment will cause her to ask and find out things that she will wish she never knew. This suggestion will still let her know you are willing to be entirely honest, but give her a little time to think about it. <P>Good luck! My prayers are with you and especially with your W.

A quick question for you (this may be something that is way far down the road for you) and this may not even apply to your situation:<P>I found evidence of the affair and confronted him. He did not confess all at once. In fact, he acknowledged each fact as it was discovered by me. All that did was make it worse. It multiplied the bitterness a hundred x.<P>I actually confronted the OW about the PA part before I talked to hubby--he was out of the country on business when I found their chat files on the computer. I was polite with her at first, then, as the discovery of their sex acts hit home with me, I was hateful to her. I sent her some really choice e-mails, 3 of them in one day. To them, their sex was "beautiful." To me, the betrayed, it was humiliating, filthy, dispicable, and severing the physical bond that I felt with my husband. To me, I don't think that this can ever fully be recovered, were we to reconcile. I am sorry. It's been destroyed. He really was my knight and shining armor, body and soul. And he shared his body with someone else.<P>Here's my question, to get to the point. You say you still have feelings for OW, of course, you are still in a withdrawal state. What would you do if your wife expressed hostility towards your OW, ie, namecalling? Okay, let's say specifically namecalling. <P>I have called my husband's girlfriend every name in the book to him. He doesn't exactly defend her, but he acts as if the is the one being assaulted. He shouts at me. He tells me that I should have no hostility towards her--HE was the one who betrayed me, not her. <P>To him, she was a friend and a lover. They share "cherished memories" that are "none of my business." To me, she is a selfish outsider, bent on taking the only man I have ever loved so deeply by using her sex and destroying my family, to what end? (That's exactly what she did, too.) I call it how I see it, he calls it how he sees it.<P>If your wife is angry towards the OW, how will you react, in the state of mind that you are in now? Will you defend and protect her? (The OW) Or will you just let it slide if your wife is angry towards her?<P>Maybe a stupid question, but I am wondering if I am really busting on my husband when I bust on his girlfriend. I don't think so, but he does.

Bernzini,<P>Okay...notwithstanding that my wife's reaction is unpredictable, if I had to <I>guess</I> what it would be---based on what I know about my wife's personality, character and Christian life---she will not do namecalling. Very, very rarely has she ever let anything take her out of character. <B>YES</B> I know that what she will be facing is the worst and thus might be the one thing that would, but other than that possibility such a reaction is unlikely. Elsewhere on the web a counselor pointed out that in his experience fewer wives are surprised by their husband's revelation than their husband's would have thought at the time. Doesn't make it go down much better, but it buffers a little.<P>To answer your hypothetical question, if my wife were to do namecalling, that would be understandable, part of the reactive process. Sort of like throwing a plate I suppose...I'm not going to defend OP. "Let it slide" is the phrase you used, and that's what I would do. If she asks me what I liked about OP, I would try to be as general as she would allow or as specific as she seems to want. Just because I can say what the attraction was does not mean that it was valid, and certainly no excuse for an affair. <P>I do happen to agree with what your husband said, that my wife's problem is more with me than with OP, but that's a technicality. I'm not going to bring that up or get into it unless there's some unavoidable reason to do so. I initiated and promoted the affair (yes, to a willing partner).<P>Ivory

She understands the no-contact and in reality welcomes it because it's also the only way she can deal with the loss of me.<BR> <P>Keep this in mind...the fog is thick. <P>If you will need to be changing professions, I'm assuming you think the affair will become public knowledge and in addition to the private hell she will be thrown into, your wife, and of course yourself, will have to endure public humilation, too.<P>My heart goes out to both of you. It is going to be rough.<P>Since it is my two year anniversary, give or take a day, I will go back to D-day. My H didn't confess. In fact, when I found a receipt for some jewelry I didn't receive and inquired about it, he lied. On the other hand, he might as well taken out a billboard on the highway for the papertrail he left. He even said he thought I had the right to know.<P>Anyway, it came to a head within hours. The kicker, to inject a morsel or levity, was a rival team's sweatshirt in the origional bag with a receipt, in the trunk. There was no way he could talk his way out of this one, so he confessed. <P>Between the time I found the sweatshirt and a love note that look liked it was written by a cheerleader, and the confession, my H was in the shower. I had a few minutes to think.<P>I have to say that I had a split reaction. I could have kicked my H to the curb and I realllllyyyyy wanted to. As much as I loved him and thought we had a wonderfuol forever marriage, I honestly could have turned my back. My blood ran cold. If you read my posts, this may be surprising.<P>In my case their were young children and there was no way I was going to ruin their lives. So I prayed. When my H came in, the words that came out of my mouth were not my own. I remember thinking this and wondering what was coming out next. I was calm, I was controlled, I was loving.<P>I can not even describe the depth of my pain in the next weeks and months.<P>My point?<P>Your wife may react exactly as you expect, or not.<P>You have no idea the pain you will inflict. If she does seem to take it well, don't relax in your efforts to recover. Honesty and commitment can not be overstated.<P>It has to be done, but you will be throwing your wife into the pit of hell. Don't forget it.<P>You can recover and your marriage can grow to be better than ever.