I feel like I have reached the end of my rope when it comes to the reaction my kids are having to my wife's continuing affair.<P>First, a brief summary of what has happened. My wife is having an emotional affair with another woman who is also her boss and best friend of nine years. This OP has no children and left her husband last month to move into a separate apartment. My wife is planning on moving out to her own place within the next month or so. She wants to find a place close by so we can share custody of our daughters, 9 and 14, and they won't have to change schools or anything. The two women have told no one else, besides their spouses, of the affair and plan to keep it that way. This OP has also been a close friend to my kids for quite some time. Someone they have learned to trust implicitly. My wife has told me on numerous occassions that all our girls need to know is that daddy & mommy are having "problems" and need to split up. At this point, that's all they do know and they also know about mommy looking for that other place.<P>Enter Steve Harley and reality. I have been counseled by him through several sessions. We have the whole thing working with Plan A right now and will be moving to Plan B as soon as she moves out. At that time, the children will be informed of the whole truth.<P>The problem is, as much as I love my wife, she doesn't have a clue as to what this is doing to our kids. We still have probably a month, maybe two, until she moves out. My oldest daughter is having the normal problems becoming a teenager, let alone the atmosphere she is feeling at home right now. She can tell that there is more to the story than we are telling her. She asked my wife straight out yesterday if there was something else we weren't telling them. My wife replied that there wasn't. It absolutely KILLS me to hear these lies when they are directed at me. You can imagine how I feel when they are directed at my kids.<P>I know the day is coming. But for now, how do I deal with this and stay on track with Plan A? I'm afraid something disastrous is going to happen concerning my oldest. She has already gone outside our family (to her grandmothers) to ask questions. My wife actually found out about her talking to my mother and got upset at me about it!

Dear Always,<P>Man what a tightrope you are walking. You know, I've tried to stay fairly sane for my kids during this mess, but the anger tends to rise in a monumental way when they are being hurt and lied to. Kind of like, ok...mess with me...ok, mess with my kids...all bets are off honey. It's natural for those of us that are not walking thru a fog to protect them...it's called being a good parent, which you are.<P>Yep, they know something is terribly wrong, but you will certainly rock their worlds when they know the truth. I had to look at it for my situation this way: there was no harder time in my life than pre-discovery...when I knew I was being lied to, but wasn't given the truth. My H, like your wife, would have liked to tell the kids what he tells everyone...we were not happy for years and the fact that he is moved out has absolutley nothing to do with OW. Well, the problem with that story is that our family was working up until two days before H moving out. We did everyting together...H and I didn't fight, it wasn't great around here, but the kids were pretty much blindsighted and needed to know WHY. That's what they asked continually...WHY. <P>It was the ultimate LB for me to tell them about their dads affair...but I had to for them. I didn't go into this lightly. I didn't do it for vengence...the kids therapist and I worked it out and it got to the point where I had to tell them. They knew they were being lied to when they'd call their dad and ask where he was and he would lie to them...they know when they're being lied to.<P>I wish sometimes that they didn't know as it's destroying their relationship with him...OW is a woman my kids have known their whole lives. They refuse to go to any of his work events as she will be there..the oldest (18 boy) will not speak with his father at all. But, the thing is...there was no other choice for us. I am into truth big time...and my kids need to know that. I hate nothing more than being lied to...at least the piece of the puzzle that was missing for them is now in place.<P>I know you're working with the Harleys and that is so great...follow their lead, but try to keep in mind that the longer you wait to tell them, the more it now makes you the liar in their eyes. I was not going to be put in that position. They have to have someone to rely on during the most stressful time in their lives. It was really hard...and I questioned my motives...still do. My H is very upset that I told them, but truth seems to be the way to go for this situation for me.<P>allison

Thanks, Allison.<P>I guess that is why Steve had told me to take the lead with my wife and tell her to expedite moving out. He said things would only get worse as time drags on and he was right.<P>The problem is, I believe my wife has doubts about what she is doing at times. She is still seeing her own therapist. Steve had also talked to her about two weeks ago and he said he senses doubt.<P>Something has got to happen soon. I'm pretty much at the mercy of my wife's timetable right now. I can only suggest that she move out sooner than later. To do much more, such as kick her butt out, would be a major LB.

AH,<P>I remember your wifes reaction to the girls grandmother being told. Did she ever talk to your daughter or did she just let it go? If Steve Harley suggested that you expedite things, do you think that would help her make up her mind. If she is unsure of what to do, it could help her make up her mind. Faced with having to tell the kids, she could end up getting a quick dose of reality. She might just realize that moving isn't the greatest thing to do after all.

Cleo,<P>The problem is that Steve does not think it would be a good idea to inform the kids OR let my wife know that I am going to inform them until after she moves out. The revelation to my children pretty much coincides with the entrance into Plan B.<P>I have often thought, like you, that if my wife knew that our kids would know the whole story, it would bring her a major dose of reality. I think Steve believes it would be too much of a major LB. I plan on talking to him about it this week. My oldest is very quickly becoming more and more of a behavioral problem. She knows there is a lot more to the story she is getting. I may have to do something before my wife leaves, or develop an alternate plan with Steve.<P>I thought it was nerve racking enough going through this with my feelings. The thought of how my children might react is almost unbearable!

AH, <P>Has your wife acknowledged the behavior problems with your oldest? Can you ask her to address your daughter regarding those issues? Maybe if they had a little one on one time, she might realize the severity of the situation. Your daughter may be able to tell her what she thinks about what has been going on around the house. You know, when I was fourteen, I was very opinionated.

Cleo,<P>My wife and I have talked about it. She has somehow convinced herself that it's all part of my daughter being that age and has chosen to ignore that it may be part of our situation.<P>I don't know. Maybe it is all part of the plan. The deeper my wife gets herself into this, the more of a shock it is going to be once the revelation occurs. Once my daughters find out, almost everyone close to my wife will. No way will my girls keep their mouths shut. My mother-in-law, a deeply religious woman, is probably the one person my wife respects the most and also probably fears finding out just as much as our children.<P>In short, my wife is surrounded by a very close knit family. I think I have made that point with Steve several times. I believe he is counting on that very fact as a source to eventually make her come to the reality of all this.

Hi there AH,<P> It sounds like Steve has given you good advice. I have to say in my situation the worst time of the affair was before my children found out and trying to keep it all quiet. They were teenagers and also could tell something was going on.<P> When my H was moving out, at my insistence (after months of PlanA and continued contact) it was heartbreaking to tell the kids but my two oldest said that they already figured it out and had discussed it with each other. They were relieved to know the truth.<P>As Allison said the truth is much safer than the unknown and now 20mos. later the relationship between the kids and my H is restored. (We are reconciled). The reality of my kid's knowing and in fact the family knowing brought my H out of the fog quickly......it's one thing to do all of this in secret but when seen through other's eyes......not too pretty......Hang in there, listen to Steve......LU

Lu,<P>I'd be very interested in knowing when and how you handled breaking the news to the kids. As you can tell, I'm very apprehensive about this. So here come the questions.<P>Did you talk about what the kids should or shouldn't know before your H left? Did you give him the opportunity to inform them with you? Did you try to take a neutral stance on the whole situation or did you let them know that you loved your H and wanted to save the marriage? Did you let them know that you believed what your H did was wrong?<P>Sorry about the personal inquiries, but my time is drawing near. I do plan on hitting Steve harley with these concerns, but it would be nice to hear from another who has gone through it. Especially since you reached the state of recovery.

Hi AH,<P> I have to say I didn't handle it as well as I should have. At the point he was leaving I was so angry and distraught and we really didn't even discuss how to tell the kids ,we just knew that we had to tell them. <P> They came home from school and his stuff was packed up and they couldn't figure out what was going on....the computer was gone and they thought maybe he lost his job.<P> We finally sat them down and my H proceeded to tell them that "Mom and I are having problems and I need to move out." I almost blew a gasket.....I then told them that that wasn't right, we didn't have problems but that Dad had a girlfriend. The two younger (8 and 13 at the time) were completely thrown for a loop. The two older, as I told you, already had figured it out .I won't lie, the scene was awful , probably because I was so upset too. At this point my H was so upset by their reaction he begged to stay.<P> He did stay but then continued on with the A. Well, I then told him calmly and in no uncertain terms he had to leave. He was so upset and the kids were disgusted with him. I told them he loves them but he is very, very confused and we were NOT divorcing. He was gone 2 weeks and could not deal with the kids, the family etc...(all consequences of the A, and a big dose of reality)The second time wasn't so bad on the kids and was almost a relief at that time.<BR> <BR> I wrote the Plan B letter and did a Plan B very strictly...it was hard but it worked for us. It's amazing to me that everything has repaired (with the kids and H ) so quickly ......I was so afraid of major damage but in the long run, I don't see it. Let Steve guide you, he helped me tremendously......Hang in there AH, I know just how you feel.................LU

AH,<P>My oldest son knows about his Dad's PA. My H had told me he wanted to separate in June of 1999; I got him to agree till after OS came back from camp in July. I didn't want his summer ruined. Of course, my H wonderful guy that he is didn't tell me there was someone else, just that I had made him miserable for yrs. I started suspecting there was an OW, found proof but I couldn't believe he have affair till I found the proof that it was a PA not an EA. Before my H could tell me he was leaving I confronted him. Told him if he left our son would know, that we weren't doing the mommy & daddy don't love each other, 1st wasn’t true, & that son was old enough not to buy that. Our religious beliefs would have led him that there was someone else. In fighting about doing this, I told him if he stayed & went to counseling we could just tell OS that there were problems, OS heard us, He asked me if we were getting a divorce, he was actually kidding, I told him maybe, then we had to set down & explain, my H went all the argument about how unhappy he was, how we didn't go anything together, etc, My wise son goes why can't you go to counseling, My h went pale & in whisper answered there is someone else. My son cried & ran out of the house, my H was shattered, I thought for a few days he might kill himself, I was that worried about him. My son ran to very close friends, the mom, knew but their daughter thought someone had died when we show up & my son is crying, (she thought that my YS & H had been killed in a car wreck); she kept crying what is the matter. So all in one night we destroyed a 15 yr & 18 yr old view of my H. My son idolized his Dad. This was the most painful day of my life, to know that my son was so hurt but I do believe he would have been more hurt if we hadn't told him. <P>I don't know if we had problems with him that we would not have had otherwise. My son is the classic under achiever. But there have been times I have wondered how much of this has effected him. For long time my son thought we were trying to work things out, but actions of my H showed him the OW was still in the picture. My son doesn’t know that his Dad is still in contact with her, but my son will not even talk about we might leave here at the end of the school yr. He likes here but sometimes I wonder if it is because he knows we will divorce if we leave that he is so adamant that he will graduate from here.<P>My YS just know there have been problems, but if we divorce, he will know why. I will not let that woman become part of his life without him knowing her part in this mess. I don't think I will be doing it for spite, I do think secrets like that can't be kept, & finding how sooner is better than latter.<P>This most likely doesn't make much sense, but I can't reread it to edit. Sorry,<P>Go on Steve's advise but I really believe you can't hide things from teenagers, & if you do you will cause more grief. Good luck....<BR>

Lu,<P>Thanks for telling me your story. It does give me hope. One of the horrible side effects of this whole thing is seeing what it does to my children. My wife has totally tuned it out. All she cares about is herself. She has somehow justified that the kids will come out just fine after all this and there is no need to fill them in on the OP. In her mind, it really has nothing to do with the OP. She has almost completely justified the affair because of the problems we have had during the past few years.